CROCS Are Evil

During the season premiere of Celebrity Rehab, Jeremy Jackson, Hobie from Baywatch turned meth head turned steroid needle fucker, had an insane conversation with resident technician Shelly that went like this:

Shelly: What about bottled water? Are you okay with bottled water?
Jeremy: I...um... You know, in a pinch.
Shelly: In a pinch? What do you mean? What's wrong with bottled water?
Jeremy: That plastic bleaches and causes cancer. And, uh, bisexuality it's been linked to directly
Shelly: Minerals in water....
Jeremy: Yeah.
Shelly: Causes bisexuality?
Jeremy: Yeah, it's been linked anyway.

Oh, Hobie, just because you did ass sex with a bottle of Poland Spring when you were high on meth that one time and it gave your peen the good leaks, doesn't mean you're half-gay. I SWEAR. This isn't a warning that guzzling bottled water will give you a hankering for peen and poon, but it is a warning that mixing meth with roids will feed the part of your brain that operates paranoia and dumbness. Hobie should also know that scientists have reason to believe that his third degree meth face causes asexuality. It's been linked anyway.

But just to be on the safe side, I'm going to send a case of bottled water to Prince Hot Ginge....

via Jezebel

A recent poll shows that the majority of the world's population has jumped over to the light side and now believes that CROCS are made from the charred souls of Satan's slaves in the depths of HELL (I'm lying, there's no such poll). That is exactly why the CROCS main PR department, whose offices are in the 6th circle, is trying to win you back by pulling at your heart strings until your arteries split open and bleed tears made of AWWWWWWs. Example: This story about an adorable PAID LITTLE ACTOR English boy whose young life was saved thanks to a pair of CROCS! You feel the first string tugging already, don't you. WEAK FUCKS!

Danielle Sutton-Dormer of Essex tells the Daily Mail that her 3-year-old son Harley got electrocuted from a faulty blowdryer in a swimming pool changing room at a leisure centre near their home. Harley suffered a few minor burns, but the paramedics said it could've been much much worse if he wasn't wearing the lifesaving CROCS. Harley's mother said, "The paramedic said he was really lucky he was wearing Crocs shoes at the time, as they stopped the electricity going through his legs and coming out of his feet and probably saved him from serious injury."

The moral of the story is, do not use a fucked up blowdryer in a swimming pool changing room! But if the importance of hair forces you to do so, slip two giant rubber vaginas over your feet or stand on two dildos. They will also stop the shock and you won't look like a complete fool. Okay, you will look like a complete fool (who is mostly likely on some kind of government list), but at least you won't be contributing to EVIL!

Okay, maybe just one comment:

Wait. Did I just post a picture of a cat in RED Crocs?! Run Morris RUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

via Craigslist (Thanks Brian)