Engagements

According to sources (aka all the Kardashian skanks), Khloe Kardashian is going to marry L.A. Lakers player Lamar Odom, who she has been dating for approximately 15-seconds. Sources confirm the news to People, E! and UsWeekly. The latter claims they will be married in about two weeks once they get the OK from the state of California that a human man and a beast can legally marry.

The source said, "Khloe and Lamar want to get married before Lamar has to go away for training, and the season starts up. They are hoping to pull together a wedding within the next two weeks so they can get married and have time for a honeymoon. They haven't decided where they will say 'I Do,' but they are scouting out numerous locations, including Khloe's family home in Calabasas, CA."

The marriage will be the first for both. Lamar currently has a 10-year-old daughter and a 7-year-old son with a former girlfriend. They also had a second son together who passed away from SIDS a few years ago.

Okay, Khloe and Lamar have been dating a little longer than 15-seconds. Apparently, they've been rubbing peens for a few weeks now. This worries me. Does this mean Khloe is currently housing a beast baby in her stomach?! NOOOO! It's the end of the world as we know it. Once Khloe pops out her BABY!!!, it will leap from her vag and wreak havoc on the entire world. Doomed.

And do we really need another knocked Kardashian yap-yap-yapping about everything from her pregnant queefs to the fact that doesn't even really know how babies are made.

Spokeswhores for both Emily Blunt and John Krasinski confirm that they are well on their way to ruining their lives by getting married. Sorry about that last part. Celestia must've jumped in me for a second.

26-year-old Emily Blunt and 29-year-old John Karsinski started dating in November 2008 shortly after she quit it with Michael Buble.

If I was John, I'd take her name if they get married. John Blunt. Now that is a name. And I've written "Blunt" so many times in this post that I think I deserve one.

VIA UsWeekly (Image: Bauer Griffin)

Spokeswhores for both Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer tell People that the two are going to go down the aisle, kiss in front of a preacher and do all that wedding stuff, because they are engaged. I hope that when they are pronounced vampire and telepath, Stephen turns to everyone and declares, "Sookeh iz mahn!" And then Sookie will sigh and say, "Awwww Beeehl." Seriously, their Southern accents are the best. By the "best," I mean the worst. Anyway.....

27-year-old Anna and 39-year-old Stephen first met on the set of True Blood. They somehow fell in love between filming scenes of them making fake bloody love to each other. Their reps say they started dating on February 24th (SO EXACT!).

Stephen has two children from another relationship. There's been a few rumors that Stephen dropped his old piece to pick up Anna. If that's the case, come on down, Anna! Sienna Miller would like to proudly welcome you into the Bull Dozer Vagina Club!

P.S. - Doesn't Stephen Moyer look totally differenct without his face covered in white flour, translucent foundation (shade: Nicole Kidman) and geisha snot?

Jennifer Love Hewitt canceled her engagement to Ross McCall earlier this year and immediately replaced his peen with Jamie Kennedy's. I understand that JLove doesn't want her vagina to go cold, but bitch doesn't need to get engaged to her rebound dick! Page Six claims JLove has done just that.

On Saturday night, Jamie Kennedy played the Laugh Factory in Long Beach, CA. About two hours into his set, Jamie called JLove up to the stage so she could sing. I'm guessing JLove didn't sing an acoustic version of "How Do I Deal," because there was still a person in the audience to yell "MARRY HER!" to Jamie. A witness says that's when Jamie "got down on one knee and asked her to marry him." We're talking about JLove here, so of course her ass said yes. If the crusty corn on my toe asked JLove to marry it, she'd say yes.

Jamie could've just been joking, but you don't joke with JLove like that! Bitch took this for serious. She probably already called the wedding planner and said, "Yeah, just do the same shit as the last one."

One day JLove is going to wake up to find that her engagement finger is missing. Her finger is going to detach itself from her hand and quit that bitch. It's sick of the back and forth!

The Tush and The Bush are engaged to be married! That's what a rep for Kim Kardassian told Star Magazine. No word on when the wedding is. No word on when the baby is due either. SHUT UP! I know. That's the first thing I thought when I read that shit. Then I thought about how that fetus is going to be one lucky mofo. Obviously, Kim's womb will be his main home, but if he wants he can buy a timeshare in her ass. That way he has like a weekend place to chill out at. That fetus will be a jet setter before it's even born! From womb to ass to womb to life!

And Kim doesn't even have to worry about one of those ring bearing brats effing her wedding! She can carry the ring pillow on her ass! It's better that way. I've been to so many wedding where the ring bearer drops the ring. Everybody laughs, but you know the bride is thinking, "This little bitch is ruining my day." This won't happen to Kim, because she could balance a ping pong ball on her ass. And I'm sure she has in Tijuana.

