Kirstie Alley

Scientologists don't believe in anti-depressants, because when they want to get happy, they fuck themselves in the butt with an e-meter can while humming the theme to Close Encounters of a Third Kind. So it's not exactly surprising that Kirstie Alley is throwing ten balls of hate at the anti-depressant Abilify for using cartoons in their commercials. The Jabba the Hutt of Scientology spent yesterday and today ranting on Twitter about how Abilify is targeting children by using cartoons. Kirstie may not have a PhD in pharmacology, but she has a PhD in batshit lunacy, so she definitely knows what she's talking about. Here's the truth according to Dr. Kirstie:

So Kirstie is hating on a pill that claims to help with depression and yet she's the member of a "religion" that claims to cure gayness? Oh, Kirstie, never stop being you. This bitch needs some Abilify. And you know, I think I'd rather suffer from dizziness and have trouble swallowing (I can't believe I just typed that, my social life is ruined) than be a Scientologist. So Kirstie, you stay worshipping an alien god and we'll stay pilled up.

via Radar

Who knew that all this time Kristie "Third Wheel" Alley has been waiting in the wings, wishing for the day when John Travolta would finally shave Kelly Preston off of his face and pick her as his new beard. On tonight's 20/20 (via Radar), Kirstie tells Barbara Walters that contrary to popular belief, Krispy Kreme isn't the true love of her life, John Travolta is.

Kirstie says that she fell seriously in love with John while shooting the first Look Who's Talking movie and she never tried to beard him, because she was married at the time to Parker Stevenson. Kirstie says that she wanted to leave Parker and run away with John, but she resisted the urge. In between shooting the second Look Who's Talking movie and the third one, John married his lifelong beard Kelly Preston. Kirstie still considers John the love of her life, but she's happy to be his main fruit fly and cherishes all the time they spend together (aka having a kiki in the Scientology bath house.)

Poor Kirstie. Why isn't Kirstie the one on People Magazine talking about her "miracle baby"? Why isn't Kirstie the one giving John choreographed kisses on the red carpet? Why isn't Kirstie the one holding hands with John in staged photo-ops? Why is it that bitch Kelly Preston? Why didn't John choose her? Oh, Kirstie, always the fag hag, never the beard.

I don't mean to disrespect Kelly Preston's bearding skills, because she is a world-class beard, but Kirstie Alley would've been better. Kirstie would've gladly and loudly lied to everyone about how she gets it on with John all the time and he really knows how to work that dick on her cooch like a real heterosexual. Kirstie would've laid it on extra thick during staged public displays of affection on the red carpet. And every time John came home crying because another massage therapist ran away from his hungry, hungry b-hole, Kirstie would've made him feel better by making him a big pot of cake batter soup with cookie dough bits in it. Then Kirstie would've put on Auntie Mame and let John recite all of Rosalind Russell's lines. She'd gladly take Vera's lines. That's a beard to the end right there. Oh well, it's John Travolta's loss!

I'm just going to drop this off and keep on going....

When asked about her dating life by Ellen DeGeneres, Alley, 60, admitted she usually goes for "psychos" and "players," so the host suggested she try going with the opposite of what she's attracted to.

"I'm thinking ugly men might be the solution," the Dancing with the Stars alum responded. "I'm talking about butt ugly. Because I go for really handsome men and I think butt ugly would be appreciative."

via CNN

Mo'Nique has this part in her act on the Queens of Comedy where she says that she can't fuck with a fat dude, because it ends up being a slow-moving whirlpool of wheezes, regrets, under fupa sweat and cock-blocking guts. Basically, Mo'Nique says it's about as exhausting as putting Ikea furniture together without instructions and getting two fat people to fuck should probably be a puzzle game on Survivor. Kirstie Alley apparently knows what Mo'Nique is talking about, because she tells People that before she dropped 100lbs (FYI: 100lbs in Kirstie Alley weight is like 60lbs in real life weight) from her body, she stayed away from hard peen for one reason.

