Engagements

Jennifer Hudson is engaged to Punk from "I Love New York." The girl is an Oscar winner and she's going to marry a dude who probably had a couple of sword fights with New York. I mean, the dude most likely tossed New York's salad and licked on her nuts! NO!

JHud's rep told People: "I can confirm that Jennifer got engaged to her boyfriend David on Friday night in L.A."

The two have been dating for less than a year. They have been seen together a few times, but have pretty much kept their shit on the down low. I don't blame JHud. Why the fuck would you want to be seen with one of New York's leftovers?!

JHud is either knocked up or she's extremely dickmatized. I don't care how good the dick is. He's had his tongue down New York's masculine throat! That's a deal breaker.

Seriously. Good dick is both a curse and a blessing. It will make you see the world like a beautiful fairytale wonderland, but it will also make you fuck up your life by marrying a reality show douche!

And what happened to the dude JHud was with for so long? The dude she fell in love with before "American Idol"? JHud needs to wake up from this "good dick fog" and see the light!

Owner of the most grotesque frankenbellies in the world, Tara Reid, is engaged to Julien Jarmoune. Julien is a French fashion executive for J & Company. Julien is also legally blind. That's not confirmed, but I don't have any other reason on why he would marry Tara Reid.

One of Tara's friends told The National Enquirer that the two met while Tara was doing research for her own fashion line. The friend went on to say, "Tara's really in love with this guy, and he's had an amazingly calming effect on her."

Does the "amazingly calming effect" he provides her with come in powder form? Everyone knows the way to Tara's heart is through her nose.

Tara's friend also said that Julien has been a good influence on her. "She's trying to clean up her reputation. Julien has definitely changed Tara for the better. It looks like she's finally gotten her act together. They're talking about a wedding next summer."

Wonky Tits Tara is going to make a beautiful summer bride. I'm sure she's already ordered a custom made replica of this wedding dress.

It looks like Jennifer Aniston's Second Life boyfriend finally popped the question! He asked her while they were both flying across a volcano. He told her to go pick out the prettiest Cracker Jack box ring she could find. He's the one. I know it!

Jenny Aniston wore a ring on her left knitting claw yesterday which means she's engaged and knocked up. Right? Or maybe she forgot to take off the ring after her daily afternoon fake wedding to one of her cats. "This is the way she wash our paw....wash our paw..."

Here's newly engaged Jenny going to lunch with Woody Allen at Madeo. Woody Allen?! Jen! I know your options are dwindling, but Woody fucking Allen?!

Heather Matarazzo, star of one of the greatest movies of 1995 "Welcome to the Dollhouse," is engaged to some ho named Carolyn Murphy. No, not THEE Carolyn Murphy. Although, Heather probably wishes. Heather's PR whore told E! that the couple have been together for about a year.

The PR whore went on to say that they both proposed to each other, “It was really cute. First Heather proposed to Carolyn, then Carolyn proposed to her." That's not cute. That's confusing. And why do people still propose? What's wrong with just saying, "Hey bitch, what are you doing later? Let's go ruin our lives together."

Congrats to Wiener Dog and Carolyn "not the supermodel" Murphy! For some reason I always thought Wiener Dog would end up with Steve. Dreamy Steve. Clip below:

This is the worst news of the day! Sam Talbot, the dreamboat from Top Chef 2, is engaged to some common skank! FUCK! I just want to run outside, find a turtle, tip it over and watch it shimmy. I'm so mad!

Sam proposed to his Colombian girlfriend, Paola Guerro, this past weekend. Of course, she said yes. If she said no, she would have been institutionalized.

Paola, a t-shirt designer and model, and Sam met last December in Brazil.

Sam told People, "I'm so in love it's unreal. We got engaged this weekend. She's amazing. She's stunning. She takes care of me in many ways. I'm quite lucky." Obviously, that bitch Paola drugged him! The only crazy ho who talks like that is Mimi and....well...you know.

Salma Hayek and her magnificent chichis will not be marrying French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault. The couple of 2 years issued this statement to USA Today:

"We are sad to announce the engagement of Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault has been canceled. There will be no further comment."

WHAT?! This was not the plan. Salma was supposed to stuff her melonitas into a million-dollar wedding dress and marry that rich bitch without a prenup. Prenups are for amateurs! Then she was supposed trick him into having an affair, take pictures, leak them to the press and play the "humiliated wife" role. Voila! Instant millions!

That way she can buy the Isle of Lesbos and tell the natives to stick a cooche in it. Salma, Penny Cruz and Baby Valentina would live happily ever after in their gayelle paradise.

Yes, I know she's going to get millions for having his baby, but you can never have too much money. You can never be too rich and your chichis can never be too big.

Uma Thurman is engaged to her rich bitch boyfriend Arpad "Arki" Busson. Wise move. You can never have too much money and Swiss money is even better. Don't ask me why Swiss money is better. It just is.

Uma's spokesbitch confirmed the engagement to People. A source also said that Arki dressed Uma's bony finger with an "8-plus carat center stone surrounded by 20 smaller stones." Another source told the NYDN the ring is so big that "she can't fit it through the sleeve of her coat." I think I just came.

This is Uma's second marriage. She has two kids with Ethan Hawke. Arki has two kids with Elle Macpherson. Apparently, he never married Elle, because she's been divorced and he's a strict Catholic. Uma's vagina must have the right moves.

Uma better book them a flight to Las Vegas right fucking now! Elope! She also better eat the damn prenup. Put some steak sauce on that bitch and swallow it whole.

It sounds like Kimora Lee Simmons and her hot man piece, Dijmon Honsou, need to have a little talk over stuffed crepes at IHOP. Seriously, all serious conversations should be done over stuffed crepes.

Anyway, People asked Kimo if she was engaged to her man. She said, "kind of." When asked if he gave her an engagement ring, she replied, "Well, kind of, not quite." Kind of?! Bitch, please! I'm "kind of" engaged to Prince Hot Ginge, but he doesn't know it yet. He "kind of" gave me an engagement cock ring too.

It sounds to me like Dijmon "kind of" doesn't want to be married to her ass and "kind of" bought that shit for herself! Kind of. Isn't "kind" an odd word? Kind. Yeah, it's weird.

Supermodel Adriana Lima claims she's a virgin. Yeah, me too. Adriana has dated Lenny Kravitz and Derek Jeter. I doubt those two slut bags would be down with that. Anyway, Adriana has reason to rejoice! She's finally going to get laid! Adriana's boyfriend of 9 months, basketball star Marko Jaric, asked her to be his wifey last night. And of course she said yes. Shit, I think her vagina screamed, "FUCK YES!!!"

Her spokesbitch told People, "He asked and she said yes. They are both incredibly happy and couldn't be more in love." Blah...blah!

Hopefully her wedding night will be everything she ever dreamed of! That's if Marko can find her chocha. I mean, he's a little cross-eyed. She's going to have to queef in order for him to find it.

Robert Redford has finally decided to make an honest woman out of his girlfriend of over 10 years. 10 years! 71-year-old Robert has been dating 52-year-old Sibylle Szaggars since 1996. He told a German magazine, "We are engaged and very happy with that. Sibylle is my fiancee and that says everything, doesn't it?"

She's totally knocked up, isn't she? Those sinful sluts!

My mother is not going to like this news. She might even say, "SHOOT!" or "DARN!" And if she's really mad about it, she'll say, "OH FUDGE!"

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Thanks Dawn