My Hero

For about a year now, my idol Linda Evangelista has been trying to get $46,000 a month in child support from Salma Hayek's billionaire husband Francois-Henri Pinault, because she believes her 5-year-old son Augie needs his own armed guards and a 24-hour nanny. Franny Hen (Can I call him that?), who just made hundreds of thousands of dollars in the time it took you to read that last sentence, doesn't think it takes over half a million dollars a year to raise a kid. Franny Hen's lawyers told the court that Linda is going to use most of that money on herself. Um. Today's DUH is brought to you by that statement. Of course Linda is going to dip into that money to pay for beauty treatments, but only because supervising a $16k-a-month security guard and a $7k-a-month nanny is hard on the face. We all know that Linda once said she won't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day. Well, she won't get out of bed to supervise a nanny for less than $1,500 a day. Franny Hen is kind of getting a deal.

Linda, Franny Hen and their lawyers were all back in a Manhattan courtroom yesterday to continue to scrap over Augie's child support. The Patron Saint of #getmoneybitch testified that after Franny found out she was knocked up with his kid, he tried to persuade her to have an abortion. Franny's lawyer later told USA Today that those words never came out of his client's mouth. Franny testified that Linda didn't include him in her decision to have Augie, but he told her that he would "recognize the child." Linda's lawyer told the court that she's supported Augie most of his life on her $1.8 million-a-year income, but she took a major financial hit last year when her contract with L'Oreal was not renewed. Linda's lawyers also let it be known that his daughter with Salma Hayek has a $12 million Los Angeles home in a trust just for her.

Franny's family is worth around $13 billion and his lawyers argued that Linda is just trying to "piggyback the lifestyle of Mr. Pinault."

Until Mr. Pinault agrees to pay me $46k a month in support (Let me know if you need my PayPal info, Franny!), I will be Team #getmoneybitch now and forever. His defense is that he didn't get a choice in whether or not Linda should keep their child and he doesn't think she needs $50k a month to take care of Augie. Franny should've thought about that before he humped on Linda bareback-style. Franny is also a dumb bitch for asking Linda to have an abortion. That is a classic case of wasting your breath. If I was knocked up with a billionaire's baby, I'd totally be like, "Oh yes, I'm totally going to get rid of a baby that is going to get me $50,000 a month in child support so I can hire a nanny to take care of him all the time while I'm off getting gold nuggets body wraps!"

But seriously, just like Salma Hayek's daughter, Augie deserves his own security guard, a full-time nanny and a mommy whose skin is twinkling something magical from her weekly diamond dust facials. Mr. Pinault needs to kiss Linda's freshly scrubbed ass.

Selling Quarter Pounders is the gateway drug to selling poundings for a quarter (or a little more) is what one former ho is claiming. Shelley Lynn has filed a lawsuit against McDonald's in federal court claiming that Ronald McDonald and his company of pussy merchants led her to selling her Filet O'Fish at the Chicken Ranch in Nevada. Shelley claims that if she never worked at McDonald's in 1982, she never would've met her future pimp/husband and she never would've taken up to 12 peens a night in a brothel. 12 peens in a night may sound like a dream to some of you sluts out there (it also sounds like the beginning of the recipe for pink slime), but it wasn't one for Shelley.

The NYDN says that Shelley's road to peddling poon started when Keith Handley hired her to work behind the counter at a McDonald's in Arroyo Grande, CA in 1982. Shelley claims in her lawsuit that a little while after she mixed business with pleasure by dating Keith, he convinced one of his managers to fire her for some shit she didn't do. That left Shelley vulnerable and hard up for money to pay her bills. Shelley says that Keith continued to wrap her around his finger by buying her a house in Las Vegas in 1986.

Keith then pressured Shelley to get a job as a legal hooker at the Chicken Ranch so she'd earn enough money to pay him back for the house. Shelley gave in to Keith and thanks to her 12 dicks a night average she qickly became one of the tops hos at the Chicken Ranch. Shelley eventually married Keith in 1988 but they later split.

Shelley, who also names her ex-husband's company in the lawsuit, is suing McDonald's for failing "to conduct a due diligence into the moral character of Handley when it sold franchises to him.” Shelley wants cash for lost wages, special damages, negligence punitive damages and for sex trafficking damages.

This bitch is BOLD as all hell and I'm lovin' it! Who ever connected the 5 Billion Served sign on her coochie to McDonald's is a genius. Sure, there's a few holes in her case, but I'm with her one hundred percent. Just look at Ronald McDonald. Ronald McDonald has a red fro, shoes from 6th Street, a creepy grin and a yellow-gloved pimp hand. Of course, he's in the coochie game. Poor Bridie is probably giving beak jobs in the back for a bag of McSeed.

