Please Report To The Devil's Office
Remember that bright pink OctoMom butt plug that made your b-hole and uterus snap shut at the same time? Do you also remember that statue of Brit Brit birthing out a Cheetoling that made you never look at canned chicken jelly the same way again? Or the one every Brangeloonie had made into travel-sized dildo form? Or what about Suri's gold-plated shit? Well, all those works of nightmaric art came from artist Daniel Edwards and he has once again created some shit that'll make you point at the eyes on a molestation doll and scream that Daniel touched you there.
The nightmare machine in Daniel's head commanded his hands to sculpt a bronze statue of a nekkid ass nekkid Justin Bieber conjoined at the torso with a nekkid ass nekkid Selena Gomez (Lori & Reba are definitely not amused). The maple leaf over Justin's Barbie crotch represents Canada and the star over Selena's chocha represents Texas. And because staring at the horrific skid mark of a three-legged Beibez monster isn't enough to make your head swallow your eyeballs to end the madness, Daniel just had to add a Canadian goose fucking on a Texas armadillo.
While you might call this mess "NOOO!!!!," Daniel is calling it "Justin & Selena as One." It will make its debut at the New Fine Arts sex toy store in Dallas, TX sometime soon. Yes, Daniel's going to showcase this shit at a sex toy store, because you should have to show your ID and pass through a rubber curtain to see it.
The worst part is that when the robot aliens are scanning the earth after 2012 ate our civilization, they are going to find this and think these were our Gods. I hope they find Suri's gold shit instead.
If the thought of Jesse Metcalfe shaking his "bigger in Texas" tits next to the other Desperate Housewives piece in Dallas 2012 made you want to go back in time to throw yourself in front of the bullet heading for J.R. , then you might want to get in line at the time machine. Or maybe not.
Last night, TNT aired the first preview for the new Dallas, which stars Man Tits Metcalfe (as Bobby and Pam's adopted son), Josh Henderson (as J.R. and Sue Ellen's son John Ross II), Larry Hagman, Linda Gray, Patrick Duffy, Charlene Tilton, Brenda Strong, Jordana Brewster and Julie Gonzalo. The first of 10 episodes will start airing in one damn year.
It's still too early to tell if this is going to be a sloppy mess like the one Jesse Metcalfe's over-lactating nipples make in his tank top when he sneezes too hard. I only hope that the season one finale is titled: Who Plucked J.R.'s Abominable Snowman Brows?
And you can go ahead and sign my name at the bottom of the "Where in the Alexis Carrington wannabe Hell is that hot bitch Angelica Nero?!" petition you're going to send to TNT.
Or, more specifically, the White Devil. REPORTED for racism. TMZ just broke the story that some lame ass group called SwagSec who thinks they can "take back the internet" by posting rambling incoherent shit on a crackhead's website hacked into Amy Winehouse's official site today and spooged a bunch of hateful words all over the place (screengrab below), because they wanted to "take back the internet from the white devil."
I take great issue with this!! First of all, Amy may not BE CHRISSSSCHUUUN but I think It's safe to say that she's less the Lord of Darkness and more like the Baglady or Homeless Drunk of Darkness. Pretty much harmless, really. ALSO I would like to point out that she's more nicotine yellow than she is white. And finally, you can take something, but you can't take it back if it wasn't yours in the first place. The only man qualified to take back the internet is Al Gore, dumbasses.
Bernie Madoff woke up singing THIS with a little morning wood this morning for the first time since he got little MaryJane Rottencrotch to sink her lemonade stand profits in to a LIFE CHANGING INVESTMENT!!!
Lady Dipshit sold tsunami relief bracelets for $5 stating all proceeds would go to the tsunami victims when in fact $3.99 went towards the shipping and handling (aka - her duct tape tuck fund).
Ari Kresch, some legal type fucker, teamed up with Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola and filed a lawsuit against Caca and her fluffers - Fulfillment House, Bravado International Group Merchandising Services, Universal Music Group, House of Gaga Publishing and Live Nation Merchandising, questioning the legitimacy (<-- SUCK IT STONEY!) of the charity... evidently sales tax being charged on a charitable item is frowned upon and a RED FLAG!!
You know fucking what, I would have been more willing to donate to a STFU bracelet sponsored by Chyna's clit and wouldn't have given two shits where the money went...
(Chyna's clit was not available for comment)
UPDATE! Kerry Campbell, the crazy bitch mother who is turning her 8-year-old daughter into a tiny Nicole Kidman by killing her face nerves with Botox, will have to explain herself to Child Protective Services. The San Francisco Humane Agency said dozens of horrified people called them after Kerry went on Good Morning America and made no apologies for Botox-ing up her daughter's face in the name of child pageant beauty. A rep for the SF Humane Agency told The San Francisco Chronicle: "It's pretty unusual for a mom to be injecting an 8-year-old with Botox and certainly is grounds for an investigation."
