Justin Timberlake

What in the "mother of the bride" hell is sleeping on Beyonce's head? Wake it up with a stick. Be careful though, because it might bite your ass. It looks a little hostile.

Beyonce is playing Etta James in a new movie and I guess she decided to keep the act going by wearing her Etta wig during a performance at Fashion Rocks last night. The wig looks more like a cross between Blanche Deveraux and Nancy Reagan. And it looks like wet cornstarch is the only thing keeping that wig on.

You know Solange was cackling backstage with her pocket mouse friend. Solange shouldn't have laughed though. Beyonce already got her ass earlier in the night. More on that later.

During Fashion Rocks, Beyonce joined Mimi, Mary J. Blige, Miley Cyrus and a bunch of other hos to warble through some song called "Just Stand Up." The performance aired during last night's "Stand Up to Cancer" benefit. Basically, except for Mary J. Blige, they all sounded like they had horny hamsters in their throats. When Mary opened her mouth, they all should have politely excused themselves and allowed her to sing the rest. I think Beyonce's wig was trying to make a run for it.

Miley Cyrus should not be allowed to sing....ever again. Bitch sounded like The Chipettes gone reggae. Not a pretty sound.

Here's more pics of Beyonce at Fashion Rocks last night. She also performed with a big fat douche named Justin Timberlake. He should really just go sit in the corner and fuck a bowl of Wheaties.

Say those six words when you get to the gates of hell and you'll immediately be ushered to the VIP section.

I think it's pretty effin' disgusting that the producers are even considering allowing this douche bag host the Oscars. How long are the Oscars? Like 15 hours? Imagine sitting through 15 hours of Justin Timberlake. There isn't enough booze and drugs on the planet to get you through that.

A source told The National Enquirer (via CM) that the producers were impressed with Justin after watching him host the ESPY Awards. They thought he was "naturally funny." And methinks the producers are "naturally high."

They also think Justin could bring in a younger audience. The source went on to say, "Justin is more than a singer, he's a song-and-dance man - and turned in a performance (at the ESPY Awards) any comedian would envy. Our first question was, 'Can we get him?' Justin does it all, and knows how to work a star-studded audience." Song-and-dance man? Since when is this douche Gene Kelly?

This may be the perfect time to end the Oscars awards show. It's been a good run, but it's time to call it a day the minute you start to consider Justin Timberfake as a host. Instead, they can hand out the awards in the parking lot of Bob's Big Boy after Sunday buffet brunch.

Justin Timberfake wants everyone to know that he's the tool responsible for bringing the nauseating trucker cap trend to the masses. He told Fashion Rocks (via Marc Malkin), “It’s funny. I keep hearing Ashton Kutcher say how he was responsible for trucker caps. I’ve heard him make that statement before. Trace and I were wearing them when we were seventeen."

Hos have been wearing fugly ass trucker caps since the beginning of time. Jesus even wore one. Seriously, the fact that Justin wants credit for that ugly shit confirms his status as one of the biggest twats in history.

I'd rather wear a (DO NOT CLICK) diseased penis (DON'T) on my head than a nasty trucker cap.

Brit Brit and Justin Timberlake will record a duet for her next album. OK! Magazine sweeeaaars this is true. They pinky swear it!

Brit Brit's album is coming out sometime next year. A source said, "Britney is spending her summer in the recording studio, working on a brand new album. She's working with a team of top-notch producers and songwriters and we're very excited about what she's accomplished so far."

I'll believe it when I hear Brit Brit's Cheeto warble and Justin's gay baby whining together in one song. Even then, I won't believe it! Knowing Brit Brit, she'll just sing along to one of Justin's tracks. Justin TimberLAME is too busy licking his own boypuss to record a song with Brit.

In Justin's delusional mind, he should only duet with the likes of Kathleen Battle and shit.

