Janet Jackson

We already have 10 million reality shows featuring boring ass celebrities, why not add another one to the pile?! TV Guide reports that Janet Jackson will develop a new show for MTV. Janet will search churches, YMCAs and places like that to find the next big music star. She better search strip clubs too. There's some mighty fine talent in those joints.

The show will be shot in the next few months, before Janet goes off on her world tour.

Okay, I'm all for this as long as Troll Dupri co-stars in this mess! He's one of my favorite trolls, because he looks friendly and cheery. Not like those evil Olsen trolls! Troll Dupri looks like he'll dance a jig for you on command and rub your belly with his bald head when you're feeling down.

And LaToya Jackson better serve as the dance captain and stylist. If Janet doesn't involve Troll Dupri or LaToya in this shit, it's going to blow-o. Shit, it's going to blow anyway!

Here's Janet and Troll Dupri at some Cartier event last night.

Did you hear that crack? I think it's one of Janet's ribs breaking. Does she even have any ribs left?

It looks like her nose and her waist are in a competition to see who can disappear first. My cash is on her nose. I doubt that's a regular belt she's wearing. It looks more like a Eureka vacuum belt. It was the only thing that was small enough to cinch her up.

Janet Jackson is putting the heat on Cathie Jung! Cathie currently has the world's thinnest waist, but JJ is closing in. Come on Cathie! You don't need a stomach. Get rid of it! JJ is coming for you!

No wonder Janet Jackson is constantly putting out shitty music and whoring herself out on every talk show. Homegirl has to pay those bills! She has the entire Jackson family on her shoulders. According to a new report in the New York Post, Janet is the only Jackson family member that's actually doing well on her own. Marlon works at a Vons and lives in a hotel. Jackie, Jermaine and Randy still live with their parents. And Jacko....well you know about him. Let's catch up with them...shall we?

Joseph Jackson, 79 and Katherine Jackson, 77

Dad hustles various girl groups in Las Vegas. Mom is still a stay-at-home housewife and the only family member in contact with Michael. Both have previously filed for bankruptcy

Janet Jackson, 41

The current family breadwinner. She bought her mom a Vegas home in anticipation of losing the family's mansion, Hayvenhurst, to foreclosure. Like their Neverland colleagues, workers at Hayvenhurst have not been paid for months.

La Toya Jackson, 52

Family turncoat who declared Michael guilty during the 1993 molestation case, she earns a living mostly in Europe and in the UAE judging beauty and singing contests. She lives with a wealthy boyfriend in Beverly Hills and has little contact with her siblings.

Rebbie Jackson, 57

The oldest, she's married to successful businessman Nathaniel Brown.

Tito Jackson, 55

Formed a blues band several years ago and plays at small venues for $500 to $1,500 a gig.

Michael Jackson, 49

On the verge of losing Neverland ranch as well as the family's Encino, Calif., home. He's hiding out in Las Vegas and repeatedly makes promises to his brothers while sabotaging any attempts by them to ply their musical trade.

Randy Jackson, 46

Does odd jobs like changing tires to support himself. He was Michael's business manager during the 2005 molestation trial but ran into serious problems with friends after he persuaded three people to take out lines of credits against their homes to help Michael pay his attorney fees and Michael stiffed them.

Marlon Jackson, 51

Lives in San Diego, where he works stocking groceries at a Vons supermarket. He fell on hard times three years ago when he was forced to leave his foreclosed home and move into an Extended Stay America hotel with his wife, Carol.

Jackie Jackson, 56

The oldest son started an Internet clothing business and is trying to produce records by his sons. Nothing has panned out.

Jermaine Jackson, 54

Splits time between the parents' Hayvenhurst mansion and his girlfriend's home in the San Fernando Valley. With more than $5 million in federal, state and other liens against him and a 1995 bankruptcy filing, he doesn't work or have a regular income.

Come on people! It's time to get back to work. Dancing with the Stars, The Surreal Life, Celebrity Fit Club could use your D-list names! Hell, they should brush off their afro wigs and do a reunion tour in Europe. They don't need Jacko for that! LaToya can take Jacko's place and no one will ever know. Janet needs a break! You know that every time she sees one of her brothers or sisters name come up on her caller id she tells Troll Dupri, "Fuck! Tell them I'm taking a shit!"