The moral of the story here is, don't inject Botox into your 8-year-old daughter's face. If you are going to inject Botox into your 8-year-old daughter's face, don't go on national television to brag about it. If you are going to go on national television to brag about it, don't do yourself up like Supernanny thinking that it will make your wrong ass look like a gentle caretaker.
Get your bomb shelter ready, because the secret ingredients in a missile powerful enough to shoot through the center of the earth might be put together by the satanists in Hollywood. The Los Angeles Times has it on good authority that the Bieb has hopped on his Big Wheel and is circling around a "buddy comedy" co-starring Ashton Kutcher. The Bieb and Ashton are not bringing out their true lesbian selves in a big-screen version of Cagney & Lacey (Hollywood is not THAT smart). This buddy comedy involves holograms not of the Jem! variety.
This soon-to-be soul killing mess is titled "What Would Kenny Do?" and is about a 17-year-old who meets a hologram claiming to be his 30-something year old self. The hologram helps the Bieber weave through the ups and downs of high school.
Millions of toddlers emptied their penny jars out to buy a ticket for the Bieber's Never Say Never documentary, so Sony believes he can carry a movie. And since The Lesbeaver and Ashton both have hair that will look better on Ellen Page, producers think they are perfect together.
Bieber and Ashton already have somewhat of a working relationship after they met to discuss the possibility of the former hosting an updated version of Punk'd.
Ashton + Bieber + Holograms = Do Not Want. Type that equation into any calculator and you'll get the same answer. I mean, was a newly christened douche bottle not available to play Ashton's younger self? The image of Justin Bieber and a Hologram Ashton Kutcher bonding in a high school gym locker room is most likely what Calvin Tran saw when he uttered the classic words: "Oh here go hell come."
The block in hell reserved exclusively for pug murderers just got a Charlie Sheen nameplate bonded to the bars of one of its cells, because TMZ is saying that a wrinkly faced dog is snoring in heaven thanks to the ash-fisted alley cat troll. Charlie Sheen spewed out this Tweet earlier this morning after his ex-wife Denise Richards refused to hand over the pug that was living at a house. It's not that Denise is afraid the tiger blood in Charlie's system will take over and he'll eat the face off her pug. Denise is afraid that her pug will die of malnourishment after weeks of trying to survive on cigarette butts, shower water stuck between the tiles and old crack rock residue. This is what allegedly happened to Denise's other pug. Yeah, I'm not even done telling this story and it's already getting 5 out of 5 sad pugs:
When Denise and Charlie split up, she let him take care of her 2 pugs so that their daughters could play with them at his house during visits. The pugs were doing okay until Charlie's chandelier-murdering breakout at the Plaza hotel. Shortly after that, Denise started hearing that her pugs weren't being fed and were in a bad way. Denise rescued her dogs from Charlie, but sadly one died of malnourishment. And now Charlie wants the other pug to be the mascot of his tour bus, so he wants it back. Denise isn't going to let that happen.
Julian Sands is the only warlock in my eyes, and he wears specially made silk gloves when he pets a pug out of fear that he'll be too rough with it. And Charlie Sheen let one die a slow painful death?! If this is true, who in Satan's cunt hell does he think he is? Ina Garten?!
I could sprain my finger tips from writing all the things that should happen to Charlie Sheen, but instead I'll just say that I hope he comes back as one of Parasite Hilton's dogs in his next life.
Anderson Cooper is as pure as a newly sprouted feather on a baby angel's wings and as innocent as the first blink from a newborn kitten, so who would ever want to make fun of him? An evil bitch who makes fun of Mah Boo is the same kind of evil bitch who laughs at children when they fall on the streets. Wait. I do that. But this isn't about me! This is about the the lizard king of the suspender pile they call Larry King. If Larry King had any internal organs, they'd belong to Satan now for what he did to The Silver Fox at Donald Trump's roast the other night. Larry called Mah Boo "Mah Boonita", basically. Popeater was there:
The quip that had the audience shocked was when CNN icon Larry King made fun of his former co-worker Anderson Cooper's sexuality.
Pretending he was still hosting his now-defunct talk show, King took calls from viewers throughout the country and then tossed to Anderson, whose '360' followed his 'Live' show every night for years.
"Anderson Cooper is coming up next. Let's see what SHE'S up to," Larry said to the packed house.
