The "Who Cares?" News
The pap who took these pictures of Justin Bieber running out of The Grove says he had to go Tinkle Tinkle Little Star in a major way and that's why he's doing the pinch. Well, we now know that The Bieb is potty trained. Yeah, you're welcome for that.
And I have to say that I approve of Shawty Mane's hipster baby glasses. But that's just because next to Daphne, Velma Dinkley is my favorite member of the Scooby Doo crew. Zoinks indeed!
Patricia and David Arquette showed up to the Onexone Gala in NYC last night and I guess every reporter was asking her to comment on the current status of her brother's marriage. Patricia basically told reporters that if a question about her brother starts to tingle on their tongue, they should excuses themselves, go to the bathroom, pull down their pants and try to lick on their own assholes because that's a better use of their time than asking her about family issues. This is what Patricia said (via UsWeekly):
"How are you doing? How is your kid doing? Have you ever had anything happen in your life? What’s the worst thing that you’ve ever had happen to you? Do you ever masturbate? Have you ever had an abortion? I mean, can you imagine these kind of questions? Can you imagine? Can you imagine? It’s not alright! It’s not alright!"
This is why I'm not a reporter, because I probably would've answered seriously with: Eh. Who? Not really. Witnessing this video. I'm doing it right now. Probably.
But seriously, why are these reporters asking Patricia Arquette about David Arquette when they have David Arquette in front of them. David will tell them whatever they want to know. ANYTHING. David has already told Howard Stern that he hasn't sexed his wife in months and that he cried tears the first time he stuck it in another snatch. So basically, David is wide open for you. Want to know if his shits are banana-shaped? David will answer that. Want to know if David really cried because it was the first time he had sex without getting interrupted by a call from Jennifer Aniston? David will tell you this!
Besides, reporters should be asking Patricia more important things! Like why hasn't she done a remake of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? with Alexis Arquette yet?
Fire up the "L. Ron Hubbard wedding minister" hologram, tell Suri Cruise to pull out her barley girl dress, and decorate the space car with cans, because there's going to be a great big Scientology wedding (but probably not). Bruised Peaches Geldof and her boyfriend Eli Roth recently celebrated the impossible: SIX LONG MONTHS TOGETHER. It's like celebrating an extra chunky skidmark on your favorite chonies that just can't be scrubbed out. YAY! And here we thought that this beautiful union would end as soon as the drugs evaporated from Eli's system. That trip keeps trippin'.
Peaches and Eli continued the celebrations last night by having dinner at The Ivy in London. Not only did Peaches wear a coat made from Eli's freshly plucked butt hairs, but she also wore some kind of ring on THAT FINGER. A 14k publicity whore ring whose sparkles just scream "WRITE ABOUT ME!!!!" And here I am doing it.
Now I'm not saying that Eli didn't propose to Peaches (all-you-can pump ass sex is a major selling point for marriage), but I am saying that the ring is most likely her promise to fame to keep fucking it until death (or the loss of all her Twitter followers) do them part!
SPOILER ALERT: The curling iron won! RiRi is still dying her hair with packets found in the bottom of a Happy Meal and recently added longer locks made from Ronald McDonald's pit follicles. Before performing Syracuse, NY last night, RiRi tried to curl her thirsty tomato mop (smells like over-microwaved Ragu), but the prism to Mars on her head got in the way! RiRi Twatted a picture of her injuries with a little joke:
New hair....new curling iron BURN......damn 5head always in the way
RiRi needs to stop being modest and embrace that she's hung on the head. If she had a measly 5head, she would not be the main wet dream girl of every size queen with a forehead fetish. Not today. Not ever.
Here's RiRi running around on stage last night looking like Ronald McDonald's cracked out second cousin who fucks for McFlurries under the golden arches.
If yesterday you told me I'd be posting about Iron Maiden today, I'd tell you to stick a clit in my nostril and shut up. But here I am writing about Iron Maiden. Although, this is about more than Iron Maiden, it's about booooooooze too!
Iron Maiden partied at a bar in Norway the other night and their $3275 bar tab receipt has made its way onto the internet. Who knew that Iron Maiden sucked on more slippery nipples than Gerard Butler at one of his pool parties? Not I.
