Please Report To The Devil's Office

David O. Russell, noted asshole (click here and here for evidence) and director of The Fighter was being investigated by the Broward County Sheriff's after his 19-year-old transgendered niece told police that he molested her chichis in the gym of a Florida hotel during a workout on December 30th. If this story was a cup of alphabet soup, it would only have the letters W, T and F floating in it, because this shit is just fucked up.

TMZ says that David's niece told police that they were doing ab crunches together (???) when he stopped to ask her about her transition and that led to talk about how hormones are making her tits grow. The niece claims that during their talk David slipped his hands under her top to touch her bare breasts. So there's David, molesting his transgendered niece right next to the ab crunch machine in the middle of a damn gym. If it makes you feel less gross, David and his niece aren't related by blood. It didn't take a layer of gross off? Yeah, me neither.

The niece reported the titty grab three days after it happened. She told the cops that it made her feel uncomfortable, but she never told him to stop. When the cops asked David about it, he said that she gave him permission, because she wanted to know if one of her tits was bigger than the other. David also said that his niece is the one who made him pinky swear to not tell anyone about it. At this point in the police interview, David probably should've ate his fist and shut the hell up, but he kept talking:

In the police report, one of the investigators notes, "Russell stated [his niece] is always causing drama since the transgender transformation and has become very provocative and seductive."

That shit actually came out of his talk hole. Lily Tomlin, please feed this asshole your boot. David should've just told police, "It's Florida!" That would've been a better excuse.

And when you're a 52-year-old grown man and a 19-year-old asks you to PINKY SWEAR to not tell anyone about you grabbing her nipples in a hotel gym, just perform a citizen's arrest on yourself and go directly to jail. Because something illegal definitely went down.

A little while ago, a rep for the Broward County Sheriff's office said that they are not filing charges against David and the case is closed:

"We are pleased that the authorities have looked into this matter and have confirmed that the investigation has been concluded and the case has been closed."

They probably checked the law books and found out that in Florida a pinky swear is considered a legally binding agreement and so none of their testimonies could be used in court. Damn.

The Today Show this morning aired a video of who they've confirmed as the pride of Florida Waste Management, Casey Anthony, speaking into the webcam of her new computer about her life now and how she wants to start getting used to talking in front of a camera. That last part is Casey's way of saying, "I'm ready, Jerry Springer, and bring a blank check." While looking like Kate Gosselin's old possum hair shit all over her head, Casey talks into the camera and doesn't mention Caylee's name once, but does say that she's adopted a puppy and lets out more "me-es" than Kanye during a Twitter rant.

Casey shot this gross mess back in October and nobody knows how it somehow magically ended up splattered all over the Internet (SPOILER ALERT: The bitch leaked it herself). It's also not known where she shot this shit. To me, it looks like Casey's inside of a mobile office trailer on a construction site. Yes, I've been in plenty of mobile office trailers so I know what they look like. You can read all about it when I put out my first book: The Places Craigslist's Casual Encounters Section Has Taken Me.

But more importantly, WHO IN LUCIFER'S REACH HELL GAVE CASEY ANTHONY A PUPPY DOG?! Does Michael Vick have an underground dog adoption agency we don't know of?

Rachel Uchitel, one of the chicks who's famous for doing down and dirty Ambien-induced ho shit with Tiger Woods, is pregnant and this time she thinks she knows who the father is! Or at least that's what she's telling her husband. TMZ reports that Rachel's developing crotch fruit should be ripe for the picking sometime in April. They did maths and came up with the date from Rachel's tweet with this pic and "Expecting big things for 2012... Five down, Four months to go." She married Matt Hahn, the only man on Earth who's never heard the old saying that you can't make a ho a housewife, in a secret ceremony in October. I wonder if the bride wore white? Hey, cum stains are white, so. Pristine.

So if the baby is due in April, and they of course saved sex for their wedding night (aaahahahhaha), this miraculous bebeh will only take 7 months to fully cook! Fast, just like momma. Someone should tell Matt that butt secks does not result in babies. No, on second thought don't, and let him love the little bundle of joy when he comes out with a lovely tan, looks suspiciously like the pool boy and has a propensity for speaking Spanish.

Congrats to the happy couple! And little one, hold out for a c-section. You don't want to slide down that.