I hope Shelley sues the white off of Ronald's face. And when she's done with that, can she please pass me her lawyer's business card. Because I worked for Disneyland one summer and there must be a way to blame them for me being a non-paid whore.

GOOPY Tweeted the picture above from the Oscars and then Steve Martin did God's work by Tweeting this:

I never thought I'd ever type this but, Steve Martin: I so would. Hell, I'd even print out Steve Martin's Tweet, roll it up and hit that.

via The Daily What (Thanks, Josie)

If InTouch (via Celebitchy) is telling the truth, then Daniel Craig learned the hard way that before dropping your longtime piece for another piece, you should cancel all of your credit cards and change the locks on everything you own that has a lock. Because if your longtime piece is a disciple of Blu Cantrell's Church of Getting Even, then you'll be left with a whole lot of airline miles and an AMEX bill thicker than Skeletor's wrist thick peen. A source says that Daniel's ex-girlfriend Satsuki Mitchell did just that when she figured out that James Bond dumped her for Rachel Weisz.

The source says that Satsuki lived with Daniel while he shot Dream House with Rachel and she knew something in the milk was Rachel's pubes when he didn't come home from the set one day. The source went on to say that Satsuki "was frantically calling, texting and emailing him, but he was probably with Rachel and not answering." Satsuki didn't get revenge by going down to the set to beat on both of their asses. Satsuki got revenge by using Daniel's credit cards, which he gave her permission to use, to rack up $1 million in charges.

I would've loved to see the look on James Bond's face when he opened up his credit card bills. It was probably the same face made by the clerk at the check cashing place in the mini mall when Satsuki threw down all of Daniel's credit cards and barked at him to call in the Brink's trucks, because what he's got in his drawer is not going to cover the cash advance she's about to take out.

Rachel might have gotten a wedding ring from Daniel, but I'm sure Satsuki bought herself something better: A YACHT! A yacht that she named "Thanks To Rachel's Pussy," of course.

Supermodel Linda Evangelista will become the Patron Saint of Get That Money if a judge approves her request for $46k a month in child support from the father of her 4-year-old son Augusten.

Last month, Linda stomped into Family Court in Manhattan and scandalously (sort of) revealed that Augusten's father is François-Henri Pinault, the billionaire husband of Salma Hayek. Yesterday, Linda and her lawyer were back in court and told the judge that Francois-Henri hasn't paid one cent and she wants $552,000 a year in child support. The judge basically issued a "COME AGAIN?" when he said that if he granted that amount it would "probably be the largest support order in the history of Family Court." Linda, being the refined diamond digger that she is, then had to excuse herself because she messed up her cashmere chonies from creaming over his words.

Linda's lawyer told the judge that Francois-Henri, who is the CEO of the company that owns a bunch of fashions houses, set up a $12 million estate for his 3-year-old daughter with Salma, but her son hasn't gotten anything from him. The $46k a month will go towards a full-time nanny, vacation expenses and armed chauffeurs.

The judge immediately threw out the $7,500 a month for vacation expenses, but is going to consider the security expenses since Augusten is the child of two high-profile people.

As for the full-time nanny, Linda testified that she needs 24-hour help, because she doesn't want to be alone with her son. Linda went on to testify that she needs someone to take care of Augusten while she maintains her gorgeousness.

"On days when I do not work, I am working on my image. I have to hit the gym. I have beauty appointments. I have to work toward my next job and maintaining my image, just like an athlete. When I work, it can be a 16-hour day."

Linda is apparently worth $8 million, which is about $2 billion less than what Francois-Henri is worth.

The hens on The View were pecking at this story on the show this morning and Whoopi Goldberg said that $46k a month is ridiculous and women need to take responsibility for their actions. To which I say, BITCH, she is taking responsibility! When you open up your vagina to a billionaire and a baby comes out, it is your responsibility to get as much money out of that motherfucker as possible! This is the truth according to life.

Why should Linda raise her son when Salma Hayek's husband can pay a nanny to raise him while she gets a dolphin fetus facial mask and works out her hands so she doesn't get fat cuticles? Raising your own children is overrated and for the poors, dahling. We should all be so lucky to give birth to an ATM code.

But seriously, I think it's kind of cute that Linda addresses the nanny as a "nanny." We all know that Augusten really addresses the nanny as "mommy."

via Gothamist

According to Showbiz Spy, the lovely, petite, not-bloated-and-saggy-at-all flower known as Courtney Love has been unceremoniously plucked from the garden of Henry Allsopp (godson of Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall) while she was trying to get her roots on. The source says she moved in with him last November after they'd been slobbering on each other for about a month, but his family freaked the hell out so he Weed-Be-Gone'd that bitch.

