Please Report To The Devil's Office

The shitty raisin floating in everyone's toilet bowl has already pissed off Jewish people, African-Americans, arsonists, pigs, etc...etc.... Since Mel Gibson won't stop until every showing of one of his movies looks like a Bombshell McGee wet dream, he has allegedly dropped another slur in another one of those tapes secretly recorded by Oksana Grigorieva. In the tape, Mel yells at OctoSana about one of his Latino employees:

“I will report her to the fucking people that take fucking money from the wetbacks.”

Yes, Mel used the "wetback" word, but he's also against the deportation issue. So do the two cross each other out, or did Mel offend both the Latinos AND the immigration department? I will wait to see if my cholita cousin throws away her VHS copy of Mad Max (which she got on Columbia House, thankyouverymuch).

P.S.: When the hell are these tapes going to be released on iTunes already?!

It's Sugar Tits: The Sequel! Radar Online claims to have heard an audio tape of Mel Gibson ranting in an UGODLY way about the way Oksana Grigorieva dresses. OctoSana secretly recorded Mel's KKK-approved freakout at the end of their relationship. OctoSana submitted the tapes to the court to prove that Mel is a violent bag of anger who is capable of physically hurting her. Mel and OctoSana both have restraining orders against each other.

Here's a few of the quotes Mel allegedly launched at OctoSana during their fights. John Mayer's white supremacist dick just winked at Mel in approval:

"You're an embarrassment to me. You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault.

"How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so fucking nice."

"I am going to come and burn the fucking house down... but you will blow me first."

"Look what you did to me... look what you are... look what every part of you is... fucking fake... fucking fake. You are the most synthetic person... who the fuck are you?"

Blow me before I burn your house down? HA. The truth is, if I sucked Mel Gibson's dick, I'd want to burn myself down afterwards so he can give me the box of matches.

And if this is true then the bus driver needs to stop at the next corner, because Mel Gibson will be getting off and he won't be getting back on.

Wearing clip-on bangs over her forehead and enough black eye jizz to keep Taylor Momsen's lids covered for years, St. Angie Jo is on the cover of August's Vanity Fair. Brangeloonies have already started camping out in front of their local newsstands, but the issue isn't out until July 6th. VF is trickling out a few quotes from the interview and so far it seems that St. Angie talks mostly about her child army.

St. Angie confirms that Maddox is smarter than Megan Fox (which you thought was impossible, I know) and that Shiloh wants to dress like a boy. St. Angie describes Shiloh's look as "Montenegro style" because that's how everyone dresses over there.

MONTENEGRO STYLE = the phrase that fucking pays! I can't wait to use that one. When don't know bitches tell me that I'm dressed like I'm about to go buy something at Home Depot (aka butchilicious), I will throw up my nose, give them a haughty look and whisper, "It's Montenegro style, honey."

Here's a few more quotes (via HuffPo & USA Today) from the holy one:

St. Angie on adding more members to the child army: "We're not opposed to it. But we want to make sure we can give everybody special time. They're kids now, and can play together, but they're going to need a lot more talking in the middle of the night, like I did with my mom for hours. We want to make sure we don't build a family so big that we don't have absolutely enough time to raise them each really well."

St. Angie on all the rumors: "There's a cycle that goes through the newsstands— we're separating, I'm pregnant, we're getting married, we're separating, I'm pregnant, we're getting married. We're not against getting married. It's just like we already are. Children are clearly a commitment, a bigger commitment (than marriage). It's for life."

St. Angie cheesing all over Billy Goat Brad: "I keep telling Brad he owes me. He's had a few months off in one of the most beautiful cities in the world with the children. And he's such an artist and goes to the stone yards and the art exhibits, and loves being in such a cultural place."

St. Angie on Shiloh wanting to be a dude: "Shiloh dresses like a little dude. Shiloh, we feel, has Montenegro style. It's how people dress there. She likes tracksuits, she likes (regular) suits. She likes to dress like a boy. She wants to be a boy. So we had to cut her hair. She likes to wear boys' everything. She thinks she's one of the brothers."

St. Angie on the kids' personalities: "Mad's a real intellectual, which I can take no credit for genetically. He's great at school, great at history. He feels like he could be a writer or travel the world and learn about places and things. Zahara's got an extraordinary voice and is just so elegant and well spoken. Shiloh's hysterically funny, one of the goofiest, most playful people you'll ever meet. Knox and Viv are classic boy and girl. She's really female. And he's really a little dude."

But what about PAX! St. Angie straight up loaded the minivan at the rest stop, drove a few miles and then suddenly remembered Pax was not in the backseat. Pax was back at the rest stop crying on the curb about how she forgot about his ass! What kind of saint forgets one of her own kids? The halo over her head just tilted to the side and cracked a bit. Poor Pax. Without saying it, St. Angie basically described his whole look as Invisible Man style. DAMN HER!