Kirstie says her coochie pot pie went cold, because she couldn't free her fat and just go with it. Kirstie explains, "I didn't like the way I looked, and I didn't want to have fat sex. What I'm looking for is to be madly, deeply in love. For the first time in my life, I know exactly what I want in a man. I want someone who has my baby back ribs, who is courageous and brave."

Didn't want to have fat sex? This bitch could've fooled me. Every time I went to Kirstie's Twatter page during her "fat days," I'd have to bring a Bounty paper towel along to wipe the extra thick panty pudding she'd spray on my monitor screen from going on and on about Jamie Foxx. When Kirstie wasn't creaming at the tips about Jamie Foxx, she was creaming at the tips about Jamie Foxx. Kirstie needs to stop acting like she didn't eat everything and the crust when that Jamie Foxx impersonator she hired delivered his (NSFW unless you work in the Scientology offices) Big Sausage Pizza to her doorstep.

Kirstie is only saying this shit, because she wants everybody to believe that if they sign up for her stupid Organic Liasons crap, you'll drop the chunk and your life will be so much better in every way. Kirstie, put your mouth on John Travolta's butt plug and shut it. Even if you echoed my mother's claim and said that when a dude loses weight his peen grows a little bit, I still wouldn't sign up for Organic Liasons. (Cut to me eating two 100 calorie Oreo packs instead of three.)

Just like that dude on Craigslist who tells you that he's got an 8.5 incher with the girth of Neptune's pinched nipple, Kirstie Alley's sense of measurement is about as off as her sense of sanity. Shortly after the fat thetans started to belly flop off of her body during Dancing with the Has-Beens, Kirstie said she was a size 4, then she said she was a size 2, then she said that her retinas have gotten so skinny that she can't even see the dress labels anymore, but she's pretty sure she can only fit into size zeros that have been cut in half and vacuum sealed.

And during an interview with Entertainment Tonight, Kirstie told that the re-worked robotic clone of John Tesh named Mark Steines that she has dropped 10 dress sizes (cut to Kirstie minutes before dropping 10 dress labels onto the floor so you can't say she's lying) and is now 100 pounds lighter. Kirstie's personal e-meter in her cubby hole at the Scientology Center just grew eyes so it can side-eye this heffa. Kirstie said this:

"I've lost 100 pounds. I feel like I'm back in my element and not wearing a suit, a bad suit. And I honestly didn't even realize what I looked like too much. Right before I did Dancing with the Stars, I bought these dresses in size 14 to 4, the same dress, and I said, 'You know what I really want? I really want to be in this dress in a 4.'

The chunk didn't melt off of Kirstie Alley's body (it was later poured into an empty pasta sauce jar and stored in a cabinet next to the Scientology men's sauna for future lube use) with help from the appetite-suppressant known as working as John Travolta's booty hole groomer for the week.

Kirstie says she owes everything to Organic Liaisons, the Scientology-approved weight loss program she came up with. Uh huh, the only liaison you've had is with a lapband, bitch, but I'll let that one pass since Kirstie made my night last night by coming out on the catwalk at the Zang Toi looking like Xenu in first time drag complete with a bacon basket weave. Burn up that barley, Kirstie!

Why must Kirstie Alley do this to herself? Why can't she just put the crazy on mute and stop hollerin' about how she's a SIZE 4 and has a 22-INCH WAIST? We can all scream about how we have a 10-inch dick, indestructible nipples, a bottomless asshole and hands as soft as a cashmere fleshlight, but that doesn't mean people are going to believe it. And trust me, they don't. I write that into my Craigslist ad all the time and the e-mail that's reserved for ho shit still hasn't been christened by a response.

