Kristen Stewart

Remember when Kristen Stewart got a whole lot of shit thrown at her face for basically saying that she feels like someone needs to hand her a rape kit after the paparazzi takes her picture? Well, she continued to whisper sweet nothings into the faces of the paparazzi in Paris recently. After the human version of a skater boy's scab signed a bunch of autographs, she turned to her soulmates the paparazzi and told them to freeze to death (at the 0:42 mark). That was an early Valentine's Day gift from KStew to the paps. You know, if the paparazzi took a few steps back until they reached Eastern Europe, they could freeze to death! That Kristen. So fucking topical.

(Thanks Robin)

Yes, that is what my headlines look like before spellcheck. ("You use spellcheck?!" - you)

Kristen Stewart is once again saying words that were not written for her on a script and you know what that means? Brace yourself for a river of dumb. Kristen tells British GQ (via HuffPo) that because of her acting career she had to leave school in the 7th grade to be homeschooled. But it's not what Kristen wanted and she doesn't blame her parents for choosing an acting career for her instead of an education. Kristen blames the teachers! Can somebody please give her an A+++ in HAHAHAHA making.

You see, apparently Kristen's old teachers need more education themselves, because they didn't know that she's a precious snowflake who deserves a special kind of attention. As Matt Damon eye snarled at Kristen, she said this:

“School became genuinely uncomfortable. I was feeling a little self-conscious about the acting thing with my peers, but also my teachers became a problem. They didn’t want to do the extra work or put packages together so I could keep up while away.

They failed me. My teachers failed me. Not one, but all of them. I’m always slightly ashamed in a way, about what I do. I’m slightly embarrassed as I had such serious ambitions when I was younger, I just never imagined that I would ever have a reason not go to school. But then this happened.”

It's true. Shame on those teachers who worked a full day, graded papers during dinner, put together packages for sick students afterward and completely ignored the needs of Kristentitled who couldn't go to class because she had to report to a day job that paid her twenty times more than her teachers make. DECERTIFY THEM ALL!

But really, why is she even moaning about this? She's got enough cash in her chain wallet to last her the rest of her life without working, so she could, you know, quit acting and go to school. Dumb bitch is just bitching just to bitch (story of this blog, I know).

Kristen's rich, gets to say lines for a living, has a closet full of lower lips (since she's always biting hers off), a (fake) boyfriend that millions of hos twerk their clits to and a PhD in HERP DERP. What more does the bitch want?

Before you laugh, point and thrown giant DUNCE caps at RPattz for being the poster boy for "Ass Sex: You're Doing It Wrong", you should know that this picture was taken on his first day of how-to-take-a-strap-on training and he's just learning. Would you laugh at a newborn kitten if it fell on its pink nose while trying to make a walk for the first time? Okay, yeah, your evil ass would, but you still shouldn't call him a dumb bitch who can't bottom. But moving on to more important and earth-shattering news....

Any Twistorian will tell you that ever since the producers of Twatlight bounded Kristen Stewart and RPattz together in holy fakery to sell those dumb movies, neither of them have admitted in word form that she's sucking glitter shards out of his sparkle hole every night. But during a photo shoot with British GQ (via Daily Mail), Kristen Stewart mumbled out that she hopes to explore the UK more while shooting that Snow White movie, "because my boyfriend is English." The planet put on its brake and then the interviewer asked her to elaborate about that shit, to which she responded with:

"I never would have said that if I knew you were interviewing me.

So much of my life is so easily Googled. I mean, it’s like, come on guys, it’s so obvious!

'I don’t think you realize what a big deal it is for people. Well, it is a big deal. They would be 'Oh. My. God'. There would also be still a 50/50 split. Some people would still be, 'See, told you they’re not together.'

I don’t worry about it at all. It’s just one of those things. I’m selfish. I’m like, 'That’s mine!' And I like to keep whatever is mine remaining that way. It’s a funny little game to play and it’s a slippery slope. I always say to myself I’m never going to give anything away because there’s never any point or benefit for me."

I know this news made the Twihards shoot their panties off with a cooch cream geyser and then eat up those underwear pieces out of sheer excitement before barfing out a vomit ball that they molded into a heart for their "Edward & Bella 4EVA" altar, but Kristen didn't exactly say the name Robert Pattinson. Kristen only said that her boyfriend is English. Bitch could be talking about Madonna for all we know.

