Justin Timberlake

Jessica Biel (Tip: Read that boring ho's name in Sookeh from True Blood's voice to make it more exciting. Jessica Beeeeeehl!) and Justin Timberlake have been getting on and off of each over for the past 4 years and I figured it was only a matter of time before their relationship completely buried itself right next to the open grave reserved for their movie careers. But apparently Jessica and Justin have tortured each other for so long that they have decided they should torture each other all the way by getting married. Lainey Gossip points to this Tweet from a gallery owner in Jackson, Wyoming:

Word on the street is that Justin Timberlake proposed to Jessica Biel at the Amangani last night...we're picking out post-engagement presents for them just in case they come in! Trying to play it cool...

Jessica Biel seems like a vacuum hole that can suck the personality out of any room she enters and there are major parts of Justin Timberlake's personality that need to be sucked into a black hole to nothingness, so I hope they make each other miserable for centuries to come.

And I will be disappointed in Justin if he didn't propose to Jessica by making her open his dick in a box. You know a finger ring can easily fit around his peen without the help of Crisco. I will also be disappointed if Justin and Brit Brit don't have a double wedding with a cowboy pimp denim theme.

As you can see from the vintage picture above of Justin Timberlake and Ryan Gosling with their Mickey Mouse Club castmate Jennifer McGill, they were once best friends forever who did hood rat stuff (more like country club mouse stuff) together. Now that their grown men with pubes and shit, Justin normally keeps their matching best friends forever necklaces shiny by only saying nice shit about Ryan. But Justin got bold during a conversation with his new homegirl Jimmy Fallon for GQ. Timberpuddle tried knock the Pabst right out of Ryan's hand by subtly saying that he (in my best God Warrior voice) IS NOT A HIP-STAAAAAAAAH.

Jimmy Fallon: Dude, I was just talking to [Ryan] Gosling about that. Did Gosling really live on your couch when he was a kid?

Justin Timberlake: So he tried to make it seem like he was bohemian even back then?

Jimmy Fallon: Definitely, man. He said he was struggling and you helped him out.

Justin Timberlake: Ryan's mom had to stay back in Canada and my mom was his guardian for a year so he could come down and be on the show. But Gosling got his own bed. He didn't sleep on the couch. He said that?

Jimmy Fallon: It's a better story!

Justin Timberlake: I'm picturing a ten-year-old Gosling bumming Marlboro Reds off some bum, growing hipster facial hair...

There's Justin setting his tongue to DOUCHE again. This bitch is obviously feeling a world of jealousy, because some people actually go to Ryan's movies and Justin's last movie flopped straight into the $1 theater, where it sold a grand total of two tickets, but only because a couple of sluts needed a private place to fuck.

Justin and Ryan obviously need to hug out their differences while recreating the magical picture above. Don't you miss the old days when Justin had baby gay face and a white boy Jheri curl?

You know Justin Timberlake is serious about looking crown-to-forehead beautiful for a very special date when he pulls out the blow dryer, flat iron and straightening serum. That's exactly what he did for Cpl. Kelsey De Santis, as promised! Remember when that one Marine asked Mila Kunis to his ball (wink wink) and then EVERY Marine asked EVERY celebwhore to their ball? Well, one of those Marines was Kelsey and she asked Justin Timberlake to get all prettied up to be her to date to her ball. Justin bat his eyes, swayed all flirty-like and accepted her invitation. Justin kept his promise last night and sashayed into the Instructor Battalion Marine Corps Ball in Richmond, Va. on the arm of Corporal Kelsey.

One Marine told People that Justin graciously took pictures with everyone and "we all brought sexy back! Justin seemed to have a good time, and it was great to see him there."

Before you give Justin the taint slap salute for keeping his word, we need to know if that bitch gave up the panty in the parking lot at the end of the night. Kelsey didn't make a YouTube invitation and give Justin a carnation cock ring corsage just so he could nibble at a chicken dinner and slow dance with her to one song. Nope. It is Justin's duty as an American to put out. I'm sure he did. You can't say no to a badass lady Marine who can put the frizz in your hair just by flinching at it. And obviously, Justin was serious about his coif last night.

