Justin Bieber

When Justin Bieber was in Norway last year, the Mayor of Oslo almost had to declare a State of Emergency after thousands of crazed Beliebers trampled over each other while trying to get to their Jesus. Bieber Fever is the #1 mental illness affecting children in Norway. So because of this, five schools in western Norway have moved midterm exams a week later so students can go and see the most famous dancing fetus in the world on April 16th and 17th and in Oslo.

Time says that the five schools are 230 miles away from Oslo, so students would have to miss exams to drive to and from the concert. Norway's education minister said that she's not going to shoot down the schools' decision:

“I am concerned that students should be concentrating when they take tests and midterms. The local schools have the responsibility to schedule the local midterms, and if they think there is any reason to change the dates, they have authority to do so. We’ve all been 14-years-old and know that interests can be intense.”

I just ate two raw hot dogs wrapped in two Kraft singles, so I'm obviously no expert when it comes to knowing what a good decision is, but I'm going to say that this is a good decision. If they didn't cancel midterms, half of the students would not show up, drop out of school, go on welfare, get pregnant and then raise their babies to be the next generation of Beliebers. The other half would show up with revenge in their hearts and they'd destroy all their teachers by blasting a bunch of Bieber songs.

But then again, knowing that he has the power to temporarily stop the education system in Norway is going to make Justin Bieber's already expanding head grow bigger. His head is just a few inches away from being as big as the planet. We're doomed either way.

Here's Justin Bieber on the cover of Fetus Vogue throwing a demure and distressed over-the-shoulder look that an innocent Southern ingenue might throw when she wants a young gentleman to throw his wool coat over the puddle that's blocking her way. (Or maybe that's a "You want me to put that long thing WHERE, Uncle Usher?" look.) The smoldering Beanie Baby took some time out from his advanced potty training classes to talk to Teen Vogue (via HuffPo) about fame and he was as humble and down-to-earth as he always is. The Biebs said that God filled his tiny fetus twink body with the spirit of Mother Teresa, because he believes that his purpose in life is to help people. The Biebs also said that just like Jay-Z, he doesn't need to entertain rumors, because he's that big of a superstar.

Here are the reasons why my "bitch, please" muscle is going to be as sore as hell today:

Bieber on how he's too big to answer to rumors: "I know who I am, and I'm very much in control. I don't need to address every speculation. Remember when Cam'ron dissed Jay-Z? Jay-Z didn't even respond. Why didn't he respond? He didn't need to respond because he's Jay-Z."

Bieber on how his friends and family call him by his first name: "My dad, my mom, Ryan [Good]. Ryan and Chaz [his friends from home]. [Lil] Twist is my best friend. They don't see me as Justin Bieber, but just see me as Justin."

Bieber on how his song "Yellow Raincoat" is some deep shit (Side note: I always thought "Yellow Raincoat" was about pissing in a condom or having protected golden shower sex): "It started as a warm-up guitar riff—it's got that Tracy Chapman meets Eric Clapton vibe. When I heard it I thought it was brilliant. In the studio, I said something that sounded like 'raincoat,' and I liked it. I was thinking of what I was going through. The raincoat is a metaphor for putting up a wall, not letting anyone affect what I do, because I know who I am and what type of person I am. It doesn't matter what they say, I've got this yellow raincoat covering me."

Bieber on his purpose in life and how he hopes God forgives him for not waking up from his stoner coma to go to church: "I think that's part of the reason I'm here. Not just because I'm talented, but because God had a purpose for me to just help people. I'm spiritual ... although I slept in [and missed] church yesterday. I haven't been to church in so long, and I planned on going, and I slept in. I was upset. It's all good. God forgives me."

The beaver Jimmy Neutron can help us people by being a big kid and pulling his pants up, because nobody wants to see his Underoos. He can also help people by keeping a pacifier in his mouth, because every time he speaks, it feels like somebody shaved a layer off of my last nerve and that hurts.

But seriously, it's nice and everything that Justin thinks he's a healer of humanity, but can he stop helping the people for a second to help out his damn monkey! That poor thing is still in animal jail in Germany. The Sun says that Justin Bieber still hasn't given authorities in Germany the proper documents they need to release his monkey. Karl Joachim, the head of the Munich animal shelter where Justin's monkey is staying, says that as far as they know, the Biebs has left Munich and they can only keep the monkey for four more weeks. Karl also said that the monkey is sad:

"He is clearly traumatised at being taken away from his family. We could not get him to eat until we gave him the cuddly toy he was clinging to when he was delivered to us. This obviously acts as a kind of surrogate parent. He keeps calling a lot for company — without his toy he won’t eat at all.”

