Engagements

43-year-old David Schwimmer is getting married to 24-year-old photographer Zoe Buckman! These two crazy lovebirds met in London in 2007 while David was directing Run Fat Boy Run. This will be the first marriage for both of them.

David and Zoe have been dating for around 3 years, so you can stop trying to hand her that gold digging shovel! Besides, a trained gold digger digs with her mouth. Speaking of mouths, Zoe isn't puckering in the picture above because the money is so close she can actually taste it! No, she's puckering because pretending to suck on David Schwimmer's peen makes her happy. So there's really no need to embrace her into the Gold Diggers Club just yet!

Anyways, here's Ross' TRUE TRUE love Rachel Green looking more like Rachel Orange while doing stuff in NYC yesterday afternoon and this morning.

Simon Cowell's full-time titty plumper Mezhgan Hussainy has confirmed to Radar that she is engaged to Ellen Degeneres' arch rival. Mezhgan and Simon met while she was doing make-up on American Idol. Mezhgan added that she's already living in Simon's mansion built on broken dreams.

Simon's spokeswhore wouldn't confirm Mezhgan's confirmation, but he did say this shit:

“They are very suited. She is someone who is independent and says what she thinks and feels, and he likes that. He's probably the happiest I have ever known him in the nine years I've been working with him."

Let's not embrace Mezhgan into the club by stamping her ass cheeks with the "gold digger extraordinaire" label just yet. I'm sure this is real real REAL love. I mean, when Mezhgan looks down at that sparkly ring on her finger, her heart orgasms just thinking about the time that beautiful diamond fell out of Simon's plump nipple. Yes, Simon's nipples spit out diamonds. We know this.

And we totally need to lube ourselves up in Crisco so that we can smuggle into that wedding in Simon's under titty area (he won't notice). Paula Abdul and an open bar in the same room? It's like heaven's waiting room.

Since I haven't been getting my usual fix of Paula's crackery on American Idol each week, I"ll have to get it somehow.

That dude with a peek of belly skin showing (I know you were staring) gave Hilary Duff an engagement ring last weekend, and she said yes. Hilary's spokeswhore confirmed that she's promised to be married to her boyfriend of 2 years Edmonton Oilers player Mike Comrie. Hilary's rep rolled her eyes because she couldn't leave early for the weekend before putting this statement out:

"After having been together for over two years, they are very excited to share this happy news. They are thankful for all of your warm wishes."

Bauer Griffin has pictures of Mike proposing to Hilary on the balcony of their hotel in Hawaii. Seriously, dude gets down on knee and everything. Just like in the Lifetime movies! And they also have a picture of Hilary getting on her knees in front of Mike to celebrate their engagement. Hilary is all veneers, so Mike's face would look like this if she was giving him a "yay we're getting married" beej. I'm pretty sure she was just giving him a celebratory belly button rimming.

It was just a few years ago that Nicole Richie was picking Paris Hilton's crotch crustaceans out of her eyes from sleeping next to her during The Simple Life, and now she's all grown up with two chirruns and a new fiance! Meanwhile, Parasite is still blowing cum bubbles out of her ass. Some useless whores never change.

Joel confirmed the news on his Twitter last night: "Yep. i'm engaged. Very happy. Yeah we've been engaged for a while so your all kind of late on that. But Thanks for the hooplah all the same." But a few beats later, Joel erased it and wrote this: "Just woke up. I'm screwed. Oh boy."

YES, Joel! You really fucked this one in the ear. You were supposed to announce it on the cover of OK! Magazine. And now your check is going to be missing a zero. Thanks to you!

But seriously, Nicole also silently let the puss out of the bag when she showed up to Letterman last night with a big shiny rock on her finger (evidence below)

A source-type tells UsWeekly that they are planning the wedding for this summer.

Nicole and Joel have been together for over 3 years, so they had a good run. Now that they are getting married, they can finally know what it's like to completely hate each other. Because like my mom's thrice-divorced drunk friend says, as soon as you slip that band on your finger you suddenly become annoyed by the loud sound of your husband peeing (SPOILER ALERT: she's a bitch). Sounds fun!

James St. James over at WOW Report is part of Drew Barrymore's inner Facebook harem, because he jokes that he got her drunk on Kahlua and coke when she was 10. I'm sure it wasn't Kahlua and coke. It was Kahlua and cream, because James knows that milk does a growing child's body good.

Anyway, yesterday Drew switched her status to ENGAGED!

And if it's on Facebook, it must be true. Facebook never ever lies. So that means that Drew is walking around with an iRing on her finger from The Mac Dude. Unless, Facebook does lie and this is just a publicity stunt cooked up by Steve Jobs to promote the iPad. This is possible

Somebody get the Geek Squad on the phone, because my Gaydar just put its hand on its forehead and passed the hell out all dramatic-like. It got the vapors. The reason? According to People, Tara Reid has signed up for her next role....as this tangy wienerschnitzel's beard.