Also, it's good to know that if you want Justin to do something, you just have to ask him in a YouTube video. Why do I have a feeling that YouTube will suddenly be flooded with videos of hos asking Justin to please be their date to the NEVER MAKE A MOVIE AGAIN AND JUST STICK TO MUSIC Ball.

(Image via WoJo)

The FBI is currently looking at those hacked pictures of ScarJo's nips and ass, and as soon as they come out of that locked room with the silk tie over the door knob, they're going to start investigating the hacking of Mila Kunis' phone too. Oh, I bet they are. There's your tax dollars jacking at work!

TMZ reported a few days ago that the same hacker who snatched ScarJo's 250 pixel titty off of her cell phone also pulled some 21st century Hackers shit on Mila's phone. But unlike ScarJo, Mila was not ready to make her nekkid cell phone picture debut and kept all of her goods off of her phone. The only semi-scandalous pictures on her phone were of Justin Timberlake and another picture of a mysterious peen. At the time, amateur detectives and hos thirsty for Timberpeen assumed he pulled his dick out of the box and made it smile for Mila Kunis. And you know me...

There are many peens that I want to meet in person and/or through a picture, but Justin's has never been one of them. If you rolled around in my laptop's cache, the words "Justin Timberlake penis picture" would not stick to your body. Surprisingly. But after I read that a Justin Timberlake dick pic is somewhere out there, dickmatization took over my body and I searched everywhere for it. I traveled through the forums of Sean Cody cum shot videos and down through the dungeons of old Jack Wrangler pictures. I came up with a lot of future fapping material (thank you, internet), but I did not come up with Justin Timberlake's dick. And now TMZ tells me it was all for nothing!

The peen portrait on Mila's phone does not belong to Justin and his down low stuff has never posed for a camera. Justin really knows that the dick on Mila's phone doesn't belong to him, because there's no scar on it from the time Brit Brit mistook it for a white cheddar Cheeto.

So if it isn't Justin's dick. Whose is it? Don't even tell me it's Macaulay Culkin's, because I'm not ready to find out where searching for "Macaulay Culkin penis" on Google will take me. (SPOILER ALERT: It took me here. And I'm done.)

At a press conference for Friends with Benefits, a reporter asked Justin Timberlake the question everybody asks after sitting through the audio-visual torture devices known as Yogi Bear and The Love Guru: Why do movies? Why not do more music? The Russian to English translation was slow in getting to Justin's ears, so Mila Kunis, who lived in the Ukraine until she was 7, took the question and used her tongue as a whip to put the shush on that ho's mouth. The Daily What translated Mila's Russian verbal slap into English and it came out like this:

"Why movies? Why not? What kind of question is that? Why are you here?”

Meanwhile, Justin's brain queefed out several questions marks during the whole thing. How do you say "HERP DERP" in Russian?

What I want to know is, why does every bitch out sound so much better in a foreign language? Seriously, every now and again I'll type "you useless dumb whore" into Google Translate and make that robot lady say it to me in different languages. It's soooo not the same as the real thing, because ho isn't real, can't act, has zero feeling in her voice and doesn't mean it.

It's totally one of my goals in life to get torn a new asshole in every single foreign language. Because "you useless dumb whore" is like music to my ears when it leaps off of a foreign tongue. And because I want new assholes.

And did Justin ever answer that question, because I know some hos who want to know. Here's Justin (whose HERP DERP eyes tell me that he's still queefing question marks over the whole thing) and Mila leaving a restaurant in London tonight.

Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis are whoring themselves hard for that crap Friends with Benefits movie like everyone's rent is due and everyone's landlord is knocking on the door while his wife is downstairs so a bitch can't crawl down the fire escape. Justin and Mila have given interviews to everybody, sold pieces of their soul and even brought the Marines into it in order to make sure that hos pay $13 to see them have fake sex. And in a last-minute attempt to sell their movie, Justin and Mila pulled out the bright big superstar gun that is JOYCE FUCKING DEWITT! Come on knock on our dooooor, because I WILL take a step that is new!

