Well Well Well

It was hard for me to focus on Quentino Tarantino's acceptance speech after he won the Golden Globe for Best Screenplay, because earlier in the night Amy Poehler made a joke about the "rat-faced people" and the camera immediately cut to QT's face one second after she said it. It was perfect. So when rat-faced QT got on stage to accept his award, I kept picturing him nibbling toe cheese off of someone's foot and didn't listen to the words coming out of his mouth. Apparently, during his speech, the n-word never jumped off of his tongue, which is surprising. But when QT got backstage, the n-word flew out of his mouth once, which made the innocent reporters clutch their pristine ears.

At the 0:35 mark in the clip above, a reporter asks QT if he ever thought about not using the n-word while making and writing Django Unchained. QT answered the question without shutting any butts down, which is a good thing, because last night was definitely an open butt kind of night. But QT did drop the n-word just once:

No, not really, because it's... If somebody is out there actually saying it when it comes to the word nigger, that the fact that I was using it in the movie more than it was used in the Antebellum South in Missippii in 1858, then feel free to make that case. But no one is actually making that case. So in other words, they're actually saying that I should soften it, they're saying I should lie, they're saying I should whitewash, they're saying I should massage and I never do that when it comes to my characters."

E! News says that the room went completely silent and then later Don Cheadle, who took the stage after QT, broke the awkwardness by saying, "Please no 'nigger questions'. Black people questions are all right."

QT used the n-word to talk about why he used the n-word in his movie, so I'm not sure why reporters were shocked by him using it. Shit, they should be shocked that he didn't use it in his acceptance speech. I'm surprised he didn't thank the n-word in his speech, because without it, his movie would've been 90 minutes shorter since every character says it at least 200 million times each.

And here's a few of the Django Unchained hos (sans Samuel L. Jackson) before, during and after the Golden Globes last night: Rat-faced QT with his piece, Christoph Waltz, Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx.

Before you are granted the right to interview the permanent president of the Beyonce fan club, Beyonce herself, you have to agree to become a part of the Beyonce archives forever. GQ's Amy Wallace writes in a cover story about Beyonce that anybody who interviews her is taped and that footage goes directly into a massive vault of all things her. Beyonce claims to have a picture of every picture taken during her career and she keeps it all in a museum to herself. So you know that picture your second cousin took from the 900th row at the Beyonce concert and then posted it on Facebook? One of Beyonce's minions (Basement Baby or a forgotten child of Destiny) found that picture, printed it out and stuck it in a file for possible future reference. Bitch keeps better records than the government.

Beyonce stars in her own unaired reality show about herself, because she has a full-time "visual director" (aka an ego tracker) who documents her every waking moment. Correction: The visual director also documents her non-waking moments, because while some simple hos talk in their sleep, Beyonce sings new, original and unique material in her sleep. Beyonce used just some of the millions of hours of footage for an HBO documentary about her, starring her, produced by her and directed by her.

As always, Beyonce kept it humble during the interview and said that as far as she knows she's the hardest-working human in the music industry and she's earned her place as the queen of everything. Beyonce ended the interview by burping up this organic humble pie crumb:

"I now know that, yes, I am powerful. I'm more powerful than my mind can even digest and understand."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That quote is so powerful and it's more powerful than my mind can even digest and understand. Even GOOPY Paltrow is like, "Calm down, ho."

In other Beyonce news, she announced on Facebook today that she has fulfilled her charitable contributions for the year by recording a new Destiny's Child song with the lessers known as Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams.

Justin Timberlake tweeted this last night: "Thursday, January 10th, 2013 at 9:01 am PST..."