Since her engagement to a faux blind dude didn't really pan out, Tara figured she would take a page out of Star Jones' playbook.

Tara's rep (aka Tara using a voice modifier) called People up and confirmed that she is engaged to German gay porn internet entrepreneur Michael Axtmann (that's "Michael Assmann" if you're always first in line at the salad bar). Tara's rep went on to say, "Michael surprised Tara with a beautiful round brilliant cut ring. ara was so happy, and the other patrons clapped and yelled out, 'Congratulations.'"

Tara and Assman began dating last year. They're planning on getting married in a small ceremony this Summer.

Let me step out of the shade for a minute, and say that this is good for Tara. She needs a main gay in her life to tell her the truth (i.e. her weave is parched and her stomach looks like 4-week-old chicken parm). AND Assman obviously threads his eyebrows as often as he bleaches his glitter hole, so he is an excellent choice for Tara.

Kate Moss received a very special ring from her boyfriend Count Von Count on her 36th birfday in Mustique. No, he didn't get her an extra-deep coke ring. Kate already has a jooree box full of those. Count Von Count got her a sparkly engagement ring.

A source tells the Daily Mail that Kate had no idea Count Von Count was going to propose. Kate picked out the ring in London and surprised her by flying to Mustique. The source added, "Kate was stunned, Jamie called her up and told her not to come home. He said he was flying out to Mustique. He had carefully picked a ring and chose her birthday to propose. It was the first time they had been alone together in quite a while and it was extremely emotional. Kate and Jamie are in a very good place, they already live together and this is the next step to settling down for good."

The dealers are weeping this morning, because Kate and Pete Doherty were the Princess Di and Prince Charles of their time. A sad day at the crackhouse.

And while Kate was slipping on her new engagement ring, I'm sure Pete Doherty was somewhere scratching the ringworm on his groin. Star-crossed lovers forever.....

Here's a flambeed (Jack and coke glow?) Kate Moss with her maybe fiance at the airport in London yesterday.

Evan Rachel Wood, 22, and Marilyn Manson, 41, barely got back together last month, and The Mirror is saying they already engaged to be married. A source says that at one of Marilyn's shows in Paris recently, he asked Evan to be his wife. Evan, who was probably high from constantly inhaling the Wite-Out he uses on his face, said "Yes."

Nothing good can come of this. Let me rewind.... the only good thing that can come of this is the wedding. That will be like an Emo kid's Halloween-themed MySpace page come to life. Think Platinum Weddings: The Hot Topic Edition.

Instead of releasing doves into the sky, Marilyn will bite a dove's head off Ozzy-style and spit it at the mother of the bride. Instead of kissing the bride, Marilyn will cut the bride and drink her blood. Instead of Evan carrying a bouquet of fresh roses, she will carry a bouquet of dead roses and baby doll heads. Instead of riding off in a horse-drawn carriage, they will ride off in a coffin on wheels. And does anyone know if Forest Lawn hosts weddings?

Carrie Underwears got engaged over the weekend to Mike Fisher, a hockey player for the Ottawa Senators. The two pieces of boiled broccoli have been heavy petting (you know Carrie is going to keep her vagina to herself until marriage) since last year.

Carrie Underwears better not even think about changing her last name. There's only one famous Carrie Fisher allowed on this planet. Chewbacca will chew a bitch over this!

UsWeekly says that Mike confirmed the news at a press conference this morning. Mike was about to give all the exciting engagement details, but then he pulled a Rusty by falling the fuck asleep. Even Mike Fisher gets the bores when he thinks about Mike Fisher and Carrie Underwears.

But you know what's not boring? This picture of Mike Fisher getting his love handled from a dick sucker's point of view.

Don't ever tell Miranda Kerr's brother a secret (i.e. that you floss your teeth with your toenail clippings), because ho can't keep one. Apparently, he's been telling everyone with ears that his sissy is going to marry Orlando Bloom. This is another reason why we all lie to our family members.

Miranda and Orlando have been dating for around three years. They recently denied marriage rumors, but Miranda's brother farted off to OK! Magazine, “He's finally done it. Orlando has proposed. They're getting married.” And you just got dis-invited. No open bar for you.

You know, Orlando Bloom is so purdy that he could be a Victoria's Secret Angel himself, so I'm not sure who would make a lovelier bride. My nipples are humming just picturing Legolas with a white lace veil on his head and a bouquet in his delicate hands. Doesn't that sound as precious as a My Little Pony Sno-Cone maker?

UPDATE: Orlando Bloom's rep says this rumor is made of lies. Miranda's brother must have been drinking again.