Janet Jackson is laid up in the hospital dying of the flu, so she can't get on a plane to NYC and perform on Saturday Night Live this weekend. Lazy! Mimi will save the day. She will take Janet's place this Saturday reports UsWeekly. Mimi hasn't been on the show for 10 years.

Mimi is not sloppy seconds. Janet would have just jumped around in some latex nightmare and instead Mimi will bounce around in some lycra nightmare. See the difference? Mimi's going through her 10-room closet as we speak looking for the perfect mini-tank dress and hoochie heels.

The only way they could make her appearance even better is if she played Mary Carey in a "Celebrity Rehab" skit. Get on it, SNL writers!

Here's Mimi working the streets of NYC yesterday.

Janet Jackson was taken to Cedars-Sinai yesterday after she complained about having trouble breathing. Her rep told UsWeekly that she's being treated for the flu, “Janet is fine. She’s just battling this flu like everyone else.”

Uh...huh...more like getting her stomach wet vacced and another half-inch taken off her nose. Seriously, though this flu is not right. I've heard of people not being able to walk, because of the flu. The flu has fucked them so hard they can't walk straight.

Anyway, Janet is also planning to work on a diet book to help people control their weight. She recently said, "It takes you through those moments in my life up 'til now and what worked for me. And hopefully within that, if it doesn't work for them, maybe they'll find something that does work for them and a nice place for them to be content with who they are."

Janet's weight-loss book will consist of one sentence, "Get a rib removed."

I think screwing Troll Dupri is messing with Janet Jackson's brains. Troll dick is hazardous to your style. She needs to not only fire her stylist, but she needs to cut his ass. Who told her that Mariah Carey circa 1990 hair looked hot?

She probably borrowed that lycra mess from LaToya Jackson. I will say that I'm digging her chola lips. She needed to take it to the next level by using a Sharpee for lip liner. Next time, Janet.

Oh and Janet's album is #1 this week. Time to celebrate. Hopefully, she won't celebrate by riding troll dick, because her brains have been through enough.

The producer who came up with this segment needs to be dick slapped hard. Janet Jackson tried to teach Larry King how to dance last night on his show. At first I thought I was watching Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video, because Larry looks like a dancing zombie. Actually, he's not doing much dancing, but he's doing a lot of awkward posing.

Janet keeps telling him to "hug himself." Janet, he can't! If he does his arm will pop right off. Shit, this is painful.

" Oh this is the night, it's a beautiful night.....And we call it bella notte.....Look at the skies, they have stars in their eyes.....On this lovely bella notte."

Here's Janet signing copies of her new album "Discipline" at Best Buy in NYC last night.

Janet Jackson is the hardest working Jackson in show business. Hell, she's the only working Jackson period. Janet went on "Good Morning America" to perform two songs and by "perform" I mean lip-synch and bounce around on a glowing ball. You have to love Janet. She's single-handedly trying to keep the Jackson name alive. There's a lot of pressure. What she really needs is a long rest in Jacko's oxygen take. Let another Jackson work for once! LaToya's due for a comeback. We could use the laugh.

Janet performed "Feedback" this morning and followed it up with "That's The Way Love" goes which she did while sitting in some broke ass garden chair. Seriously, she lip-synched while sitting. She's even bored with her own shit!

Janet Jackson may be making the biggest mistake of her life by marrying Troll Dupri. Ok, that wouldn't be the biggest mistake of her life. The biggest mistake of her life was making "Poetic Justice." I take that back. Hearing Janet say "you wanna smell my punane" made the movie. Anyway, Page Six reports that Janet has been looking at bridal gowns. She recently hit up Badgley Mischka for samples.

A source said, "She's preparing for her private nuptials." Who the hell are these sources and why do they talk like dictionary robots?

This would be Janet's third wedding if it happens. Don't do it Janet! Don't marry the troll. Ok you can marry him, but only if you build the whole theme on him. A troll wedding! I want guests to sit on little toadstools, drink berry juice and dance a jig. The Olsens can be the flower trolls.