A bunch of people assumed that on January 10th, 2013 at 9:01 am PST, Justin would drop a new single featuring Beyonce and Jay-Z. But nope, on January 10th, 2013 at 9:01 am PST, Justin posted a dramatic as hell YouTube video where he announced his return to music. THIS BITCH's ego is on steroids, because he's laying it on thick. Even Jesus didn't make this kind of announcement three days before Easter. Damn. I'd expect this kind of announcement if scientists found a way to bring John Lennon and George Harrison back to life and they were starting to work on a new Beatles album. Justin is acting like our world has been in black and white ever since he stopped making music and now our world is in color again after announcing that he's giving us new songs. I know, we should be dropping to our knees and thanking him for ending this dark period in our lives. Bitch, you made "SexyBack"!  Bitch even has a countdown clock on his website. Only musical messiah Pia Zadora should be making announcements like this, not Justin Timberlake.

And if you replace the word "music" with "poop" in that video announcement, it would sound like a commercial for Metamucil.

The real good news here is that Justin will be too busy with making new music to act in movies. So there's that.

Add "Elizabeth Taylor's bracelet" to the list of ten thousand things that Lindsay Lohan allegedly put her sticky fingers on while filming Liz & Dick. Kleptohan was accused of trashing La Liz's old trailer and stealing a rocking chair, and now La Liz's longtime nurse is claiming that the freckled snatcher took a fancy bracelet from her.

Radar says that Liz's nurse got friendly with LiLo (mistake #1) during filming and invited her over (mistake #2) to show her an expensive bracelet from La Liz (mistake #2). Right after LiLo's visit, the nurse realized she got Lohan'd. The nurse's bracelet from Elizabeth Taylor was missing and LiLo kept denying she took it. When the nurse threatened to call the cops, LiLo magically spit up the bracelet and gave it back. I really hope that when LiLo gave it back, she at least dropped it on the table after saying, "This has always brought me good luck." It's what Liz would've wanted. The source had this to say about LiLo's latest act of thievery:

“Elizabeth had given the nurse an expensive bracelet that was very meaningful to her and the nurse absolutely cherished it. Lindsay immediately fell in love with the bracelet the minute she saw it and was very vocal about how much she admired it. A short time later, the bracelet disappeared from the nurse’s house … on the very same day Lindsay had been to visit.

The nurse initially gave Lindsay the benefit of the doubt, thinking that she had just accidentally forgotten to take the bracelet off after trying it on. However, that theory was soon shot down after she called Lindsay and she swore she did not take the bracelet and categorically denied having it in her possession. The nurse knew that was a blatant lie as the bracelet disappeared after Lindsay was at the house and she knew that it had to have been Lindsay who took it. In the end, it took over a week to get the bracelet back from Lindsay and it was only returned after the nurse threatened to call the cops. One of Lindsay’s people eventually returned the bracelet to the nurse, who was extremely upset about what had transpired."

Radar also has a story about how Bravo tried to take back the $250,000 worth of furniture that they gave LiLo for the show Million Dollar Decorators after she refused to film the big reveal. Bravo couldn't get any of the furniture back because she moved it all to an unknown storage unit. I saw that episode last night and can't believe that crap was worth $250,000. You can get all that shit at a PB Kids outlet.

Anyway, how does everybody not know that Lindsay Lohan takes shit? That nurse should know that LiLo will steal a tampon right out of your twat if she needed one. It's her way and it's the reason why State Farm now offers Lindsay Lohan insurance to homeowners. It's half of that nurse's fault for not slapping LoJack and The Club on that bracelet before letting LiLo even know that it exists.

Everybody should do what my abuelita did practically every night: spoon with your pocketbook in bed, because you never know when a Lohan might try to take something from it.

Brenda Song and Trace Cyrus' love was shuffled off to the glue factory last summer after 2 years of humping, but she hasn't given up on their love and has taken the advice of her riding coach: when you fall off that horse, get back on and keep riding. Tish Cyrus' love child with an undead horse from Red Dead Redemption posted this picture of him and Brenda Song on Instagram (via ONTD) with the note: "I wanna tell the world about u just so they can get jealous."

