Please Report To The Devil's Office

The group of hackers for a cause called Anonymous have already made Tommy Girl's Scientolohole frown when they took on The Church of LRo a few years ago, and now they're sharpening their keystrokes and going after The Westboro Baptist Church. You know those crazy bitches headed by Fred Phelps and his daughter Shirley Phelps. They're the ones who go around screaming that God hates everything from "fags" to "Jews" to "Lady Gaga" to "America." Judging by Shirley's dire eyebrow situation, God must really hate Tweezers since that trail of brow weeds above her hate balls have only been plucked with hot fireplace tongs and weasel teeth. But I digress...

Anonymous sent WBC an open letter last night threatening that shit will get forever real if they don't extinguish the hate by shutting down their websites and promising to never protest a funeral again. The full letter is here, but I've copy and pasted a piece for your below:

Your demonstrations and your unrelenting cascade of disparaging slurs, unfounded judgments, and prejudicial innuendos, which apparently apply to every individual numbered amongst the race of Man - except for yourselves - has frequently crossed the line which separates Freedom of Speech from deliberately utilizing the same tactics and methods of intimidation and mental & emotional abuse that have been previously exploited and employed by tyrants and dictators, fascists and terrorist organizations throughout history.

ANONYMOUS cannot abide this behavior any longer. The time for us to be idle spectators in your inhumane treatment of fellow Man has reached its apex, and we shall now be moved to action. Thus, we give you a warning: Cease & desist your protest campaign in the year 2011, return to your homes in Kansas, & close your public Web sites. Should you ignore this warning, you will meet with the vicious retaliatory arm of ANONYMOUS: We will target your public Websites, and the propaganda & detestable doctrine that you promote will be eradicated; the damage incurred will be irreversible, and neither your institution nor your congregation will ever be able to fully recover. It is in your best interest to comply now, while the option to do so is still being offered, because we will not relent until you cease the conduction & promotion of all your bigoted operations & doctrines. The warning has been given. What happens from here shall be determined by you.

WBC hates EVERYTHING but attention so obviously this is fueling their hate machine. WBC, who thinks they're Kiki Dunst in Bring It On, responded to Anonymous last night with this:

One of the only ways to successfully destroy the crazy mob of hatewhores at WBC is to buy up every piece of card stock so they won't be able to make signs anymore. Without a sign in their claws, the are nothing! It's like if I suddenly found out that I'm allergic to eating coconut frosting directly out of the tub. DESTROYED. The other way to destroy those slugs (no offense to slugs, they are wonderful garden creatures) at WBC is to sprinkle them with verb salt made of IGNORE.

And it's a good thing God does not hate popcorn, because we're going to eat a lot of it when we sit in Anonymous' side of the bleachers while watching this battle go down.

UPDATE: Put down the popcorn and let's all go home. Boo.gif. Anonymous issued another press release saying they never sent out the first press release. They aren't planning to attack WBC at this time and they say they have bigger bitches to broil.

via Towleroad

The last Sex and the City movie was such a piece of shit that it should be forced to stand trial for committing crimes against humanity. Michael Patrick King and Sarah Jessica Parker already sucked whatever life was left out of those characters, wrapped 'em in old Dior dresses and threw them into sarcophaguses shaped like Manolo stilettos. But being the stable demon that she is, SJP thinks she can still do CPR on those rotting carcasses and pump more gold dust out of them.

SJP tells The Los Angeles Times that even though we're all screaming for mercy at the top of our lungs, she thinks that they've got another movie in them. From the horse's mouth to the dark place in your soul:

"I would go back. I think there's one more story to tell. I know there is. I'd definitely tell that [third] story, and I know Michael would do it right. But maybe not now. Maybe in five years, you know?"

The last SATC story didn't need to be told! It was a horrifying shit show that should've had an advisory at the beginning warning us that we should spend the next 2 hours punching ourselves in the face instead of watching that mess. The story is dead. We don't need to know about Samantha's colostomy hole sex adventures. We've overdosed on Charlotte's "rich white lady" problems. As for Carrie, if I want to watch an old bitch act like a precocious 10-year-old girl, I'll rent Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?. And lastly, ROJO CALIENTE doesn't need this!

