KFed

Because Celebrity Fit Club worked so well for him, KFed is doing another weight loss show in Australia and during a challenge, his heart started freaking out the same way it did when he found out that the Jack in the Box by his house was going to stop serving 24 hours a day (been there). Team Chunk (copyright: C+D) is taking a hit this month. First Paula Deen gets struck down with the 'beeties, then we learn that Twinkies are in danger of going extinct and now KFed is on the verge of a cardiac breakdown.

A spokesperson for Channel 9's Excess Baggage show tells The Telegraph that KFed was doing a standard warm-up drill with an Australian football team when he started to complain about chest pains. The medic on set checked his pulse rate and that shit was PopoZãoing so hard that an ambulance was called. KFed was taken to Mt Druitt Hospital where doctors are keeping him overnight for observation. The rep wanted it to be known that KFed did not have a heart attack (Translation: Brit Brit, keep writing those checks, because KFed ain't going anywhere). The rep also said that KFed has dropped some chunk while doing the show and the number 232 looks back at him when he steps on the scale.

You know, since I got back from Italy a few weeks ago, I've been on a sort of diet. I haven't been eating a pizza and Top Ramen taco every night and I've been doing crunches (aka trying to make out with my peen lips by folding in half). But not anymore. Fuck exercise and fuck getting healthy. Working out kills! Look at KFed. KFed's fat, out of shape ass ran in the Australia heat and it almost killed him.

Whenever I walk by a gym, everybody in there looks like they are in the middle of a painful death. Life is seeping out of their pores in the form of sweat and they're huffing like they're trying to push out their last breath so the misery can end. If I had just beamed down to this planet, I would think that the gym is a torture camp. Then when I walk by a Cold Stone Creamery, it's the exact opposite. Everyone is happy. Everything is beautiful. And everyone is licking up the cream like it's the blended placenta of a rainbow. If I had just beamed down to this planet, I would think that Cold Stone Creamery is a happiness camp.

Doesn't Dr. Oz says that we should listen to our bodies? Well, when I start to do half of a crunch, my body screams out, "NOOO! IT HURTS!" But when my tongue touches cream, my body screams out, "YESSS! IT FEELS GOOD!" So see, I'm only doing what Dr. Oz tells me to do.

In a delivery room somewhere in California yesterday, KFed's piece Victoria Prince birthed out the newest baby that will suck on a bottle bought by Sugar Mama Brit Brit! UsWeekly says that KFed's girlfriend became his 3rd baby mama when she pushed out his 5th child at around 6:33pm on Monday. KFed and Victoria named their new daughter Jordan Kay. JK!

KWellFed told UsWeekly back in April that he and Victoria already planned on naming the newest member to his baby pack Jordan, "[Victoria] said that if we were going to have a little girl, she wanted to name her Jordan. And then, we actually thought that it was a boy, but we stuck with the name Jordan because, you know, it fits both ways."

I know that most of you hos think KFat is nothing but a hairy lump of uselessness that feeds all of his ten million children with the Cheeto crumbs that Brit Brit sprinkles on him, but he deserves a little more credit. I mean, Victoria doesn't have to worry about getting swole, chewed-up nipples from breastfeeding since KFed's right chichi squirts out chocolate leche and his left chichi squirts out vanilla leche. KFed just have to push his chichis together and pinch his nipples at the same time to give his baby a vanilla chocolate milk swirl. Everyone is happy.

I know you're all screaming that KFed should get snipped, but that's still not going to stop his ovary-hungry sperm fishes. They are unstoppable! They chew through condoms! They NOM NOM NOM through diaphragms! They are ravage beasts. If KFed cums on your face, you can feel those motherfuckers crawl up into your nostrils to make their way to your ovaries. They have built-in GPS systems and can breathe on land! You might think that like their creator, they can be distracted with a Twinkie, but they don't fall for those simple tricks.

And we're afraid of sharks when the real predator on this planet is KFed's jizz.

