At around 10:12pm last night in Denver, Giuliana and Bill Rancic's leased baby oven birthed out their first kid together, a boy who weighed in at 7 pounds and 4 ounces, which is approximately 2 pounds less than what his mom weighs.
Giuliana and Bill told her overlords at E! that they named the newest cast member of their reality show "Edward Duke" and then they said these words: "Bill and I are blessed beyond words to welcome Edward into our lives. Thank you so much to everyone who supported us along the way. We are so in love with the little guy already!"
As anybody who watches Today or reads Life & Style knows, Giuliana and Bill tried for years to have a baby and had to press pause on their fetus-making plans when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. After Giuliana had a double mastectomy, they kept trying with the help of IVF, but after she had a miscarriage, they decided to use a gestational carrier. And that's the story of the making of Edward Duke.
Now about that name.... Edward Duke could be the WASPiest name I've ever heard and it also sounds like the name of a talking know-it-all Golden Retriever in a CGI movie about a bunch of dogs trying to break out of the pound.
And whatever Giuliana and Bill are doing in that picture above, they shouldn't do in front of Baby Edward Duke. It takes a fully developed stomach to handle the nose-smashing awkward shit they're doing in that picture.
A flock of pigeons out of Prince's ass carrying a dreamcatcher crashed into Phoebe Price's head, but that didn't stop the international supermodel and the hardest non-paid hustler in Hollywood from singeing the carpet fibers at the Emmys with her her charbroiling posing skills. Every year, the nominees (except for Mad Men who will still be nominated posthumously even after the show gets cremated and sprinkled into a whiskey) and host changes at the Emmys, but one thing always stays the same: Chicken Cutlets is always there to fill a bitch's seat when they're not in it and if she happens to leave a butt burp that smells like star dust and burnt bouillon on it, then they should consider themselves the real winner of the night!
I can already hear you PP haters (let's call you Incontinent-als) asking, "But Michael, it wasn't the Ho Stroll Strollers Who Don't Have A Real Job Awards, so why was PP there?!") Please do your research before you ejaculate the hate from your fingertips. I'll have you know that Chicken Cutlets played the pivotal role of "Marie - Customer with Car" in an episode of The X-Files in 1993. PP is practically TV royalty! The academy obviously knows they wronged Chicken Cutlets by not giving her an award for that groundbreaking performance, so they bring her back every year and quietly honor her in the backroom with a special ceremony (aka seat filler orientation). And PP also makes a few extra coins from handing out mints in the women's restroom during commercial breaks. The Emmys is NOTHING without her.
And here's a few pictures from last night's shit (don't worry, I'll get to the attack of Goop's gut in a second). In order: Chicken Cutlets, Kyle Richards, Chris Colfer, Christine Baranski, David Boringanus with his wife (their high school prom pose game gets an F), Elisabeth Moss, Azteca from Antz, Joel McHale with Rainn Wilson, Julia Stiles, Kelly Osbourne, Lea Michele, LL Cool J, EMMY WINNER Margo Martindale!!!!, Padma Lakshmi, Rico Rodriguez and Taraji P. Henson.
When Giuliana Rancid isn't digging tunnels in the earth for her colony queen, she's throwing shade at can't dress hos on Fashion Police and during last week's episode she barfed out a few calorie-free words about the malnourished body of the skeletal skank horse of Fantastica.
"She lost a lot of weight from all the stress in her life. She seems a little thin right now, and I think she looks great when she's a bit curvier."
The former country singer and professional full-time Twitter hooker whore of course had to scratch back at Giuliana. LeAnn Rimes put on her Tweetin' 'kini and chewed on the side of a dried carrot stem to build up her energy. LeAnn then responded with this:
Hey, we should go to dinner sometime. You get criticized all the time for how small you are. You can see just HOW much I eat and maybe put a stop to this crazy 'shrinking' once and for all.....
oh, & then we should workout together! Good luck with your restaurant!!!
How is that rude?! It's the truth. well wouldn't you?! I think it would be good. We have lots in common to chat about."
Giuliana told E! yesterday that she's not going to meet LeAnn at the foot of the dirt mound to eat at the air together anytime soon. Giuliana says she's done opening her mouth about this. But mostly because every time she opens her mouth, hos around her try to throw cheese fries into it and she's sick of spending her days wiping the salt off with Fen-Phen wipes.
"I don't see anything wrong with pointing out that someone looks good curvier. There's nothing hotter than a girl with some curves. I wish I was a curvy bombshell!...trust me!
I didn't mean it as an insult but apparently some people took it the wrong way. If someone told me they prefer me with some more weight on me...I'd give them a big, fat kiss! I think this is just a big misunderstanding and hold no hard feelings towards LeAnn. Hope to see her on a red carpet soon!"
Both of these alien-faced, lolly-headed sticks need to sit down. Specifically, they need to sit down on an Ensure enema. But really, Giuliana is lying. Dlisted has learned EXCLUSIVELY that Giuliana and Leann did meet up last night to settle this the way every bitch in the insect world settles a war and here's the footage:
DING! DING! DING! SCORE ONE FOR GIULIANA! That was Giuliana, right? Praying mantises all look the same to me.
