Charlie Sheen

Lindsay Lohan is as pure as a morning dew drop on a freshly bloomed daffodil's petal and her lips are as untouched as a newborn kitten's asshole before it takes its inaugural shit, so of course she wouldn't want to dirty herself up by kissing on a wart-ridden, sore-covered, filthy bag of sucio. TMZ says that Lindsay Lohan's scenes with Charlie Sheen for Scary Movie 5 were the most terrifying scenes ever written in the history of scene writing, because the script called for them to touch mouths at least three times. They didn't touch mouths three times, though. They barely touched mouths at all, because LiLo refused to kiss Charlie. LiLo knows where Charlie's mouth has been, because her skank mouth has been to some of the same places.

TMZ's source says that on shooting day, Charlie and LiLo got into bed together and he was down to smear his crack smoke-covered lips all over the rubber slugs on her mouth, but she wouldn't do it. They both put their signatures on a release saying that they didn't have cold sores on their mouths, but she still wouldn't kiss him and nobody knows why. TMZ's source says that before they even started shooting, LiLo told her friends that she didn't want to mouth hump on Charlie. Even if Charlie marinated his lips in vodka for 12 hours she wouldn't want to kiss him. Even if Charlie removed his dentures and put in teeth made of cocaine she wouldn't want to kiss him. LiLo didn't want any of that.

They tried to use a body double (aka horny ass White Oprah), but it didn't really work so most of the kissing crap was cut out.

I know this is like the oozing open sore saying "Don't get near me, you're gross!" to the oozing open sore, but you still have to give it to Lindsay Lohan. Bitch was probably snorting kitty litter cut with coke off of Charlie's crusty taint in his dressing room, but when it came time to kiss him in front of people, she suddenly grew standards. She basically called Charlie a nasty bitch in front of everyone and he still gave her $100,000. Ho is delusional, but you can't hate her hustle. Besides, Charlie should know that most smart whores never kiss on the mouth. Now if the scene called for LiLo to kiss Charlie's other lips, it would've been a different (and more horrifying) story.

Since Charlie Sheen has a such a giving heart and is always happy to bail out a fellow coke whore, he gave Lindsay Lohan $100,000 as a gift a couple of weeks ago. Charlie said that the $100,000 was for a "project" (read: a rim job since not even School Teacher from Hookers at the Point would tongue tickle Charlie's b-hole for $100,000) and then he whined to the media about she never gave him a thank you of any kind. Lindsay Lohan ungrateful and rude?! NEVAH!

TMZ says that after Charlie Sheen called Lindsay Lohan out for being a rude bitch, she sent him a bouquet of flowers and a thank you card. Some source says that LiLo didn't thank Charlie for contributing to the vodka industry by giving her $100k, because her phone broke and she lost all of her contacts including his number. Yes, Lindsay Lohan could've stuffed a rolled thank you note in the cooch of a random L.A. call girl and it would've gotten to Charlie Sheen in under 24 hours. But since her brain is a cocaine breast implant, she didn't think of that and came up with another amazing excuse that will go in her upcoming book: Lindsay Lohan's Book Of Excuses NOT TO USE If You Want Your Excuse To Sound Somewhat Believable.

It's the thought that counts, but who gives Charlie Sheen flowers? FLOWERS?! That's like giving Jessica Simpson vegetables as a gift or giving John Travolta a rubber vagina for a gift. What is Charlie Sheen supposed to do with dumb flowers that Lindsay Lohan probably picked from somebody's front yard? Actually, I shouldn't say that. LiLo knows Charlie Sheen too well, so I'm sure she gave him a beautiful bouquet of morning glory seed packets.

Charlie Sheen recently started his Save A Fellow Crack Whore Foundation and his first act of charity was sending Lindsay Lohan's manager a check for $100,000 to go toward her IRS debt. Two of the four horsemen, Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, bonded on the set of Scary Movie 5 by taking turns slurping vodka shots out of a call girl's b-hole and they got so close that she told him she owes the IRS $234,000. Charlie was going to give LiLo a donation right then and there, but she refused to take his money. But Lindsay Lohan did take his money later when he sent her that $100,000.

While talking to Entertainment Tonight's Chris Jacobs, Charlie said that he did give Lindsay Lohan $100,000 and she took his money, but she never even dropped him one simple thank you. Charlie said that he was happy to "pay it forward" and he owed her money from a "project" she did for him. via ET:

"I'm still waiting for a text to say 'thank you,'" laughed Sheen. "Anything, you know?"

