Matthew Fox

Before we get back on Matthew Fox's Dharma party van of pussy punches, I should let you know that mug shot isn't really Matthew Fox and has been around for years. I know. I wish that after Matthew allegedly right hooked a trick in the tit, he wept like a strained turtle whose head is too fat to hide in its shell during his mug shot session.

CNN says that prosecutors in Cleveland have charged Dr. Jack Shepard with assault for acting like a drunk assbag when he threw fists at a (to be read in the slurry voice of a boozed bitch with a party yard long cup in hand) PAAAAAAAARTY BUUUUUS driver when she refused to let him on. The party bus driver Heather Bormann said that Matthew punched her in the legs, but his fists eventually ended up on her chichi sacks and coochie zone. Heather turned off Matthew's punches by fisting him in the face. Matthew was detained by the police that night but quickly released. Prosecutors took pictures of the bruises that Matthew left on Heather's arms and legs. Matthew has said nothing about this so far.

Let's see. Jin was busted for DUI. Libby was busted for DUI. Ana Lucia was busted for DUI. Mr. Eko was busted for driving without a license. And now Matthew Fox. The LOST curse will never leave the island! The smoke monster, that dead polar bear, Sawyer, Hurley, Ben and the others better keep their fists in their ass cracks and act right on the PAAAAAARTY BUUUUS or this could be them! I've heard that Kate can't get even get arrested in this town, so that bitch is safe. Lucky for her.

via UsWeekly

File this under: Now this mess should've been the real ending to Lost.

Jack Sawyer (real name: Matthew Fox) is currently shooting a movie in Cleveland, Ohio, and on Saturday night he was all ready to party like he's going back to the island but not everybody was down with his plan. TMZ says that Matthew was trying to get on a private party bus even though his ass wasn't on the list. The bus driver tried to party block Matthew and refused to let him on. Heather Bormann said that Matthew must've been drinking too many of those Dharma-tinis, because he was every kind of drunk and had no idea what she was saying.

When Heather tried to get him off the bus, Matthew allegedly used his Party of Five fingers to punch her in the chichis and then followed it up with a fist to the gunt. Heather says that he kept crotch punching at her so she had to stop his fists from flying by punching him back in the jaw. Matthew fell back as he spat up blood. Heather said she did it in self-defense and to stop drunk Matthew from giving her black and blue nipples.

Matthew was handcuffed by the police but never arrested. They released him to a friend who took him back to the hotel.

Unless you're on the Chris Brown Party Bus, what kind of asshole tries to fist a vag and turns a pair of titties into punching bags? Well, I guess we're living in a world where Jack's new saying is "Live together, drunk punch pussies and titties alone."

The soon-to-be Pulitzer Prize winning The National Enquirer has struck again! They are officially the most feared bitch amongst cheating ass husbands. Joey Greco just faked stabbed himself.

In their latest issue, they say that Lost's own Dr. Jack allegedly stepped out on his wife of 18 years Margherita Ronchi with a 26-year-old titty dancer he met while filming a movie in Bend, Oregon. The stripper in question, Stefani Talbott, not only spilled the jizz to the Enquirer, but she also ran off to InTouch too. Hey, when life gives you a married celebrity, you fuck that bitch and then sell your story to anybody who waves a dollar at you. The new wall-to-wall carpet in your townhouse is not going to pay for itself.

Stefanie told the Enquirer, "Yes, I've been having an affair with Matthew Fox. We had sex together. I've kept voice mails and text messages from him."

Their romance first bloomed like a 1-day-old genital wart, when she caught Matthew's eye while she was thrusting her snatch on stage at Stars Cabaret. Stefanie told InTouch about the beautiful moment, “I was dancing onstage, and I made eye contact with him immediately. I got so excited. He asked me, ‘Why are you working in a place like this?’ I told him that I am a single mom and needed the money.”

Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard? It's like that part in West Side Story when Tony first laid eyes on Maria at the dance. But instead of snapping fingers, Stefanie's snatch made the cash register sound.

Later that night, Stefani left her 5-year-old kid with the baby sitter and met Matthew at his rented home to consummate their love. Stefani said, “He didn’t tell me to keep it a secret or anything. He didn’t even use protection. (Ed note: Pregnancy announcement in 3...2..) He didn’t seem concerned at all."

For the record, Matthew's rep denies the story and says it is made of lies.

Only dumb ass Jack would cheat on his wife and leave behind electronic evidence! Sawyer would be smart enough to hit it, quit it and forget it! Ben would immediately turn back the wheel of time. Locke would scare the stripper into secrecy by staring at her for about 10-seconds. And the Smoke Monster, well he's a snob, so he would never tap a stripper.

And since we're on the subject of Lost, can I just tell you how happy I am to see that one of Brit Brit's old swap weaves is still getting work:

(Claire pic via Videogum)