Joe Jackson was left out of Michael Jackson's will, but that doesn't mean he's going to put his forked tail between his legs and slither back into the mole hole to the underworld. Nope. Joe has found another way to fill his pimp purse with coins. CNN reports that Joe Jackson has filed a wrongful death lawsuit against Michael's former doctor Dr. Conrad Murray in federal court this afternoon. Joe thinks Dr. Con is responsible for his son's death and he wants him to pay up. Joe is seeking an unspecified amount for damages. Joe is telling the media that he's only suing to get justice for his son, but I'm pretty sure his horns were crossed under his hat when he said it.

The lawsuit states that Dr. Con didn't tell the EMTs and doctors trying to revive Michael what kinds of pain killers he gave him. Dr. Con kept his lips shut about how he filled Michael with propofol earlier in the day. The suit goes on to say that if the doctors knew this information they might have been able to save Michael.

Joe isn't stopping with Dr. Con either. Joe is also throwing lawsuits at two of the clinics where Dr. Con practiced for helping him cover up Michael's death. The lawsuit states: "Defendants conduct of attempting to conceal the multi-state supply of drugs and the use of their facilities in Texas and Nevada to obtain medications was an extreme departure from the standard of care."

Expect Joe to also sue the makers of propofol, the makers of the syringes used to inject MJ, the makers of plastic, the makers of needles, the makers of veins, the Sandman (for not sprinkling natural ZZZss on Michael Jackson) and any other bitch he can think of. Seriously, Bubbles better lawyer up, because it's only a matter of time before Joe tries to snatch a banana out of his claw. The pimp always has the last cackle.

Three months before Gary Coleman's death, he went out and got a restraining order against his ex-wife Shannon Price because he knew that minion of Satan was up to some no good shit. Radar says that while Gary was in the hospital recovering from a seizure, Shannon was staying at his house without his permission. Gary seemed to think that Shannon would steal his things or cause damage to his house by chewing on the wooden banisters. The details from Radar:

The official documents were filed under John Doe VS. Jane Doe, which is why they weren't discovered until now.

Coleman says that ex-wife Shannon Price has moved back into his home against his wishes while he is hospitalized.

And contradicting the picture that Price has painted of herself as a loving ex-wife, Coleman writes that Price "has shown a tendency to damage, destroy and steal my property and I believe she will continue to do so in my absence and while she is trespassing in my home."

Coleman was granted the restraining order on February 19, 2010 but never served it on Price.

Gary's lawyer said that even though they were both abusive towards each other, they would always forgive one another and get back together. That is why Shannon was staying at his house at the time she clobbered him on the head with a mallet of his death.

I was about to scream "EXHUME THE BODY! EXHUME THE BODY" but then I remembered Gary was cremated. GLUE THE ASHES BACK TOGETHER! GLUE THE ASHES BACK TOGETHER! Seriously, there has to be some evidence to put that ginger devil in the chokey.

If only Gary got the hint that Shannon was ungodly when he watched a crucifix turn upside down after she walked by it. Or if only Gary remembered that he had seen Shannon's face years ago when he played "Bloody Mary" and her image popped up on the bathroom mirror. Yes, Gary, that's why that ginger fugmonster of evil always looked so familiar.

It looks like Joe Jackson has got himself a new protegee, because Radar is saying that Gary Coleman's wife Shannon Price is already trying to make a quick dollar over her ex-husband's death. Some hos mourn by bawling into their pillow in a darkened room for 4 days straight, and some mourn by shaking their ass on the ho stroll and licking their lips at any john who drives by. Shannon's wrong ass falls in the latter category.

A source tells Radar that Shannon already stuffed a few bills into her feeding sack for the interview she gave the day after Gary died. But Shannon isn't stopping there and she's currently shopping around a second interview for $50,000. And the source says that for the right price Shannon is willing to give a video tour of the place where she busted Gary's head. I mean, where Gary accidentally busted his head.

With everybody throwing Shannon "Bitch You Didn't? Did You?" eyes, she should be laying low in her stable. That bitch should not be tap dancing on Gary's memory with a Styrofoam change cup in her hand.

And if you thought Shannon being thisclose to selling Gary's used chonies on the side of the road was bad, TMZ is saying that someone is trying to sell pictures of Arnold Drummond after he was taken off of life support. TMZ claims to have seen some of the pictures, which show Gary with his eyes closed and hooked up to a ventilation machine. The minion of Satan selling the pics wants low five figures. Even TMZ passed on buying the pictures, so you know that shit is serious.

Now, I'm not saying that Shannon has anything to do with this (yes, I am), but let's just say that I wouldn't be surprised if the pictures were covered with bits of sugar cubes and carrots. And now that I think about it, even Joe Jackson probably thinks this crazy bitch is too much.

