The "Who Cares?" News
Concrete Loop posted this video of Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West in Paris yesterday morning and they think that it's extremely ungentlemanly-like for him to not help her knocked up fame whore ass out of the car and then stand in front of the door and wait for her to open it. Um, are they forgetting that this is Kanye? I'm surprised he didn't make Kim pull her pregnant Gossamer-looking ass out of that car, run to his side and open up his door. I'm also surprised he didn't make Kim rip her red dress off and lay it on the ground for him to walk on so he won't dirty the bottoms of his precious shoes. So this is Kanye being extra, extra polite.
But really, if Jay-Z was in that car with Kanye, Kanye would've ripped that door open and carried his true love to that store and opened up the door with his mouth. And he would've serenaded Jay-Z the entire time. This is what Kim gets for not being Jay-Z.
And to answer your question, yes, I asked myself "What has become of me?" as I analyzed the door-opening manners of two fame sluts.
With everything that's going on, I'm sure the number question on your mind has been, "BUT WHERE'S ALL THE KARTRASHIAN NEWS?!" Ask and you shall receive!
TMZ says that Kim Kardashian's 10-second-long marriage to Kris Humphries is legally over and she's finally free to continue to stomp on the pile of horse bones dust that is the sanctity of marriage. Pimp Mama Kris must've agreed to give Kris Humphries his soul back if he agreed to drop the annulment shit and walk away with zero dollars, because that's what happened in court today. Kris wanted an annulment based on fraud and he wanted Kim to drop $7 million into his checking account, but he didn't get any of that. He's getting a regular divorce and Kim isn't paying him shit. Kris will also have to pay his own attorney fees.
Radar says that the divorce will be made official sometime in June.
That's that, so now you can officially go back to not giving a shit. And the ogre version of Taylor Lautner can climb back up the beanstalk, because he has failed us all. And all of us can go and unplug our TVs, because it's only a matter of time before Kim is lifting Kanye's bridal veil during their televised STUNT QUEEN wedding on E!.
Here's Kim with Scottie Pippen's wife in Beverly Hills yesterday. The black lace veil over her bump is a perfect touch, because the Kimye fetus has been mourning its future since day one.
There's usually one house in every neighborhood that celebrates Christmas times all year round and is never without lights on it. My house was that house for a while. One year, my uncle, who didn't live with us, suddenly decided that our house really needed some Christmas lights. He put them up and they never came down. You know my abuelita wasn't going to pull out a damn ladder and my mom worked all the time, so they stayed up for years. They became a part of the house. The house started to eat them. We never turned them on and they stopped working. I should've told people that they weren't Christmas lights, they were siding studs. Very on trend. I don't think our neighbors ever gave a shit. Although, one smart ass whore neighbor wished me a Merry Christmas while I was on the driveway choreographing a dance number to a Jody Watley song for my own pleasure. It was July. Anyway, our neighbors didn't seem to care, but Maria Shriver's rich ass neighbors do....
TMZ has an EXCLUSIVO video they shot on Tuesday night of Christmas lights twinkling bright in front of Maria Shriver's Brentwood house. Maria turns on the lights nightly and she's had them up since December. Maria's neighbors aren't dazzled by them and want her to take them down. But instead of knocking on Maria's door and telling it to her face, they called TMZ. TMZ is the new passive aggressive note.
Maria's neighbors don't want to hurt her feelings, so they hope their note through TMZ gets to her and she takes them down. Those neighbors need to pull the platinum stick from out their asses and get over it. Those don't even look like Christmas lights to me. That looks like some Disney park shit to me. Don't some rich people always decorate their front yard trees with light-up diamond necklaces? I'm sure Maria will take down her Christmas lights....but only so she can rearrange them into a message for all her neighbors. I'm sure we'll see the lit-up words "F ALL U TWATS" on Maria's front yard shrubs real soon. Don't mess with the Skeletor of the Kennedy family.
Speaking of things that twinkle, here's Maria's hairless twink son Patrick Schwarzenegger in Hawaii the other day.
