The "Who Cares?" News

Actually don't wake me, just slip the pics under my pillow and give me a nice slap on the ass. You get extra points if you whisper "sweet buns" into my ear before leaving my room. Anyway (and a big anyway), Beyonce and Jay-Z filed their signed marriage license on Friday in Scarsdale, NY.

People reports that the town clerk said April 4th is listed as their wedding date. Bey and Jay still haven't confirmed to their adoring public. The license was filed more than 5 day after the wedding, but it will be processed without penalty. The town clerk claimed the penalty is usually waived. LIES! They should have rejected the license just to say they did. The town clerk should have tore up the license, stuck it in her mouth and then arrested them on the spot. I hate missed opportunities.

I guess that confirms that. BLAH!

Ok, he doesn't really get the "hot" chicks, but he gets the young ones. David Cross from Mr. Show and Arrested Development was reportedly making out with Amber Tamblyn at a movie premiere. Yeah, the chick from Joan of Arcadia. SUCIO! He's 43 and she's 23.

A witness told P6 they"were definitely together, making out and barely came up for air the whole night." I don't get when people say "they barely came up for air." Making out for a long period of time can get kind of gross. I mean, you can't really breathe, sometimes snots form and the saliva can get stale. It can become a mess. That's why you have to break it up with butt rimming. Tongue to ass then tongue to mouth. I'll stop.

Amber reminds me of this chick in high school that had an affair with one of the teachers. She was one of those girls that looked completely boring and useless on the outside, but on the inside she was a total freak with major daddy issues. The girl even got pregnant on purpose! When the teacher called the affair off, she went to the Principal and got his ass arrested. She was my idol at the time.

Pete Wentz has already denied that his douche semen knocked up Ashlee. However, Ashlee wants to keep the fun and games going. She talked about the rumors during a taping of MTV's TRL today.

Ass dodged the pregnancy question and said that if all the rumors about her were true she "would have had a baby by now." How do we know she hasn't had a baby by now? I always thought Jessica's baby girl, Daisy, sort of looked like Ashlee. Daisy has Ashlee's original nose.

All this "is she or isn't she" pregnant crap is Papa Joe's doing. He saw how much attention Beyonce was getting for her "maybe wedding," so he decided to produce his own version with lame results.

Here's Ass, Jess, Daisy and Tina Simpson at JFK yesterday. Daisy, I know you're Ass' secret love child! Bark twice if I'm right.

UPDATE: Asshole denied she was knocked up to Life & Style. They asked her if the rumors were true and she said "NO!" A source also told the magazine that Ass would never get knocked up before marriage, because her daddy is so religious. The source said, “Because she’s so religious, she’d definitely want to be married before bringing a child into the world.” Religious my ass lips! God doesn't like lip-synchers.

Star Magazine's asking the tough questions this week! Did Miley Cyrus get her snagtooth fixed? They brought in an expert dentist to tell us what's what.

Dentist Kosdon said, "It looks as though she's had some porcelain veneers put on her front teeth. And her small incisors appear to have been covered to make them look longer and more balanced with the rest of her mouth."

I can't wait for next week's issue! Did Vanessa Hudgens have her a-hole bleached? Yeah, we all know the answer to that question. Zac Efron told her to do it, because the boys like it. Speaking from experience of course.

Back to Miley, yeah she had those teefs fixed. Now she just needs to work on getting that Disney smug smile wiped off her face.

I don't know why even bother posting Brit shit anymore. I have a feeling there's going to be no more meltdowns or drama.. I can't stop though. It's because I'm still addicted and I admit that. Maybe it's the calm before the storm? Doubt it. The hurricane already came through.

So here's some super exciting pictures and a video of Brit shopping at Claire's yesterday. Brit is on a budget, so she only bought sunglasses and a belly ring for $17. She used the debit card Daddy Spears gave her. Yeah, I know. We don't need to know this shit, but I do! I need Brit rehab.

I also wanted to post these pictures to feature this hot ass security lady. Even the mall security in Los Angeles look like fucking oompa loompas. She definitely spends her lunch break getting a fake tan load to the face.

Minnie Driver told Jay Leno last night that she's knocked up with her first baby. Jay had asked the 38-year-old if she had put on some weight and Minnie responded with, "Are you calling me fat?" Oh no, let's not get into that. We already have one Lisa Marie Presley. Jay finally asked her if she was pregnant and she said, "Yes, I am." Rehearsed! Minnie said she's doing well, but is having morning, noon and night sickness.