The next chapter of Sex and the City is called The Golden Girls. We know where to find it.

Star Magazine has done it again. Last week they declared that Jennifer Aniston was planning to fill her lonely arms with an orphan baby from Mexico. And this week they have belly flopped into a pool of I CAN'T by speculating that Brangelina's Chosen Ones have Down syndrome. Their proof? They don't have any according to Jezebel. One former nanny says the twins "take longer to grasp things" than other children and Angelina Jolie flipped out when they voiced their concerns. Well, okay then. But based on the awful picture of Knox they pulled, are we sure he just didn't get drunk and do coke with Gaga in a NYC basement?

Featuring more soulless vampire models than a sacrifice at Kunty Karl Lagerfeld's dressing room, Kanye West ejaculates his version of Thriller with the help of Jay-Z, Rick Ross, Bon Iver and Nicki Minaj. This Buffy the Vampire Slayer meets Disney's Haunted Mansion meets Hostel mess has yet to be blessed with fish saliva by the hand of Lord Kanye, so get it before he stomps his feet and snatches it off YouTube.

After reading one of Kanye's Twitter rants, most of us feel like our heads just severed itself from our bodies, so it was nice of him to include that visual in his video. With that said, you might want to summon the spirit of Tangina to CLEAN YOUR HOUSE after watching this dark-sided shit.

via Rap-Up

Yeah, I'm sure some of you are reporting me to the proper authorities right now for saying that an innocent child is most likely made of defected robot parts, faulty wires and recycled shopping cart wheels because it's OBVIOUS that she feels no emotion. Go ahead and call the police! As soon as they show up to throw me into the paddy wagon, I will simply show them this picture of the little girl straight-up YAWNING in the face flaming ball of charisma that is Prince Hot Ginge. They will turn the paddy wagon around and drive it all the way to Berlin to arrest her!

And when Prince Hot Ginge tried to charm her with his "Why won't you love me" puppy dog face, she turned her back to him and hid like he's a Kardashian!!! ILLEGAL! She's obviously been watching too much South Park or something ain't right. Prince Hot Ginge can awaken the mound of charred grinch shit in my chest just by winking, and yet he's doing nothing for that girl. Even Voldemort's nostrils become heart-shaped when Prince Hot Ginge is around and homegirl could care less.

That girl is displaying a stone cold coldness I never thought existed in real life. Hmmm. Actually, now that I put it that way maybe I should apply to be her apprentice so she can show me the way.

Here's more of Prince Hot Ginge trying and failing to capture the heart of a little girl at the Heart for Children awards in Berlin this past weekend.

By now, many of you have already caught a temporary case of the dry heaves from watching the new First Lady of New York Sandra Lee work her dark-sided black magic all over a creation she dubbed THE KWANZAA CAKE! The Kwanzaa cake was not only named after the African American holiday, but it was also named after the sound your throat makes when you try to swallow a piece of that mess. But drunk ass Sandra Lee isn't the only one to blame for inflicting a frosted stomach virus on the world.

Food stylist Denise Vivaldo has slid into a confessional booth at the Huffington Post to ask for forgiveness for putting store-bought angel food cake, Corn Nuts, apple filling, popcorn, vanilla frosting and pumpkin seeds together in one recipe. Denise started her confession by saying she wrote several recipes under contract for Sandra Lee including Chanukah cake. Obviously, Denise is not under contract with Sandra anymore, because if she was she wouldn't be able to write this out loud:

I can honestly say Ms. Lee had nothing against African Americans or Jews. She just has incredibly bad food taste. She was not discriminating about who would be harmed from her culinary "creations." Think what your taste would be like if you came from carnival or circus people. Did I just offend Paris Hilton?