In Biebs' defense, it sounds like his monkey will be fine even if he heartlessly abandons him in Germany (which he will). The monkey's current mommy is a stuffed animal with polyester fluff for brains and his last mommy was a stuffed animal with polyester fluff for brains. But at least his current mommy won't shit on him and blow weed smoke in his face when they cuddle. That monkey is in a better place.

And here's more of Justin in Teen Vogue looking like the laxatives just kicked in.

The spanking monkey jokes write themselves....

Because Justin Bieber's diapers are filled with delusions, he thinks he's the second coming of Michael Jackson, so of course he has his own pet monkey. Bubbles is not impressed. The Biebs flew into Munich on Thursday with his pet capuchin monkey (a gift from some producer) and while going through customs, officials told the come-to-life Kid Sister doll that he didn't have the right paperwork and they'd have to quarantine his monkey. A customs spokeswhore told the NYDN that the monkey is currently in quarantine jail. The Biebs will have to pay whatever it costs to take care of his monkey and he'll probably be hit with a £10,000 fine.

Unlike the Biebs, that monkey is probably potty-trained, knows better than to spit in a trick's face, doesn't crash a $200,000 sports car every other week and wears pants that fit, and it's the one who gets put into quarantine?! Everything is wrong with that. If this world was a right place, Justin would be the one in quarantine jail and that monkey would be the one screeching and thrusting its crotch for thousands of fans. Germany's got the wrong monkey.

And seriously, we all know what happened to Justin Bieber's hamster (No, it didn't get lost up in his insides after he Richard Gere'd it. It died.), so that monkey is in a better place.

Seen above walking through an airport in Lodz, Poland without a blouse on because toddlers get the coke sweats real bad, Justin Bieber is being investigated by the police in L.A. after he got into a messy screaming match with his neighbor outside of his mansion in Calabasas, CA at 9 this morning. The neighbor told the police that the thug chickenhawk got violent with him and threatened him.

TMZ says that The Lesbeater and his neighbor fought over one of his newest toys: a Ferrari. The Ferrari was delivered to Justin's house last night while he was traveling home from Europe and this morning he played with it by driving it up and down the street. The sound got on his neighbor's last nerve and he felt like Justin was endangering innocent lives by speeding down the street. The neighbor  went over to Justin's house, got in his face and they started yelling at each other. The neighbor told police that Justin physically attacked him, but the Biebs denies it. A source says that Justin went inside and his security guards escorted the neighbor off of his property.

So, some brat with too much money is annoying everybody around him by being all loud while playing with his fancy toys? I've seen this movie before. It's called Blank Check. We need Tone Loc to step in and stop the madness.

And if I got into a screaming fight of words with Justin Bieber's tiny ass and he slapped me around and I didn't slap back, the last thing I'd do is tell the police. I wouldn't tell anyone. That's like admitting that a 3'10", 50lb girl named Amber grabbed you by the hair and dragged you back and forth across the playground in the third grade. (By the way, I'm not admitting that. Amber only dragged me by the hair across the playground once! Not back and forth!)

Selena Gomez was on the Late Show last night to promote Vice Magazine: The Movie (aka Spring Breakers) and David Letterman asked her about a certain superstar fetus who was once the Vili Fualaau to her Mary Kay Letourneau. Selena said that she's completely single and then she poured a little salt on the Biebs' diaper rash. Letterman and Selena's conversation about the Biebs went like this:

Letterman: Do you date, do you go out and see, are you dating boys now?

Selena: No, not yet.

Letterman: Now I remember the last time you were here you were with a Justin Bieber.

Selena: I was with "a" Justin Bieber?

Letterman: Yeah, you were with a Justin Bieber. That's not going on now?

Selena: No, I'm single. I'm so good.

Letterman. Good. I think you're fine. The last time he was on, he and I got into a conversation and he said something and I said something and he said something and I said something, and I made him cry.

Selena: Well, then that makes two of us.

Way to ruin Justin Bieber's reputation as the thug leader of Hood Rat Stuff Nation, Selena Gomez. Selena just had to let us know that the Biebs started bawling when she put his hand on her lady boob for the first time. Selena definitely gets points for that Bieber burn, but she loses points for wearing a figure skater's mourning outfit out in public.

Nothing make you forget the week of woe you've had like getting a new look, so Justin Bieber sprinkled a few Chia pet seeds above his lip and is trying grow a stache. Instead of laughing we should all be impressed that a fetus can actually grow a thin layer of peach fuzz above his lip. Yes, he looks like a 14-year-old girl after getting her stache bleached and I've seen more hair on an actual peach, but the toddler Vanilla Ice has still achieved the impossible. So butch, so manly.