Jealousy is definitely the emotion we're all feeling toward Brenda Song. I mean, Brenda Song gets to lick on Trace Cyrus' sideburn tattoo and you don't. Brenda Song gets to rub herself on Trace Cyrus' water damage newspaper of a body and you don't. Brenda Song gets to once again spend her holidays sharing a box of Corn Pops with Billy Ray Cyrus while Noah Cyrus pole dances in the corner and you don't. And more importantly, Brenda Song gets to use that electronic dildo/bong thing (that's what it is and don't try to tell me otherwise) in the background of that picture and you don't. That electronic dildo/bong thing is probably the only reason why Brenda Song came back.

Here's Brenda Song looking really excited about being back in the saddle while leaving a gym in L.A. the other day.

Why anyone would want to party with Lindsay Lohan, let alone pay for it, is beyond me. Bitch will drink your entire supply of booze, snatch your wallet, clog up all the toilets and say goodbye by punching you in the face. Bitch kills a party faster than an angry drunk abuelita with diarrhea. But the third in line to the throne of Brunei did pay Lindsay Lohan to show up to his party in London. Prince Azim could've lured LiLo to his party by leaving a trail of jooree, bottles of Popov vodka and generic Adderall from NYC to London, but I guess he loves wasting money, because he paid her $100,000.

White Oprah tells Huffington Post that LiLo didn't go to London to enter the Celebrity Big Brother house with other A-listers like Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt and (insert the name of a bunch of British never-wases here).  LiLo went to London, because the Prince of Brunei dialed up Rent-A-Mess and summoned her there. Just like Mariah Carey and Raquel Welch before her, Lindsay Lohan was paid a shit load of money and had all her expenses taken care of by Prince Azim. Some source tells the NYDN that Prince Azim loves renting celebrities for his parties and since LiLo is hard up for a dollar, she took that check. For some reason the NYDN asked Michael Lohan about LiLo getting paid to party and he opened up his corroded pie hole to queef this out: “Now she’s getting paid for dates?” and Michael Lohan went on to say, "...and since I'm her co-pimp, bitch better have my cut." 

Some people are laughing at LiLo's newest act of desperation, but in all seriousness I think it's a smart move. Lindsay Lohan got paid to be Lindsay Lohan. Prince Azim sat on this throne and clapped all gleefully as LiLo slapped his guests, deep-throated several bottles of Grey Goose, ran over a baby, made the bartender empty out the cash register and then gave the prince a half-assed hand job while re-tweeting a Winston Churchill quote. Bitch does that for free every single night, so I can't hate on her for getting paid for it. That should be LiLo's new career. Clowns and mariachi bands are out! If you want to make your next party a memorable experience, hire a cracked out jester.

Here's LiLo showing off her new lips while waltzing into a restaurant in London the other night.

If you were born on or around December 25th, then I'm sure you have already cursed your parents for insisting on partaking in bareback love during the springtimes. Jesus is an attention whore, so December 25th is always all about him and other December 25th babies get the shaft. Christmas babies usually get dual purpose gifts and their birthday cake is a pile of leftover holiday cookies with a half-melted candle stuck in it. Well, Christmas babies, Jesus now feels your pain, because his special day has been overshadowed by the ultimate attention whores: BRANGELINA!

The Telegraph says that Brad Pitt and Angie Jo might've (but probably not) gotten married on Christmas Day during their holiday vacation to Turks and Caicos. Proving that he's still a cheating bastard, Brad Pitt cheated on Chanel by staying at Donna Karan's estate. A source says that Brad's parents, his sister Julie and his more-talented brother Doug Pitt joined Brangelina and their child army in Turks and Caicos. Some tourists say that they spotted a bulgy-eyed creature slithering around the island, so either James Haven gave Angie away or an iguana on meth did.

So if this is true, then on December 25, 2013, the following is going to happen:

- Instead of wearing red and green Christmas sweaters, we're going to wear black potato sacks.

- Instead of filling our eating holes with egg nog and Honey Baked Ham, we're going to slowly sip on virgin blood in between licking a plate covered with Jennifer Aniston's dried tears.