Lawrence Taylor, the NFL legend who competed on Dancing with the Has-Beens last year, was arrested in New York today for allegedly raping a girl. BITCH! Specifically, a 15-year-old girl. BOOM! And he might have punched her in the face too. BYE!

USA Today's The Huddle reports that Lawrence was put in handcuffs in Ramapo, N.Y after police learned that he might have raped a 15-year-old runaway at a Holiday Inn in Suffern (how appropriate). A police supervisor said, "She was a runaway since March and there was a pimp involved. She got punched in the face. We're not sure who did it."

Lawrence has been charged with third-degree rape and assault. He is currently awaiting arraignment and the cops will hold a press conference any minute now.

Lawrence was arrested back in November for hit-and-run. He's also been arrested a zillion times on drug charges. Lawrence was recently on Celebrity Intervention talking about how he has cleaned up his life and is no longer eating crack rocks for all of his meals. And we can all see how that's working out for him. O.J. Simpson better save him a warm spot.

Raping and punching a 15-year-old girl at a Holiday Inn?! We're going to need a shit load of medicine to deal with digesting that. Start with this:

Actually, that music probably made it worse.

Satan's soul-killing cackle can be heard all over NYC this morning after his evil minions tortured the city by handing out fake fliers for a fake In-N-Out that is never going to open in Manhattan. Way to fuck with my emotions animal-style. FUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!11!!!!!!

Gothamist reports that a bunch of assholian cuntoids put up signs at several empty storefronts announcing that Manhattan is about to get a piece of heaven this Summer. They even dressed up as In-N-Out employees and everything. Whores of propaganda!

A rep for In-N-Out confirms this is all just an April Fool's prank, and they have no plans to open in NYC anytime soon. The rep went on to explain, "We're a small, family-owned business out here on the West Coast. We grind all our own all beef patties and deliver them to our locations every day, so because of the logistics it's just not something we're considering."

If leaving my house before 8pm didn't make me break out into hives, I would run down there and issue a CITIZEN'S ARREST! This act of torturous fuckery has to be illegal in all states.

And stop laughing at me while holding a Double Double in your greedy claw! How would you like it if someone dangled a 9-inch dick in your face and then yanked it away?! Actually, it would probably turn you on. You sucio ass!

(Thanks, Emily. Yeah, THANKS for nothing!)

Beth Ditto on how she used to be the government cheese version of Winona Ryder:

"I have a hard time not buying or stealing. If I want something, I have to have it. But not anymore. The last time was three months ago - a dress from Marshalls. I used to steal more. I mostly stole from Goodwill. You know, 'Can't be bothered. The line's too long. Put it in your purse'."

via Paper Mag

Life & Style never ever fail me. They have topped themselves this week. Seriously, they should submit this to the Whitney Biennial.

For this week's cover story, Life & Style brought in a few "experts" (aka anybody who answered the phone when they called) to discuss why St. Angie Jo is making 3-year-old Shiloh look like your lesbian junior high school gym teacher who you ran into once at the grocery store when she was with her girlfriend. They are basically calling Shiloh "Chaz Bono Jr." because she has a Sandy Duncan haircut and wears polo shirts. Somebody give me a wall to bang my head against.

And the quotes from these experts must have been written by Christopher Guest. Just picture Jennifer Coolidge or Catherine O'Hara saying this mess and it might make it less frustrating and more hilarious (not really):

Alana Kelen, senior fashion stylist at VH1: “Shiloh is pushing the boundaries of a tomboy look and crossing over to cross-dresser territory."

Gili Rashal-Niv, celebrity stylist: "I get that times are tough but does Angie really need to have Shiloh sharing clothes with her brothers? Hopefully we won’t be seeing Maddox in one of Shiloh’s dresses any time soon.”

Glenn Stanton, director of Family Formation Studies at the conservative organization Focus on the Family: "They need help, they need guidance of what that looks like. It’s important to teach our children that gender distinction is very healthy.”

Karen Deerwester, parenting coach: “Giving preschool-age children the freedom and flexibility to experiment with how they want to be seen in the world is a wonderful gift."

So Shiloh is a cross-dressing 3-year-old because she likes to wear Bugle Boy jeans? We really need saving. I'm not even close to being a member of the delusional gang called the Brangaloonies, but I doubt St. Angie or Billy Goat Brad forced Shiloh to cut her hair. Kids wear what kids want to wear. Posh & Becks' boys are always going around in straight-up costumes and nobody is ringing the CPS alarm on them. I mean, when I was her age I wore a kangaroo costume out in public and put barrettes in my curly fro. And I turned out completely norma- Wait, that's a terrible example. Strike that from the record.