When the Angel Food Cake Collection came to life, Ms. Lee was converting to Judaism herself for her new husband and she seriously wanted to bring her new "cuisine" to an entire nation. Well, let's put it this way, she wanted to sell a shitload of books. And she did. She wanted fame and money. And she succeeded. I believe that's often thought of as the American dream by many, isn't it? Note to all American Dreamers: This may be a good time to take a look inward.

Denise then gets to the part about how she created culinary diarrhea which later spewed out of Sandra's mouth and finger tips:

Ms. Lee called and though we were done with the book, she needed at least ten extra angel food cakes for "fun" sugary holiday times to sell to a magazine. Just a reader's note, it wasn't Gourmet, but the magazine I designed those "adorable cakes" for is still in business.

Read it and weep.

Please ask yourself, what would you have done in my place? See how that Kwanzaa cake is looking better from my perspective? I will tell you truly, the candles were her idea.

I guess I imagined something more refined. And I know the Corn Nuts were disgusting, but she didn't. As a matter of fact, the more tasteless the recipes got the more she liked them, the faster she approved them, and I could get home and drink some medium-priced wine after our meetings. She's not a good role model for abstinence.

So there you go! Now you have another name to curse when you're sitting on the toilet with a barf bin in your lap after thinking it would be a fucking hilarious idea to make and eat the Kwanzaa Cake during Kwanzaa.

But you know, that cake might work if you throw it in the blender with an entire bottle of vodka. A Kwanzaacake-tini, if you will! I'm actually surprised that Sandrunk Lee hasn't already tried that shit.

via Eater (Thanks Michele & Bob)

The bus that hit Regina George needs to make a U-turn and come back for this mess. This is the direct-to-a-DVD-discount-bin-in-hell sequel to Means Girls creatively called Mean Girls 2. It stars Tim "A Check Is A Check And I've Got A Sick Dog I Must Care For" Meadows and Carlos' whore niece from Desperate Housewives as the head of the Plastics. She's only the lead bitch because she's had a long time to perfectly season her high school cunt skills since she's obviously been a senior there for at least 10 YEARS!

And this is God's way of telling us that 2011 is simply just a dress rehearsal for 2012. Glen Coco is going, literally.

via TDW

Now, I know that I'm not even close to being an innocent angel with a head filled with pretty thoughts and a heart made of rainbow kisses, but this evil cunt right here makes me look like a baby animal in a Mother Goose story. Making fun of a kid is one thing, but wishing dark-sided shit upon a 7-year-old girl with a degenerative brain disorder who lost her mother to the same disease?! Satan just removed his horns, dropped hit pitchfork and quit this bitch!

Hell's newest ambassador is Jennifer Lyn Petkov of Trenton, Michigan. Jennifer is accused of harassing 7-year-old Kathleen Edward, because of a dispute with her family. A member of Kathleen's family says that it all started two years ago when they threw a kid's party in front of their house with a bouncy house and games. Jennifer texted Kathleen's family asking if she could bring her own kids to the party. A response didn't come fast enough for Jennifer and she's been tormenting the family ever since.

But Jennifer took her acts of vicious cuntery to new levels of low when she posted a picture of young Kathleen's face above a set of crossbones on her Facebook page AND also added a picture of the grim reaper embracing Kathlee's mother. When MyFox News (via Videogum) asked Jennifer why she posted that shit, she responded with:

"Personal satisfaction! Because it rubs their assholes raw! Burns their assholes! Because it burns Rebecca Rose's asshole raw to make fun of her dead daughter on that page. Take it or leave it."

And a chill blew through the ninth circle of Hell as Satan's minions wrapped themselves in coats made from tortured UGGS and burrowed in their hiding places.

The amazingly named Jennifer Lynn Petkov is Downriver Trash Facebook group says that her husband apologized on the local news today after their house was egged.

When I first saw Jennifer's picture at Videogum, I thought she was Genevieve Gorder, so now every time I watch Dear Genevieve I'm going to think of this downriver trash (my new favorite phrase) cunt! I hope meth never does her good again (she totally loves meth, right?).