I've been trying to stay away from all things Jerry Sandusky, but I cannot ignore the far-fetched shit dingle of dumb that fell out of one of his lawyer's trash hole while explaining why he showered with boys. This has to be the most ridiculous and gross explanation for something I have ever heard and this is coming from a bitch who has read every single one of White Oprah's delusional statements of defense for LiLo. This shit is just beyond the realms of WTF:

"Some of these kids don't have basic hygiene skills. Teaching a person to shower at the age of 12 or 14 sounds strange to some people, but people who work with troubled youth will tell you there are a lot of juvenile delinquents and people who are dependent who have to be taught basic life skills like how to put soap on their body."

See, Judge, Jerry Sandusky isn't a pedophile monster who should slowly rot into the ball of slime that he is behind a prison cell, he should head The Department of Health and DIAL should hire him as their new spokesperson. Jerry not only taught those kids how to soap themselves up, but he also taught them that if you don't have a sponge on hand, use a dick instead. That Jerry Sandusky, cleansing our nation's youth, one anal rape at a time.

Source: ABC27 via USA Today

The New York Daily News (via THR) planned to do a picture spread featuring non-models wearing some of the hideous tacky shit from Versace's collection for H&M, but that idea was crushed into fine powder and snorted up by Donatella Versace after she refused to let size 6 fatties represent the Versace brand. That's right. If you want to be photographed wearing a skirt that looks like it was made from the curtains of a HoJo's in Boca, your body better be thinner than my will to live when I stare at Donatella's Shroud of Turd face for too long.

The NYDN says that when they presented the idea of showing off the collection on the size 0 to 6 bodies of New York types, H&M told them to hold that thought, because they had to get Versace's permission first. H&M didn't think Donatella would approve it since she's made it clear that she doesn't want "real women" modeling the collection. The NYDN sent H&M pictures of the women they wanted to use. H&M was right, because Donatella declared that all but one of the women didn't fit "Versace's branding."

You'd think that Donatella would bend her cunt rules a bit since: 1) Her daughter Allegra has suffered from anorexia for years; and 2) Ugly hos, fat hos, skinny hos, pretty hos and all of the other kinds of hos shop at H&M. But Donatella has a reputation as a nightmare-hearted cretin to uphold.

If Donatella let non-skinny people with non-alien faces wear Verace in a photo shoot, Kunty Karl would banish her from the Death Eaters' lair forever. Then Donatella would be so upset that she'd eat actual food instead of human souls and she'd eventually turn into a normal person whose heart beats and who thinks reasonable thoughts. We don't want this! Cunts like Donatella make our world go round.

Oh, and is Donatella wearing brown lip liner in that picture or did the person who anal bleaches her mouth miss a spot? If it's brown lip liner, ten glamour points for Donatella. If it's her anal bleachers' fault, KILL HIM!

As soon as you tag this picture with "This Is Our Future, Part I Lost Track Because It's Hard To Count While Weeping" and file it under "RIP Humanity," please contact Child Protective Services. The parents of these children must be arrested for allowing their own to buy this generation's Mein Kampf. Now that we've gotten that business out of the way....

Pimp Mama Kris further proved that the dead organ in her chest is made from the worst stuff in Hell last week when she whored out her new memoirs by talking about the chapters that she devotes to her supposed friend Nicole Brown Simpson. Kris summoned a wave of eye rolls when she claimed that Nicole let out a subtle cry for help during a phone call the two had the day of the murder. Kris also wrote in her book that Nicole told her about a safe deposit box where she kept all the evidence of the abuse she suffered at the hand of OJ. Kris' version of the story is that after the murder, Nicole's sister Denise Brown asked her about the safe deposit box. Denise's version of the story is that Kris is completely stuffed with shit and is a satanic whore monster for trying to beat coins out of her dead sister's grave. We've all seen crucifixes turn and fall off the wall when Kris walks by, so this isn't surprising news to any of us.

Denise went to The National Enquirer and gave them her side:

“Kris Jenner IS pathetic. I had just found out my sister was murdered. The last thing on my mind was whether or not Nicole showed anyone any pictures she had in a safety deposit box. In fact, I didn’t even know my sister HAD a safety deposit box with pictures of her abuse until the beginning of O.J.’s trial – months after she was murdered.

I think most people will question her intentions of writing about my sister’s murder,” Denise fumed. “I am really disappointed in Kris. For the past two-and-a-half years, my family has had some relative peace regarding all of this stuff. Now that Kris has brought it up again, she’s split open the healing wounds.

For her to write about it is like reliving it all over again. My poor mother is really taking it hard. Haven’t they made enough? Nicole has been dead for 17 years. Please, Kris, don’t profit off of my sister’s horrible death."