And I should be proud of myself for achieving the impossible: I made it through that post without making one Dirty Sanchez joke.

Source: @justinbieber via ONTD

Proving once again that mountains of money and fame can turn a toddler into a real insufferable thorn stuck in humanity's ass lips, Justin Bieber typed out an "F U HATERZ!" rant on Instagram against the media for saying that his management and family are going to put him in rehab, because they think he's losing it. This was a good idea, because nothing shows that you've got it together like a rambling, typo-filled, delusional rant of mega douche proportions.

The Biebs shat out the rant on Instagram earlier today, but one of his babysitters quickly deleted it and replaced it with a message that was slightly less douchey. But in his original rant, Bieber tells the media to suck on the lumpiest part of his diaper, because his piggy bank is stuffed to the top and his head is screwed on straight. Justin Bieber knows the latter part is 100% true, because he just had his head re-tightened at the Baby Alive factory. The Biebs also really told the intervention experts when he said that he doesn't need rehab, because he's 19 and a huge star. And somebody should turn the garden hose on White Oprah, who is probably passed out drunk on the front lawn, because she's going to need to come at the Biebs for hating on her innocent child.

Here's the Biebs' rant and I can't make fun of his typos. I make more typos and I'm sure it's not easy using Speak & Spell to edit your rants. via ET

"I'm tired of all the countless lies in the press right now. Saying I'm going to rehab and how my family is disappointed in me. My family is beyond proud. If Anyone believes i need rehab thats their own stupidity lol I'm 19 with 5 number one albums, 19 and I've seen the whole world. 19 and I've accomplished more than I could've ever dreamed of, i'm 19 and it must be scary to some people to think that this is just the beginning. I know my talent level and i know i got my head on straight. i know who i am and i know who i'm not My messege is to to believe. I honestly don't care if you don't believe in me because I believe in me, and look where that's gotten me so far.. I'm writing this with a smile on my face and love in my heart.

Letting u know first hand how I feel rather than have these story linger. I'm a good person with a big heart. And don't think I deserve all of this negative press I've worked my ass off to get where I am and my hard work doesn't stop here. i'm growing up finding myself while having people watch me and criticise me everyday i think im doing pretty damn good. And to those comparing me to Lindsey Lohan. Look at her 2012 tax statements."

Yeah, the Biebs' transformation into Aaron Carter is right on schedule. Damn at that last line. The Beliebers must've slid off their high chairs when their mommies read them that line.

I can't wait for Lindsay Lohan to file a $100 billion lawsuit against this entitled douche for using her name for publicity and slandering her pristine image as a responsible, tax-paying citizen. And I hope she wins. Screw Justin Bieber for making me feel bad for Lindsay Lohan for five seconds.

And TMZ has screen shots of the Biebs' original rant if you want to see it.

Jada Pinkett Smith took a little break from screaming at Willow to throw that math homework in the trash and sing, child, sing to sit down and write an open letter to the media and everyone else on Facebook (via HuffPo) about the "bullying" (buzz word, buzz word) of young celebrities. Jada Pinkett Smith did her best Chrissy Crocker impersonation and screamed at everyone to leave Justin Bieber, RiRi and Taylor Swift aloooooooooooooooone.

One of Scientology's down low disciples wants us all to remember when were Taylor Swift's age and we were innocently working with our PR team to perfectly craft a sellable image using the songs we wrote about our ex-boyfriends. Remember that?! Jada wants us to remember when we were Justin Bieber's age and were throwing tantrums in our weed smoke-filled dressing rooms while our parents sat in the mansion we bought, because they don't want to get jobs. Remember that?! Remember that while reading what Jada wrote:

This last week, I had to really evaluate the communication in regard to our young artists in the media. I was trying to differentiate cyber-bullying from how we attack and ridicule our young stars through media and social networks. It is as if we have forgotten what it means to be young or even how to behave like good ol' grown folk. Do we feel as though we can say and do what we please without demonstrating any responsibility simply because they are famous?

