Vanilla Gorilla

And just like that, Sandra Bullock's marriage to Vanilla Gorilla has officially been shoved into the exhaust pipe of a speeding bus headed directly for a fully fueled cargo plane. Sandra legally quit Vanilla Gorilla's ass on April 23rd, and TMZ says the two signed papers last week making the divorce final.

Sandra and Vanilla Gorilla both didn't ask for spousal support and he pretty much agreed to leave with what he came in with so it made the divorce process pretty easy. With Sandra's divorce being complete she can now adopt Baby Louis as a single parent.

Maybe it's because we're used to greedy bitches fighting over every cent during a divorce battle, but that felt like it was over in a quick second. It takes Boobshit McGross more time to make her clitoris give the Hitler salute (a popular party trick)! But in Boobshit's defense, it takes her a little while to lift up her clit, because the warts weigh it down so much.

During Vanilla Gorilla's interview with Nightline's Vicky Mabrey, which aired last night, he said that while he was in rehab for sticking his dick into any orifice that spits back he learned that the physical abuse he suffered as a child had something to do with why he cheated on Sandra Bullock. VG claims that his father Joe Jackson-ed him several times and even broke his arm once. VG's father has denied all of this.

VG went on to explain that getting his ass whooped by his father turned him into an insecure man with major abandonment issues. VG says that he never felt he was good enough for Sandra, which caused him to fuck around with dumpster skanks behind her back.

VG said, "I grew up with a huge amount of shame and fear and abandonment on my shoulders from a very young age and I think, you know, the way my mind rationalized cheating. 'Well, you know, I might as well do whatever I can to like run her off cause she is going to find out what I am anyway and leave me anyway.' The struggle within myself for the things that I did ...to damage marriage and my life and everything else, it's all me. I'm doing it because, you know, I've basically never felt good enough for anyone."

VG also doesn't think he's addicted to pussy in a chronic way, “I don’t think I have a sex addiction where I’m running around trying to have sex with everyone and I can’t stop. I think I do things to sabotage myself, including having extramarital affairs, texting, over-working myself, injuring myself, doing stunts and stupid things. I do a lot of things in my life that I shouldn’t be doing that aren’t conducive to being a good husband. The affair is just one of them.”

I'm happy (not really) for Vanilla Gorilla that he's seen the light, but didn't a "Maybe I need therapies" thought bubble ever pop up over his head while he was sucking on Bombshell McGee's Swastika tattoo for the first time? The light just happened to fall into his lap after the bitch got caught? Okay.

I never got my ass beat hardcore as a child, so I won't comment on his child abuse excuse. And just for the record, my abuelita slapping me in the ass with her chankla isn't abuse. It's a lesson! My abuelita told me to say that.

You know, now that I think about it my mother not giving us soda as kids is a form of child abuse. So that's the reason why I'm such a dumb slut with the morals of a subway rat.

A clip of VG's interview is below:

Vanilla Gorilla's latest wah wah wah airs on Nightline tonight, and he says he decided to sit down for an interview so that he can explain that touching Nazi picture of him which Bombshell McGee keeps rolled up and tucked under her Hitler clitler at all times.

Vanilla Gorilla says that he took the picture as a joke and he doesn't have a racist bone in his body. VG's racist bone better hope John Mayer's David Duke dick doesn't start talking, because I'm pretty sure they take turns bringing donuts to the Klan meetings every week.

VG said, "I could tell by the look on my face it was a joke that was funny then, probably for a minute, but then looking at it in the context of now and in my life, it's not funny... There's not a racist bone in my body."

VG also said that he didn't care that the baby he adopted with Sandra Bullock is black, because they just wanted to give a home to the kid who needed them the most, "My only prerequisite for adopting a baby: I want the baby that needs us the most. To see her in the role as mother is, like, one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. She is like a fish to water ... as soon as she put that baby into her hands, it was automatic and amazing. I found a new trust for her, like I knew she wasn't going to leave, and our relationship blossomed."

Vanilla Gorilla needs to eat his own fist for several reasons. First of all, bitch says his relationship with Sandra blossomed after they adopted Baby Louis, yet he continued to text all his whores? The only things that blossomed were the herp warts on his dick from fucking all those skanks. Second of all, the sound of his voice makes me want to sharpen a pencil with my teeth to poke my ear drums out with.