A FUCKING SHE! I'll have Larry know that Mah Boo is ALL adonis and has a perfect penis sculpted from silver by Michelangelo himself (my wet dreams don't lie). I swear, this motherfucker Larry. A regular shank won't work on his demon ass. I'll have to blindfold myself and tiptoe into his lair with a blessed sword and a satchel full of unwrappable Werther's Originals. Hold my bag.
When the woman at the wrong end of John Galliano's alleged (at the time) anti-Semetic cunt rant told Europe1 that he called her a "dirty Jew face" during a bar fight of words, part of me figured that maybe the booze mixed with his evil villainess accent caused shit to be lost in translation. Maybe he called her a "purdy poo face" and her ear holes translated it differently. But nope, leave it to a camera on a cell phone to pull the wool off of a cunt. The Sun posted a video taken a week before Galliano's latest serenade to Hitler got him suspended from Dior. The video was taken at the same bar in Paris, but this time Galliano goes after two Italian girls and a dude sitting next to him. In case your ears don't want a spoon full of Mel Gibson in the morning, here's what came out of Galliano's mouth in the clip above:
"But I love Hitler. People like you would be dead. Your mothers, your forefathers, would all be fucking gassed. You're ugly.
The man who filmed this says that Galliano was sitting by himself and quickly started throwing in his own comments about their conversation. The man went on to say, "We were stunned by what Galliano was saying, but then he started making vile anti-Semitic comments. His words were disgusting. He made it clear the Italian girls weren't welcome and should go home. This was pure racism."
Galliano can liquefy that defamation suit he was planning on filing and use it as lube, because he's pretty much fucked now. There's already people screaming shit like: "But he's wasted!", "But he's high!", "Put him in rehab, force him to hug a yarmulke and everything will be alright!" Yeah, so it's totally okay that Galliano's idea of a hot night is dressing like "if Eva Braun was an Andrews Sister" to heil Hitler with his tongue out in public. And yeah, I'm sure Hitler would've invited Galliano over for Swastikatinas to gab about fashion, boys and how they can redesign the armband for the modern day Nazi. Hitler would never gas a gay.
And I've never noticed this before, but Galliano's moustache does look like an anorexic version of the Hitler stache.
By "they" I mean the flight attendants of some US airline and not her plastic surgeons. Page Six has an extremely disturbing piece today about how a group of beauty-hating flight attendants tortured international legend Faye Dunaway by refusing to upgrade her to first class and teasing her with wire hangers. May the wheels of those flight attendants' metal carts get stuck in the aisles (like Faye's brows in that picture above) every time a big ole' bitch needs to pass to pee.
A seasoned flight attendant at an unnamed airline tells Page Six that they dubbed Faye "THE BITCH" after she threw several in-flight tantrums that made hos wish they could take a page out of Steven Slater's I QUIT THIS BITCH handbook by sliding down the evacuation slide for more peaceful pastures. The flight attendant says that they got so fed up with Faye's acts of cuntery that they denied her upgrades and put fire on her hole by taunting her. Here's the dark-sided tale from the flight attendant's mouth:
Before she boarded one early-'90s flight to London's Heathrow, the stewardess claims that airline management contacted flight attendants and ground staff and told them that under no circumstances should they upgrade Dunaway. "This was the only time this ever happened in my career," she said. Sure enough, Dunaway turned up at JFK with a coach ticket to London and demanded an upgrade.
The stewardess told us, "She was a total bitch, screaming at everyone and saying, 'Don't you know who I am?' But we refused and sat her at the front of coach, where she could see there were seats free in business and first class, which made her even more furious. When we brought out the meal service, she snapped, 'I am not eating,' as if we would care."
But the attendant added that the flight crew -- taking a cue from "Mommy Dearest," in which Dunaway played a monstrous Joan Crawford who railed, "No wire hangers, ever!" -- got their revenge. "When she fell asleep, one steward said, 'I'm going to get that bitch' and grabbed a bunch of wire hangers and put them on the seat next to her. All the other passengers were snickering. When she woke up as the plane landed, she was wide-eyed with fury, and looked around [for] whom to blame but had no idea who did it. Then she got up and did yoga in the aisle to calm herself down."
Faye Dunaway has been nominated for OSCARS for her tantrums! Studio heads have paid Faye tens of millions of dollars to flare her nostrils and open the portal to hell by widening her eyes in front of the camera! And Faye gave those ungrateful bitches a taste of her theater live and in person, and this is how they reward her?! This is the kind of shit you only see on the silver screen (or at 3am on Starz when Supergirl comes on)! They should've pulled $11 out of their pocket books and stuffed it in her ass crack while she did the downward dog in middle of the aisle!