This will come as no surprise to you sluts as this is the biggest DUH excuse given to your lovah when asked about humping on someone else’s fuck parts during a BREAK UP PERIOD, but supposedly the Fox was on hiatus from licking on her now husband Brian Austin Green when she supposedly waxed LaDouche's pocket monkey.
In response to an internet FRENZY, a nosy bitch-type (Megan texting via a prepaid ghetto phone) working on the set of the first two Transformer movies told US Weekly, “It was when Megan and Brian broke up, they had a 10-month break before getting back together.” Detective Latoya, please sit down.
On again off again relationships are somewhat familiar to me, so let me just clue you in on the five words that will save your ass in a pinch “WE WERE NOT TOGETHER THEN!” You’re welcome (it doesn’t work).
Nothing like a heartwarming video death threat to serenade us out of 2010's back door. Above is Raz B's brother Ricky Romance threatening to stick the head of his pistol into Chris Brown's gaping mouth hole because of a Twitter bitch fight that went down last night. Where is my kindergarten teacher to separate these asshole children and stick them in different corners of the room without a snack! Yup, no saltines and peanut butter for you, bitches!
In case you don't know, Raz B of B2K has accused his ex-managers of molesting and raping him and his groupmates. Raz B has been very vocal about these allegations and Chris Brown used it during last night's playground tether ball throw down. It all started when Raz B flirted with RiRi via Twitter and typed out this: "Im just sittin here Thinking how can niggas like @ebenet & @ChrisBrown disrespect women as Intelligent as @HalleBerry11 @Rihanna."
And that's when Chris Brown showed everyone what he learned in anger management. Instead of taking a deep breath, counting to ten and squeezing a stress ball between his nalgas, Chris unleashed this:
@razb2k nigga you want attention! Grow up nigga!!! Dick in da booty ass lil boy
Tell me this @razb2k!! Why when the money was coming in u won't complaining about getting butplugged! #homothug!!!
I ain't deleting my tweet either!! I was minding my damn business and Peter pan decides to pop off!!! # whatalame
I'm not homophobic! He's just disrespectful!!!
merry christmas.i just gave you 20 thousand more followers.. u shouldve did this first instead of telling the world you got raped.
LOVE ALL MY SUPPORTERS and people who know my heart.HOMOPHOBE?c'mon,find a better tactic.thats pure ignorance and stupidity. i love everyone
And here's a few of Raz B's shots at Chris Brown:
Ur not homophobic, ur juz homosexual on the low!
@chrisbrown you steady talking about your career and homothugs but you have yet to respond about your boyfriend @Andre_Merritt
@Chrisbrown Since you took this that far! Dude, i wasnt Raped! what a disrespect to every Kid around the world that has been Molested!!!!!
@chrisbrown u victimize victims, ur a homophobe, ur on the down low & a woman beater. Merry Christmas & thx 4 showin every1 ur true colors
@chrisbrown how do u defend urself in that manner bro? I forgive u but u hve alot of pple 2 apologize to. u offended alot of abused pple
And this just in! Chris Brown just played the "I'm not a racist! My cousin's friend bought a car from a black guy once!" card:
http://twitpic.com/3l8uw5 this is one of my homosexual friends who died in 05.. so stop with this nonsence.. it was an immature argument!!!
What more can I add? Chris Brown is already mouth deep in the hole he just dug himself... However, I will say that ironically enough, "Nonsence" is a great name for an all-gay R&B group.
Noted bagina basher Michael Lohan must temporarily put his "Prayer Circle 4 Lindsay" media tour on hold, because the cunt plug has problems of his own to deal with. Michael's fiance Kate Major went to the police earlier this week after he allegedly Mel Gibson-ed her ass by calling her a cunt before kicking her in the face. The Southampton Police Department in New York has charged Michael with second degree harassment. A judge also threw an Order of Protection at Michael barring him from trying to get at Kate in any way.
