The "Who Cares?" News

When you've got the personality of McDonald's cow butt paste (RIP!) like Blake Lively does, you have to reach deep to pull out some interesting shit that won't' make the interviewer fall into an open-eyed coma. Blake went there during an interview with Elle Magazine and told them a million fascinating facts about herself like how many peens her vagina has sucked on and how she hopes to birth out a girl or a trans baby one day. That slight tingle in your brain is a "The More You Know" star shooting through the inside of your head:

On how her Fuck Club punch card only has four holes in it: “I’ve had four boyfriends in my whole life. I’ve never been with anyone that’s not a boyfriend. If I spend time with a man, it’s because there’s somebody that I know well who has been a friend for a while.“

On how she hopes to have a daughter or a son-to-daughter one day: “I hope to have a few girls one day. If not girls, they better be trannies. Because I have some amazing shoes and bags and stories that need to be appreciated.”

Yesterday GOOPY Paltrow said she thought Apple would be a butch lez and today Blake Lively is saying that she hopes she has a tranny. Tomorrow, Katherine Heigl is going to top all of those blonde bitches by saying, "Oh yeah, oh yeah, well I'm going to adopt a female-to-male tranny bull dyke! TOP THAT!"

Blake did use the word "trannies" and that's going to get her at least one open letter from GLADD, so that stretches this interview's 15 seconds of fame. Slow clap for you, girl.

And I know we should use this time together to figure out the four boyfriends Blake is talking about (SPOILER ALERT: Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Penn Badgleywhatever and who ever she had to fuck to get that short-term relationship contract with Leonardo DiCaprio), but instead I'm going to talk about what Elle did to her ass in these pictures. Who at Elle thought this shit looked sexy? Look at that picture above. Blake looks cold and hot at the same time. I can't really explain it, but that picture reminds me of when they pulled Baby Jessica out of the well. Baby Jessica was wet, confused, uncomfortable, scared and you didn't know whether she wanted a blanket or a fan. So I guess Elle was going for "sexy Baby Jessica." Just....WRONG.

Why did Jen An cut her hair??? I know you have been laying awake at night pondering this with the other questions of the world, such as why are we here, why does 4th meal only last until 2am, why does my family hate me?  and other such important stuff.

So, to answer this one...E!online says it's because DUN DUN DUN "her hair was thinning and starting to look fake"! Now at least you can sleep, although that silly shit like "why does my dog hate me" and "what am I supposed to do with my life" may still stick around for a minute. At least the important questions of the universe are answered.

I actually like Jen An, though I'm not sure why.  And I'm less sure about the idea that this is somehow news.  I guess we can all change our lives now though??  Okay, seriously it's just drama dressed as NEWS so keep on keeping on with your Ramen noodles and your mortgage and all that un-important jazz.  But keep it up in your pj's and house shoes, like I'm gonna do.  MAH HAIR-UH is page two, along with "I need a pedi" and "should I keep my thermostat on 75 or 76".  Sorry Jen.

Approximately six seconds after Demi Moore's marriage died and became a ghost that will jump into Whoopi Goldberg's body from time to time to haunt her, some people started asking if she's going to legally change her Twitter handle from @mrskutcher. Demi finally answered this highly important question after her followers kept hitting her with it. I appreciate Demi's Tweet, but only because she dipped it in bitch and rolled it in sarcasm before she threw it at her followers:

changing my twitter name isn't a top priority right now. sorry it bothers so many of u. should I not tweet until I do?does it really matter?
9 hours ago

Yes, it does matter, DU-MEEEE. There was a time when Demi couldn't even squeeze out a dusty queef without Tweeting about its grand exit first, so her Twitter account should be her top priority. There are some followers who stare at her handle and relive the painful memories of her and Ashton gushing at each other on Twitter. Selfish old bitch.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to register the Twitter names @primecougarpuss, @eatmykutcher and @mrsfuckthatbitchashtonkutcher, because Demi is obviously changing hers to one of those and I want to make top dollar when I sell one to her.

Soap, marital vows, eating nutrients and 99% of the colors on the color wheel are just a few of the things that confuse Brad Pitt and St. Angie Jo, and now you can add Amazon.com to that list. On a recent night down in the bowels of their chateau, Brad and Angie hunched over their desktop Gateway computer and poked at the keyboard while trying to figure out how to drag shit from their wish list to their cart and what is this doshgarnit 1-click ordering thingamajig? AMAZON.COM: How does it work?!

Angie tells USA Today (via SS) that she can survive in the real Amazon on nothing but the sweat drops of a monkey's nutsack and a few leaves, but she just can't with Amazon.com.

“I always Christmas shop early in case we have to travel somewhere. Brad and I were on Amazon.com for the first time a week ago. But we got lost. After an hour, we just shut it off. My brain is too scattered and the wires go in different directions. I’ll stick to catalogs.”