Brit Brit has already shot some crazy elevator scene for Vadge's upcoming "Dry & Sour" tour, but she may also perform during a couple of shows. Vadge is desperate (being the key word) to get Brit Brit onstage with Justin Timberlake. Justin worked on Vadge's "Hard Candy" album.

A source told The Sun, “Madonna is always trying to raise the bar and Britney and Timberlake on the same stage would be perfect. They have both been asked but I think both are a bit reluctant. Britney would find it all a bit emotional and JT might not fancy it. More likely is that they both appear on different dates. But if anyone can make this happen it’s Madonna.”

Like Douchebag Timberlake is really going to agree to this shit. Bitch thinks his pussy doesn't stink.

This will only work if Brit Brit and Justin wear those sexy outfits in the picture of. Vadge can wear a matching one too, but hers will probably look more like this.

Then they can all sing "Sidewalk Talk" together. Seriously, WTF happened to Sidewalk Talk?! That is the greatest Vadge song of all-time! Even Martika agrees and she knows everything. Clip below:

Or is it 2 dudes, 1 dog? Or 3 dogs? Any of those work.

Justin Timberlake looks so happy he could queef. He always has bitch face. Jessica Biel should use a bigger strap-on his ass so he would loosen up some more.

And who the hell did that to Jessica's hair?! It reminds me of when my mommy gave my sister a haircut when we were little. My mommy took the kitchen scissors in one hand and my sister's bangs in the other hand and chopped them in one swoop. It left my sister with asymmetrical bangs that were too short! That poor bitch looked like an Emo gayelle.

Maybe my mommy is moonlighting as Jessica Biel's bang-cutter. Bang-cutter. That sounds really gross and inappropriate.

Justin Timberlake told Collider.com that he suffers from both OCD and ADD. Yes, the tampon is still blabbing. Justin said, "I have OCD mixed with ADD. You try living with that. It's complicated."

In Justin's case, OCD stands for "Oogly Cuntry Douche." Seriously, I think ALL celebrities have OCD because they are all obsessed with themselves.

Here's Justin with some poopey-stained boots in Paris this morning.

Becks, slowly step away from the douche. You do not want to be contaminated! Hopefully, Becks went home and bathed in period water. I know it's gross, but that's the only way to combat douche.

You can tell Becks has no idea what Justin Timberlake is saying. When Justin starts talking everybody but him only hears "douche douche douche." Becks is politely smiling and trying to figure out what the hell is coming out of d-bag's mouth.

Here's Becks with Justin at the Lakers-Celtics game last night.

Madonna performed a 32-minute set at NYC's Roseland last night for free! Well, it wasn't totally free, because some people waited over 60 hours to get in. WTF! I wouldn't even wait 60 hours in line to see a Pete Doherty and Amy Wino crack-off! Ok, I totally would.

Anyway, during her set, Madge told the audience, “All you people I saw sleeping in the street last night, this song is for you.” She went on to say, "And don't forget to waste your hard earned cash on all my products, because I really need to buy a 4th home in London. CHEERIO!" Ok, she didn't say the last part.

Madge was joined on stage by Douche Timberlake and two tampons bumped vaginas to that hideous song of theirs. Seriously, can that song be put down already?

At least Madge kept her hands and crotch covered. That's all that I ask. Yes, it looks like her performance had its fair share of memaw crotch thrusts, but that's ok. Madonna is the new Sally O'Malley. She's 50 (almost)!!!!

Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are still two dykes in love. The two attended some wedding in Los Angeles last night and came out hand-in-hand. You know she-hulk's grip is killing Justin inside. She doesn't know her own strength. He wants to cry so badly, but he's keeping it together for the cameras. Justin is used to it. Biel probably works that strap-on like a champ. Even cokie on Justin's hole can't ease the pain. The bitch is a trooper.

Tobey Maguire, Jason Bateman, Scott Speedman and Eva Mendes also attended last night. This shit looked like a funeral! They were all wearing black. It makes sense. You're mourning the bride and groom's slut days. Sad.