Vanilla Gorilla

Don't be surprised if you see an infomercial late one night for Time Life's complete collection of Vanilla Gorilla's Nazi-themed fuck tapes, because apparently he made tons of them. Why is that we never get sex tapes featuring hos we actually want to see bumping and boning (I'm staring at you, Mah Boo and Rojo Caliente)?

Some source type tells Radar that VG shot more than a dozen sex tapes with several of his side-whores. A few of the tapes are currently making the rounds on the auction block.

When this story first broke, a bunch of us joked that VG probably gives the Nazi salute when he's hitting it from the back. Well, we might not have been far from the truth, because the source says that the sex tapes are filled with Nazi shit. The source said, “What I saw was a naked woman on her knees and Jesse in a Nazi hat waving his arm in a salute. It looked like the woman’s hands were bound. He was shouting and singing and appearing to swig from a bottle of bourbon every now and then.”

Vanilla Gorilla needs to go back to Nazi school, because Hitler liked to sip from a silver cup filled with freshly squeezed naranja juice while getting a beej. Not bourbon.

Radar's source didn't say anything about any sex tapes co-starring Sandra Bullock, but there is a shitty (literally) rumor going around that such a tape exists. Take the rumor with an entire Morton Salt Factory, because the tape apparently features a Dirty Sanchez, a shotgun, handcuffs and a Nazi hat.

At this point, I really wouldn't be surprised if we learned that this entire Nazi-ery spectacle is being produced by Leo Bloom and Max Bialystock. This is seriously the worst fucking show ever.

The Vanilla Gorilla is on the loose! Maybe. A source close to Jesse James tells Star Magazine that he has checked out of sex rehab after only one week. Jesus Christ obviously performed his one Easter miracle by curing VG's peen of its hunger for the vag.

The source went on to say that VG left Arizona's Sierra Tucson very recently and is currently hiding out at a friend's house. The source added, "All of Jesse's pals have been talking about it. It seems Jesse just isn't that serious about rehab after all."

Who knows if this has anything to do with the moving trucks that were spotted outside of Sandra Bullock and VG's house in Seal Beach, CA.

Apparently, VG only shuffled off to rehab to save his marriage, so maybe he bounced out of there when he realized that Sandra is going divorce his STD-ridden ass anyway. Or maybe VG's peen dragged him out of there when he was told that he couldn't....you know....fuck in rehab. That's a boner breaker.

Jesse James' lawyer Mr. Yanny is still on top of the waaaahmbulance crying about how his client is going through a hard time.

Mr. Yanny tells the Associated Press (via HuffPo) that all the rumors surrounding Vanilla Gorilla's affairs have left him broken. What I think Mr. Yanny really meant is that Vanilla Gorilla's got a broken boner from pounding trick ho after trick ho. Here's Mr. Yanny's full statement:

"This whole thing has destroyed Jesse's entire universe. Right now, he's a broken man. The allegations (i.e. Like how he knocked up one of his side-pieces) back and forth about what happened – those are private matters to be resolved between a husband and a wife. It's not appropriate for a public airing. It's nothing but voyeurism at this point. Enough is enough. There are many more significant things in the world that people ought to be talking about and delving in to.

Jesse is in love with Sandra. The single most important thing to Mr. James and the children is that the marriage somehow survive."

Poor VG. Try to squeeze out a fart of sympathy for him this weekend.

Vanilla Gorilla's lawyer Joe Yanny has issued a statement to CNN regarding the picture of his client giving the Nazi salute while wearing a Nazi hat. Just picture in your head that Mr. Yanny looks like this. It'll make things go down smoother.

Anyways, Mr. Yanny has played the old "Well, He's Friends With Jews" card. Mr. Yanny said that the Nazi hat was a gag gift from Vanilla Gorilla's godfather who is Jewish. Always blaming the Jews!

Mr. Yanny added that VG is not cut from the same Jew-hating cloth as Mel Gibson since he lived in an Israeli kibbutz for one whole month. Yeah, and I'm sure he's circumcised and once watched 10-minutes of a Woody Allen movie a few years ago. Joe wants it known that just because VG collects Nazi memorabilia does not mean he dresses up as Hitler and fucks an Eva Braun Real Doll in the back room.

You know, Mr. Yanny should've saved that excuse for another day and simply said, "APRIL FOOL'S!"

Thanks to Life & Style, I will never be able to enjoy the tastes of the rainbow without thinking about Jesse James' foursome that involved Skittles and a latex glove. You've gone too far when you start to taint the delicious taste of fruit candies.

The good news is that Vanilla Gorilla was not using Skittles as anal beads. I know that's where your filthy brain went. Apparently, VG had a foursome with some trick named Skittles Valentine (bitch obviously got that name from the drag queen name generator), her boyfriend Eric MacDougall, and Bombsite McGee. Eric tells Life & Style that they all got down and dirty after a tattoo festival in San Diego last June.

Bombshit brought VG into Eric's tattoo shop to get his octopus tattoo filled in. One thing led to another, and the four found themselves creating new types of STDs in the back room. Skittles says, "Eric and I were having sex, so we switched off, and Jesse and I had sex. I had an awesome time. I think Jesse is so cute." Just when you think it couldn't get trashier, the fuck games ended when Bombskank beat on Skittles for spending too much time with Vanilla Gorilla. Is Seth MacFarlane producing foursomes now?

And what about that latex glove? Eric says that although they didn't use protection, he might have used a latex glove as a condom. Eric explains, "I don't know. Sometimes as a last-case scenario I tie a latex glove finger off."

So basically, Eric is trying to tell you to never ever have sex with him no matter what. First of all, your genitals will end up with the sicks if you do. Second of all, Eric's peen must be Jon Gosselin-sized if he can fit it into the finger of a latex glove. Skittles can keep him.