You know, Kirstie can kick, stretch and kick, and yet she's still burning her tongue raw with blatant lies by trying to get us to believe that she's as thin as her sense of measurement. Kirstie gets a Scientology clap (aka a dick slap on the ass while hiding in a sauna closet) from me for losing nearly 60 pounds since starting on Dancing with the Stars, but she says she isn't done.

irstie's goal is to fit into a dress with a 22-inch wait and she's almost there. Kirstie said this to Life & Style, "My goal dress has a waist that's 22 inches. I tried it on, and I can almost zip it up." Kirstie is going to Italy in a few weeks and says that she'll be able to get into her goal dress by then. The minute Kirstie zips that dress up, we can all hop on a pig and fly down into the icy tundras of Hell where John Travolta will be fucking on a vagina and loving it.

Life & Style also points out that Megan Fox has a 22-inch waist, so she can share clothes with Kirstie now.

Unless Kirstie means the dress is 22 inches in diameter, bitch is telling an XXXXL lie and needs to stop buying her measuring tapes at the House of FIBrics. If you removed all of Kirstie's ribs, cinched her in with a girdle made of wishful thinking, vacuum sealed her and put her in Paula Abdul's "Promise of a New Day" video, she still wouldn't have a 22-waist. Kirstie's body looks good and so she needs to quit with the weight loss talk and spend more time licking fat-free hummus off of her supposed boy toy's carrot stick.

Yes, the Daily Mail says that this hot piece named Ted Volynets is Kirstie's boyfriend and dance instructor. All together now: FUCK MY LIFE.

For the second week in a row, Kirstie Alley's Dancing with the Thetans' performance went about as smooth as John Travolta's yearly prostate exam. Kirstie crushed her Thetans last week when she hit the floor after Maksim's leg muscle quit that shit, and last night her shoe came off halfway through her waltz to the Bellagio water fountain song. Someone is trying to ruin, Kristie! (Cut to George Lopez and Xenu filling the foot of their Kirstie Alley voodoo doll with kitchen sink lard so that it swells up and pops her shoe off).

Kirstie gracefully glided out onto the stage like Ursula trying to seduce Ariel's voice out of her froat, grabbed onto Maks (who was dressed like a bus boy at Knott's Berry Farm's finest restaurant) and sprinkled the dance floor with the magical powdered sugar that flies off of her feet. Kristie then slid onto the floor and I thought she was going to pull a Slim Jim out of her shoe or some shit. But Kirstie's strap refused to cooperate and she quickly tried to fix that mess before her next move. Who ever is in charge of welding that shoe to Kirstie's foot is totally out of a job this morning.

Kirstie picked up and continued without anymore issues. The judges gave her 22 out of 30. Afterward, Kirstie joked to UsWeekly that someone is trying to Showgirls her:

"I think it's a conspiracy! I think the other girls cut my shoe!

I don't know if I handled it well or not well! When your shoe comes off, you either put it back on or you take it off, one or the other.

But seriously, I don't want to be that girl! I want to win. And I want to win by being the best! I got an 8 -- but I can't help but think if I did the dance correctly, we could have gotten some 9s. I really do want to be a good dancer and I'm working on it.

I don't want to become the mercy fuck. I want people to vote for me because I'm good. I really do!"

Kirstie could come out on stage in a Nazi uniform and tear a picture of the patron saint of everything Bea Arthur before making out with Chris Brown on the slaughtered carcass of a baby unicorn, and she'd still win the night. Kirstie is going to take this shit. Something tells me that the Scientology audits now involve calling the DWTS voting line and pressing #8 for Kirstie.

It happened last night! After all the "Maks better get a Kryptonite spine transplant and wear a weight lift cummerbund" jokes, it really happened. After Kirstie Alley told a sad story about how she got her big break at the same time her mother was killed by a drunk driver, she sashayed out onto the dance floor to twist her ham hocks to a ukelele version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." A few seconds into their routine, her partner Maks Chmerkovskiy started cringing in his face and then dropped Kirstie faster than Tommy Girl drops Katie Holmes' hand when the cameras aren't around. You couldn't hear the boom when Kirstie hit the floor, because it was deafened by Xenu cackling on top of his volcano. Thetans failed her now!

