Please Report To The Devil's Office

The New York Daily News (via THR) planned to do a picture spread featuring non-models wearing some of the hideous tacky shit from Versace's collection for H&M, but that idea was crushed into fine powder and snorted up by Donatella Versace after she refused to let size 6 fatties represent the Versace brand. That's right. If you want to be photographed wearing a skirt that looks like it was made from the curtains of a HoJo's in Boca, your body better be thinner than my will to live when I stare at Donatella's Shroud of Turd face for too long.

The NYDN says that when they presented the idea of showing off the collection on the size 0 to 6 bodies of New York types, H&M told them to hold that thought, because they had to get Versace's permission first. H&M didn't think Donatella would approve it since she's made it clear that she doesn't want "real women" modeling the collection. The NYDN sent H&M pictures of the women they wanted to use. H&M was right, because Donatella declared that all but one of the women didn't fit "Versace's branding."

You'd think that Donatella would bend her cunt rules a bit since: 1) Her daughter Allegra has suffered from anorexia for years; and 2) Ugly hos, fat hos, skinny hos, pretty hos and all of the other kinds of hos shop at H&M. But Donatella has a reputation as a nightmare-hearted cretin to uphold.

If Donatella let non-skinny people with non-alien faces wear Verace in a photo shoot, Kunty Karl would banish her from the Death Eaters' lair forever. Then Donatella would be so upset that she'd eat actual food instead of human souls and she'd eventually turn into a normal person whose heart beats and who thinks reasonable thoughts. We don't want this! Cunts like Donatella make our world go round.

Oh, and is Donatella wearing brown lip liner in that picture or did the person who anal bleaches her mouth miss a spot? If it's brown lip liner, ten glamour points for Donatella. If it's her anal bleachers' fault, KILL HIM!

As soon as you tag this picture with "This Is Our Future, Part I Lost Track Because It's Hard To Count While Weeping" and file it under "RIP Humanity," please contact Child Protective Services. The parents of these children must be arrested for allowing their own to buy this generation's Mein Kampf. Now that we've gotten that business out of the way....

Pimp Mama Kris further proved that the dead organ in her chest is made from the worst stuff in Hell last week when she whored out her new memoirs by talking about the chapters that she devotes to her supposed friend Nicole Brown Simpson. Kris summoned a wave of eye rolls when she claimed that Nicole let out a subtle cry for help during a phone call the two had the day of the murder. Kris also wrote in her book that Nicole told her about a safe deposit box where she kept all the evidence of the abuse she suffered at the hand of OJ. Kris' version of the story is that after the murder, Nicole's sister Denise Brown asked her about the safe deposit box. Denise's version of the story is that Kris is completely stuffed with shit and is a satanic whore monster for trying to beat coins out of her dead sister's grave. We've all seen crucifixes turn and fall off the wall when Kris walks by, so this isn't surprising news to any of us.

Denise went to The National Enquirer and gave them her side:

“Kris Jenner IS pathetic. I had just found out my sister was murdered. The last thing on my mind was whether or not Nicole showed anyone any pictures she had in a safety deposit box. In fact, I didn’t even know my sister HAD a safety deposit box with pictures of her abuse until the beginning of O.J.’s trial – months after she was murdered.

I think most people will question her intentions of writing about my sister’s murder,” Denise fumed. “I am really disappointed in Kris. For the past two-and-a-half years, my family has had some relative peace regarding all of this stuff. Now that Kris has brought it up again, she’s split open the healing wounds.

For her to write about it is like reliving it all over again. My poor mother is really taking it hard. Haven’t they made enough? Nicole has been dead for 17 years. Please, Kris, don’t profit off of my sister’s horrible death."

The machine counting all the money Kris is making off of Nicole Simpson's death is really loud, so I doubt she can hear anything Denise is saying. But once she gets Denise's message, I'm sure she'll do the right thing and donate all proceeds from the sale of her evil book to charity. Oh wait. That won't happen. Giving away money given to you by your brainwashed fans is a form of "Indian Giving" and Kris is way too classy to do that.

As Pimp Mama Kris' prized pig tries to give the performance of her stupid life by woeisme-ing over her publicity stunt marriage coming to an end at LAX last night (see below), the whoriest whore of all whores is out there whoring out her dead best friend for some attention of her very own. Pimp Mama Kris is peddling her memoirs about how she went from Jack Tripper's wingman to an ambassador from HELL, and in it she basically digs up Nicole Brown's grave with her satanic claws, pulls out the bones and poses next to 'em for the cameras. Just when you thought this fame fucking whore master couldn't get any lower, the bitch opens a trapdoor.