Below is the news story that is currently playing in purgatory's waiting room:

The video is not totally filled with Jennifer's grossness. Tana Bowling and her frosted pink lipstick proves that beauty lives on that block after all.

Oksana Grigorieva was supposed to sit down with Oprah to spill the dirty jacuzzi water on the leather ass sack of hot farts named Mel Gibson, but her lawyers put a stop to that shit since she's currently involved in a custody battle against him. But OctoSana still managed to get in an interview with People Magazine without her lawyers finding out first.

From the pieces I've read and heard about on Today this morning, the interview is sort of more of the same. She mostly talks about the night she recorded the infamous Mel-ocide tapes and says that she really thought he was going to send her to Jesus that day. Here's a few dingles from OctoSana's interview with People (via USA Today):

OctoSana on the night she thought she was going to prematurely check into heaven: On Jan. 6, she says, Gibson was at the house "frothing at the mouth, contorting his face and as she tried to leave, she alleges, he punched her twice - once in the head, once in the mouth... and pulled a gun and started waving it." One of the blows hit Lucia in the chin, Grigorieva told People. But she didn't contact police because she feared Gibson's retaliation if she went public.

OctoSana on being called a gold digger (Wait, is that a bad thing?): "I'm being bullied by a very rich man." She says she is having trouble making ends meet... but vehemently denies she is a gold digger.

OctoSana on why she forgives Mad Mel: She's very Christian and she believes in forgiveness. ... I think her thinking is I'd better make the best of this situation. He is, after all, the father of that child.

OctoSana on how Mad Mel's nickname should really be Miserable Mel: She says Gibson is "depressed" and suicidal, adding, "He would have killed himself many times if he wasn't Catholic," reported Today this morning.

I must have been past out drunk in the pews during the part in Catholic mass where the priest said that turning a gun on yourself is the quickest way to send your soul on the CROCS express train to Satanville, but turning a gun on somebody else and hitting a baby is a-o-fucking-k!

The "frothing at the mouth" shit confirms that if Cujo learned how to speak human English from Rosetta Stone: Anti-Semite Cunt Edition and never got a blow job in his life, he would be just like Mel Gibson.

Mel Gibson's biggest nightmare isn't Hello Kitty (You know, because she has no mouth to blow him with. It's Monday.), it's a recording device! Oksana Grigorieva not only kept all the secret recordings of Mel giving her that sweet sweet talk, but she also put his voicemails in a file titled "Now who's blowing who, cunt?!" And one of Mel's executioners, Radar Online, has rolled out the first of many.

In this one, Mel delivers the phrase of the day, "glum cunt," tells OctoSana that she should go fuck her ex Timothy Dalton, and even tells her to get it on with another piece while her son watches. When is Mel going to put down the phone and write for hentai porn already, because that's his true calling.

If you're sick of your carbon monoxide detector going off every time it hears Mel's voice, here's a few more touching quotes from him. It's basically the same old glum cunt shit:

“Did you get my last message about me being a bad father, and Tim (Timothy Dalton) being a great dad now? You didn’t hear that one? Well, you should go and f*ck him (Dalton), you know, you fickle cunt because I don’t care.”

“Okay. The game’s over. Let the new games begin so you can get it on with anybody else and your son can watch it. What is it? Number 45 he’s going to have to look at? Fucking good.”

“You’re a fucking fake. You’re a fucking sham. You don’t know what the fuck it means to make a man happy. You didn’t make me fucking happy., I couldn’t make you happy with the BEST I DID FOR ANYBODY, EVER! EVER. You fucking glum cunt!”

If Mel spent less time blowing his rage into the phone, and more time blowing a bong, he wouldn't be in this mess! Whoever is trying to fully legalize the good shit in California can use these tapes as a selling tool, because Mel sounds like he needs a bong shoved into both his holes.

And if there's a Hell below Hell, Mel will find it, because he just keeps digging and digging...