The "Who Cares?" News

I could have sworn Naomi Watts was still knocked up, but Wikipedia said she popped out baby Alexander last July. Maybe I'm confusing her with Nicole Kidman? Or Kate Winslet? All those weepy hos are the same and they are all having babies.

UsWeekly claims Naomi and her dude, Liev Schreiber, are expecting a baby. Some source said Naomi is in her second trimester. Naomi's spokeswhore said she doesn't comment on her client's personal life. Blah...blah...buy me a drink and shut up.

And no, they ain't married, but marriage is for the birds. Fuck, even birds are smart enough not to get hitched. Wait, birds don't have some kind of weird marriage ceremony, do they? I know they do in cartoons, but what about real life? Get back to me.

Vanity Fair's "Hollywood's New Wave" issue is here and it should really be called the "You Are OLD" issue, because I have no idea who 25% of these skanks are. And where in fuckity fuck is Rumer?! Mommy Demi and Daddy Bruce couldn't pull some strings to get their Tater Head in this issue? For shame!

At least I recognize the chicks on the cover. Amanda Seyfried, Emma Roberts, Blake Lively and Kristen Stewart are featured on the cover. Again, Tater Head definitely effed up by not getting her chin on the cover.

The rest of the issue includes Zoe Kravitz, The Jonas Hos, Jonah Hill and the twats from "Gossip Girl" who definitely recreated this "Friends" cast shot.

Visit Vanity Fair to read the article if you give an eff.

File this under: Yes, they are still alive! Paris Bennett, Carmen Rasmusen and Ruben Studdard from "American Idol" might not be busy making music, but they are busy doing something. In case you give a duck's penis, here's some news on these has-beens.

Paris Bennett (Season 5): The jesus-loving 19-year-old is knocked up with her first baby! Paris will pop out a girl this October and plans to name her Egypt. Egypt?! That baby is already doomed. I knew a ho named Egypt and her mommy really should have named her Cleopbitcha instead, because she was a mega cunt. Hopefully, Princess P re-thinks that name. She should name her Toulouse instead. Paris & Toulouse!

Paris' mommy confirmed the news, "This makes five generations. I'm proud of how she did it. I was 16 when I got pregnant." Her mommy said that Paris is engaged to the baby daddy, but she wouldn't say his name. It's probably Clay Gayken's. (AOL BV)

Carmen Rasumsen (Season 2): While performing in Branson, Missouri, Carmen announced to the audience that she was knocked up. Carmen said she and her husband are expecting a baby around Christmas Eve. She added, “Now we’re able to open up and talk about (God)." HUH?! Seriously, who is this bitch? I don't even remember her! And she's lying. It's really Clay Gayken's baby. (Reserve Branson)

Ruben Studdard (Season 2 winner): The Velvet Teddy Bear married Surata Zuri McCants yesterday in Birmingham, AL. Ruben was joined by 20 groomsmen. He's probably pregnant too......with Clay Gayken's baby, of course. (People)

Or maybe it's James Haven wearing a wig and a pillow? I'm not sure. InTouch Weekly has these pictures of of a still knocked up Angie in France four days ago. I know you've been up all night wondering if the chosen ones' golden feetsies have touched our mortal soil yet. Well, they are still cozy and safe in Angie's holy oven.

And we care because Angie and Brad are the most wonderfuliest, amazingiest and beautifuliest couple in the entire known universe and beyond! Don't you know?!

It has come to this. I don't know what's sadder, the paps taking pictures of wild boars near Brangelina's property or me posting the pictures. Let's go with the latter, but we already know that I'll post anything. Anything. I'm not sure why I'm so amused by this. I need to put down the bong.

Wait just a Shiloh minute! The beady eyes, shady ears and the dirty snarl.....that's not just any wild boar. It's a Brangaloonie boar! This makes so much sense. No wonder all my hate mail from Brangaloonies are entirely in CAPS and start with "Dear LOOSER." Wild boars always spell "loser" that way. Trust this.