In the police report, Kate states that Michael flipped out at her, because he's afraid she's going to leave him: "My fiance Michael Lohan came home while I was sleeping in a sofa chair. He woke me up, yelling, 'Why didn't you pick up your cell phone, you stupid cunt.' He then turned over the chair while I was still in it, tossing me to the floor. I crawled to the other side of the room to get away from him. He walked over to me, took his shoe off and kicked me in my face while I was still on the ground. He stood over me and said, 'I'm going to go back to jail cause of you, cause I will kill you.'"
The cop who took Kate's complaint wrote on the report that she had swelling on her upper lip.
The section 8 Mel Gibson admits to TMZ that he did have a fight with Kate, but he swears on his favorite black tank top that he never brought the violence on her. Michael said that Kate was drunk at the time of the fight.
Lindsay is in a jail room, and Michael Lohan might be headed towards checking into one... Hmm.... There has to be something the cops can nab White Oprah for. Delusioning in the first degree? Running a child famewhore ring? Being mean to ice cream (that has to be illegal)? Assaulting her pores with the diarrhea from a fake tanner bottle?
QUICK! Put Nana Lohan under the light and get her to talk! Actually, Nana Lohan is probably sick of White Oprah stealing her meds, so she'll sing if you give her a caramel square.
If you know who photographer Terry Richardson is then you pretty much already know he's a proud perverted pervert who whips his peen out like a party favor. Oh, shit. That was a new tongue twister! A tongue twister that will make you want to cry in a hot shower after saying it. Anyway, Terry's gross ways aren't exactly new news, but lately it seems that ladies are coming forward to call him out on it.
Last week, supermodel Rie Rasmussen told the New York Post that she believes Terry manipulates young naive models into taking off their clothes for his camera. Rie thinks that the girls don't say shit, because they are afraid it might piss off their agency or mess up their careers. And today, The Gloss published a piece by lady named Jamie Peck who posed for Terry twice when she was 19.
Jamie writes that her first session with Terry was fine. Although, Terry did ask her to call him Uncle Terry. Note: You probably should be concerned if someone seriously asks you to call them uncle and a quick search on Ancestry.com shows that you are not related to them in any way.
The second time Jamie posed for Terry is when things got interesting. In Jamie's own words:
Uncle Terry was feeling frisky that day! I told him I had my period so I wanted to keep my underwear on, and he asked me to take my tampon out for him to play with. “I love tampons!” he said, in that psychotically upbeat way that temporarily convinces so many girls that what’s fun for Uncle Terry is fun for them. (I can just imagine him chirping, “Why don’t you wear these fairy wings while I fuck you in the ass? Wouldn’t that be like, so fun?” to some attenuated girl fresh off the boat from Eastern Europe. Either the man’s totally delusional, or he gets off on the fact that many of these things are not, in fact, very much fun for the girls.) I politely declined his offer to make tea out of my bloody cunt plug. It was then that he decided to just get naked.
Before I could say “whoa, whoa, whoa!” dude was wearing only his tattoos and waggling the biggest dick I’d ever seen dangerously close to my unclothed person (granted, I hadn’t seen very many yet). “Why don’t you take some pictures of me?” he asked. Um, sure.
I’m not sure how he maneuvered me over to the couch, but at some point he strongly suggested I touch his terrifying penis. Who the heck specifically requests a handjob, that most unpopular of sex acts which, were we casting a sex act version of The Breakfast Club, would undoubtedly play the part intended for Anthony Michael Hall? I’ll tell you: high school boys and Terry Richardson. Not that I would’ve preferred him to request anything else, I’m just sayin’: if you ask for an H.J., you are aiming low with complete knowledge that the girl is not into it.
This is where I zoom out on the situation. I can remember doing this stuff, but even at the time, it was sort of like watching someone else do it, someone who couldn’t possibly be me because I would never touch a creepy photographer’s penis. The only explanation I can come up with is that he was so darn friendly and happy about it all, and his assistants were so stoked on it as well, that I didn’t want to be the killjoy in the room. My new fake friends would’ve been bummed if I’d said no.
I must have said something about finals, because he told me, “if you make me come, you get an A.” So I did! Pretty fast, I might add. All over my left hand. His assistant handed me a towel.
There's not much for me to say, but I will thank Jamie for giving me today's phrase that pays (you with images only a therapist can erase from your mind): CUNT PLUG!