- Instead of decorating the Christmas tree, we're all going to smoke pine tree needles out of a bong. (Note: I'm okay with this.)

- Instead of giving our children half an Ambien, so they'll be passed out when Santa comes to visit, we're going to put them in front of the fireplace for Angie to take after she slithers down the chimney.

Poor, Jesus. Now he'll be the one blowing out a half-melted candle on a pile of leftover holiday cookies while everyone is celebrating Brangelina's wedding day. Merry Brangiemas, I guess.

So much for the 489th rumor that Jennifer Aniston is knocked up with the final sign of the apocalypse, because here she is in Cabo with a flat stomach and I don't see a fetus foot dangling out of her crotch. This Christmas, Jennifer Aniston is blinding people within a 40-mile radius of Cabo with the bright ass rays shooting off of her 89-carat diamond hitchin' ring and she's doing tequila shots out of Justin Theroux's cum gutters. I'm just going to point out three quick things about these pictures:

1. While Jennifer Aniston puts some heat on her ice pick nipples, she lies in the birthing position, because you can never practice too much and you never know when the BABY OF YOUR DREAMS might pop out of there. I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant happens in real life sometimes.

2. Is Justin Theroux serious with those jorts and newsboy cap? Justin is in Cabo, bitch isn't at a summer barbecue on a rooftop on Avenue B. You know at least once during their trip, he'll ask a waiter, "Tienes Pabst?"

3. SmartWater is SadWater today, because Jennifer Aniston is cheating on it with what looks like Fiji.

And as for Justin, fugly jorts and all, I still would.

"This is surprising!" said not one bitch after reading the news that Marc Anthony's Jewish twin and the Skeletor of NYC Bethenny Frankel has separated from her husband Jason Hoppy after two years of marriage. If you want to ruin your day, just imagine Jill Zarin fapping to this news while cackling maniacally.

Bethenny released a long statement of words to every damn media outlet in the universe saying that since her reality shit show needs a new plot and she's already sucked every last ounce of life out of Whatshisname, she's quitting his ass and throwing him in the moat around Castle Grayskull.

"It brings me great sadness to say that Jason and I are separating. This was an extremely difficult decision that as a woman and a mother, I have to accept as the best choice for our family. We have love and respect for one another and will continue to amicably co-parent our daughter who is and will always remain our first priority. This is an immensely painful and heartbreaking time for us."

She went on to say, "And you can watch my marriage completely crumble into worm food on the season premiere of my new show BETHENNY GETTING DIVORCED!"

What's really surprising is that they lasted this long. On the show (yes, I watched mess), it seemed like Bethenny's constant whining and nagging killed Jason's last nerve, so I figured that it was only a matter of time before he drenched himself in pinot grigio before feeding himself to Ramona Singer.

And here's Jason and Bethenny in Miami last year. As for Jason's ass, yes, I would. And now that I know he's probably going to get a huge chunk of Skinnygirl money, I totally would.

Being the (*prepare for eye roll*) caring gentleman that Ashton Kutcher is (*aaaaaaaand roll*), he waited an entire year for Demi Moore to file for divorce, because something about dignity and he felt she should do the honors. But because Demi has been too busy eating and spitting out 20-something dick to even think about filing divorce papers, Ashton Kutcher did it himself in Los Angeles today. Merry Christmas, Demi! Or if she's still wearing the red string, Happy Kabbalakuh, Demi!

People says that Ashton blamed their divorce on "irreconcilable differences" and he doesn't want any spousal support and he doesn't want Demi to get any either. TMZ says that Ashton wants to wait to figure out how they should split up their property.

So Ashton will most likely spend Christmas with his head buried in Mila Kunis' crotch.... And since Demi is boy toy-free and the Tater Sisters hate her right now, she's going to spend Christmas Eve in the inside of a dive bar in the San Fernando Valley where she'll drunkenly dance in the corner by herself to a Jimmy Buffett song while winking at the 22-year-old barback. It's going to be Demi's best Christmas ever!