The machine counting all the money Kris is making off of Nicole Simpson's death is really loud, so I doubt she can hear anything Denise is saying. But once she gets Denise's message, I'm sure she'll do the right thing and donate all proceeds from the sale of her evil book to charity. Oh wait. That won't happen. Giving away money given to you by your brainwashed fans is a form of "Indian Giving" and Kris is way too classy to do that.

As Pimp Mama Kris' prized pig tries to give the performance of her stupid life by woeisme-ing over her publicity stunt marriage coming to an end at LAX last night (see below), the whoriest whore of all whores is out there whoring out her dead best friend for some attention of her very own. Pimp Mama Kris is peddling her memoirs about how she went from Jack Tripper's wingman to an ambassador from HELL, and in it she basically digs up Nicole Brown's grave with her satanic claws, pulls out the bones and poses next to 'em for the cameras. Just when you thought this fame fucking whore master couldn't get any lower, the bitch opens a trapdoor.

Long before Kris' ex-husband got O.J. Simpson off, she was best friends with Nicole Brown Simpson and she claims that the two talked the morning of the murder. According to Kris, Nicole wanted her to come over to talk to her about something important (important being her ex-husband was going to kill her). Kris couldn't get away from her family duties and she thinks that if she did meet with Nicole, her friend of 15 years would still be alive today. Radar has the excerpts that will be used to argue for Kris Jenner to take Lucifer's place after he destroys himself over creating these whore monsters.

Nicole called her early on June 12th, Kris writes. "Nicole said, "Can you get over here...? I need to talk to you. It's really important'."

Busy with her own children, Kris asked if they could put it off until the next day. But Nicole was persistent. "'That's okay, can you meet me tomorrow for lunch? I really have to talk to you about something really, really important'." Says Kris, "It would be the last time I would ever speak to Nicole."

The next morning, Kris was plunged into shock and trauma as she woke to the news that her close friend had been stabbed to death. "I instinctively knew that in some way O.J. had something to do with her death.

"I truly couldn't believe she had been so betrayed by the person who she had once loved most. That O.J. would be so destructive and selfish and jealous that he would do that to her was just mind-blowing to me. All these thoughts were running through my mind: This can't be true."

Her sadness grew even deeper as she realized that changing her schedule to meet Nicole on the eve of her murder could have saved Nicole's life. A mutual friend later told her, Kris writes, that "Nicole had been beaten up by O.J. and she had been keeping this physical proof in the form of photographs and, it would turn out, other evidence, in which she had documented seventeen years of abuse. Nicole really wanted someone close to her to know what was going on, so that somebody - namely me - could be a witness."

Kris was devastated at missing the opportunity to possibly save her. She recalls screaming, "'Oh my God! It's too late! It's too late!'...The realization that she had wanted to confide in me hit me so hard. ... And I had let her down."

This bitch's ego probably looks like the inside of a colonic machine. What's the point of saying this? Did Pimp Mama Kris even testify that she spoke to Nicole that day? Probably not. Why testify for free when you can testify in a tell-all book for a quick check?

The only way to shut this Pimp Mama Kris' mouth is to let her know that if she "saved" Nicole Brown Simpson's life, then there probably wouldn't be a murder trial, which means Robert Kardashian wouldn't be a household name, which means Kim would still be Parasite Hilton's Valtrex holder and the tattered skin on Ray-J's dick would be more relevant than her entire family. "Uh. Strike my last statement from the record" is probably the line that would fall out of Pimp Mama Kris' mouth next.

Tonya Cooley of The Real World: Chicago and a thousand editions of that Real World/Road Rules Challenge mess has thrown a lawsuit at MTV, Bunim/Murray Productions and her co-stars Kenny Santucci (left) and Evan Starkman (right) for the alleged sexual abuse she suffered while shooting a challenge in Thailand. One of those acts of sexual abuse involved the thing you used to scrub the sleep jank off of your teeth this morning. Yes, this is what happens when people stop being polite. They rape you with a damn Oral-B.

TMZ says that Tonya's lawsuit claims that while she was passed out, Kenny and Evan stole another dude's toothbrush and used it to brush her labia lips and even put it in her vagina. Tonya says that the cameras caught every bit of her getting toothbrushed in the vagina and not one member of production tried to stop them. Instead, Tonya says producers got rid of some of the evidence by replacing the toothbrush and they never told her about it.