Is it okay to continually attack and criticize a famous 19 year old who is simply trying to build a life, exercise his talents while figuring out what manhood and fame is all about as he carries the weight of supporting his family as well as providing the paychecks to others who depend on him to work so they can feed their families as well? Does that render being called a cunt by an adult male photographer as you try to return to your hotel after leaving the the hospital? Or what about our nine year old beautiful Oscar nominee who was referred to as a cunt as well? Or what about being a young woman in her early twenties, exploring the intracacies of love and power on the world stage? And should we shame a young woman for displaying a sense of innocence as she navigates through the murky waters of love, heartbreak, and fame? Are these young people not allowed to be young, make mistakes, grow, and eventually transform a million times before our eyes? Are we asking them to defy the laws of nature because of who they are? Why can't we congratulate them for the capacity to work through their challenges on a world stage and still deliver products that keep them on top.

We all know how hard it is to keep our head above water, even in the privacy of our own homes let alone on the world stage. Imagine yourself, at their age, with the spotlights, challenges and responsibilities. Most of us would have fallen to the waste side before we could even get to a crashed Ferrari, a controversial romance, several heart breaks, or an Oscar nomination at NINE. We WISH we could have had the capacity to accomplish HALF of what they have accomplished along with ALL these challenges they face. But...maybe THAT'S the problem...we WISH we could have or even...we WISH we could.

Don't tell me what to do, Jada! You're not my mom! Stop eating my food! Get out of my house! I hate you!

But seriously, Jada also slapped down a friend in an open letter on Facebook, because the friend wasn't making her blended family work and she needs to WOMAN UP and stop coming between her man and her man's children with another woman. So my question is, when did Jada become the Dear Abby of Facebook even though nobody was asking for her advice? I liked Jada so much better when she was in that shitty metal band.

Here's Jada leaving her hotel with Willow a few weeks ago.

Well...except for his bodyguard, because dude is obviously picking the Biebs up and putting him in the time out corner. No juice for you, Bieby!

I guess posing topless for the Beliebers was just the medicine Justin Bieber needed, because it looks like he has fully recovered and is back to bringing some hood rat stuff vengeance on the tricks who try to screw with him. TMZ has a hilarious video of the Biebs puffing his tiny chest while trying to beat up a pap in London today. After Justin sashayed out of his hotel, he pushed up against a melodramatic pap while making his way to a van. The pap knew that the easiest way to make a grouchy toddler even grouchier is to egg him on, which is exactly what the pap did.

Justin jumped inside of the van, but he obviously heard the pap shouting shit like, "Fuck off back to America, you little fucking moron," because he jumped out and threatened to take the pap down. The Biebs screamed at the pap, "I'll fucking beat the fuck out of you," before his hot bodyguards picked him up like the 15 pound baby he is and dropped him back in the van.

Just like I do whenever I watch Henery Hawk try to get gangsta on Looney Tunes, I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed while watching Justin Bieber try to fight a bitch. The Biebs is about as threatening as a baby lamb's saliva bubble. The Biebs couldn't even beat the fuck out of my broken Tickle-Me-Elmo doll. If Justin's bodyguards weren't there to hold him back, bro, the pap could've easily handled that situation. When Justin Bieber comes at you, all you have to do is hold your hand against his forehead and roll your eyes as he furiously punches the air.

But his people should've known this was going to happen. Everybody knows how cranky toddlers get when you wake them up from a nap.

Justin Bieber really is a musical genius, because he knows that Janice Joplin is really underrated and way more talented than Janis Joplin. We should never question his tastes again.

Proving once again that toddlers can't handle their weed, Justin Bieber collapsed on stage in London tonight after he had trouble breathing. If Justin would pull up his pants, he wouldn't trip and collapse on the damn stage. But anyway, E! News says that during his show at London's O2 Arena tonight, the Canadian Beanie Baby had to dramatically run off stage. After a few minutes, the Biebs' manager Scooter Braun (I still can't believe that's a name that exists in this world) told the Beliebers that he couldn't breathe and was getting oxygen from the EMTs. (insert your oxygen thief jokes here) Surprisingly enough, the Beliebers didn't jump the stage to run to his dressing room to give his cooch-to-mouth resuscitation.

All the Beliebers waited and cheered his name. After about 15 minutes, Justin, being the Canadian Jesus that he is, rose up above and went on with the show. Once the show ended, he went to the hospital where he took this picture that is making my eyes dry heave. Well, at least Justin Bieber changed up his facial expression for this picture. Usually he's making an "I said just the tip!" face and this time he's making a "my butt's too sore to lie on" face.

Some people are saying that this is all just a STUNT QUEEN move from the Biebs to get sympathy after he got booed for showing up late to his show on Monday night. For a quick second, I thought to myself, "Would a ho really fake falling and not being able to breathe just to get some good PR?" But then I remembered that I did the same thing on a weekly basis to get out of going to class in junior high class.

(Pic via Instagram, where the comments are a mess)