My Hero

If InTouch (via Celebitchy) is telling the truth, then Daniel Craig learned the hard way that before dropping your longtime piece for another piece, you should cancel all of your credit cards and change the locks on everything you own that has a lock. Because if your longtime piece is a disciple of Blu Cantrell's Church of Getting Even, then you'll be left with a whole lot of airline miles and an AMEX bill thicker than Skeletor's wrist thick peen. A source says that Daniel's ex-girlfriend Satsuki Mitchell did just that when she figured out that James Bond dumped her for Rachel Weisz.

The source says that Satsuki lived with Daniel while he shot Dream House with Rachel and she knew something in the milk was Rachel's pubes when he didn't come home from the set one day. The source went on to say that Satsuki "was frantically calling, texting and emailing him, but he was probably with Rachel and not answering." Satsuki didn't get revenge by going down to the set to beat on both of their asses. Satsuki got revenge by using Daniel's credit cards, which he gave her permission to use, to rack up $1 million in charges.

I would've loved to see the look on James Bond's face when he opened up his credit card bills. It was probably the same face made by the clerk at the check cashing place in the mini mall when Satsuki threw down all of Daniel's credit cards and barked at him to call in the Brink's trucks, because what he's got in his drawer is not going to cover the cash advance she's about to take out.

Rachel might have gotten a wedding ring from Daniel, but I'm sure Satsuki bought herself something better: A YACHT! A yacht that she named "Thanks To Rachel's Pussy," of course.

Supermodel Linda Evangelista will become the Patron Saint of Get That Money if a judge approves her request for $46k a month in child support from the father of her 4-year-old son Augusten.

Last month, Linda stomped into Family Court in Manhattan and scandalously (sort of) revealed that Augusten's father is François-Henri Pinault, the billionaire husband of Salma Hayek. Yesterday, Linda and her lawyer were back in court and told the judge that Francois-Henri hasn't paid one cent and she wants $552,000 a year in child support. The judge basically issued a "COME AGAIN?" when he said that if he granted that amount it would "probably be the largest support order in the history of Family Court." Linda, being the refined diamond digger that she is, then had to excuse herself because she messed up her cashmere chonies from creaming over his words.

Linda's lawyer told the judge that Francois-Henri, who is the CEO of the company that owns a bunch of fashions houses, set up a $12 million estate for his 3-year-old daughter with Salma, but her son hasn't gotten anything from him. The $46k a month will go towards a full-time nanny, vacation expenses and armed chauffeurs.

The judge immediately threw out the $7,500 a month for vacation expenses, but is going to consider the security expenses since Augusten is the child of two high-profile people.

As for the full-time nanny, Linda testified that she needs 24-hour help, because she doesn't want to be alone with her son. Linda went on to testify that she needs someone to take care of Augusten while she maintains her gorgeousness.

"On days when I do not work, I am working on my image. I have to hit the gym. I have beauty appointments. I have to work toward my next job and maintaining my image, just like an athlete. When I work, it can be a 16-hour day."

Linda is apparently worth $8 million, which is about $2 billion less than what Francois-Henri is worth.

The hens on The View were pecking at this story on the show this morning and Whoopi Goldberg said that $46k a month is ridiculous and women need to take responsibility for their actions. To which I say, BITCH, she is taking responsibility! When you open up your vagina to a billionaire and a baby comes out, it is your responsibility to get as much money out of that motherfucker as possible! This is the truth according to life.

Why should Linda raise her son when Salma Hayek's husband can pay a nanny to raise him while she gets a dolphin fetus facial mask and works out her hands so she doesn't get fat cuticles? Raising your own children is overrated and for the poors, dahling. We should all be so lucky to give birth to an ATM code.

But seriously, I think it's kind of cute that Linda addresses the nanny as a "nanny." We all know that Augusten really addresses the nanny as "mommy."

via Gothamist

According to Showbiz Spy, the lovely, petite, not-bloated-and-saggy-at-all flower known as Courtney Love has been unceremoniously plucked from the garden of Henry Allsopp (godson of Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall) while she was trying to get her roots on. The source says she moved in with him last November after they'd been slobbering on each other for about a month, but his family freaked the hell out so he Weed-Be-Gone'd that bitch.

I can't imagine why the royal family would not welcome the eternally elegant Courtney with open arms, but alas the title of Lady Love eludes her. She said that “These days I’m only interested in plutocrats,” which makes sense because you know there are SO many billionaires who would love to put a fresh daisy like Court in their lapel. You fluff up those petals and go, girl!

Don't let this darling portrait of Sean Bean from Games of Thrones and Lord of the Rings gently cradling an angelic infant completely fool you. Yes, Sean is as gentle as a blanket of liquid silk floating on a pool of fresh spring water, but fuck with his drank time and he'll quickly flip the switch to: badass. Case in point: The Daily Mail reports that Sean got stabbed in a street fight on Sunday night and turned down a visit to the hospital in favor of ordering another drink at the bar! This is the kind of man who will accidentally rip your no-no while hitting it hard from the back (it happens), stop, disinfect it with vodka, blow an air kiss at it, take a swig and keep pounding without pulling out. Priorities: Sean Bean knows his!

The Daily Mail says that it all started when Sean and his lady friend April Summers of the Playboy Playmates were smoking outside of a bar in Camden, London when the town idiot walked by and decided to tussle with the wrong one. The town idiot made a few nasty comments about April Summers and kept walking. Sean Bean is a gentlemen who will always defend his wench so he followed the moron down the street to challenge him. Nothing became of that so Sean went back inside. But when he came out a little while later for another cig, the town idiot stabbed him with a broken bottle and punched him in the face before running off.