ABC News 2 (via Buzzfed) in Nashville brings us this highly important BREAKING NEWS story about a woman who found hundreds upon hundreds of mostly unopened fan letters to Taylor Swift in a recycling dumpster. Kylee Francescan was throwing some newspapers into the recycling dumpster near her house when she noticed a mountain of glitter-covered envelopes in there. Surprisingly, the envelopes weren't stuffed with threatening letters written in cutout magazine text from all the ex-boyfriends she wrote songs about. They were fan letters from all over the world.
Kylee knows how much Taylor cares about her fans (her words, not mine), so she pulled all the letters out of the dumpster, because she wanted to find a way to get them to her. Kylee called up News 2 and asked for their help. They dropped everything to help Kylee get the letters to Taylor. The letters were all addressed to a PO Box in a strip mall in Hendersonville, TN. The owner of the strip mall told News 2 that Taylor gets boxes of fan letters all the time and a member of her management team shows up every now and again to pick up the mail. News 2 took the letters to the offices of Taylor Swift's record company. The record company didn't know why those letters were dumped like trash. Taylor's management company told News 2 that they didn't know about the letters either. They gave News 2 this statement:
"Taylor gets thousands of fan letters everyday and they are delivered to her management office. After the letters are opened and read, they are recycled. The only explanation for any letters being unopened would be that a small batch of mail that was supposed to be delivered to Taylor was accidentally put with letters headed for the recycling center. We sincerely appreciate Channel 2 bringing this to our attention, and we plan to immediately pick up the mail."
Taylor's rep went on to say that they are launching an investigation to find the trick who threw all that unopened fan mail into the dumpster. That trick will be punished. There's a special place in hell for interns who don't help Taylor Swift by opening up her fan letters before dumping them into the dumpster.
I've only sent one handwritten fan letter in my life. (The locks of my own pubic hair I send to Anderson Cooper's office on a monthly basis don't count.) When I was 6 years old, I wrote to Cyndi Lauper and I told her that she was the prettiest girl in the world and I liked her songs. I'm dumb now, but I was really dumb then, because I didn't even put an address on the envelope. I just wrote "To: Cyndi Lauper" and put the envelope on my mailbox for the postman to pick up. It never made it into the postman's bag. My sister's friend, who was the bitchiest girl on the block, got to the letter first. She opened it and wrote a response as Cyndi Lauper.
Like I said before, I was really damn dumb then, because I didn't think it was strange that I got a response from Cyndi Lauper the next day. (It might've even been the same day. I thought life like a cartoon. Everything happens in fast motion.) The fake response from fake Cyndi Lauper wasn't mean or anything. It was nice. It made me really happy and I was really excited about it until the bitchiest girl on the block killed the rainbow around me by telling me that she's the one who wrote the letter. She laughed in my 6-year-old face! That bitch. I'll never forgive her for toying with my emotions.
But you know, she got hers. I went to my mom's house a few weeks ago and saw the bitchiest girl on the block, who now lives in her childhood house, walking down the street. She had UGGs on her feet and an Aeropostale t-shirt on her body. UGGs and an Aeropostale t-shirt! That's punishment enough.
Just in case you haven't already seen this on PBS NewsHour or read about it on the front page of today's New York Times, here's Beyonce (at the 1:54 mark) quoting the most prolific philosopher of our time Sweet Brown after performing in BEYONCE: THE CONCERT (featuring the 49ers and the Ravens) on Sunday night. "Lord Jesus is a fahr" is what Basement Baby says every time she puts the blow dryer heat on high and puts it way too close to one of Beyonce's highly flammable lace fronts. Ain't nobody got time for a flaming wig.
Beyonce continued to be a wig-wearing meme-bot by quoting The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kenya Moore (aka Beyonce's twin). Beyonce said that being on the halftime stage was GONE WITH THE WIND FABULOUS! (at the 1:55 mark)
Now Beyonce just has to say "SMASH! SMASH! SMU-ASH!" and "Backin up backin up backin up" during an interview and we'll know that she doesn't work her acrylics off every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year like she says she does. We'll all know that she's always looking at shit on the Internet with the rest of us.