The play "Equus" now playing at your nearest trailer court park. - Stock Broker

Runners-up:

Those greedy Kardashians are going to sue for royalties when they see Heidi Montag's new sex tape. - nennycakes

When in town, be sure to tour the Budweiser distillery and see how their beer is made. - jazzfish_77

Unfortunately, all of RPattz' unicorns were too busy acting Emo to help out on the set of Snow White, so they were stuck with this piss poor substitute. - atlantapug

via Splash

The power of trimmed brow merkins, black eye pencils, horse tails, extra hung Bumpits, high-powered fans and the "lipstick lez" tool on Photoshop cannot be denied!

Kristen Stewart normally looks like a homeless runaway who chews on her lip scabs inside of the ATM room at Chase bank on 2nd Avenue and spits at you when you don't put a dollar in her cup after she opens the door for you, but W Magazine glamoured her up for their fashion issue. Yes, their fashion issue. Because when you think of fashion, you automatically think of the ho who looks like she buys all her clothes at a gas station. If they wanted a Twilight-related cover, they should've went with the forever fashionable Nutty Madam instead. Truth.

Click here for KStew's interview with W if that's what you need on your eyes today and here's more of her looking like a cross between the Ghost of Priscilla Presley's Past and Lindsay Lohan before meth ate the young from her face.

These pictures will definitely have a place at the Harpo, Who Dis Woman Museum one day.

Straight from Comic-Com comes the promo pictures for Stoned Snow White and the Huntsman starring Kristen Stewart as Snow White, Charlize Theron as The Evil Queen, Chris Hemsworth as The Huntsman, Sam Claflin, Eddie Izzard, Nick Frost and Toby Jones. This is the second Snow White movie coming out next year, and this one is going to turn Snow White into a Joan of Arc type bad bitch who drops the innocent maiden act to take down The Queen.

I know these are just pictures, but since only premature overreactions are allowed on the internet, I just have to say: THE FUCK?! Kristen Stewart as Snow White = No. Kristen Stewart as Dopey = Si. How is Snow White going to bite the apple when she's too busy biting her own lip? How are we going to know the difference between Snow White in an apple-induced coma and Snow White not in an apple-induced coma since Kristen Stewart always looks like she's been bitten by the Lunesta moth. And even a half-broken lezzie mirror with Twihard tendencies who has never felt the drop of Windex would never say that Kristen Stewart is "fairer" than Charlize Theron. Bye Ho....Bye Ho....

Bitches need to explain all of this right after they explain why Charlize Theron looks like Heidi of the Alps at a Brother of the Wolf costume party.

The unicorns are definitely no longer frolicking through the rings of glittery dandruff in RPattz's hair, but mostly because they are too busy using their energy to figure out what in DR. KIMBERLY SHAW hell is going on with his hair? That is the kind of haircut you get when you set your clippers to a HERP DERP blade.

RPattz sat next to Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner at a Twilight Comic-Con panel in Los AngelesSan Diego today looking like he ran into the wrong group of rabid Twihards who attacked the side of his head by ripping out chunks of hair with their bare teeth so they that their butt could give birth to his hair babies (yes, this was their plan even though a few of them screamed about how they were never going to shit again).

No, RPattz told reporters that he has a Hitler Youth gone wrong haircut for a new movie he's doing. Okay, I get it, but isn't this why movies have budgets?! Couldn't they have put a half-shaved wig on his head so when he's done with work he doesn't look like he has bi-seasonal hair (winter on one side, summer on the other). Better yet, they should've asked Ryan Gosling's dog George to be RPattz's hair double since that bitch basically has the same cut.

There was a good reason for why Kristen Stewart's hair last night looked like it got attacked by a family of rabid raccoons who were trying to get to the Funyun bits in her mop that landed there after RPattz threw the bag at her when she finished up the last joint. Because I'm pretty sure both RPattz and Kristen Stewart were inhaling the good shit behind a bush right before the MTV Movie Awards (aka The Let's Jack Off The Cast Of Twilight Awards) last night.

When RPattz and Kristen won the Golden Cup of Dingles Award for Best Kiss, they stumbled around uncomfortably the same way I do when a one-night fuck partner puts the fun on pause to say he's going to use "the little boy's room" (Note: Don't bring up little boys when you're doing big boy stuff).