Long before Kris' ex-husband got O.J. Simpson off, she was best friends with Nicole Brown Simpson and she claims that the two talked the morning of the murder. According to Kris, Nicole wanted her to come over to talk to her about something important (important being her ex-husband was going to kill her). Kris couldn't get away from her family duties and she thinks that if she did meet with Nicole, her friend of 15 years would still be alive today. Radar has the excerpts that will be used to argue for Kris Jenner to take Lucifer's place after he destroys himself over creating these whore monsters.

Nicole called her early on June 12th, Kris writes. "Nicole said, "Can you get over here...? I need to talk to you. It's really important'."

Busy with her own children, Kris asked if they could put it off until the next day. But Nicole was persistent. "'That's okay, can you meet me tomorrow for lunch? I really have to talk to you about something really, really important'." Says Kris, "It would be the last time I would ever speak to Nicole."

The next morning, Kris was plunged into shock and trauma as she woke to the news that her close friend had been stabbed to death. "I instinctively knew that in some way O.J. had something to do with her death.

"I truly couldn't believe she had been so betrayed by the person who she had once loved most. That O.J. would be so destructive and selfish and jealous that he would do that to her was just mind-blowing to me. All these thoughts were running through my mind: This can't be true."

Her sadness grew even deeper as she realized that changing her schedule to meet Nicole on the eve of her murder could have saved Nicole's life. A mutual friend later told her, Kris writes, that "Nicole had been beaten up by O.J. and she had been keeping this physical proof in the form of photographs and, it would turn out, other evidence, in which she had documented seventeen years of abuse. Nicole really wanted someone close to her to know what was going on, so that somebody - namely me - could be a witness."

Kris was devastated at missing the opportunity to possibly save her. She recalls screaming, "'Oh my God! It's too late! It's too late!'...The realization that she had wanted to confide in me hit me so hard. ... And I had let her down."

This bitch's ego probably looks like the inside of a colonic machine. What's the point of saying this? Did Pimp Mama Kris even testify that she spoke to Nicole that day? Probably not. Why testify for free when you can testify in a tell-all book for a quick check?

The only way to shut this Pimp Mama Kris' mouth is to let her know that if she "saved" Nicole Brown Simpson's life, then there probably wouldn't be a murder trial, which means Robert Kardashian wouldn't be a household name, which means Kim would still be Parasite Hilton's Valtrex holder and the tattered skin on Ray-J's dick would be more relevant than her entire family. "Uh. Strike my last statement from the record" is probably the line that would fall out of Pimp Mama Kris' mouth next.

Tonya Cooley of The Real World: Chicago and a thousand editions of that Real World/Road Rules Challenge mess has thrown a lawsuit at MTV, Bunim/Murray Productions and her co-stars Kenny Santucci (left) and Evan Starkman (right) for the alleged sexual abuse she suffered while shooting a challenge in Thailand. One of those acts of sexual abuse involved the thing you used to scrub the sleep jank off of your teeth this morning. Yes, this is what happens when people stop being polite. They rape you with a damn Oral-B.

TMZ says that Tonya's lawsuit claims that while she was passed out, Kenny and Evan stole another dude's toothbrush and used it to brush her labia lips and even put it in her vagina. Tonya says that the cameras caught every bit of her getting toothbrushed in the vagina and not one member of production tried to stop them. Instead, Tonya says producers got rid of some of the evidence by replacing the toothbrush and they never told her about it.

Tonya wasn't the only girl who went through some not right shit. According to Tonya, several of the girls complained to producers about the dudes grabbing at their off-limit parts before, after and during challenges. The producers never did anything about it and even fueled the illegal fuckery by "stripping the female contestants of their bathing suits" and encouraging the dudes to "inappropriately touch female cast members' bodies, including in intimate areas."

Kenny and Evan never got into trouble for allegedly raping Tonya, but she was later kicked off for slapping the fake tan off of Veronica.

Tonya is suing for unspecified damages. Both MTV and Bunim/Murray kept their lips closed about this as of yesterday.

I have watched every Real World and every challenge and Tonya definitely comes off as a tiny hurricane of crazy who spits out lies. But Kenny and Evan are certified douche fucks of epic proportions. Kenny is a piece of smug shit whose brains are operated by AXE body spray and think he's the greatest thing to happen to women folk in the history of ever. Evan is what would happen if Mr. Potato Head ate a gamma bomb before it detonated. Bitch not only looks like a block of white cheddar cheese, but he's as smart as one to. That's not fair to say. If we put a block of cheddar cheese next to Evan and asked them to spell out their name slowly, the block of cheddar cheese would answer correctly before Evan's stupid ass did. So you don't have to choke my nipple knobs with floss to get me to say that I 100% believe that these two assholes are capable of doing fucked up shit like this.

And where was Bethasaurus when we needed her most?!

It wasn't not funny, indeed.

Meanwhile, Joe Francis just sent a basket to MTV thanking them for temporarily making him look less predator-ey. I mean, raped with a toothbrush? THE HELL? Please hold me, CT.

