The "Who Cares?" News

The wart hogs of the world can breathe a sigh of relief tonight, because Khloe Kardashian will not be out hunting them at midnight like usual. That's because she'll be too busy barfing up the essence of holy matrimony! Khloe Kardashian is officially someone's wife! Actually, the wedding might have been just for show since they haven't worked out the prenup yet. Anychynasclitistinglingoverthis...

People confirms that Khloe Kardashian married Lamar Odom in Beverly Hills tonight after dating for about three and a half minutes. The two became husband and beast in front of 250 guests including Ryan Gaycrest, Kelly Osbourne, Kobe Bryant, Lara Spencer, Chelsea Handler, Lala Vasquez and a dozen cameras from E!. Yes, it was as intimate as Katie Couric's colon exam.

Khloe was walked down the aisle by Bruce Jenner, his old face, Kim Kardashian, Kim's fat ass and Kourtney. She wore a gown made by Vera Wang and the guests gave her an A+++ for her tuck game. Khloe's bridesmaids included her two half-sisters Kendall and Kylie who entertained the weddings guests with their pole dancing skills.

The wedding went off without a hitch. Well, there only one awkward moment. When white doves were released during the ceremony, Khloe jumped up into the air, caught one with her mouth and bit its head off. It's instinct!

Let's all stick our asses up in the air and fart one out for the newest spokescouple for marriage and true love! I'm sure they'll prove us hating bitches wrong (no they won't).

The brand new poster children for the sanctity of marriage, Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom, will make it legal this Sunday after only doing ass-to-mouth (you decide who does what) with each other for about a month. According to the NYDN, there was a small bidding war between People, UsWeekly and OK! Magazine for the exclusive pictures of the wedding.

Apparently, OK! Magazine won out and will hand over $300,000 to Khloe. Yes, 300 hundred thousand AMERICAN dollars. More like Not OK! Magazine!

If OK! paid Khloe in generic female hormone pills bought on the internet and a 3-month supply of NADS, then I'd say it was worth it. Maybe. But $300k?! Do they also get the rights to the divorce party that will be held in about six months?

OK! could have saved their dollars and published this picture of the Shrek wedding with the headline: "KHLOE and LAMAR'S FAIRYTALE WEDDING!"

Nobody would've been the wiser.....

Last month, it was reported that the punk fart princesses' marriage to Sonic the Douchehog was headed for the gutter, because he just couldn't take her being a drunken skank anymore. Well, UsWeekly says that Avril Lavigne has pink slipped (not in a sexy way either) Deryck Whibley and evicted him from their mansion in Bel Air. Queef like you care.

A source said that Avril will drop divorce papers in Deryck's lap any day now, "She dumped him and told him she was leaving him. She wants to move on. Divorce papers will be filed any day now."

29-year-old Deryck and 25-year-old Avril made it legal around 3 years ago.

I don't blame Avril. Having a pesky ring on your finger gets in the way of passing the pussay to every booze bottle and dick around town. Just replace that wedding ring with a clit ring and she's good to go!

And now I must file for divorce from the short bus anthem "SK8R Boi." Every time I see Avril's male syrupy face, that stupid ass song fucks me in the brains repeatedly....without protection.

Lil' Mama issued a statement through her favorite cashier at Western Union (because you know she doesn't have a publicist) about stage crashing Jay-Z and Alicia Keys' performance at the VMAs last night. Eye roll like you give an eff:

"I did not mean any disrespect towards Jay-Z or Alicia Keys. I admire them and look up to them as role models. 'Empire State of Mind' had my emotions running high. In that moment I came up onstage to celebrate my two icons singing about NY."

The thing is, I'm one of the only dumb bitches who actually cared and noticed this, so Lil' Mama issued this statement to let everybody know she was the fool on that stage. Most people figured either: a) Kanye West left his ego (who just happens to be a pre-op gremlin) on stage or b) Lady CaCa's hermie peen was on the loose again.

And Lil' Mama's excuse is that she was high on emotions? Is "emotions" the new street name for meth?

VIA EW.com

That giant oaf of a man Tom Brady burped out that his wife Gis Bundchen is currently housing a baby in her midlands section. Tom told ESPN (via People) that Gis will evict their baby sometime in December. This is Tom confirming the rumor from May about Gis being knocked up.

Tom said, "The women are the ones who have to do the work. We just have to be there to support them and so it'll be nice to do that." Well, be there to support them on every day but Sunday. Tom agreed to go to Lamaze classes with Gis, but told her, "No Sundays! It couldn't be harder than training camp, so I'll be prepared."

And Gis should get a lawyer to write up what her idea of "support" is, because methinks Tom's idea is very different. When Bridge Moynahan was knocked up, Tom supported her by riding Gis bareback. So, the more you know, Gis.....

Here's some pictures from last month of Gis bouncing around Boston while hiding her OMGSOHUGENORMOUS bump from the paps. It looks like she's carrying a fetus in her lips instead of in her belly area.