*Please put your michelleobamaeyeroll.gif on standby*
Kunty Karl hates Michelle Obama's bangs.
Kunty Karl's opinion on beauty and style is the only opinion on beauty and style I care about, because a soul sucker with hair like batting from JoAnn's Fabrics KNOWS beauty and style. The French TV show Le Petit Journal had the Forbidden Forest's most beautiful ghoul on to talk about Paris Fashion Week and while he was there they asked him for his thoughts on Michelle Obama's new bangs. Karl is not impressed and said that Michelle Obama now has news anchor hair. via Vanity Fair:
“I don’t understand the change of hair . . . Frankly, the fringe was a bad idea. It’s not good.” He also noted that Mrs. Obama now resembles “une speakerine de LCI,” or an anchor on the French news network LCI. Although Lagerfeld has made unpopular statements about beloved pop-culture figures in the past, the Michelle Obama–bang harangue is especially surprising considering that the designer once identified himself as “a big fan of Mrs. Obama.” Particularly, he specified, a fan of her face. “I think, [it] is magical,” he told Metro World News last February. “[Barack Obama] would not be there without her.” Remarkably, the statement was not the first time Lagerfeld marveled at the First Lady’s visage. In 2011, he told USA Today, “I like her face, the cleverness of her face. Her face is stronger than the clothes.”
QUICK! Everybody, stuff your eatin' hole with mounds of super-processed, corny syrup-filled, fat-summoning deliciousness while Michelle Obama isn't looking. She can't shove raw broccoli pieces down our throats, because she's too busy taking a Flowbee to the bangs that Kunty Karl hates.
JLo and JLo's team agreed to give People an exclusive interview, because People's the only one who asked and because they thought her cover would take a little shine away from Mimi's debut on American Idol. But Team JLo's sneaky smiles quickly turned to clenched frowns when they saw the cover. They think the picture makes JLo look like a wretched old hag with hay for hair ("In other words, dahling, her true self?" - Mimi).
JLo's team compared her to Betsey Johnson, which I guess is supposed to be a bad thing? The source tells Page Six that they all think the cover makes her look "old and haggard" and that they called up People to complain about the picture. But Benny Medina tells Page Six that Lance Armstrong must be their source, because it's all a lie. Benny said, "Look at the pictures and read the story! We worked closely with the editors of People and we are very pleased with cover photo and the results all around.”
JLo's team might think this is the worst picture of her ever taken, but I think this is the best picture of her ever taken. JLo's facial expressions usually say "SEXY! SEXY! SEXY!" or ultra bitch, so this is a softer side of her. She almost looks sweet.
She looks like a hyperactive dog who is really happy to see you. When I first saw this cover, I dropped my briefcase and patted my knees while saying, "Come here, JLo! Come here! Come give daddy a kiss! Who's the most beautiful girl in the world? You are, JLo! You are! Now come here, girl!"
I even think JLo missed the Wee-Wee Pad a little, but I don't care. How can I be mad at such an adorable girl?
The Charming Potato who broke out of his little patch, moved to Hollywood and later became Steven Soderbergh's muse, twerked a baby right into his wife's body. Channing Tatum and his wife of 3 years Jenna Dewan-Tatum tells the magazine that gave him the "Sexiest Man Alive" title that sometimes when a husband rides his wife's pony bareback-style, a baby is made. People gave us the news like this:
The actor and his wife Jenna Dewan-Tatum ”are pleased to announce that they are expecting the birth of their first child next year,” reps for the couple confirm to PEOPLE exclusively.
Some source tells UsWeekly that Carol O'Neal and Jenna were actually surprised that one of his jizz fishes headbutted its way into one of her eggs, but they're happy that they'll have a baby friend next year. Channing is going to take a year off to be with his wife and newborn.
You might be wondering why a couple who does it bareback-style is surprised about getting pregnant, but I'll have you know that they were using condoms all the time. This is how their baby was made. One night, Jenna was coming out of the shower and as she was standing there naked, she looked across the bathroom and saw Channing Tatum trying to twerk out a stubborn shit on the toilet. If you're wondering what that looks like, here you go:
BOOM! Baby. Anybody who watches Channing pump his crotch into the air live and in person, gets pregnant. Half of his fortune is spent on the child support he has to pay all the men and women who got knocked up with his baby during the filming of Magic Mike.