For the (I lost count)th time in his life, KFed is going to be a dad. A source tells E! News that KFed's girlfriend of about 3 years Victoria Prince is 5 months knocked up with their first child together. KFed's sperm fishes can eat through a condom, so something tells me this was all part of the plan. If it wasn't, then Victoria needs to hire a better crane operator who will pull KFed off of her in time. Really, in the near future most of the population will be directly related to KFed, Lil' Wayne or a Duggar. We're doomed.

A rep for KFed (aka his favorite sandwich maker at Subway) wouldn't say anything about this, but the source says that they are "totally happy" about the news. The source adds that Brit Brit doesn't have much to say about it either because she's "focused on her work right now."

How is KFed going to get Brit to pay for this one too?! If you see a fat ho in a stork costume crawling up a ladder to Brit's bedroom window while carrying a baby doll and a new child support contract in his beak, you know what KFed is up to.

(Image via Pacific Coast News)

Brit Brit Spears, her current piece Jason Trawick and her former piece KFed all gathered together on Saturday afternoon to cheer on SPF in a Little League game. Well, Brit Brit mainly showed up because she heard they were serving Rolling Cheese hot dog sandwiches on Hawaiian bread (note: she's got her eatin' leggings on). And KFed showed up, because he's coaching SPF's team. Even though Brit Brit sticks a wad of 100s in KFed's fupa side-cleavage every month so that he can buy more pairs of baggy capris from Land End's Chaz Bono line, it's still nice to see that they can come together for the Cheetolings.

You know who I wish would stop living together in harmony? Brit Brit's pickled feet and those horrific studded UGGs that traveled to this planet in a colonic tube shoved up hell's ass. Please tell me that KFed devoured one of those evil things after Brit dropped some nacho cheese on it.

It would make my Monday if I knew that one of those UGGs is keeping Bit Bit company at the bottom of KFed's stomach.

Here's Xtina and her flex paid piece Matt Rutler struttin' their asses through the airport in Tokyo (insert your "Xtina is Big in Japan" comments here) before the Japanese premiere of Burlesque tonight. This must be Matt's "personal reason" for quitting on one of his band's gigs last night. Hmmm. Getting a few drink tickets for performing with his band at a casino in Rhode Island, or licking premium sake off of Xtina's nipples in a penthouse suite in Tokyo? As a firm believer that you should follow everything you read in the Gold Digger's Handbook, I'll say that Matt made the right choice.

You know, Matt might sort of look like Bat Boy after getting an Extreme Makeover to look more Josh Groban-ey in the face, but all I see is the second coming of KFed shortly followed by the second coming of POPOZAO. This isn't going to end well for our ear holes.

When KFed just couldn't beat mission 28 on Grand Theft Auto 4 (I feel your pain, KFed), it gave him the sads in a major way which caused him to fill his mouth hole with anything and everything. KFed apologizes to the parents of the pets and toddlers he accidentally devoured in one of his feeding frenzies.

In a new interview with Access Hollywood (via People), KFed says he fell into a deep depression after his divorce from Our Lady of Cheetos. Like many, KFed dealt with the serious sads by wiping out every buffet in town. How many times do you think KFed heard the words, "There's no more clean plates for you, Mr. Kfed."

Anyway, KFed explains, "Once you get depressed, you don't really feel like doing anything. You're kind of discouraged about yourself and then the weight gain too, or that makes me more depressed. … I mean, it's a combination of all of those things. Everybody knows what happened with me and Brit. I'm not going to say that's the total cause of it but, I mean, just not being happy with myself was probably the main part of my depression."

The truth is I think his depression was triggered by listening to PopoZão without being under the influence of anything on the United States Controlled Substances Schedule. That will do it.

But thanks to Celebrity Fit Club, KFed has lost the chunk and now he's ready to tackle the world again by doing important stuff like finally beating mission 28 on GTA4.

KFed also said that he's happy that Brit Brit is back to touring again, "I'm really happy for her. I'm very happy for her."

Translation: KFed is farting happy that Brit tamed the crazy, so she can go back to putting Twinkies on his table. Or should I say, Twinkie Bites.