Minnie didn't say who the father is. A Dlisted birdie told me she hasn't even told him yet. Yeah, I'm not sure if I believe that. Minnie is sort of boring and boring people tell the truth most of the time.

She needs to give up Hollywood if she isn't having twins. Having singular babies is so over. You have to go big or go home.

Minnie was on Leno to promote "The Riches" on FX. I wanted so much to have a hot, passionate affair with that show, but it never tickled my prostate. You can't win them all.

Source

The Queen of the red carpet, Sally Kirkland, was hospitalized this weekend for exhaustion reports TMZ. A rep issued this statement, "Ms. Kirkland was admitted to an outpatient hospital for exhaustion and sleep deprivation. She has been treated and released, and thanks her fans for their ongoing support and prayers."

66-year-old Sally was tired, because...well...because she's 66! No, she was tired, because she's been working on movies back-to-back. B-movie making is hard work.

Sally better rest up in case there's an Oscars red carpet. I am really counting on her this year. Last year she wore the above ensemble and stole the show and my heart. This year I'm hoping she tops herself by shooting fireworks out of her ass or something.

Drink some Sleepytime Tee and watch plenty of PBS, Sally! You have to be in top mess shape by next month.

The teaser trailer for the new Star Trek movie leaked. It's playing before Cloverfield. It's just a teaser, so nothing to burst your nerd wad over. I screwed a few Trekkies over the years, so I consider myself an official one. If you have had at least 5 Trekkie dicks in you that means you are official. It's in the rulebook. Check!

The movie comes out this Christmas and stars that dude from Heroes as Spock.

Source: NewsRadio

Thanks Jay

Jonny Fairplay from Survivor and Michelle Deighton from America's Next Top Model have a kid. Try not to look so thrilled. PageSix.com reports the couple welcomed a baby girl this morning and named her Piper Addison. I'm surprised they aren't already selling the baby pics. Didn't they sell their damn ultrasound scans?

Jonny said, "I am so happy, this is crazy! I am a dad, I am about to go and smoke a cigar!"

The couple plan to get married this Spring.

Great now this jackass can go on another reality show and make up a lie that his baby was injured in an accident to gain sympathy. He would totally do it. Remember when he lied about his grandmother dying, so he could win a challenge? I think CPS should be on-call just in case.

I think that's Jonny's panty pudding all over their faces.

This was the best Golden Globes ever! Cut all the crap and just get straight to the awards. No annoying speeches and instead of a red carpet with celebrities wearing boring ass dresses were these beauties picketing for the WGA. The GG Awards should be like this every year! I say they should start a new tradition. Here some of the winners. Click here to see the entire list

Best Motion Picture, Drama
o American Gangster
o Atonement - WINNER
o Eastern Promises
o The Great Debaters
o Michael Clayton
o No Country for Old Men
o There Will Be Blood

Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama
o George Clooney, Michael Clayton
o Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood - WINNER
o James McAvoy, Atonement
o Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises
o Denzel Washington, American Gangster

Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Drama
o Cate Blanchett, Elizabeth: The Golden Age
o Julie Christie, Away from Her - WINNER
o Jodie Foster, The Brave One
o Angelina Jolie, A Mighty Heart
o Keira Knightley, Atonement

Best Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy
o Across the Universe
o Charlie Wilson's War
o Hairspray
o Juno
o Sweeney Todd - WINNER

Best Actor, Musical or Comedy
o Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd - WINNER
o Ryan Gosling, Lars and the Real Girl
o Tom Hanks, Charlie Wilson's War
o Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Savages
o John C. Reilly, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

* Best Actress, Musical or Comedy
o Amy Adams, Enchanted
o Nikki Blonsky, Hairspray
o Helena Bonham Carter, Sweeney Todd
o Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose - WINNER
o Ellen Page, Juno

Best Series, Drama
o Big Love
o Damages
o Grey's Anatomy
o House
o Mad Men - WINNER
o The Tudors

Best Series, Comedy or Musical
o 30 Rock
o Californication
o Entourage
o Extras - WINNER
o Pushing Daisies

Well, that was fun. I really hope they do it this way next year. I'm serious. Except instead of all those annoying entertainment news TV hosts announcing the winners they should have porn stars do it. That would make it even more exceptional.