And in case you need a visual, here's a beautiful picture of Eric and Skittles. Yup, Skittles really does love her Skittles.

Heil to the no! The much talked about photo of Jesse James giving the Nazi salute has arrived courtesy of SS US Weekly. And because Jesse really wanted to make his kids proud, he wore an SS officer's hat while sticking an open palm up Hitler's ass. Just in time for Passover. Pass the brisket.

According to UsWeekly (via ONTD), the picture was taken back in 2004 while he was dating Sandra Bullock. VG's friends say he isn't on David Duke's Fav 5. They say VG took the picture for "shock value." If this picture wasn't meant for public eyes, who exactly is he trying to shock? This fucktard probably surrounds himself with morons who think shit like this is entertaining, so how is it pearl-clutching? No wonder Cinnabun keeps trying to quit his ass. I always knew deep down she was kosher. And Vanilla Gorilla and John Mayer's white supremacist dick should really do a reality show together.

In other VD (on purpose typo) news, Vanilla Gorilla has copied Tiger Woods' douche moves by checking into rehab for sex addiction. TMZ reports that VG is a patient at Sierra Tuscon in Arizona. They even spoke to Sierra Tuscon's receptionist who confirmed that VG is a patient there. I can also confirm that Sierra Tuscon's former receptionist (let's call her Crystal) is now standing in the back of the unemployment line this morning.

While I do believe that sex addiction is a real thing, I don't think Vanilla Gorilla suffers from that shit. Dude is just a straight up cheating whore who likes to eat Nazi poon as if it was the last day of the war. Nothing more, nothing less. If being a whore with no morals means you have a case of chronic dickmatization (or vagmatization), then all of us should be in rehab. Wait. If all us whores were in rehab, we wouldn't have to spends hours on Craigslist looking for a piece. Rehab would be like an all-you-can-fuck buffet. Grab your lube bag, and let's go!

Soon Vanilla Gorilla will be able to suck on a dozen swastika-adorned snatches out in the open, because word on the block is that Sandra Bullock will stick divorce papers up his ass. A source tells Radar that as mistresses continue to fall from the sky, Sandra is making plans to officially leave Vanilla Gorilla, because she's already been in one bus crash and she's not going to do it again. The source added that Sandra is meeting with a divorce lawyer, “She’s had enough. She’s ending the marriage.”

Hopefully, Sandra divorce negotiations with Vanilla Gorilla will look something like this:

Sandra's rep hasn't confirmed this shit, but they did respond to the rumors that she's planning to adopt Vanilla Gorilla's chirruns with his ex-wife. Cinnabun can stop making plans to hide in one of the kids' suitcases, because it's not going to happen. The rep said, "There are no plans, nor have there ever been any plans, for Sandra Bullock to adopt any of Jesse James's children."

Finally, Radar also reports that Sandra has left her Hollywood Hills home and is now hiding out in some "undisclosed location." My guess is that she's hiding in Keanu Reeve's cardboard house under the bridge, because not even a sewer rat (aka Jesse James) would go there.

So now you have a few things to talk about with your fuck buddy during that awkward in-between moment. You know, that moment where you're covered in his love and waiting for him to get you a baby wipe (a curtsy to Terrence Howard).

Jesse James' alleged fourth side-piece has decided to take a seat in the audience instead of performing in Vanilla Gorilla's Circus of Whores.

The ho in question, who has been described as a model and business woman, hired Gloria Allred to represent her in case she decided to go public with her story. Gloria said that mistress whore #4 (that really should be the name of fragrance) has hundreds of text messages and pictures proving that she mashed Vanilla Gorilla's banana for more than three years.

But now none of us will see these so-called text messages, but she has slipped back into her cleavage and won't share anytime soon. Gloria tells Radar today, “The woman has decided she will not tell her story.”

I think it's safe to assume that Vanilla Gorilla sealed her lips with a PayPal kiss. Gloria Allred is seriously a master at the whore game. Her client gets to finally make a down payment on that townhouse in the Valley she's been eyeing, and she gets to do it without being thrown into the same skank pile as Boobshit McGee.

And here we have an extremely disappointing picture of Vanilla Gorilla's Nazi mistress Bombshell McGee worshiping at the altar of the Three Wolf Moon T-shirt (as worn by one of her friends). The picture is courtesy of TMZ who claims Vanilla Gorilla left the t-shirt behind in a hotel room after bumping swastikas with Boobshit. Yeah, more like the t-shirt left his ass, because we all know the three wolves favorite movie is Practical Magic. It says so on their Match.com ad.

This picture is disappointing, because the three wolves were that close to Boobshit's face and they didn't maul her! While I understand that their main priority is moon howling, they could've taken a few seconds off to bite at Boobshit's face. Not only that, but they were also close to Vanilla Gorilla's nut bag and they didn't bite at that either! You just gotta shake your head at them. They have let us all down. Are they really made of magic? Sigh.

Jesse James' side-ho Bombshit McGee has attacked all the shit talkers hiding behind a keyboard by throwing shit at us while hiding behind a keyboard. Okay. Even playing field. Bombshit wrote this on her Twitter and Facebook accounts:

"For all you internet warriors on here talking shit...it's easy to place judgement when your sitting behind a keyboard. Get off your God dam high horse, your shit don't smell like roses either. Let him who is without sin cast the first stone...in other words FUCK YOU"

It's nice to know that she goes to bible study in between choreographing a striptease to "Die Fahne Hoch" and shaving her pubic hair in the shape of Hitler's stache. Now I haven't read one word in the Bible for at least a million years, so correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think Jesus ever said, "in other words FUCK YOU." If I remember correctly what he really said was, "in other words FUCK YE, BITCHES." Git it right, Boobshit!

via HuffPo