They teach you at Planned Parenthood that KFed's almighty sperm can break through brick walls and knock up a toaster, so if you're going to fuck with him you better wear a diaphragm made out of kryptonite. It seems that Victoria Prince didn't listen, because word on the block is that she's carrying the latest spawn of KFED.

According to the National Enquirer (via Popcrunch), Victoria recently found out she's got a case of the babies after spending a weekend in Las Vegas with KFed. I can't believe they found time to do it with all the distractions of Las Vegas around them. And by distractions, I mean the buffets. Also, how the hell did she find the dick?! Victoria is a regular Marco Polo. Anyways....

Some source said, “The test was positive. She told Kevin that she was pregnant, but he didn’t seem happy to hear the news.”

If this is true, Victoria is carrying KFed's fifth child.

As far as I know, I don't have any baby baking parts and I still wouldn't bounce on KFed unless I was okay with a baby popping out of me in 9 months. Hos should even be afraid to give him a hand job, because his super powerful pre-cum could seep into their pores and travel to their ovaries. The jizz ain't a joke.

If you walked into KFed's house and didn't see ciggie butts on the floor and spit on the walls, you'd probably be pretty damn shocked. So it's not surprising that KFed is being accused of completely trashing a house he was renting. The owners of the house want KFat to fart up $100,000 (of Brit Brit's money) to pay for all the damages he allegedly made the house in Tarzana, CA. They also say that KFed rolled out of there without paying rent for 6-months. Here's a list of the damages:

Gutters full of cigarette butts and empty beer bottles
A broken beer dispenser on the barbecue island
Permanent spit marks on exterior paint
Broken light covers
Bent light posts
Broken tiles
Dead trees and plants due to failure to water
Drawings all over the walls
A room that was turned into a studio (without the owners' permission)
Broken dishwasher ... with broken baskets
Dismantled smoke detectors
Front driveway oil-leak damage
Master bathroom windows tinted (without owners' permission)

TMZ also has a ton of pictures of the damages. My guess is that KFed didn't mean to mess that place up. Most of the damage was probably caused just by him walking around. Dude can make the earth move. And when he farts? Forget about it. Light posts will bend and smoke detectors will burst.

The most disturbing part about all of this is that KFed had a recording studio in his house. That is some terrorist shit right there. Haven't we been through enough?!

If you went to Arby's last night, they might have told you that they are out of everything. Well, that's probably because KFed got there before you did. MSNBC's The Scoop says that KFed has been shoveling pounds of everything into his pie hole so that he can get even FATTER! KFed thinks that if he is bigger than one of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's ass lips, he will be able to lose even more weight on Celebrity Fit Club which premieres on Vh1 this February. KFed is doing that new math.

A source said, “He thinks that if he goes on the show, loses a ton of weight, and seems really likeable, he’ll get more deals afterward. The way he sees it, he could have another show after ‘Fit Club,’ and that would open the door to working on music again, maybe even a fashion line.”

They're going to need a bigger door.

If KFed grew a 9-inch dick that always stayed hard and shot out delicious pancakes that cured cancer, he would still not be likable to most people. So I'm not sure what he's smoking (SPOILER ALERT: you know what he's smoking).

And if KFed is really serious about gaining more chunk, he just needs to feast on one of Manuel Uribe's ass farts. That'll instantly put 50lbs of lard on his body.

TMZ says that K-WellFed is trying to drop the chunk on the new season of Vh1's Celebrity Fit Club along with his original baby mama Shar Jackson, Nicole Eggert and Bobby Brown. Yes, KFed and Bobby Brown in the same cast. Hell to the BARF! I really hope there are zero scenes involving Bobby Brown pushing out one of KFed's shamu-sized doody bubbles. Poopoono.

I'm guessing that the executives at McDonald's, Arby's, Church's, KFC, Taco Bell and (insert the name of every single restaurant here) are plucking out their nipple hairs over this in an emergency meeting. Because if KFed is off the deliciousness, that means their stock will plummet and cheeseburgers will sit untouched under the heat lamps for daaaaaays. This is not what the economy needs right now.