Also, when Kim walks down the aisle, this will be the first time in history where the caboose actually leads the train.

UPDATE: Bitch ain't engaged. She wrote this on her blog, “I am not engaged!!! My new publicist was talking with Star Magazine earlier today and accidentally referred to Reggie as my fiance so they posted the news on their website! There have been so many rumors flying around recently about Reggie and I being engaged that she assumed we were! So, sorry Star Magazine for ruining your exclusive! It's totally my publicist's fault haha.”

The greatest news of all-time was announced today in NYC! Cynthia Nixon told the crowd at the Love, Peace and Marriage Equality rally that she is officially becoming Mrs. Rojo Caliente!!!! REJOICE!!!!!!! May a million gayelle angels sing!

According to Access Hollywood, Cynthia said she got engaged to Rojo Caliente last month!!!!! Seriously, my heart actually beat when I heard the news and I can't remember the last time that happened! My heart cares! I could hug a strap-on! I could kiss a power tool! I could canoodle with a pair of Bugle Boy khakis (pleated, of course)! I could dance with a Home Depot card! I could skip hand-in-hand with a flannel shirt through a field of red ferns! This is the news I've been waiting to hear. Seriously, today should be declared an International holiday! As should the day they got engaged. As should the day they get married!

Rojo is going to make the most beautifulest bride in history!

This past Valentine's Day, Harrison Ford got on one knee and asked Calista Flockhart to be his third wifey friend. I'm sure the happy moment was short-lived when Harrison's hip almost went out, he got a charley horse and he farted when he tried to get up. Oldies do that. And then Calista probably fell the fuck over, because the ring was too heavy for her skinny ass to hold up.

Some source told People that after 7 years of dating, 66-year-old Harrison gave 44-year-old Calista a ring while they were on vacation. Their spokeswhores have zipped up their lips and aren't saying shit about this matter.

Harrison is probably over her ass and figures the best way to get her off his old tired back is to marry her, because marriage kills the love! Or maybe he's hoping their wedding reception will be a costume party and that will give him an excuse to wear that amazing shit in the picture above. Oh fuck, I hope he wears that.

Marc Jacobs can't get married to himself, so he might as well marry the porterhouse steak version of himself. Women's Wear Daily says that Marc is engaged to Brazilian ad executive Lorenzo Martone. The two have been licking each other's peen trunks for like a year or something.

The rumor is that the two will announce their engagement when they arrive in Brazil today wearing rings. Engagement rings not cock rings.

Page Six adds that the two have already bought a marital love nest. Marc is apparently buying a $13 million 4,500 square-foot townhouse in the West Village. It has a private garden and roof, so they can shake their naked and pruned asses all over the joint in peace.

I will raise my mug of Sanka to these two and their stubble beards this morning. Seriously, all I see is a whole of stubble which makes me think of a whole lot of chafed butt cheeks.

The walking lollipop known as Christina Ricci is engaged to that giant beast of a man so says UsWeekly. Christina has been dating director Owen Benjamin for a few months. How many times do you think a waitress has asked him, "And what would your daughter like?" If he put her in a stroller and pushed her down the street, there wouldn't be a side-eye in sight!

Christina is 5'1" and he's fucking 6'6"! His ass can really pick her up and lick her ass like a real lolly! If he wants to hit it from the back, Christina has to get on all fours on a platform or some shit. They probably have swing sets, slings and ladders in their bedroom. Freaky ass bitches!

That wedding is going to be some good shit. Christina is going to have to stand on a stack of phonebooks and Owen will need megaphone so she can hear him when he says his vows. But I'm mad at her that during their first dance, she'll be able to give his peen a little tongue bath without any bitches noticing. That's a special thing!

Some bitch has agreed to wake up to Vince Vaughn's nose hairs for the rest of her days. Or until his fupa suffocates her while she's going down on him.

Star Magazine says Vince and real estate agent Kyla Weber became engaged on Valentine's Day. The two met at a wedding last summer. Kyla had a boyfriend of four years at the time, but let that bitch go after she met Vince. Yeah, I'm saying she's a gold digger. She's also going to have to be a moco digger, because you know Vince is the king of nose nasties. I get that vibe from him. He's going to need her little finger to get up there and clean it out. Bitch will really have to dig for her money. Yes, I think about these things.

A source close to the situation said, "They spent a romantic weekend together. He dropped to one knee to propose and presented her with a gorgeous $125,000 4-carat diamond set in platinum. They'll have their wedding either in L.A. or Alberta, and they're both ready to start a family immediately!"

I can't wait to see the magazine covers next week. They will read: VINCE VAUGHN IS GETTING MARRIED AND WILL HAVE BABIES SOON (Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston still lonely & barren).