The latest clip from VG's interview is below. Put all the pencils away before hitting play.

A few seconds into the preview for Vanilla Gorilla's interview with ABC's Vicki Mabrey, she asks him if he cheated on Sandra Bullock and responds with a flat "YUP." Like she just asked the bitch if he likes ketchup on his hot dog, which he does but only Heinz!

And then a few seconds later, the self-proclaimed "Most Hated Man in the World" (Osama bin Laden just shank eyed VG) spews douche water from his eyes and has to leave the room. Maybe the camera man's yarmulke fell off his head? Who knows, but cry me a fucking river and then stick your head in it.

via HuffPo

Vanilla Gorilla, who is fresh out of sex rehab, has something to say about Sandra Bullock divorcing his ass and raising a baby by herself. VG's statement is long, but the short version is: "Attention all tattooed whores who get wet at the mention of Mein Kampf, the line forms to the left!"

And here's the complete version courtesy of Sandra Bullock Weekly (aka People Magazine):

"My whole life has been full of hard decisions.

The decision to let my wife end our marriage, and continue the adoption of Louis on her own, has been the hardest. The love I have for Louis cannot be put to words. Not having him around to love and to hold has left a huge hole in my heart.

Sandy is the love of my life, but considering the pain and devastation I have caused her, it would be selfish to not let her go. Right now it is time for me to beat this addiction that has taken two of the things I love the most in life.

I have always taken great pride in proving people wrong. That time has come once again to show that I am not what everyone says I am. I know in my heart that I can be the best father possible to my four children, and the mate Sandy deserves, and realize that this is an incredible mountain to climb. But I believe that the steps I have taken in the last 30 days are the foundation for making this happen. The lifelong commitment I am making is what being a real husband and father is all about.

I ask that you please do not judge Sandy for the things I have done. She has done no wrong. She played no part in any of this. She has been an amazing wife, mother, and best friend, for the over 6 years we have been together."

Let Sandra end their marriage? Now I know he means that he's not contesting the divorce, but his choice of words make it sound like he's expecting Sandra to send him a teddy bear holding a heart-shaped "thank you" card. I really doubt Sandra send him an eVite that read, "Will you let me divorce you?"

It sort of reminds me of the time I caught a boyfriend cybersexing (it was the late 90s) with a bunch of bottom bitch whores all over the country. I changed his AOL (again, late 90s) password and security question, and then told all of his internet sluts to go cyber eat a different cyber dick. Well, bitch retaliated by throwing all my shit into the hallway of our apartment building when I wasn't home. When I got home that night, my stuff was everywhere in the hallway. My Barbie, my Tickle Me Elmo, my bag of flavored lubes...EVERYTHING!

Just when I was about to storm into the apartment to curse his ass out, he strolled out of the front door and said, "I packed for you. You're welcome." Before I could beat him in the face with Elmo (his cries of pain mixed with Elmo's cackle would've been sweet music to my ears), he looked me in the eye and said in a serious tone, "I saved you a lot of time." He later told me that he seriously felt he was doing me a favor by taking all my stuff out of the drawers for me. Bitch was, is and forever will be crazy.

I mean, I had to do the walk of shame to my car while holding a fucking Barbie. And not any Barbie, but a Cheerleader Barbie! Honestly, I wouldn't have been as mortified if it was a different kind of Barbie. Cheerleader Barbie? Embarrassing!

So fuck you, Vanilla Gorilla! Take my Cheerleader Barbie and shove it up your ass!

Bombshell McGee was supposed to start her "Nazi Sluts Do It Better" club tour in Miami next week, but the venue has canceled that shit after receiving a bunch of complaints. Your Jewish nana from Boca has done good!

The operating officer at LIV, the venue for Bombshit's party, did the Kanye shrug and claimed they didn't know she liked to do herself with Swastika dildos:

“We didn't know about the Nazi stuff until today. We just thought she was some bad girl that was coming to town and wanted to host a bad girls night...

LIV is the place for the A-list to play. She does not fit with our regular programming."