Miss Joyce came to party as though someone just yelled LAST CALL at the Regal Beagle. Miss Joyce flexed those rock hard neck veins like she's been using Suzanne Somers' VeinMaster for months and can't wait to show her results. Miss Joyce let the blood from her face drain into her hips since that's where the real party will come from when she swishes her shit on Justin on the dance floor at the after-party. Miss Joyce's eyes might look like they're screaming "Did somebody say coke?" but they're really saying "Sexy is officially back!" And Crest Whitestrip sales plummeted into the dirt seconds after Miss Joyce did the cokey grit grin and showed off her I Can't Believe It's Not Butter teeth.

Kris Jenner can pull up her face as much as possible, but she'll never look as shiny beautiful as this. Kris needs to make like Miss Joyce's right nostril and BE GONE!

You probably don't care since you're obviously just here for Miss Joyce, but here's a bunch of others who showed up to last night's NYC premiere of Friends with Medicare. In order: The true star of the night, Justin Timberlake, Mila Kunis, Emma Stoner, Irina Shayk, Patricia Clarkson (who is obviously too much woman for JT), Michael Bolton and Fu Manwhite.

Mila Kunis said the word I long to hear when I propose marriage to my Anderson Cooper paper doll after Sgt. Scott Moore got on YouTube to ask her to be his date to the Marine Corp Ball in North Carolina in November. But then Access Hollywood's Billy Bush, the Howdy Doody wooden puppet that was brought to life by the blue fairy, said that it wasn't going to happen because Mila's schedule won't allow it. During a press conference for No Friends with Attached Benefits (or whatever the hell that shit is called), Mila said Billy is lying and that she will go to the ball with Sgt. Scott in November.

Mila's co-star Justin Timberlake also verbally RSVP'd to the invitation from Corporal Kelsey De Santis to go to the Marine Corp Ball with her in DC. Corporal Kelsey took a page out of Sgt. Scott's book by asking Justin to her ball in November. Justin awkwardly said he'd go if his schedule allows it.

So basically, two of the stars of Friends with Benefits are going to a Marine Corp Ball in November, which is probably around the same time that shit comes out on DVD. An unplanned publicity stunt that Uncle Sam can and will salute to. Don't bother any of the producers of Friends with Benefits this weekend, because they'll be too busy jacking it over this.

But what I want to know is, out of all the Friends with Benefits cast members why did Sgt. Scott and Corporal Kelsey go with Justin and Mila? Patricia Clarkson is in that shit! Patricia Clarkson! Why didn't she get any invites? Fuck to the hell. Unlike Mila and Justin, Patricia will dry freak on the dance floor and let everyone do a bald eagle teardrop shot out of her naval. In the wise of Vivian from Pretty Woman: BIG MISTAKE! HUGE!

And in case you haven't seen it, here's Corporal Kelsey's invitation to Justin.

via HuffPo

Justin Timberlake has dated a mega stoner who probably shits shake (see: Cameron Diaz) and has hinted in the past about how he's struck down with bong love, but now he's officially coming out of the hot boxin' closet as a proud stoner.

Justin confessed to Playboy Magazine that he allows the long tube of green smoke to fuck his throat gently, because it's his way of escaping his brain for a minute. Here's Justin on weed, internet gossip and the work of denim art he wore to the American Music Awards.

On if the internet is ever right about who he's giving his dick in a box to: “None of it’s true, so I shouldn’t even dignify it with an answer. The thing is, I’m not going to sacrifice my friendships with people who are my co-stars I meet in the business. I’m not going to avoid spending time with people because someone who doesn’t know me makes assumptions about what’s going on. That’s bullshit…My life is not on the internet.”

On why he keeps shit in the Hollywood family by only fucking on celebrities: “You probably gravitate toward people who understand your scenario. At the end of the day you just want someone who gets you, who can be a friend. That’s kind of the point of Friends with Benefits. As corny as it sounds, the ‘friends’ part counts just as much as the ‘benefits’ part, if not more.”