Nevertheless he wished "the best" for Lohan, explaining that she's "a very good and decent young lady that is just going through a lot."

He added, "She just needs a little bit of time…People need to give her time to get her shit together."

A project? The Untitled Lindsay Lohan Helped Charlie Sheen Dispose Of A Call Girl's Body After She Overdosed In His Trailer Project? That project? Or maybe he's talking about the Untitled Lindsay Lohan Promised Him A Foursome With Three Generations Of Lohans Project (insert Nana Lohan double side-eye here)? It's one of those projects, I'm sure.

Lindsay Lohan is smart for not saying thank you. Because saying thank you is confirming to him that she got the money and gave it to a pharmacy in Ensenada, Mexico in exchange for two truck fulls of Adderall.

And speaking of $100,000, I'm pretty sure I owe each of you $100,000. Because as soon your eyeballs landed on that picture of Charlie Sheen looking like Mr. Burns' droopy asshole, they exploded and now you need an eyeball transplant. I'll just say what Lindsay Lohan says when the IRS comes knocking on her door looking for money, "The check is in the mail....and by chance, are you holding right now?"

While shooting up together in his trailer on the set of Scary Movie 5 back in September, Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan bonded the way all drunk messes bond while taking turns snorting a bump out of a call girl's b-hole. TMZ says that between filming, LiLo and Charlie hung out and she told him all of her problems including her problems with the IRS. LiLo owes the IRS almost $234k for not paying taxes in 2009 and 2010. Since Charlie always has his Captain Save-A-Crack-Ho hat on, he offered to pay off LiLo's tax debt, but she refused. Future civilizations will refer to "LiLo turning down money" as the final sign of the Rapture.

You'd think that the dented metal memory cabinet in Charlie Sheen's head is filled with nothing but crack smoke, but apparently it isn't. Charlie remembered LiLo's problems with the IRS and last week he sent her business manager a charitable gift in the form of a $100,000 check. This time LiLo accepted his gift and used it to pay almost half of her IRS bill. Some source says that Charlie did it out of the goodness of his crack damaged heart and wants nothing in return. Uh huh.

TMZ also says that LiLo is going to make $2 million this year and who knows if any of that money went to the IRS. But why should LiLo send her money to the IRS when she can send Charlie's instead?   Obviously, Charlie didn't give LiLo that money for free and now every time he comes calling, she's gotta slurp on his perma-soft coke peen and slurping on his perma-soft coke peen is probably as boring as deep throating an overcooked fettuccine noodle. But she's done a lot worse for $100,000 (see: I Know Who Killed Me) and she can write off all the mind numbing substances she has to snort to get through an intimate moment with Charlie.

In case you were wondering, Charlie Sheen is still being Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen is still keeping the economy alive by snorting a quarter ounce of coke a day, smoking crack, watching Internet porn all day and throwing thousands of dollars at high-priced pussy peddlers. A source tells Radar that Charlie is blowing through his Anger Management money in more ways than one.

The source says that for the past 8 months, Charlie has slipped back into his crackhead ways and is spending around $2,000 a day on the bad shit. Charlie's private drug dealer brings over a quarter to half an ounce of cocaine a day. Charlie sometimes snorts it, but since he's a lover of gourmet coke, he usually cooks it with baking soda in his bathroom and smokes it out of a pipe he made from a Fiji water bottle. Yes, Fiji. TRASH! Charlie needs to read this week's edition of GOOP, because GOOP says that only the poor smoke their drugs out of a Fiji water bottle. The rich only smoke their drugs out of $52 rolling papers from Sugar Paper or they smoke it out a pipe made from a Vittel water bottle imported from a recycling center in Toulouse.

When Charlie isn't inhaling the breath of a Lohan through a Fiji crack pipe, he's buying top shelf poon by the dozen. Charlie even has a favorite hooker and he loves her so much that he gave her the gift of a new vagina. The source says this:

"Charlie fancies one girl in particular and sometimes pays her a whopping $25,000 per night to be with him — and that's not all. This one girl that Charlie really likes had insecurities about her vagina so she begged Charlie to get her a vaginal rejuvenation surgery to make it prettier. And he did. He got her the surgery, and he also bought her a new car."

If you need a visual as to what an ugly vagina looks like, just look at that picture above again.