Christina Milian (the girl from the classic piece of cinema that is Love Don't Cost A Thing) and The Dream (yeah, I don't know either), eloped in a wedding fit for a Spears! No, really it was a wedding fit for Spears, because they got hitched at the same joint in Las Vegas Brit Brit married her first husband at.

TMZ says that they got married at The Little White Wedding Chapel at midnight on Friday. Christina really gave herself the princess bride treatment by renting a wedding dress, shoes and a veil for $200. The Dream also splurged by borrowing his tuxedo and shoes for $100. I'm sure the reception was held at the Sizzler. Expect to see this extravagant affair on My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding.

And if this isn't a shotgun wedding, I don't know what is. I just really hope they don't name their baby The Dream Jr. Or The Dreamier.

Master douchemeister Jon Grosselin says his memaw is doing fine after she busted her ass in the driveway yesterday. An ambulance was called, Granny Gosselin was taken to the hospital and Jon later Tweeted that she is going to be okay. Granny Gosselin was there visiting the child army. Kate Gosselin was not there at the time, because it was Jon's day with the kids.

Hmm...Granny Gosselin just happened to fall in the driveway? Something in the milk ain't clean. I'm thinking Jon came outside in yet another Ed Hardy t-shirt and granny couldn't take it anymore. I know that I fall on the ground every time I see Jon's DDs stuffed into a doucherag. It's his fault.

Or maybe, just maybe, Granny Gosselin was wearing one of her grandson's "totally sick awesome" (his words) Ed Hardy caps and Kate's rabid possum clawed at her thinking she was Jon. Naw, let's go with the first one.

Avril Lavigne hasn't really been in the spotlight for a while, because she's been busy scuba diving in a Jack Daniels bottle. Or maybe people just can't be bothered to lift their heads to see what she's been up to. I don't know. But I do know that Gatecrasher is saying that the rumors about her 3-year-old marriage to Deryck Whibley being in the shit hole are true. Avril and Deryck haven't been photographed together since last year and sources are saying it's because he doesn't approve of her drunken slutty ways.

This past weekend, Avril was spotted in Southampton partying with anybody with a peen. When a few paps got pictures of her with other dudes, Avril demanded that they delete that shit so there wouldn't be any evidence. Earlier in the summer, Avril was in St. Tropez without her husband and bitches were saying that she was acting like she wasn't married.

Oh, poor Deryck. Dude already looks like a bulldog's ass after getting penetrated with a taser gun, so I'm sure he looks extra grisly when he gets the sads. Deryck should definitely drop The Big D on Avril and present this evidence to the divorce judge:

That's Avril with Brandon "Greasy Bear" Davis. GUILTY!!!!!!! The judge will immediately grant the divorce and give EVERYTHING to Deryck.

Images: Wenn.com, INFDaily

Patrick Stump, the lead singer of Fall Out Boy, was busted in Beverly Hills last night, because he makes music that makes you want to angrily pluck your pubic hairs out with a pair of hot tweezers. Disturbing the peace! No, he was arrested for driving without a license.

TMZ says that Patrick paid up the $15,000 bail and was released back in the world.

The only reason I'm posting this shit is because I don't think I've ever seen Patrick without a hat on. I figured that shit was permanently stitched into his skull skin. And Patrick should be proud of himself this morning. His mug shot is a shoo-in for Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians and that's an achievement!

I watch a lot of Cops, so I feel like I've heard every excuse in the book when a junkhead is caught with the bad shit in their purse, pockets or puss. But I've never heard this one before. Khloe Kardashian tells Life & Style that a vial of White Oprah's favorite nose duster found in her purse wasn't hers and she got creative when explaining how it got there.

Khloe said, "It was in a vial at our new store, Dash Miami, and at first I didn’t even know what it was. My employee was picking up a pile of clothes that customers had tried on, and it fell out. She called me into the dressing room, and it was in a little glass vial. I was leaving the dressing room, and a lot of customers walked in. I didn’t know what to do, so I threw it in my purse. I was like, 'I’ll dispose of this in a second,' and I went to help them. Then I forgot about it."

Yes, Khloe is slapping us in the face with her limp dick and telling us it's erect. Bitch should really teach a class at the Learning Annex on Creative Lie-Telling. Khloe is supposed to be the "smart" Kardashian (fart), so if she came across a vial of coke that wasn't hers, I'm sure she would either: a) hide it in her nose, b) hide it in her pee hole, c) hide it in her a-hole or d) EAT IT.

Khloe, who is currently on probation for a DUI, said if she could do it all over again, she'd run to the bathroom and pour it down the toilet. Translation: She'd run to the bathroom and pour it down her throat.

In other Kardashian news you can lose, Kourtney's mystery baby daddy has been revealed! The daddy is her ex-boyfriend Scott who is now her boyfriend. There you go. You can release your ass cheeks and let your no-no breathe again.