Some things you just can't find in a Lonely Planet travel guide. Here's one of those things: In the Zimbabwe town of Zvishavane exists the wrong stuff that when snorted or smoked causes your brain to seep out the kind of fuckery-coated hallucinations that not even Alan Ball could dream up. That is one of my only explanations for why this happened.

The Sun (of course) reports that a 28-year-old nasty ass fucker named Sunday Moyo (quick side whisper: that's a really good drag name) was arrested on Monday in Zvishavane after he was caught doing a donkey the way no bitch should do a donkey without getting permission from said donkey first. The police found Sunday performing a sex act on the donkey who was lying on the floor while tied to a tree. Earth to PETA, stop photographing F-list titties and get on this. Shit.

Sunday was charged with bestiality and the court ordered him to undergo a psychiatric evaluation. Why must his head be analyzed by mental health professionals, you ask? Well, first of all, he raped a donkey. Second of all, the power of crazy was with him in full force when he told the court the reason for why he fucked a donkey:

"Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested.

I had hired a prostitute and paid US$20 for the service at Down Town nightclub, and I don't know how she then became a donkey. I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with the donkey."

Why do I have a feeling that this same speech came out of Brenda Song's mouth when her mother asked her why she was marrying Trace Cyrus?

There was an episode from last season's Top Chef: Just Desserts where they had to make edible outfits to match a pair of high heels and the show's runner-up, Morgan Wilson, nearly internally jizzed himself inside/out over this pair of red shoes. Really. I kept waiting for him to excuse himself so he could go into the pantry and fuck his peen hole with its heel. Like he's that kind of freak. The kind of dirty freak who will om nom nom on your panties if you left them on the floor and nibble on your pit hairs while you slept. I always got that kind of vibe from him, but I didn't ever think he was a freak of the illegal kind. But his sucio ass is, apparently.

ABC News says that Morgan was hit with a felony child porn charge a couple of weeks ago after undercover investigators caught him downloading illegal shit on Limewire last year. Yes, this motherfucker was using Limewire. Here's all the lovely details from ABC News that will make your pores barf:

The 38-year-old chef, who lives in Plano, is due in court Oct. 27.

Wilson was first arrested on Dec. 7, 2010 after undercover investigators say they received several file transfers from Wilson via a peer-to-peer file-sharing service. Those files, received in Sept. 2010, allegedly contained images and videos of children, some as young as toddlers, engaged in sexual acts. Police subsequently searched Wilson’s home, where they say he signed and dated pornographic images he admitted he’d viewed. Wilson’s laptop computer and external hard drives also were confiscated. He was released on $10,000 bail following his December arrest and ordered not to use computers without supervision.

Wilson reportedly works as the executive pastry chef at the Ritz Carlton Hotel in Dallas, though his name does not appear on the hotel’s website. He also has a young son, about whom he often spoke during his Top Chef: Just Desserts “confessional” segments.

And is this nasty herp derp-looking bitch wearing a Snuggie in his mug shot? Pack up your tools and go directly to jail!

The shocking news of the day is that White Oprah is redirecting the usual actions of her pimp hand from pushing her kids onto the ho stroll to pushing at her ghostwriter to do that extra line of powdered No Doz so they can finish her memoirs before her #1 ho gets thrown into jail. The not-so-shocking news of the day is that White Oprah is trying to sell her memoirs by selling out her daughter in it. When the vodka bottle goes empty, it's every Lohan for themselves!

TMZ got a hold of the prologue from White Oprah's soon-to-be Pulitzer Prize winning autobiography (possible titles: Crackdays with Lindsay, Lindsay Ashes: I'm Dancing On Them, A Million Little Enablers and I Know Why The Coke Bird Snorts) and in it she writes all about Lindsay's sad transformation from child star to premiere mug shot model. White Oprah uses her favorite snortin' finger to point the blame at everybody but herself for ruining her daughter's life. Here's just a few excerpts from the Book According to Delusion:

"I blamed her friends, her career and her handlers for an (sic) newfound lifestyle of partying excessively. Drinking, drugging and behaving irresponsibly became Lindsay's way of daily living--and it tore me up inside."

"How could I deny my daughter the chance of a lifetime? How could I hold Lindsay back from her dream of becoming an actress? So, I listened to others and sent my daughter to Hollywood with a few pieces of luggage and a chaperone."

TMZ says that White Oprah "worked" with a ghostwriter (aka Nana Lohan) on the prologue and her rep started shopping it around to publishers two weeks ago. So far, every publisher she sent the prologue to, rolled it up and sent it back. To which, White Oprah said "THANK YOU!" since she had herself a new jumbo coke straw.

Gossip Cop threw a bucket of ice water on White Oprah as she lay passed out, face first in a barback's bin on the floor of a Long Island sports bar, and asked her about this. White Oprah opened up her whiskey orifice and said that would never write anything negative about her child. The deluded evil twat went on to say, "When and if [I do write a book] it will be all positive.”