Here's Jenna looking pregnant at VH1 Divas last night. No, I don't know what the hell she's wearing. She's dressed like a pregnant 15-year-old at her quinceañera.
Anybody who follows comedy writer Jenny Johnson on Twitter knows that she's always throwing shit bombs at the likes of Kim Kartrashian and Chris Brown, and every now and again one of them throws shit bombs back. Yesterday afternoon, Jenny called The Difficult Brown by his official name ("worthless piece of shit") and he responded by barfing out a series of tweets that belong in a book of romantic sonnets. They are that poetic. Here's how their shit fest of words went and I put it in script form so you can perform at the PTA talent show at your kid's school:
CB: I look old as fuck! I'm only 23...
JJ: I know! Being a worthless piece of shit can really age a person.
CB: take them teeth out when u Sucking my dick HOE.
JJ: It's "HO" not "HOE" you ignorant fuck.
CB: see.. I don't even have to tell u what u already know. Thanks HO! #bushpig
CB: I should fart while ur giving me top.
JJ: Your mom must be so proud of you.
CB: mom says hello... She told me not to shart in ur mouth, wanted me to shit right on the retina,
JJ: YOU FLIRT!!! Okay. I'm done. All I got from that exchange with Chris Brown is that he wants to shit and fart on me. I have zero respect for a person who seems unapologetic for the terrible crime he committed and shows no signs of changing.
CB: Just ask Rihanna if she mad??????
JJ: Get some help. Seriously.
Aaaaand scene! Chris Brown hit the delete button on his Twitter account a few hours after this happened and soon as he finishes pouting so hard that his butt plug falls out of his ass, he'll be back. Jenny Johnson says that she's been getting death threats from Team Breezy on Twitter. But a death threat just isn't that scary when you know that an extra slow 12-year-old is tweeting it while sitting in the back of the detention trailer at school.
What I've learned from this mess of a Twitter fight is that Fist Brown is a charming romantic and a SCAT QUEEN. And Chris Brown doesn't need to shit in your eye to show you what it feels like for him to shit in your eye. Because every time I look at a picture of him, it feels like someone just dropped one on my retina.
Every grade school in the world ended classes early today so that Beliebers could go home and mourn the loss of Beliemez (or whatever the hell their couple name was). Selena Gomez tweeted this picture last night of Justin Bieber and Lil' Twist looking like the sharpest Amish lezzie couple on the playground and this picture is like stab to Selena's heart, because the photo bomber in the back is Barbara Palvin. Barbara Palvin is a 19-year-old Hungarian Victoria's Secret model who might be Justin's new piece. That cradle-wrecking tramp. And the children weep!
Hollywood Life says that Justin and Barbara hung out backstage after the Victoria's Secret show and then the next night, they apparently went to see The Lion King on Broadway together. Barbara was the one who put on her Victoria's Secret bib, let the Biebs lay his head on her shoulder and stroked his hair as he drooled and cried about Simba's dad dying. Then last night, Lil' Twist tweeted the picture above and later deleted it.
But Barbara might not be the only VS model who's in the running to be Bieber's full-time babysitter, because Page Six says that he went Angel hunting right after the VS fashion show:
According to several sources, Bieber was “asking for phone numbers from the girls” throughout taping of the show and at the party.
“He was hitting on the girls all day,” added one witness. “He was asking for their numbers.”
How nice and charitable of Leonardo DiCatchAHo to let the child flirt with his future and ex-girlfriends. It's kind of like the time my when I was 6 and my alcoholic uncle let me have a sip of his Corona. Watching the Biebs try to hit on a model is probably like watching a chihuahua hump the leg of a Great Dane. Just a tragedy. Most of those models probably just pat him on the head and gave him a lollipop.
Here's the Biebs leaving The Lion King last night and some pictures of Barbara Palvin at the VS show.