The "Who Cares?" News

The Daily Mail thinks My Little Pony Parker finally got her witch's mole removed. Matthew Broderick probably couldn't take it anymore, so he finally chewed it off. She showed up to the MLB All-Star game at Yankees Stadium last night without her mole.

You can still see a small mark. Maybe she covered that shit up or maybe she removed it for medical reasons. What am I saying? Who really gives an eff?! Although, I will miss the mole. The mole made her look even more like Witchie Poo. Witchie Poo is a hot bitch.

And I don't know about the mole, but her prune hands look like they've been soaking in the bath for fucking years. Bitch needs some cocoa butter.

Remember Ethan Hawke? Yeah, me neither. Well, he got married to his knocked up girlfriend, Ryan Shawhughes, three weeks ago. People reports that the two twats are expecting a baby girl soon. This Ethan's second marriage.

Ryan and Ethan met while he was still married to Uma Thurman. She worked as their nanny. They claim they started dating after he divorced Uma. Uh...huh...and I don't slather apple butter on myself hoping my dog licks it off. I'M JOKING! Don't call Peta!

Hopefully, dumb bitch Ryan is smart enough not to hire a nanny for their new baby. And if her lazy ass insists on getting one, she better hire a 300lb toofless beast.

Star Magazine reports that Drew Barrymore and Justin Long have broken up. Drew's spokesbitch said, "I can confirm the split but have no other comment."

33-year-old Drew and the 30-year-old Mac Dude started dating in September 2007. For some reason, I thought they were together for years. I guess time seems to stretch out when you don't really give a fuck.

They probably broke up because even the Mac Dude couldn't get Drew the new iPhone. The new iPhone is ruining lives!!

Drew's intermission between boyfriends is never long, so she'll probably have a new dude in a couple of weeks. Any bets on who it might be? I'm going to go with Vince Vaughn. Or has she already hit that? I can never keep up with these Hollywood sluts.

I could have sworn Naomi Watts was still knocked up, but Wikipedia said she popped out baby Alexander last July. Maybe I'm confusing her with Nicole Kidman? Or Kate Winslet? All those weepy hos are the same and they are all having babies.

UsWeekly claims Naomi and her dude, Liev Schreiber, are expecting a baby. Some source said Naomi is in her second trimester. Naomi's spokeswhore said she doesn't comment on her client's personal life. Blah...blah...buy me a drink and shut up.

And no, they ain't married, but marriage is for the birds. Fuck, even birds are smart enough not to get hitched. Wait, birds don't have some kind of weird marriage ceremony, do they? I know they do in cartoons, but what about real life? Get back to me.

Vanity Fair's "Hollywood's New Wave" issue is here and it should really be called the "You Are OLD" issue, because I have no idea who 25% of these skanks are. And where in fuckity fuck is Rumer?! Mommy Demi and Daddy Bruce couldn't pull some strings to get their Tater Head in this issue? For shame!

At least I recognize the chicks on the cover. Amanda Seyfried, Emma Roberts, Blake Lively and Kristen Stewart are featured on the cover. Again, Tater Head definitely effed up by not getting her chin on the cover.

The rest of the issue includes Zoe Kravitz, The Jonas Hos, Jonah Hill and the twats from "Gossip Girl" who definitely recreated this "Friends" cast shot.

Visit Vanity Fair to read the article if you give an eff.

File this under: Yes, they are still alive! Paris Bennett, Carmen Rasmusen and Ruben Studdard from "American Idol" might not be busy making music, but they are busy doing something. In case you give a duck's penis, here's some news on these has-beens.

Paris Bennett (Season 5): The jesus-loving 19-year-old is knocked up with her first baby! Paris will pop out a girl this October and plans to name her Egypt. Egypt?! That baby is already doomed. I knew a ho named Egypt and her mommy really should have named her Cleopbitcha instead, because she was a mega cunt. Hopefully, Princess P re-thinks that name. She should name her Toulouse instead. Paris & Toulouse!

Paris' mommy confirmed the news, "This makes five generations. I'm proud of how she did it. I was 16 when I got pregnant." Her mommy said that Paris is engaged to the baby daddy, but she wouldn't say his name. It's probably Clay Gayken's. (AOL BV)

Carmen Rasumsen (Season 2): While performing in Branson, Missouri, Carmen announced to the audience that she was knocked up. Carmen said she and her husband are expecting a baby around Christmas Eve. She added, “Now we’re able to open up and talk about (God)." HUH?! Seriously, who is this bitch? I don't even remember her! And she's lying. It's really Clay Gayken's baby. (Reserve Branson)

Ruben Studdard (Season 2 winner): The Velvet Teddy Bear married Surata Zuri McCants yesterday in Birmingham, AL. Ruben was joined by 20 groomsmen. He's probably pregnant too......with Clay Gayken's baby, of course. (People)

Or maybe it's James Haven wearing a wig and a pillow? I'm not sure. InTouch Weekly has these pictures of of a still knocked up Angie in France four days ago. I know you've been up all night wondering if the chosen ones' golden feetsies have touched our mortal soil yet. Well, they are still cozy and safe in Angie's holy oven.

And we care because Angie and Brad are the most wonderfuliest, amazingiest and beautifuliest couple in the entire known universe and beyond! Don't you know?!

It has come to this. I don't know what's sadder, the paps taking pictures of wild boars near Brangelina's property or me posting the pictures. Let's go with the latter, but we already know that I'll post anything. Anything. I'm not sure why I'm so amused by this. I need to put down the bong.

Wait just a Shiloh minute! The beady eyes, shady ears and the dirty snarl.....that's not just any wild boar. It's a Brangaloonie boar! This makes so much sense. No wonder all my hate mail from Brangaloonies are entirely in CAPS and start with "Dear LOOSER." Wild boars always spell "loser" that way. Trust this.

Pete Wentz told Ryan Gaycrest that he was spending his honeymoon with Asshole in the basement. Pete was lying. They had a honeymoon. They so sneaky! They act like people give a rat's clitoris. Do rats have clits? Get back to me on that one. I'm too lazy to google.

Ass and Pete arrived in NYC last night from their Caribbean honeymoon. More like Cari-BEIN-UGLY!

And what in blue hell is Pete wearing? I didn't know Gymboree carried hoodies in size douche.

Miley Cyrus was supposed to show her face and teeth (mostly teeth) at a Disney event today in Orlando, but she won't be there. She's too busy shooting her pictorial for Playboy. 15-year-old Miley was supposed to join a bunch of other Disney whores to shoot the"Disney Channel Games," a charity competition.

The L.A. Times confirmed with Disney that she's not expected to show up, but Disney wouldn't elaborate.

Disney's the meanest pimp on the stroll. They perfume their whores with kisses when everything is fine and dandy, but they are quick to burn their asses with a hot curling iron the minute they fuck up in the smallest way.

Fuck Disney! Miley should sign with Snoop Dogg. He treats his hos with loving care.

Since Miley has to stay home today, I hope she stays away from web cams.