Tonya wasn't the only girl who went through some not right shit. According to Tonya, several of the girls complained to producers about the dudes grabbing at their off-limit parts before, after and during challenges. The producers never did anything about it and even fueled the illegal fuckery by "stripping the female contestants of their bathing suits" and encouraging the dudes to "inappropriately touch female cast members' bodies, including in intimate areas."

Kenny and Evan never got into trouble for allegedly raping Tonya, but she was later kicked off for slapping the fake tan off of Veronica.

Tonya is suing for unspecified damages. Both MTV and Bunim/Murray kept their lips closed about this as of yesterday.

I have watched every Real World and every challenge and Tonya definitely comes off as a tiny hurricane of crazy who spits out lies. But Kenny and Evan are certified douche fucks of epic proportions. Kenny is a piece of smug shit whose brains are operated by AXE body spray and think he's the greatest thing to happen to women folk in the history of ever. Evan is what would happen if Mr. Potato Head ate a gamma bomb before it detonated. Bitch not only looks like a block of white cheddar cheese, but he's as smart as one to. That's not fair to say. If we put a block of cheddar cheese next to Evan and asked them to spell out their name slowly, the block of cheddar cheese would answer correctly before Evan's stupid ass did. So you don't have to choke my nipple knobs with floss to get me to say that I 100% believe that these two assholes are capable of doing fucked up shit like this.

And where was Bethasaurus when we needed her most?!

It wasn't not funny, indeed.

Meanwhile, Joe Francis just sent a basket to MTV thanking them for temporarily making him look less predator-ey. I mean, raped with a toothbrush? THE HELL? Please hold me, CT.

Some things you just can't find in a Lonely Planet travel guide. Here's one of those things: In the Zimbabwe town of Zvishavane exists the wrong stuff that when snorted or smoked causes your brain to seep out the kind of fuckery-coated hallucinations that not even Alan Ball could dream up. That is one of my only explanations for why this happened.

The Sun (of course) reports that a 28-year-old nasty ass fucker named Sunday Moyo (quick side whisper: that's a really good drag name) was arrested on Monday in Zvishavane after he was caught doing a donkey the way no bitch should do a donkey without getting permission from said donkey first. The police found Sunday performing a sex act on the donkey who was lying on the floor while tied to a tree. Earth to PETA, stop photographing F-list titties and get on this. Shit.

Sunday was charged with bestiality and the court ordered him to undergo a psychiatric evaluation. Why must his head be analyzed by mental health professionals, you ask? Well, first of all, he raped a donkey. Second of all, the power of crazy was with him in full force when he told the court the reason for why he fucked a donkey:

"Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested.

I had hired a prostitute and paid US$20 for the service at Down Town nightclub, and I don't know how she then became a donkey. I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with the donkey."

Why do I have a feeling that this same speech came out of Brenda Song's mouth when her mother asked her why she was marrying Trace Cyrus?

There was an episode from last season's Top Chef: Just Desserts where they had to make edible outfits to match a pair of high heels and the show's runner-up, Morgan Wilson, nearly internally jizzed himself inside/out over this pair of red shoes. Really. I kept waiting for him to excuse himself so he could go into the pantry and fuck his peen hole with its heel. Like he's that kind of freak. The kind of dirty freak who will om nom nom on your panties if you left them on the floor and nibble on your pit hairs while you slept. I always got that kind of vibe from him, but I didn't ever think he was a freak of the illegal kind. But his sucio ass is, apparently.

ABC News says that Morgan was hit with a felony child porn charge a couple of weeks ago after undercover investigators caught him downloading illegal shit on Limewire last year. Yes, this motherfucker was using Limewire. Here's all the lovely details from ABC News that will make your pores barf:

The 38-year-old chef, who lives in Plano, is due in court Oct. 27.

Wilson was first arrested on Dec. 7, 2010 after undercover investigators say they received several file transfers from Wilson via a peer-to-peer file-sharing service. Those files, received in Sept. 2010, allegedly contained images and videos of children, some as young as toddlers, engaged in sexual acts. Police subsequently searched Wilson’s home, where they say he signed and dated pornographic images he admitted he’d viewed. Wilson’s laptop computer and external hard drives also were confiscated. He was released on $10,000 bail following his December arrest and ordered not to use computers without supervision.

Wilson reportedly works as the executive pastry chef at the Ritz Carlton Hotel in Dallas, though his name does not appear on the hotel’s website. He also has a young son, about whom he often spoke during his Top Chef: Just Desserts “confessional” segments.

And is this nasty herp derp-looking bitch wearing a Snuggie in his mug shot? Pack up your tools and go directly to jail!