On if he was whoring it up during his N'Sync days: “I hate to disappoint you, but I was the youngest one in the group, so the other guys were getting more of that [girl] action, and they were protective of me…But yeah, the girl stuff definitely was a heavy part of it, and it would play with your mind. I remember looking down once – we were playing Madison Square Garden for an HBO special – and this girl put her arm out. She had a mural of me tattooed along her whole arm. I just remember looking at it and thinking, Holy sh*t, that’s never going to come off.”

On the denim suit that should earn him and Brit Brit a place in The Museum of YES: “God, I feel I’ve gone to therapy just to erase some of them. The cornrows I wore with ‘N Sync. That was pretty bad. Britney and I wore matching denim outfits [to the 2001 American Music Awards]. Yeah, another bad choice. I’d probably pay good money to get some of those pictures off the internet.”

On smoking pot: “Absolutely [I’m a pot smoker]…The only thing pot does for me is it gets me to stop thinking. Sometimes I have a brain that needs to be turned off. Some people are just better high.”

Justin isn't telling lies about the "some people are just better high" part. Some people are just better high and the people who aren't (aka the paranoids and nacho-hoarders), are better as seen through high eyes. And now you know that you're not the only one who tokes up to forget about Justin Timberlake, so does Justin Timberlake!

Sean Penn and ScarJo are supposed to be broken up! The Internet told us so. But here they are together at last night's Spike TV Awards in L.A. One of two things is happening. Either People Magazine was talking about the OTHER ScarJo & Sean Penn breaking up and this ScarJo & Sean Penn are still doing it. Or ScarJo is only posing with Keith Richard's nutsack so hos won't say that they threw each other shade backstage. ScarJo might be saying to herself: "UGH! ScarJo! Thanks to your poor decisions, you have to stand here with this wrinkled old testicle face like everything's good and pretty! The next time you want to suck on an over-microwaved shriveled hot dog, suck on an over-microwaved shrivel hot dog instead of Sean Penn's dick. ARGH!" ScarJo says "ARGH" and "UGH" a lot, so I'm going to say that the latter is the true story behind this picture.

Here's a few more pictures from the awards show that gave awards to bitches for absolutely no reason. Sean Penn won something. So did Keith Richards and Jennifer Aniston. Aniston was pretty excited about winning that trophy. And not because she won something, but because she finally had something to hang her Cabbage Patch Kids' winter coats on!

In order: Aniston, Sean Penn, ScarJo, the hot sisters from The Fighter, Rosie Huntington-Whatever, Eva Mendes, Justin Timberlake, Minka Kelly, Ben Affleck, Jim Carrey, Cameron Diaz, Keef Richards & Marky Mark.

When I said a silent prayer asking for two child stars of yore to join together in the name of love (and a blurb in UsWeekly), I was thinking more along the lines of Harriet from Small Wonder and Heather from Mr. Belvedere. But sadly, that's not what we were given. We were given Justin Timberlake and Ashley Olsen instead. I mean, if you're going to pair someone from Full House and someone from The Mickey Mouse Club, why couldn't it have been Kimmy Gibler and T.J.?

Despite the denials from Justin's rep, a source tells UsWeekly that he's definitely hooking up with Tangina's true biological daughter. They apparently spent time together at two Broadway shows, a restaurant and a hotel in NYC. Because Ashley barely broke up with Justin Bartha and Justin Timberlake split from Jessica Biel, the source says they are trying to keep shit on the down low.

This is a pairing as bizarre as cayenne pepper lube. I just cannot picture Ashely Olsen cooing the word "pruuuuuuuune" into Justin's no-no in the middle of the night. And my thoughts are powered by the top users at Consumption Junction, so I can usually picture some screwed up shit. Justin has to be dating Ashley Olsen as some sort of dare or challenge. Justin wants to make everybody laugh and laughing in a happy tone is against Ashley's beliefs. This is either going to end with Ashley owning Justin's soul, or Justin winning the right to cross any bridge at any time.