In case you missed it, below is the clip of Charlie Sheen at the Emmys last night awkwardly wishing his former co-workers at a Two and a Half Men nothing but good things for their upcoming season. Now, I'm going to tell Charlie Sheen the same thing I told a way-too-hot piece who talked to me at a bar once: You a suspicious bitch! Is this one of those What Would You Do? situations? Where's John Quinones? See what I mean:
No punchline. No joke. Just Charlie saying nice words while using his tongue to search his upper gum area for stuck coke bits. Now I know how the cops feel when they're interviewing Charlie in a hotel hallway knowing very well that he's hiding a decapitated hooker, a pregnant goat and a portable crack smoke sauna in his room. After Charlie uncomfortably did step 9 of The Twelve Steps in front of millions of people, he posed for a picture backstage with his replacement Hobo Yanni.
And where was Demi Moore last night? Demi actually stayed away from a field of cameras?! Talk about suspicious bitches. Either bitch is off getting her pulled head transplanted onto an 18-year-old's body AGAIN or unlike beard bichitos, Demi can't fake wanting to be near Ashton.
(Image via Twatter House of the Warlock Tiger)
Just looking at Charlie Sheen's face makes me want to baste my eyeballs in crack smoke, but I guess Brooke Mueller is willing to take that chance. Charlie's ex-wife Brooke Mueller is trying to de-crackhead herself in rehab and apparently she's doing well, so what's the next logical step for her to take on the road to sobriety? Go to Mexico with the crackhead who tried to stab her face off, of course!
The dehydrated warlock who was mummified with strips of turtle jerky tells TMZ that Brooke is doing so well in rehab that he's rewarding her by taking her on a trip to Mehico this weekend. One of the definitions of "not end well" in the dictionary of truth is: "crackhead leading a crackhead to Mexico..."
Charlie tells TMZ that Brooke has been "busting her ass with the boys, and [she's] more sober and healthy than I've ever seen her." Charlie is making it his mission in life to get her completely cleaned up and free of crack cravings.
Brooke must still be crack damaged in the brains if she's getting on a plane and going on a trip with a sleazy-eyed skeeze bag who always has a look in his eye like his head just birthed a bad intention. Did Brooke not learn anything from that sad Robyn Gardner story?
But I wish Brooke and Charlie were going to Thailand instead. Then they'd meet a hot Australian dude (played by Daniel Lapaine) who secretly hides a stash of heroin in their bags and they get caught by airport security on their way to Hong Kong. They're immediately jailed for 33 years, but Charlie eventually feels bad for all the shit he's done to Brooke so he takes the fall. Brooke is released and Charlie has to spend the rest of his days in a Thai women's prison listening to that fucking awful Sarah McLaughlin song over and over again. That is how this should end.
What am I talking about? That would never happen. Hiding heroin from those two is like hiding fuck-ready dick from a Portlander!
At last year's Gathering of the Juggalos it was proven that Faygo-filled trailer clowns and free clinic midgets don't get along when the Juggalos tried to murder Tila Tequila by bombing her with their own shit. So when the crackhead warlock known as Charlie Sheen said that he was going to make an appearance at this year's Ground Zero of civilization, I figured shit would go either two ways. Either they'd declare him as their new leader and bring him gifts of Juggalette snatch and toilet meth, or they'd rip out all of his veins and smoke that shit out of an empty Faygo bottle. Sadly, neither of those things completely happened.
The Juggalos didn't turn Charlie's face into their personal septic tank, but they didn't worship his ass either. When Charlie got on stage, they showered his ears with a few boos, and forced him to pull out his Major League catching skills by throwing crap at him. But bitch still got out of there alive.
That being said, this time two years ago, Charlie Sheen was at the damn Emmys and now he's getting booed by Juggalos? If that scene was a mural, it'd be painted on the bottom of a barrel.
Brooke Mueller took a break from trying to de-crackhead herself in rehab and stopped by Charlie Sheen's mansion on Sunday to stick her nostrils in his carpets hoping that she'll snort up something good. No, in an effort try to get clean Brooke played happy family with the dehydrated warlock and their twins. Brooke and Charlie are usually brawling like two toothless whores fighting over the last bit of crack dust on a broken light in a Super 8, but they put the hate on pause for the sake of their blond tiger cubs. Charlie gave this precious picture to TMZ and said "harmony is our goal. Sunday was a wonderful start." When Brooke graduates from rehab, Charlie plans to move her into a house near his mansion to parent their kids together.
Yes, Charlie and Brooke both have the same looks on their faces as a couple of methed-up crazies who stumble up to you in the parking lot of a Walmart to make a "fair trade" by giving you their toddlers in exchange for what's in your wallet and that bottle of ANTIFREEZE in your trunk, but they're trying.
And yes, I only typed the word "ANTIFREEZE" in all Kanyes to distract Charlie and Brooke with all of the freebasing possibilities while their toddlers sneakily crawl to a safe place where they can be raised by that half-eaten Twizzler.