Let me sum up that entire quote for you in 3 words: BITCHES WERE STONED! Oh fucking well, I guess this year Maddox is going to get another clothing stamper from Lillian Vernon and finger beams from Oriental Trading Company.

And here's a scene from the near future of Maddox playing dubstep for Brangie:

The bland bitch battlefield is lukewarming up! ScarJo told Cosmo in their latest issue that marrying Ryan Reynolds was the best thing she's ever done in her entire life, but they barely spent time together and moving on was the right thing to do. Blah, blah, blah, burp, blah, blah, blah. But some source tells UsWeekly that ScarJo hasn't moved on and is a member of the "I Don't Want To Fuck Him, But I Don't Want Any Other Trick To Fuck Him Either" club. Apparently, ScarJo is not happy that Blake Lively is screwing on her leftovers and now she's having doubts about leaving him. The source put it like this:

"Scarlett is pissed that he's not under her spell anymore. She realized what a great catch Ryan was."

The source went on to say that Ryan would've reunited with ScarJo, but she ruined things forever when she tainted her parts with Sean Penn's prune dick.

So what to believe? The words that came out of ScarJo's mouth to a magazine or the words from a question mark to a weekly tabloid? Or do you not want to waste any of your "give a fuck" rations on this. Yeah, the third option is the winner. Don't get me wrong, I roll out of bed in the morning for a good catfight, but this is not one of those. Sucking off a snowman would be more exciting than witnessing these two fight. Watching ScarBore and Blake NotSoLively fight over Ryan Reynolds would be like watching a rutabaga and a piece of jicama fight over cauliflower. And yes, I've seen a rutabaga and a piece of jicama fight over cauliflower thanks to a few bong hits. (SPOILER ALERT: the rutabaga always wins)

It is so damn slow today that I'm dangerously close to cumming in a banana peel and calling it news. Actually, I just might, because that would probably be a tad bit more interesting (not really) than this mess from Life & Style. Their sources say that the reincarnation of Herman Munster, Kris Humphries, is planning to herp derp out a $10 million lawsuit against his fraudulent wife Kim Kuntrashian and E! for smearing his wholesome image by portraying him as a homophobic doucheknob on Kourtney & Kim Take It Up The Ass. Well, I've always looked at Kris as a gigantic block wood whose head produces slobber instead of thoughts, so now seeing him as a gigantic block of wood whose head actually produces thoughts (even homophobic ones) is almost a step up. But Kris doesn't agree and is going to sue the piss stains off of Kim as soon as he figures out how to operate a Yellow Pages and look up the number for a local "loyurr."

The source says that Kris is worried about a scene in a upcoming episode of Kourtney & Kim where he goes after Kim's best friend Jonathan Cheban. Kris pokes at Jonathan about being gay even though Jonathan is completely straight. The source went on to say, "Jonathan isn't gay, but Kris accuses him of being gay and criticizes him for it in a really homophobic way. Jonathan is really upset. Kris used the word 'gay' as an insult, to try and hurt Jonathan. He's the lowest of the low bullying someone like this."

Kris' father William Humphries, who has a PhD in OBVIOUS, believes his son was set up and that "Kris got used --100 percent used."

Meanwhile, Pimp Mama Kris has put the training she learned in White Oprah's "Voices of Many Sources" class at The Fame Whore Academy to good use by calling up UsWeekly as an "unknown tipster." The "unknown tipster" said this about how Kris treated Kim:

"He tried to control Kim by bring her down...He would say truly terrible things. One time, he said she had no talent and her fame wouldn't last. [He even called her a] fat ass.

So not only is Kris a gigantic block of wood whose head actually produces thoughts, but sometimes his head produces thoughts that are 100% correct. This fake marriage and even more fake divorce has really transformed his reputation as dumber than a dingle to this country's foremost free thinker. Move over, Megan Fox.

And yeah, all together now: JONATHAN CHEBAN DOESN'T LIKE DICK?!

Don't believe the part in The Holy Bible that says all of the tiny deities of Brangelina can naturally grow diamonds from their ear lobes. That bible story was proven as a myth the other day when St. Angie Jo took Zahara and Shiloh to get their lobes shot up with gold studs at some salon in London. Yes, just like us mere mortals, the blessed ears of the ethereal messiahs spit out lobe smegma when they go through the rite of passage known as the ear piercing infection.

This gripping tale of determination and the suffering of a child messiah comes to us from some anonymous source who tells UsWeekly that Shiloh quickly backed away from the ear piercing gun after Zahara started to scream for her godfather Jesus to save her. The source said this mess: "The eldest girl picked out some pretty 18-carat gold studs and gave them to her mom. The piercing gun was a bit too painful for her and she screamed then burst into tears. She was saying it felt like a stapler, so her little sister changed her mind about having hers done. Angelina bought them another little gift to make sure they both felt special."