I can't imagine why the royal family would not welcome the eternally elegant Courtney with open arms, but alas the title of Lady Love eludes her. She said that “These days I’m only interested in plutocrats,” which makes sense because you know there are SO many billionaires who would love to put a fresh daisy like Court in their lapel. You fluff up those petals and go, girl!

Don't let this darling portrait of Sean Bean from Games of Thrones and Lord of the Rings gently cradling an angelic infant completely fool you. Yes, Sean is as gentle as a blanket of liquid silk floating on a pool of fresh spring water, but fuck with his drank time and he'll quickly flip the switch to: badass. Case in point: The Daily Mail reports that Sean got stabbed in a street fight on Sunday night and turned down a visit to the hospital in favor of ordering another drink at the bar! This is the kind of man who will accidentally rip your no-no while hitting it hard from the back (it happens), stop, disinfect it with vodka, blow an air kiss at it, take a swig and keep pounding without pulling out. Priorities: Sean Bean knows his!

The Daily Mail says that it all started when Sean and his lady friend April Summers of the Playboy Playmates were smoking outside of a bar in Camden, London when the town idiot walked by and decided to tussle with the wrong one. The town idiot made a few nasty comments about April Summers and kept walking. Sean Bean is a gentlemen who will always defend his wench so he followed the moron down the street to challenge him. Nothing became of that so Sean went back inside. But when he came out a little while later for another cig, the town idiot stabbed him with a broken bottle and punched him in the face before running off.

At this point, most people would envision their mommies in the sidewalk and hug it while choking on their on tears, but not Sean! Sean went back inside, cleaned his wound up with crap from the bar's first aid kit and ordered a drink! Sean never went to the hospital

And I'm sure right after he swallowed that whiskey and stitched his cut using his own pubes, he went out into the night, searched the air with his nostrils for his attacker's scent and screamed "WINTERFELL!" before disappearing into the darkness in the name of revenge!

via The Mirror

Cross file this under: "Bristol Palin is the new Robert Goulet". You are not alone in wanting to murder your TV in the face for exposing you to Bristol Palin's dance moves on Dancing with the Has-Beens and That Teen Mom From Alaska. Steven Cowan is loading his pistol right next to you, but his ass actually went through with it! I would give him an AMERICAN HERO medal, but he killed a TV and the TV is this country's official mascot! That's worse than kicking a weeping bald eagle.

This high important news story comes to us from Wisconsin where The Chicago Tribune says 67-year-old Steven Cowan was filled with so much rage over Bristol Palin's "constipated pony" dance moves that he reached for his shotgun and shot out his TV. Steven then turned the gun on his wife who ran for the phone and called in reinforcements. The SWAT team surrounded his house and spent the next 15 LONG HOURS trying to talk him out. Doesn't Steven realize that 15 hours is longer than the amount of time Bristol has practiced her moves in TOTAL.

Steven finally shuffled out of his house on Tuesday morning and was arrested and charged with second-degree reckless endangerment and tubeslaughter in the first degree. Steven told police that he's bi-polar and said he put a bullet in his TV because he felt Bristol "was not a good dancer and that she was only on the show because of her famous mother."

Solely judging by Steven's looks, I would never take him for someone who is serious about their Dancing with the Stars. Twerking the ends of his moustache to Ma's Roadhouse? Yes. But pulling an Elvis over DWTS? Never.

And since the producers of DWTS are known stunt queens, expect Steven Cowan to be the surprise guest judge at the finale.

(Thanks to all who sent this mess in)

Finally, here's some news that will make you want to kiss Gary Busey's jumbo mouth Chiclets and let him chew on your favorite sweater. When Gary Busey isn't fluttering over California and spreading his sparkly lunatic dust, he's saving lives! I always knew that beneath all those layers of crazy were more layers of crazy and then more layers of crazy and then more layers of crazy and then a hero's heart!

TMZ says that earlier this week, Gary came upon a major car wreck in Malibu and he immediately jumped into action. Police sources say that Gary called 911 and then stopped traffic by blinding drivers with his smile. Who needs orange cones, right?

Gary even stayed with one of the injured until the ambulance pulled up. The injured man's mother says that her son is doing fine and what Gary did was "very sweet and caring." Yes, the man freaked out when he woke up and thought the jaws of life were coming at him, but other than that he's thankful for Gary's good samaritan ways!

Gary has yet to comment because admitting that he's a true hero might fuck with his reputation as the craziest crazy in Hollyweird.