Everything that comes out of White Oprah's mouth has as much credibility as what comes out of her asshole, so we should all believe that she's kicking coins out of her daughter when the bitch is down. That chill in your ear you just felt was Papa Joe, Joe Jackson, Billy Ray Cyrus and Pimp Mama Kris all saying "too far too far" at the same time.

On the left is a Sarah Palin-like puta who can see married dick from her vag, in the middle is an old ass fool who is no longer welcome in the galaxy and on the right is the ethereal moon goddess who hasn't been the same ever since the startheart in her chest was turned to dust by her true love.

The surface of the moon covered itself with a thin layer of tears when 81-year-old Buzz Aldrin ended his 23 year marriage to the celestial blossom he plucked from the orb of the night those many years ago. Lois Aldrin has been lost ever since and has been shuffling her precious feet against the dirt of the earth looking for a new purpose. Lois thought maybe a fire would warm her spirit, so she used her forehead to focus the sun's rays on a pile of twigs and it started a fire, but she was still cold on the inside.

Meanwhile, Lois' true love and the astronaut who brought her to earth was off landing his geezer dick on a 51-year-old marketing executive named Homewrecking Sucia Skank (government name: Michelle Sucillon). Lois gently cooed out (sounds like a lunar swan tip toeing along the craters) to Page Six about how she wants Buzz back, but Michelle is a "predator" and won't let her man go. Let's all hum out the melody to Moon River as we read Lois' sad soliloquy.

“He’s not [officially] divorced yet. It is kind of scandalous. We’ve had a great life, and I don’t blame Buzz, I blame the girl. She’s a predator, that’s my opinion.

He filed for divorce in June. The book signing where they met was in 2009, and I was there. She was kind of aggressive. But he didn’t start seeing her then. He’s been seeing her for about a year. There are women out here in Los Angeles that go after men, they go after celebrities. Women should leave married men alone.

He’s 81 and having kind of a midlife crisis in old age ... I still think Buzz is the most wonderful man in the world, and I still love him. I would hope we get back together ... but I can’t tell him what to do. I think most wives warn their husbands of predatory women ... I am a very moral person.”

That Sucia-llon tramp and gross Buzz Aldrin deserve each other and may they spend their eternity in a purgatory where a full moon never rises. Lois is too good for all of this. Buzz has chosen to go with the dark side, so Lois should return to her hometown of the moon where she is worshiped for the beautiful Asian cat crater head she truly is.

White Oprah's vodka plunger mouth has been mysteriously shut during this whole "Ali Lohan now looks like a walking Weekly World News cover" mess and I just figured it's because she doesn't issue a MAN DOWN CODE 10 ALERT unless her ATM card stops working or the delivery dude from Beefeater doesn't show up to fill the gin cooler in her bedroom...and I was right.

White Oprah, seen in the picture above as Mother Unnatural, is telling her friends that everyone can calm their hot b-holes ("Mix a little coke with the innards of a wet Sleepytime Tea bag and rub it on the hot spot real careful-like" - White Oprah giving her mostly herbal remedy of the day!), because her 17-year-old daughter hasn't plasticized her face and isn't anorexia-ing her way to model beauty.

White Oprah says Ali is just going through a growth spurt! You know, because every 17-year-old's growth spurt looks like it was watered with heroin juice and fertilized with back alley collagen that might really be gel soil. A source had this to say to Radar about what White Oprah sees through her delusion-colored eyes:

“Dina is adamant though that Ali is just going through a very big growth spurt, and there is absolutely no cause for concern. If Dina thought for one moment that Ali was suffering from an eating disorder, or feeling the pressure to be thin, she would terminate Ali's modeling contract, and get her the necessary help.

Ali is the one who has pestered her mom for years to get into the business. Dina held-off for years, but felt now the time was right for Ali to get into the business. As long as Dina isn't concerned, Lindsay isn't worried either.”

Oh, that White Oprah is such a restrained pimp. Whoring Ali out in that reality show and pushing her in front of the paparazzi any chance she gets definitely falls under the "holding off" category. White Oprah would never allow Ali to tap dance down the same tragic road as Goddess Bunny and she'd never replace her bowl of morning cereal with a bowl of mashed Leptoprin and Diet Red Bull. NEVAH! But mostly because do you know how fucking expensive Leptoprin and Diet Red Bull is?! It's Mexican Ephedra and toilet bowl cleaner all the way!

White Oprah might be a creature of evil that Lucifer looks to when he needs inspiration, but she's a frugal creature of evil that Lucifer looks to when he needs inspiration. TYVM.

Note: I cannot comment here, because I am saving all of my comments for the authorities since this vicious attack on reason and humanity is obviously e!llegal.

via The De!vil's Portal