Charlie really is a saint for helping those with unfortunate chochas. That poor girl probably did whatever she could to revitalize her stale cookie. She hung one of those Little Trees air fresheners (scent: new twat) over her box and it didn't help. She put a new coat of paint on it. She refaced it. She even called HGTV's Holmes on Holmes for help, but nothing worked. Then the one-crackhead Make-A-Wish foundation for whores came along and answered her snatch's prayers. Since cheap ass Oprah isn't giving anything away for free nowadays, it's nice to know that Charlie is. You get a pussy! You get a pussy! And YOU get a pussy! Pussies for everyone!

The producers of Scary Movie 5 apparently didn't know that dealing with Lindsay Lohan is about as pleasant and soothing to the nerves as trying to shit in a public bathroom when the stall door lock is broken and you have to keep it shut with your hand. Everybody knows that trying to brush a shark's teeth with a baby toothbrush is easier than trying to deal with Blohan's messy ass, but the producers of Scary Movie 5 are still shocked and surprised that she's been a cracked out nightmare to work with.

Page Six says that LiLo is only in the movie for a few minutes and only needed to be on set for a few days, so things should've gone easy. But since LiLo is a professional fuck up, she missed rehearsal and didn't get on her flight to the set in Atlanta. LiLo said she had "walking pneumonia" and couldn't make it to the set, but a source says that she didn't want to make fun of herself and that's the real reason why she didn't show up. In the script, LiLo and Charlie Sheen make fun of themselves for being the human Hindenburg disasters of Hollywood. The script calls for LiLo to kiss on Charlie Sheen and she didn't want to do that either. The source explained it like this:

“Lindsay missed every meeting she had for the film, including script reads and wardrobe meetings. Then she missed her flight to Atlanta on Sunday to shoot the movie. The producers had been getting signs Friday that she was a mess, and would not be fit to work. She is under contract — so to get out of it, she had to prove that she was sick. She tried to prove she has walking pneumonia. She’s been locked up in her room at the Bowery Hotel. She’s been in a tailspin. Even Charlie Sheen worried she might not be able to do the scene.”

LiLo finally showed up after the studio threatened to sue her for breach of contract and sent a private jet to NYC to pick her up.

First of all, LiLo should want to suck on Charlie Sheen's gnarly warlock face, because do you know how many lines of the bad shit she can lick off his tongue? Second of all, "walking pneumonia" must be the delusional way of saying chlamydia and flaring coke sores. Third of all, the producers of Scary Movie 5 should've just stuck a hidden camera in her stolen suite at the Bowery and put that footage in the movie, because I'm sure there's nothing more hilariously horrific than seeing Blohan in her natural habitat. Fourth of all, we've been getting signs since 10 million Fridays ago that she is a mess.

Expect to see the headline "Los Angeles All Out Of Crack Rocks" when Scary Movie 5 starts shooting, because mess and messier will both be on the set, together. Lindsay Lohan's comeback tour has already hit a basic cable disaster, a low-budget soft-core porn and now it'll be hitting a piece of cinematic mastery that will probably win all the Razzies. E! News says that LiLo has officially signed on to do Scary Movie 5 and Charlie Sheen's character will be back for more foolery. The Warlock and Crackzilla, together at last. Everybody run! I would say that this means The Rapture is definitely coming, but even the Four Horsemen and a swarm of locusts don't want to be around when those two wrecks get together.

The only good that can come from this is if LiLo and Charlie run out of the bad shit and booze during filming and start to turn on each other. You know how in Wackiki Wabbit when those two starving castaways are so delirious with hunger that they start to imagine each other as delicious food? That's totally going to happen to LiLo and Charlie. Their trailers will be completely dry of all mind-altering substances and they'll start to go delirious as they sober up. LiLo will then picture Charlie as a fat line of coke and snort him up. Let's hope that happens.

And here's some backstage footage from the future of LiLo and Charlie on set together:

Like he was ever off of it, I know. It's the golden age of the bad shit and pussy peddling industries again, because Radar said yesterday that Charlie Sheen has been partying it up like Charlie Sheen all night, every night at his mansion in Beverly Hills. Charlie has been getting so high that he grew a third arm (see picture above), because three coke snortin' hands are better than two. ("How can I grow one of those third arm things?" - Lindsay Lohan)