So there you go, now you know what Iron Maiden drinks every night. It's also safe to say that this is exactly what Amy Wino's "happy hour for 1" receipt looks like.
Some French speakers think that RiRi's “Rebelle Fleur” neck tattoo really read "Le Dumb Ass" because they say it is grammatically incorrect. They say that in French the adjective always shows up before the noun, so her neck tattoo should say “Fleur Rebelle" instead. But according to OK! Magazine, RiRi thinks she's right and knew before she got the tattoo that bitches would jump on her ass for it.
RiRi allegedly wrote her tattoo artiste the following text message before she came into his shop to get tapped with a needle: “rebelle fleur translates to rebel flower, NOT rebelious flower, its 2 nouns so in that case fleur does not HAVE to be first! Fyi, cuz they will ask”.
All the French I know I learned from Pepe Le Pew, so I'm not the one to comment on whether RiRi's shit is right or wrong. And honestly, I'm more concerned that somewhere in the world there's a sad Emo clown with a cold head.
Here's Flower Rebellious or Rebel Flower (or WHATEVER) struttin' into a club in NYC last night after performing at MSG.
Heidi Montag divorced her original face earlier this year, and now People is reporting that she is also legally removing the misshapen dildo up her ass. Twit filed for divorce from her butt plug of 1 year and her lawyer issued this statement afterwards:
"Heidi has amended her petition for separation and today has filed a petition for dissolution of marriage from Spencer Pratt. The couple has agreed they would like their divorce to be finalized in a timely manner in an out of court settlement. Both parties are amicable with each other and over the possibility of finalizing their divorce."
I could spend a million keystrokes on saying that these two dick holes got fake married so that they could get fake divorced so that they could fake their reunion for a fake new reality show, but I'll save myself some time by simply saying what you're all thinking: WHO GIVES A FUCK.
Pulpo Paul better watch it, because I'm officially physic.
Because Maury was booked for the week, President Obama decided to open the gate and feed the crazy hens on The View this morning. Obama said that he chose to go on The View, because it's one of the shows Michelle actually watches. But I'd like to think that Obama went on The View just to fuck with Hasselcrack.
Obviously, they talked about boring political stuff...blah...blah...blah...but then they got to the highly important news that American is really concerned with. They brought up a cokeyhead and an overcooked Ewok! Obama admitted that he knows Lindsay Lohan is locked up, but he took a page out of Mimi's Lisa Frank notebook when he said he nevah heard of Snooki.
You lieeeeeee! It was just a couple of months ago when Obama brought up Snooki's name during a speech. Yes, obviously one of his speech writers threw her name in there, but even if Obama knows who Snooki is he should never admit it. Never admit to knowing what a Snooki is. Even Willy Wonka turns his head the other way when he passes Snooki in the hallway at his factory.
But seriously, I'm sure Obama and Snooki will laugh about this when he names her Secretary of Fuckery in a couple of years.
Hollywood's nightmare of living in a world without Amanda Bynes has come to an end! The thespian drought is over. A month after the star of Sydney White took her final bow, she has announced on her Twitter that she is coming out of retirement. Amanda broke up with acting last month, because she said she no longer loved it and wanted to spend her time doing more important things, namely black men.
Those of you who are key figures in the "We Want A Sequel to She's the Man Movement" don't need to spin your small metal top on the table. I just did.......and the top fell! This is real life!
It's Monday, so you're probably dropping fuck bombs in your cubicle like Mel Gibson in need a blow. So why not bump your fuck bombs with Tiger Woods' fuck bombs (put a condom on your tongue first). At Saturday's British Open, Tiger let the fuck word leap off of his tongue after he missed a putt on the 13th hole.
Tiger focused hard on getting that ball in and it failed him. Tiger tried to picture the hole as his mouth and the ball as a giant Ambien. That didn't help him focus. Tiger tried to picture the hole as a cocktail waitress' snatch and the ball as an anal bead (It's Tiger, he's kinky), but that didn't help. Tiger tried to picture the hole as Gloria Allred's mouth and the ball as a giant plug, but obviously that didn't do the trick either. When Tiger missed the shot, he muttered to himself, "Why the fuck did you do that?"
"Why the fuck did you do that?" and Tiger Woods are so perfect for each other that he should probably get that shit tattooed on his tongue.