Then RPattz suddenly remembered his lines and frolicked into the audience to plant a totally staged kiss on Taylor Lautner. The sparkly vamp on llama wolf kiss actually dimmed the gay rumors that swirl around Taylor Lautner, because that shit was about as erotic as the sight of Nutty Madam scrubbing the Twicream out of her Edward Cullen panties in the guest bathroom sink. But I'm sure it still made thousands of 13-year-old Twihards sign up for the vampire chapter of PFlag. Clip (via Rickey) below:

But RPattz didn't stop there! During a tribute to Reese Witherspoon (HA!) with Chelsea Handler and Patrick Dempsey, RPattz gave a speech you usually see from the drunk best man at a wedding (fuck bomb included). It was like watching a train full of glitter vodka and grease teeter off the rails and slowly crash into a rubber chin factory.

Getting bombed to drop a fuck bomb at the MTV Movie Awards is the best thing RPattz has ever done.

Andre Leon Talley is the most influential person in the fashion world (as Tyra Banks tells us every single week on America's Next Top Model) and he really didn't disappoint at last night's MET Costume Gala last night when he floated onto the red carpet like the ethereal gay dream version of some University's mascot. You can tell that when his farts billow through that gown, they smell like blueberries dipped in melted grape chapstick. When ALT is done with that old gown, he can donate it to the entire graduating class (EVERY SCHOOL) of 2011! There's room in there for all of them.

The Vixen of Vogue wasn't the only trick who served scalding hot fuckery on a plate of fuckery last night. There were others who made it their night's goal to summon a wave of WTF faces from the photographers. They would not let ALT be the only one. No, they would not!

Wednesday Addams snatched this shit from the rack marked "Morticia's freakum dresses" in The Addams Family costume closet many years ago and she's been waiting for the day to wear it.

Kate Hudson's dress is pretty normal, but that crap on her head looks like a rhinestone sea urchin that crawled out of Andre Leon's Talley's glitter hole and found a new home on her hair.

Miranda Kerr's mess of a dress is like Lara Flynn Boyle's balleriNO look meets the White Swan meets Mimi's slutty bridal gown costume.

Ashley Olsen brings us the news that Brenda Walsh's prom dress moved to Switzerland and got a morning job as a milk maid.

Christina Hendricks... Christina Hendricks... Christina Hendricks... I'm just going to focus on the beautiful pair of sunrise chichis and then move right along before I get rust poisoning.

A slew of ICANTS go to Fuggie Fug, Freida Pinto, Kristen Stewart, Marc Jacobs, Robert Duffy and Serena Williams (who thinks she's at a HoJo's Royal Wedding party).

Lastly, I can't say one mean thing about Basement Baby's look. Beyonce accidentally left a bag of Cost Plus impulse buys in front of the basement door and Solange made a DRESS out of them. Not a dress, but a DRESS! No comment on the make-up which makes her look like a constipated lady bug.

Hasn't Margot Kidder been through enough?! I'm already cringing at the news that Kristen Stewart may play Snow White (more like Weed Green) on screen, and now here's a rumor that she's just one of the names being thrown around as a possibility for the role of Lois Lane. Shut everything down, so this doesn't get to Margot Kidder!

Zack Snyder has already found a hot piece to stuff into Superman's Spandex jeggings, and now he's focused on finding the perfect Lois Lane who will hopefully have better hair than the sad mousy mop of dried shit string that was on Kate Bosworth's head.

What's Playing says that Anne Hathaway was offered the role, but she pushed it off her table in order to play Catwoman in The Dark Knight Rises. Since Zack's first choice isn't into that shit, he's auditioning almost every young trick who's been on the cover of Elle, Cosmo, Vogue or whatever in the past month including Malin Akerman, Rachel McAdams, Jessica Biel, Dianna Agron, Mary Elizabeth Winstead and KRISTEN STEWART!

This rumor must have originated in the brain of a Twihard before spreading all over the Internet. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think Superman ever dropped Lois Lane midair, because he could no longer take looking down and seeing her face twitch like she's getting an enema in slow motion. Kryptonite is supposed to be Superman's only deadly weakness. Unless, details got mixed up and Kristen is REALLY in talks to play a piece of Kryptonite. Now that I can see.