At this point, most people would envision their mommies in the sidewalk and hug it while choking on their on tears, but not Sean! Sean went back inside, cleaned his wound up with crap from the bar's first aid kit and ordered a drink! Sean never went to the hospital

And I'm sure right after he swallowed that whiskey and stitched his cut using his own pubes, he went out into the night, searched the air with his nostrils for his attacker's scent and screamed "WINTERFELL!" before disappearing into the darkness in the name of revenge!

via The Mirror

Cross file this under: "Bristol Palin is the new Robert Goulet". You are not alone in wanting to murder your TV in the face for exposing you to Bristol Palin's dance moves on Dancing with the Has-Beens and That Teen Mom From Alaska. Steven Cowan is loading his pistol right next to you, but his ass actually went through with it! I would give him an AMERICAN HERO medal, but he killed a TV and the TV is this country's official mascot! That's worse than kicking a weeping bald eagle.

This high important news story comes to us from Wisconsin where The Chicago Tribune says 67-year-old Steven Cowan was filled with so much rage over Bristol Palin's "constipated pony" dance moves that he reached for his shotgun and shot out his TV. Steven then turned the gun on his wife who ran for the phone and called in reinforcements. The SWAT team surrounded his house and spent the next 15 LONG HOURS trying to talk him out. Doesn't Steven realize that 15 hours is longer than the amount of time Bristol has practiced her moves in TOTAL.

Steven finally shuffled out of his house on Tuesday morning and was arrested and charged with second-degree reckless endangerment and tubeslaughter in the first degree. Steven told police that he's bi-polar and said he put a bullet in his TV because he felt Bristol "was not a good dancer and that she was only on the show because of her famous mother."

Solely judging by Steven's looks, I would never take him for someone who is serious about their Dancing with the Stars. Twerking the ends of his moustache to Ma's Roadhouse? Yes. But pulling an Elvis over DWTS? Never.

And since the producers of DWTS are known stunt queens, expect Steven Cowan to be the surprise guest judge at the finale.

(Thanks to all who sent this mess in)

Finally, here's some news that will make you want to kiss Gary Busey's jumbo mouth Chiclets and let him chew on your favorite sweater. When Gary Busey isn't fluttering over California and spreading his sparkly lunatic dust, he's saving lives! I always knew that beneath all those layers of crazy were more layers of crazy and then more layers of crazy and then more layers of crazy and then a hero's heart!

TMZ says that earlier this week, Gary came upon a major car wreck in Malibu and he immediately jumped into action. Police sources say that Gary called 911 and then stopped traffic by blinding drivers with his smile. Who needs orange cones, right?

Gary even stayed with one of the injured until the ambulance pulled up. The injured man's mother says that her son is doing fine and what Gary did was "very sweet and caring." Yes, the man freaked out when he woke up and thought the jaws of life were coming at him, but other than that he's thankful for Gary's good samaritan ways!

Gary has yet to comment because admitting that he's a true hero might fuck with his reputation as the craziest crazy in Hollyweird.

When Officer Ross Gilbert pulled over a car in Ohio for illegally tinted windows, the last thing he expected to see was the driver committing a DWJ (Drive While Jacking) but that's exactly what he found. Officer Ross tells Cincinnati.com that he got an eye full of Colondra Hamilton sitting with her pants unzipped and a sex toy on her crotch. Since Colondra didn't even bother trying to hide the mobile fuck party going on in her lap, I'm going to guess that she also threw him a "Come on in, motherfucker" look when he strolled on up to her window. A bitch who bones herself while driving is ready for anything.

Colondra wasn't alone in the car, and admitted to Officer Ross that while she put her pussy to the metal (or silicone, in this case), her passenger held up a laptop with a porn playing on it so she could get a good look. Once Officer Ross finished screaming WTF on a loop in his head, he charged her with "driving with inappropriate alertness" and for having tinted windows. Oh, and Officer Ross also found a crack pipe in the car, but you probably already guessed that some type of the bad shit must have been involved in this mess.

The thing that really gets me is that this horny ho wasn't pulled over for driving all sorts of crooked. She was pulled over for having tinted windows! Bitch had one hand on the wheel, one hand on the stick shift in her snatch and one eye on the road with the other eye on a porn! This is the art of multi-tasking right here! She's like a one woman BANG BUS! I don't know whether to take notes or alert the city of London, because this is definitely going to give George Michael ideas.

First came the news of the demise of Larry King's marriage, and now People says that Mel Gibson has returned his Russian baby mama Oksana Grigorieva to the gold digging factory from which she came from! We're all getting dumped today! It's National Jessica Simpson (or Jennifer Aniston, depending on what your mood is) Day!

Mel and Oksana have only been dating for a little over a year, but apparently they broke up shortly after the birth of their 5-month-old daughter. A source says, "They just drifted apart. They’re both working hard on their careers and trying to raise a sweet baby together. They're still friends and they'll both raise Lucia together."

You know, Oksana is proving to all gold diggers in training out there that you don't have to get married to get paid. Pop out the baby, collect your check and be on your way to the next mark. Oksana's already has Mel Gibson and Timothy Dalton's pictures on her Wall of Fame, so I wonder who's next. Gird your sperm, because she's coming!

......make sure to smile a money shot smile and perk your titties up, because there's a good chance a motorist could be taking your picture! And your mother would be so upset if you were caught on camera not smiling.

The Sun says that German police want to arrest the romantic couple above for doing sexy times in the middle of a busy road in Krefeld, West Germany. One motorist said that the two bumped fupas for almost 10 minutes. A local cab driver added, "I nearly crashed my cab, it's not something you see every day in the middle of the road."

The cab driver obviously never drives by Gerard Butler's house, because this is an hourly occurrence over there.

If the police really want to find these road whores, all they need to do is check the nearest buffet or ask the local clinic if a dude with chaffed nalgas and gravel bits stuck in his asshole came in for treatment.