Okay, so you've all been warned that Jacko and I are guest blogging this week so MK can have five minutes without us breathing down his neck (not like that sucios!!). This is your chance to bail. For the three of you that stayed, may I present the GODDESSLESS Charlie Sheen for your shredding pleasure.
According to TMZ, Charlie is not #WINNING today. Chuck's last goddess standing, Natalie, quit that bitch last week. I guess she got tired of propping up his cokey peen with popsicle sticks and duct tape, packed her toothbrush (yeah like that ho knows what hygiene is but just play along) and got the fuck out. She tried to peel out all dramatical like, but Charlie made her hand over the keys to the Mercedes he bought her. Ooooh, who's to the left to the left now Natalie??
Charlie's not crying in his crack pipe though. He spent that very night with three women from three different countries. He either wanted the International Special or those are the only three bitches in the world who don't have internet access. So any of you who have no standards, acne, a love for the bad shit, at least 3 STDs and aren't much to look at can apply at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen's 2-year-old twin boys, Bob and Max, already know the words "winning," "warlock," "8-ball," "ODed hooker," "crack rock" and "jewface demon" from spending time with their daddy and now he's teaching them yet another word they can tell their child therapist after they're caught by authorities trying to escape to the hills to be raised by wolves. Charlie tells TMZ that while he's taking care of his boys this weekend, he's going to teach him how to say "rehab" since that's where their mother spends most of her time. This Mother's Day, Bob and Max are going to forgo giving Brooke the usual gift of a yellow handprint plaque and will instead give her the gift of saying "rehab" to her face. How fucking warming to the heart that is.
Charlie eloquently explained it like this to TMZ: "I am teaching them words, because they're speaking now. I'm teaching them the word 'rehab' so they always know where their mom is."
Charlie could be joking, but knowing his crack-damaged brain, he isn't. Let's hope he isn't, though. Charlie really is the one to teach our nation's children the important words they will need to know for future use. This just confirms that Fisher-Price really needs to release a "The Crackhead Says" See 'n Say starring the voice of Charlie Sheen.
Brooke Mueller's week of crackwhore shenanigans came to a close yesterday when she did the inevitable by checking herself into rehab for the (count as high as you can and enter it here)th time. Unless Brooke spewed out a dozen catchphrases on Ustream and booked a multi-city tour, rehab was pretty much the only option for a crackie like her. As part of her child custody agreement with Charlie Sheen, Brooke was supposed to squat over a plastic cup on Friday for a drug test, but she never showed up since the contents of her bladder could make a drug sniffing dog's nose fall the hell off. Brooke opted for rehab instead!
TMZ says that Brooke is obviously trying to cover her own ass, because her child custody settlement is now in jeopardy. Radar says that the ramshackle warlock prophet has already made moves to get custody of his twins. A source says that Charlie Sheen's lawyer will file documents asking a judge to turn custody of the boys over to him. Brooke's lawyer is ready to argue that her mother is taking good care of the boys and Charlie has only seen them a handful of times over the past few months. The source went on to say, "Charlie has had enough with her excuses, period. Brooke refused to take a random drug test. Charlie's attorney will use that as evidence that the boys are better off with him than with Brooke."
Saying Charlie and Brooke's twins are totally fucked is an understatement greater than a Catholic priest saying he's okay with children. If Brooke keeps custody of the boys, it's only a matter of time before they end up on the storage room shelf of a pawn shop in Inglewood. If Charlie gets custody, it's only a matter of time before they end up wiping tears from the face of a naked whore after their daddy locks all of 'em in a hotel bathroom. I'll tell them what my therapist told me when I was 13: "You're screwed up beyond the point of no return so run with it!"
If Brooke needs a good reason for why she's back on crack, she should just show the above picture to the court. Your brain's natural reaction to being touched by Wonky is to instruct your mouth to put itself over a crack pipe as soon as possible. Scientists have proven this.
Yesterday, Brooke Mueller hustled hard for clean piss when she found out that she had to undergo an unscheduled drug test in connection with her child custody agreement with Charlie Sheen. No word yet if Brooke's scheme of disguising herself as a potty training technician to steal clean piss from a toddler worked, but TMZ is reporting that she had another Intervention moment yesterday. Brooke Mueller might be Broke DrugMueller, because TMZ has footage of her trying to get some quick cash for a fancy watch and a stereo at a pawn shop in Inglewood, CA. Because Brooke didn't bring any kind of I..D., she walked out of there empty handed.
Brooke gets $55,000 a month in child support from the Warlock Jester of Duhville and on top of that received millions of dollars in her divorce settlement, so she shouldn't be that hard up for money. When you're hawking shit for a quick dollar at a pawn shop in Inglewood, it usually means that you need to bail a bitch out of the clink or your dealer refuses to take a handjob and lap dance as payment.