That warmness you feel all around you after reading that riveting story is the same feeling Moses felt when he saw the celestial light of God radiating from the volcano. Your life is complete.

But seriously, Shiloh and Zahara are a bunch of weaklings who don't know what REAL suffering is! I didn't have the luxury of putting my lobe under the fancy piercing gun of a fancy British professional at some fancy salon in fancy London. My mom crushed my dreams by refusing to take me to Spencer's Gifts to get my "straight ear" pierced. I had to get in a hot bath, numb the lobe of my other gay ear with ice and then try to shove my abuelita's knitting needle into that shit. My dreams were crushed again when I couldn't do it and the amethyst earring I stole from my mother never made it into my lobe. That's true suffering right there.

And yes, I'm now just realizing that me wearing an amethyst stud completely defeats the whole purpose of the stupid "straight ear" thing.

Since you use all of your memory cells to keep track of how many of your morning bowel movements are banana shaped, let me refresh your brain on the recent stunt queen moves provided to you by the couple the sanitation department put together to keep the trash in one place. Back in July, Vanilla Gorilla and Kat Von D pretended they ended their engagement so whores would watch the season premiere of her reality show L.A. Ink. When the new season of L.A. Sink tanked and TLC threw it into a coffin a month later, Kat Von D and Vanilla Gorilla coincidentally announced that the power of love (and the need to keep their expenses down by sharing Valtrex prescriptions) brought them back together!

But last night, Kat Von D wrote a Facebook entry where she said that she's no longer shaving her pussy bush into the shape of a Hitler stache so Vanilla Gorilla can get an extra thrill when she sits on his face. Beware: PLUGS galore ahead:

Hey everyone!

I’m sure this will be the most "uneventful" blog I have ever written - but its purpose is simply to answer a lot of the reoccurring questions I've been getting asked lately - and I’m hoping this will answer them for you :)

I think maybe the final episode of LA Ink left things a bit confusing to some. So in a nutshell here goes:

1. I am not in any way moving to Texas. I am not opening up another tattoo shop. And I am not leaving my shop here in Los Angeles, High Voltage Tattoo.

2. I am not in a relationship. (And I apologize for all the "back and forth" if it’s caused any confusion)

3. I am in no way retiring - (what does that even mean anyway???)

4. My tattoo shop is not closing, and is open for business like always! (Same goes for my art gallery, Wonderland - next door to High Voltage Tattoo.)

5. As hard as it is to sometimes let go of the things you are so accustomed to doing, I am happy to have done LA Ink, but am even more excited about new upcoming ventures - and cant wait to eventually share more about this with you all!

That’s all. I told ya it would be uneventful… ;)

This is the point in the post where I'm supposed to write an in-depth analysis of what went wrong, but I'd rather hear about your banana-shaped bowel movements.

via People

Apparently, not every celebrity in Hollywood knows each other like that. Case in point: Shia LaDouche and Joe Jonas passed each other outside of a restaurant in West Hollywood yesterday and not one of them said a word to each other. Even if Joe didn't recognize Shia as thee Shia LaDouche, he could've at least pulled out a dollar and handed it to the raggedy walking muff ball who looks like a dirt-eating forest hobo. What a RUDE QUEEN that Joe Jonas is.

You know, I don't think it's a coincidence that this suspect scene looks exactly like you on the street when you run into the one-nighter who cried after he couldn't get his dick fuck-ready and then plugged up your toilet while taking a stage fright shit. The "don't look, didn't happen" face Joe is making gives it away. Oh, those two.

No, this is not a still of a lost scene from Splice. This is OctoMom on the cover of the always elegant Steppin' Out Magazine. In the interview with Steppin' Out, Octo continues to talk about how her vagina only opens for baby heads and she isn't interested in anything sex related. Octo was married for a while and couldn't even tell you if her husband's dick situation was curved, cut or mushroom-headed. Octo has no idea, because she barely spent time with his peen. Octo would rather get intimate with an IVF needle than with a peen and she's alright with that.

"I can tell you that I never touched him physically. It was a different type of marriage.

That's all I want to say about it. I'm the kind of person who can be with a man for years and never touch him. My mind is not wired that way. I don't need that kind of thing. People need sex, but I don't .. I have zero sexual interest.

And in the spirit of sharing more than you'd probably ever want to know. I've never even touched myself in that way. Maybe if I had touched myself things would be different. It's like a trigger food. I never tried it so I don't know what I'm missing.

I couldn't even imagine kissing something. I'll be your friend but it would take at least five years for me to even consider having sex with you."

If you're with me, then I guess your response to Octo never having an O is just....oh.

via Daily Mail