As the muscles in Maks' legs refused to de-erect themselves, he shook it off and the two continued to RUMBA FOR THEIR LIVES!!! The fall might've worked in Kirstie's favor, because the judges gave her a 21 out of 30, 1 point higher than last week.

Kirstie's head is filled with the kind of craziness that is only developed from sniffing John Travolta's old ass juices marinating on the benches in the Scientology community sauna, but she's really damn likable on this mess of a shit show. And she can move. So if anything, this fall is going to get her even more votes. As soon as that ho's ass sucked the floor, I just knew half of the viewers picked up their phones. Wendy Williams better stage an accidental wig snatching next week if she wants to stay in the game.

On Good Morning America today, Maks apologized and then said he simply got a charley horse. Nothing broke, nothing tore. Kirstie brushed off the fall and showed love for Marks on Twitter:

I salute u... U r a gladiator .... A champion... I'm honored to be your partner

Thank u all for your support and your votes.... Sort of a beauty in Live TV... Because it's live... Anything can happen... gotta love it!!!!

Meanwhile, TBS probably put a padlock on George Lopez's tongue, because you just know a "cow tipping" joke is sitting on the edge waiting to jump.

Season 590,989,999 of Dancing for Twitter Followers premiered last night, and it was mostly filled with stiff moves that only a necrophiliac could fap to (I'm looking at you, Chris Jericho) and awful Kellie Pickler impersonations (and now I'm looking at you, Chelsea Kane). But the big surprise came when 60-year-old Kirstie Alley and her partner Maks (who was dressed like a waiter on a 70s-themed gay cruise) busted onto the stage and worked and twerked it like John Travolta's ass lips on a Dominican dick. Kirstie's girdle has rips that are older than some of the contestants on that show, and she put them all to shame! It was Monday pizza party night in the Scientology men's dungeon (and I mean this NSFW kind of pizza), and all the dudes took mouths off of the peenaroni for a second to cheer on Kirstie!

It's not that I'm shocked that Kirstie can move (I mean, I'm sure L. Ron Hubbard blessed her with the twinkle dust that flies off of John Travolta's heels a long time ago), but the inside of her head seems as cluttered as a Hoarder's garage freezer, so I didn't think she'd be able to focus and learn that shit. But she proved me wrong. Now on to the other side of rhythm coin....

Wendy Williams.......... How..... dread...... ful....

I've seen discarded, water-damaged wigs that blow in the wind with more rhythm than this.

Kelly Preston's arm nearly went out to Charlie Sheen after he almost shot it off, and now she's sending him her heart. Before Kelly became John Travolta's main wig fluffer, she was engaged to Charlie for about a year. Their relationship ended with a bullet going into her arm during a mysterious gun accident. Charlie has proclaimed that the warlocks and the "church of the Martian idiot" are fighting on opposite sides of the octagon, but the Thetan holding that information must've left Kelly's being because she has nothing but love for Charlie.

At the opening of Kirstie Alley's Organic Liaison weight loss center last night, Kelly told People Magazine, "My heart just goes out to him, and all of his family. We were together for a year, and he wasn't drinking, and he wasn't doing drugs. And there's a beautiful person in there. He really is a great man. I think there's a way back for anyone. I always have hope, and my prayers are with him."

The disciples of L.Ro are better than me, because I wouldn't have any sympathy for a bastard almost left me with one fappin' hand. The only wish I'd send him is that a King Cobra sniffs out his tiger blood and tries to bite his arm off. On the other hand, by "prayers," Kelly Preston might mean "an alien voodoo chant of revenge." So her smile could have venom dripping off of it.

Here's Kelly with some of her fellow auditheads (Nancy Cartwright & Lois and Buzz Aldrin) and Maks at the opening of Kirstie's weight-loss center. Yes, Kirstie opening a weight-loss center is like Charlie opening up a mental health facility. I bet Organic Liaisons is like the opposite of that Jessica Seinfeld cookbook. Instead of hiding broccoli in brownies, they hide brownies in broccoli. That way everybody thinks you're eating healthy, when you're really getting your fill of the real good shit.