Miami is already being violated by the new breed of pussy parasites the Jersey Shore whores brought to their city, so enough is enough!

Bombshell will now open her tour at the KKK's annual family picnic.

via Music Rooms

This is rich! Or should I say, this is reich! Bombshell McGee is the one who made this mess public when she sold her tales of the Vanilla Gorilla to InTouch Weekly for $30,000, and now she's throwing Sandra Bullock a flurry or "I'm sorries" for MAKING THIS PUBLIC!

This is the kind of bitch right here that will shank you in the asshole in front of everyone, watch you cry as your anus bleeds, and then hug you while telling you she's so sorry. Dies hündin!

In an interview with Australia's TodayTonight, Boobshit barfed out this nonsense: "I do feel guilty. I feed bad for Sandra. Wait, she doesn't have any Jewish blood in her, right?"

No, she didn't say that last part, but she was probably thinking it. Boobshit went on to say, "I'm sorry for your embarrassment. I'm sorry all this is public. I'm sorry for everything. She must be hurt, devastated, upset, embarrassed. I want to give her a heartfelt apology. I'm sorry for her embarrassment and pain. I do feel really bad about it. I feel like I was duped just as much as Sandra was. I feel like I was lied to just as much as she was. If Jesse was upfront with me in the beginning, we wouldn't be in this situation."

Yes, I'm sure Bombshell cried a million tears of guilt when she deposited that $30,000 check into her account at the National Bank of Dumb Whores (my bank of choice). If Bombshell was a self-respecting whore with a drop of class, she wouldn't have went public. She would've simply rang up Vanilla Gorilla and demanded a dumpster load of cash in exchange for her silence. Didn't she watch Dynasty as a child?!

Obviously, Bombshell did it more for the publicity than the money. Don't you miss the days when whores weren't also famewhores? Sigh.

And I'm truly sorry for posting yet another picture of this rainbow of diarrhea. That was a heartfelt apology.

via E! Online

TMZ is hearing that Jesse James' three chirruns aren't living with him or their mothers. Apparently, they are staying with Sandra Bullock. What does it all mean?!!!!

This is close to being a side-eye situation, because Vanilla Gorilla shares custody of his two older kids with his first wife. VG has primary custody of his younger daughter Sunny, because her mother Janine James lives in a halfway house. Sandra's rep recently said that she has zero plans to adopt VG's three kids.

Some seem to think that this means Sandra is open to welcoming VG back into her jungle. But maybe she's taking care of the kids, because it's hard for them to do their school work and play with their toys when daddy's blasting "Horst-Wessel-Lied" from his bedroom.

Hopefully, Cinnabun snuck into one of the kids' suitcases and is now chilling at Sandra's safe house.

Sandra Bullock has already come out and said that you need to look elsewhere for a Nazi and scat-filled fuck tape (hint: Mel Gibson's attic), because she never made one with Vanilla Gorilla.

Yesterday, Vanilla Gorilla released his own statement denying the existence of ANY fuck tape starring him. There was a rumor floating around the toilet that VG made nearly a dozen tapes with several of his side-hos. VG burps to People that it ain't so:

"The claims of sex tapes are untrue and completely fabricated."

Isn't fabricated a strange word? Obviously, it makes me think of fabric, which makes me think of Jo-Ann's, which makes me think of Butterick patterns, which makes me wonder if they ever made patterns for Nazi uniforms. VG would know. But I'm digressing again...

So there you go. NO SEX TAPES. Class is released. You can go back to not giving a dick.

Sandra Bullock has unzipped her lips for the first time since the Nazi bomb dropped to respond to the rumor that she made a dirty, filthy, kinky, raunchy sex tape with her husband Vanilla Gorilla. In a statement to People, Sandra said:

"There is no sex tape. There never has been one and there never will be one."

Sandra didn't say anything about the 12 fucks tapes Vanilla Gorilla allegedly made with his mistress whores. She only responded to the rumor about her supposed sex tape with VG.

So those of you sick asses out there who have been patiently awaiting a Nazi-themed sex tape featuring Miss Congeniality getting a Dirty Sanchez need to stop waiting. Actually....you can keep waiting...in the nearest therapist's office.