And the video! Damn. Brooke is nervously pacing like me at the porn store when the cashier is ringing up my purchases and I know I've only got $100 on my debit card. You know that feeling. The total is rising to your reaching point and you're saying a silent prayer that one of the crazies from Extreme Couponing would magically show up with a double coupon for butt plugs. Brooke was acting like a serious strung out version of that.
But I'm sure there's a good explanation for this. Brooke volunteered at a child's orphanage earlier that morning and accidentally left her wallet there. By the time she realized this, it was already nap time at the orphanage and she didn't want to wake the sleeping angels, but she really needed the money to adopt a group of puppies from the pound that were about to be snuffed out. That explains the pawn shop visit and the nervous shake (PUPPIES LIVES WERE AT STAKE!)
Or maybe the toddler she was trying to steal clean piss from realized what she was up to and demanded a diaper bag full of cash. I swear, IN THIS ECONOMY, even toddlers are refusing to lower the price of their clean piss.
Charlie Sheen was already ran the hell out of Detroit after his Violent Torpedo of Shit show sparked a boo riot bigger than the one Aretha Franklin used to bust out when Lafayette Coney Island ran out of chili. Charlie sort of rebounded a little by getting standing ovations in Cleveland and Columbus, but the dehydrated warlock refugee was once again knocked off of his mercury surfboard at Radio City Music Hall in NYC last night. From the reviews I skimmed through, it seems like some of the audience (the hos who lubricated their souls with potent mind-altering substances) jumped onto his crazy train, but most of the audience filled his ears with a familiar sound: BOOS!
When Charlie claimed he was off of the bad shit and completely drug-free, he got hit with a wave of boos. When he talked about the time he screwed a pregnant hooker in Mexico, BOOS! And when he said that Nicolas Cage actually came up with the term "goddesses." BOOS! I'm not sure what kind of crackhead shenanigans the audience expected, but whatever it was Charlie did not deliver. Charlie must've realized that most of his audience wished they were locked in a bathroom at the Plaza Hotel instead, because he squeezed his warlock ass cheeks and cut that shit short after an hour. A couple of dozen people gave him a standing ovation, but most of the audience walked out with their booos leading the way. New York Magazine talked with a few of the fools who dropped their dollars into Charlie's collection cup last night:
When the show ended, almost exactly an hour after it began, the crowd hurried out into the lobby. ”I thought it would be so bad I thought it was funny,” one man said to his date, ”but it wasn’t even.” “The stories weren’t even that good,” another complained. “He obviously needs a script,” a Two and a Half Men fan observed. Outside Radio City, TV cameras swarmed around asking for people’s impressions, as others huddled around to watch. “It was embarrassing,” one guy said. Another countered, “It was hilarious.” On her way down into the subway, a man asked his friend, “What were people expecting?” She replied, "Something better than this?"
The "something better than this" girl was obviously hoping for the kind of crack damaged performance you'd get from a 60-something junkie sitting next to you at the counter of a diner in Herald Square at 3 in the morning. Like the old drunk at the diner who asked me to buy him a coffee and when I said I would, he told me to make it a double whiskey instead. When I turned down that request, he said he wished my mouth will never get a dick hard again (Like my mouth ever got a dick hard in the first place. Joke's on his ass!). If that's what Charlie's audience wanted, they should've went to a diner in Herald Square at 3 in the morning instead.
And since we're here, would it hurt Charlie Sheen at all to use some of that tour money to buy his goddesses better clothes. Last time I checked Aphrodite and Athena didn't go around dressed like rejected extras from Clueless and The Baby-Sitters Club. One looks like she was just rescued from a child sex trafficking ring and the other one looks like a To Catch a Predator decoy. Only PedoBear's ass would consider those two as "goddesses."
International treasure Betty White is not the one who will dry Lindsay Lohan's fake tanner tears over a slice of cheesecake at a round table in the kitchen and she's definitely not drinking or even sipping tiger blood. Betty White continued to add to the neverending list of reasons to love her when she gave her thoughts about Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen to the Daily Mail of all mails. Basically, Betty thinks that LiLo and Charlie need to do ass-to-ass with a giant double-sided dildo made of gratefulness. Tell that shit like it is, Betty!
"They party too much, don’t learn their lines, are unprofessional and they grumble about everything. I think they are terribly ungrateful. I cannot stand the people who get wonderful starts in show business, and who abuse it. Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, for example, although there are plenty of others, too. They are the most blessed people in the world and they don’t appreciate it."
Of course, LiLo had something to say to this to E! News, "I've always been a fan of hers. It's just a bit strange when people feel they must speak publicly about others. Especially a grown woman."
Why the hell did LiLo even waste a breath she could've used to puff on a Red? Betty White is right. End of story. Shut those silicone anal glands on your mouth and take it. Betty White is saying what Charlie's and LiLo's family should've said a long ass time ago. If only Betty could stick her fist up White Oprah's ass and do the talking for that delusional crazy from now on.