Charlie's neighbors say that on most nights, a new set of goddess skanks show up and don't leave until the morning. Those skanks should keep a lock pick set stashed in their no-no holes just in case Charlie is back to his old tricks and locks them in the bathroom. The neighbors also say that Charlie and his band of warlock-humping hos are making all sorts of noises in his backyard and there's always random cars parked in his driveway. It would be shocking news if Charlie Sheen wasn't burying himself at the bottom of a mound of 8-balls and call girl cooch, but TMZ decided to ask him if he's back on the bad shit anyway. They also asked him if his ex-goddess Brooke Mueller, who's drying out in rehab right now, is using again. Charlie responded with this statement that sounds like it was taken directly from the mouth of Colonel Kurtz (I think it was). WARNING: High doses of tiger blood-covered fuckery ahead:

I can't speak to anyone's opinion or judgement.
I was there
they were not.
their tepid
hearsay is a baseless
static drone.
a mantra.
their theme.
I refuse to be held hostage by their 'constitutional'
privilege,
to judge those
who can and who do.

nabobs.
CS

Um..... I'll take that as a YES. Because if I put my nostril on the bottom of that statement and drag it up while snorting, I'd be as high as Charlie was when he said this shit.

In "Bitch, you know you need to stop" news, Charlie Sheen is threatening to throw a lawsuit at Cheetahs strip club in Manhattan for naming the VIP room after him. The president of Cheetahs says that Charlie isn't mad because the club is using his name to make money, he's mad because men can pay to eat sushi off of semi-naked strippers in the VIP room and he feels this damages his reputation. Charlie does have a point. Charlie has a tarnished, bruised, wart-ridden reputation as the warlock king of sucioness to uphold and eating raw fish off of a bare titty is an act that's way to classy for him. If a dude could pay to snort dried tiger blood out of a hooker's ass crack as a goat slapped its lipstick on his back, Charlie wouldn't be bitching. Here's what the president of Cheetahs told Page Six about Charlie's threats:

“We figured it would be comical to name a room after him. It was a room [with pictures of Charlie in it] where you could dine on sushi served on cellophane on the body of one of our entertainers, not where you do crack. Then we got notification from his lawyer to cease and desist, claiming the usage of his name would be detrimental to his persona. They said they would sue us for millions if we carried on. How could sushi damage Charlie Sheen’s reputation? We thought dedicating a room to dine in his honor would help repair and elevate his image. He should have called us up and thanked us. We have now removed his name, he wasn’t doing big business for us anyway. We had a little ritual and threw his image in garbage — a celebration of Charlie Sheen being dumped.”

Charlie's lawyer says it has nothing to do with his reputation and everything to do with Cheetahs making money off of his name.

Who thought this was a good idea in the first place? If I'm going to nibble on coochie fumes-infused raw salmon, I don't want to do it while staring at a Charlie Sheen picture staring at me. That combination sounds like a quick way to get a case of the barfs and a case of the retina herps.

I'll never know why Cheetahs didn't name their VIP  room "The Piven Cave" in the first place.

I didn't spend one minute with the premiere of Hobo Yanni on Two and a Half Men or Comedy Central's Annual Douche Barbecue, because if I want to slowly torture all of my senses, then rainbow sequins and satin-slathered crotch bulges must be involved (see: Dancing with the Sores). But Charlie could give three tiger clits and a warlock dick (Side note: Googling "warlock dick" taught me is the name of the man who played psychotic human killer Michael Meyers. There has to be a connection there somewhere.) that some of us didn't watch the pimples on his ass lips get flambéed by comics and Steve-O. Charlie don't care, because he's too busy drawing up blueprints for his planned tunnel to Colombia with rest stops at the finest underground whore houses in Mexico and South America.

TMZ reports that Charlie and Warner Bros. have settled their fight over the warlock cock bag getting kicked off of Two and a Half Men. WB will cut Charlie a $25 million check in a couple of weeks for work he has already done on the show. On top of that, Charlie will get around $100 million over the next 10 years for syndication profits. If you were drawing yourself as a She-Ra character on your paper bag book cover during math class and missed the whole "adding and subtracting" part like I did, then let me do the calculator work for you and tell you Charlie is going to get at least $125 million for this shit.

The thing that hurts me in the soul most about this news is that it brought back the hash tag from hell #WINNING. The good news is that this new mountain of cash will keep Charlie busy while keeping the bad shit and porn pussy peddling trades alive. And if that doesn't keep Charlie busy, then somebody please tell him that it looks like he has a pair of hair tits on his head. Trying to motorboat his hair will keep Charlie from leaving the house for the next few weeks.