Giuliana Rancid looks like she should be carrying a piece of leaf on her back to the ant hill, but she tells the bone-hating bitches out there to kiss her wax paper-wrapped butt bone (just remove any lip gloss before doing so, because that shit might have calories and she doesn't want it to seep into her body). Giuliano (Freudian typo) got a lot of shit when a doctor told her she had to add at least 10 pounds of fat between her bone and skin if she wanted to get pregnant, and she only gained 5 because she's a slave to the treadmill. But Giuliana tells Celebuzz that her stomach is always full of at least half of a lemon seed and she eats whatever she wants (up to two lemon seeds).
Yeah. I went to Italy, and I consumed way too many calories a day, but I didn’t care. Bill and I made a deal on the plane over that we can’t say “no” to anything, including food. Like if Bill says, “Let’s have a crepe,” I can’t say no — even though I just had a gelato, and I’m full. We indulged like crazy for two weeks, but we took really long walks in the vineyards, and we stayed active. And when we got back to Los Angeles, we were back at Equinox the next day on the treadmill.
I eat whatever I want. I never starve myself. I eat five times a day — if not more. I workout every day and bust my butt to stay in shape, which can be six to seven days a week.
Okay, so now we can all stop going on about how Giuliana is the sole reason why Jenny Craig has seen a 90% rise in skeleton sign-ups. Giuliana works very hard to get her body looking like the human embodiment of an ANTZ character. So Giuliana's haters are just fat loooooosers (the troll spelling of "loser") who can't follow the Yackins diet!
Looking like a wonk-eyed Tweetie Bird with a weave on, Giada De Laurentiis is on the cover of February's Redbook and inside she talks about the rumor that she spread her homemade pesto all over John Mayer's dicKKK and how she'll always be the perfect June Cleaver for her husband so his peen never wanders into the pussy of another. Since Giada is a TV star who makes millions of dollars, she puts on the apron when she gets home and makes sure to polish her husband's royal balls while polishing his shoes at the same time. And you wimmins out there better do the same! From HuffPo:
On the John Mayer rumor: "The John Mayer incident was completely unexpected. I was shocked. And not so much for me, but for my husband and family. . . Todd was embarassed that his family in Michigan would see it and think, What is going on over there in Hollywood?... What made it all even more surprising is that I haven't had any contact with John Mayer in three years. You know how you'll briefly get introduced to somebody? Maybe we chatted for five minutes, but I wouldn't consider that intimate.... I think the only things that could have possibly have tied us together is that we were at the same hotel that weekend in question--which, by the way, my husband was with me there as well."
On how she's into traditional husband and wife roles: "I think it can be hard for any man to sometimes be upstaged by his wife. So when I'm home, I work very hard to be Todd's wife and Jade's mother. I have no problem going back to those traditional roles. I try to be Giada, the young girl that he met 20 years ago and fell in love with. All men want to be treated like kings in a relationship, and I think if women don't indulge that sometimes, their men are likely to stray and look for someone who can give that to them."
I can't fuck with Giada's cooking show since her pronunciation of Italian recipes makes my ears wrinkle like the pepperoncinis in Olive Garden's bottomless salad. Mmmmm Olive Garden.
There's a few rumors and blind items about Giada's ho shit ways, so this is probably just her trying to keep the fresco of her as a perfect wife intact. If the blind items are true, then that fresco of Giada flashing her three rows of teeth while serving a pie don't show her side piece licking on her buns down below. Well played, Giada (not really).
Giuliana Rancic, Gaycrest's fake arch rival on E! and the star of that Giuliana & Bill show, and her husband have openly talked about how they have tried every which way to make a baby including IVF and dousing their bodies in a mixture of Lil Wayne's sperm and Michelle Duggar's amniotic fluid. And on The View a while ago, Whoopi Goldberg said that if Giuliana is so desperate to conceive she should try adding a few chunks to her Science Class Skeleton body. Giuliana bit back and said that she did gain 7 pounds, thankyouverymuch. And now, Giuliana and Bill tell UsWeekly that they are trying to have a baby again.
Giuliana was able to get pregnant earlier this year with the help of IVF, but she suffered a miscarriage shortly after. Giuliana and Bill are once again hoping that IVF will gift them with a slobbering fart blob and this time they aren't fucking around. Giuliana says that she gets up to 63 IVF shots a month, "Sometimes I have to get injections 21 days in a row, three times a day. It's a lot. But you've got to do it." And as Giuliana sticks a needle in her skin, somewhere a 13-year-old girl pops out a set of twins in the back of a Datsun and decides to name them Ke$ha and Antonia Dodson (MTV is there).
Giuliana says that if loading her eggs up with IVF doesn't work, she's open to adopting a baby or using a surrogate but she's not ready to go there yet. But when she is ready, she'll have dozens of wombs to choose from, because she says "we've gotten probably 40 women who have offered to be surrogates. And the other day I got an email saying, 'My niece is having a baby, and she's giving it up for adoption and we'd like to give it up to you."
That is the craziest thing I've ever heard. Giuliana and Bill have fans?!
Justin Bieber, BabyTV's answer to The L-Word, makes it known how much he loves cuddling up to fine honeys. Justin is always saying how his Pull-Ups get tight whenever he's around Beyonce or Rihanna. Well, he must have be in heaven at last night's Kids' Choice Awards, because the ladies flocked to him like Rojo Caliente to a sale on table saws at Home Depot.
Justin got to a spend a little time with such fine ladies as Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, Shaun White, Jasmine V and Tina Fey. Like overdosing on candy! I bet one of Justin's baby teeth fell out last night.