Pete Wentz told Ryan Gaycrest that he was spending his honeymoon with Asshole in the basement. Pete was lying. They had a honeymoon. They so sneaky! They act like people give a rat's clitoris. Do rats have clits? Get back to me on that one. I'm too lazy to google.

Ass and Pete arrived in NYC last night from their Caribbean honeymoon. More like Cari-BEIN-UGLY!

And what in blue hell is Pete wearing? I didn't know Gymboree carried hoodies in size douche.

Miley Cyrus was supposed to show her face and teeth (mostly teeth) at a Disney event today in Orlando, but she won't be there. She's too busy shooting her pictorial for Playboy. 15-year-old Miley was supposed to join a bunch of other Disney whores to shoot the"Disney Channel Games," a charity competition.

The L.A. Times confirmed with Disney that she's not expected to show up, but Disney wouldn't elaborate.

Disney's the meanest pimp on the stroll. They perfume their whores with kisses when everything is fine and dandy, but they are quick to burn their asses with a hot curling iron the minute they fuck up in the smallest way.

Fuck Disney! Miley should sign with Snoop Dogg. He treats his hos with loving care.

Since Miley has to stay home today, I hope she stays away from web cams.

Actually don't wake me, just slip the pics under my pillow and give me a nice slap on the ass. You get extra points if you whisper "sweet buns" into my ear before leaving my room. Anyway (and a big anyway), Beyonce and Jay-Z filed their signed marriage license on Friday in Scarsdale, NY.

People reports that the town clerk said April 4th is listed as their wedding date. Bey and Jay still haven't confirmed to their adoring public. The license was filed more than 5 day after the wedding, but it will be processed without penalty. The town clerk claimed the penalty is usually waived. LIES! They should have rejected the license just to say they did. The town clerk should have tore up the license, stuck it in her mouth and then arrested them on the spot. I hate missed opportunities.

I guess that confirms that. BLAH!

Ok, he doesn't really get the "hot" chicks, but he gets the young ones. David Cross from Mr. Show and Arrested Development was reportedly making out with Amber Tamblyn at a movie premiere. Yeah, the chick from Joan of Arcadia. SUCIO! He's 43 and she's 23.

A witness told P6 they"were definitely together, making out and barely came up for air the whole night." I don't get when people say "they barely came up for air." Making out for a long period of time can get kind of gross. I mean, you can't really breathe, sometimes snots form and the saliva can get stale. It can become a mess. That's why you have to break it up with butt rimming. Tongue to ass then tongue to mouth. I'll stop.

Amber reminds me of this chick in high school that had an affair with one of the teachers. She was one of those girls that looked completely boring and useless on the outside, but on the inside she was a total freak with major daddy issues. The girl even got pregnant on purpose! When the teacher called the affair off, she went to the Principal and got his ass arrested. She was my idol at the time.

Pete Wentz has already denied that his douche semen knocked up Ashlee. However, Ashlee wants to keep the fun and games going. She talked about the rumors during a taping of MTV's TRL today.

Ass dodged the pregnancy question and said that if all the rumors about her were true she "would have had a baby by now." How do we know she hasn't had a baby by now? I always thought Jessica's baby girl, Daisy, sort of looked like Ashlee. Daisy has Ashlee's original nose.

All this "is she or isn't she" pregnant crap is Papa Joe's doing. He saw how much attention Beyonce was getting for her "maybe wedding," so he decided to produce his own version with lame results.

Here's Ass, Jess, Daisy and Tina Simpson at JFK yesterday. Daisy, I know you're Ass' secret love child! Bark twice if I'm right.

UPDATE: Asshole denied she was knocked up to Life & Style. They asked her if the rumors were true and she said "NO!" A source also told the magazine that Ass would never get knocked up before marriage, because her daddy is so religious. The source said, “Because she’s so religious, she’d definitely want to be married before bringing a child into the world.” Religious my ass lips! God doesn't like lip-synchers.