Lance Armstrong

Sheryl Crow started dating Lance Armstrong in 2003, so some think she obviously knew he was filling his veins up with EPO. It's kind of hard to ignore that fact, because every time they had missionary sex, Lance's Hulk-like dick lifted Sheryl's body two feet above the bed. But if Sheryl knew, she didn't say anything then and she's not saying anything now. Sheryl talked to Entertainment Tonight about the whole doping scandal and she kept her answers vague, only saying that she feels "bad" that Lance has to give up the titles he worked so hard to get (insert michelleobamaeyeroll.gif here). One of the people who blew the whistle on the doped-up douchebag in Spandex shorts isn't letting Sheryl Crow get away and is yanking at that bitch's hair for keeping her lips shut the entire time.

Betsy Andreu, the wife of one of Lance's fellow dopers, tells The Daily Mail that she thinks it's sick and weak of Sheryl Crow to not say anything when she could've saved a lot of his accusers from being attacked by him. Betsy let out this anti-Stand By Your Man anthem to the Mail:

"Are you kidding me? She was his fiancé. She surely knew what was going on. She could have helped other people. I am appalled and ashamed at how weak women were in this whole saga. It is an embarrassment. Sheryl was by his side when he was trying to destroy people and she said nothing. That’s unconscionable. I mean it just astounds me. You should know people are telling the truth and you’re silent. It’s sick. My God she was engaged to the guy. She, like so many other women, did not speak up. If they went through what we went through, would they want somebody to speak up? She could have done something. Somebody should ask Sheryl ‘did you see the blood tranfusions? Were drugs ever stored in your home? Did you see any of that in your house?'"

GOOD GOD GIRL GET A GRIP. At least Lance never called you fat! Lance called you crazy, called you a bitch, but he never called you fat! What more do you want? Do you want him to say you look good in those jeans? Okay,  Lance thinks you look good in those jeans. There!

And in that picture above, I know that thing on Sheryl's dress is a snake (how appropriate), but the part on the left looks more like a gilded circumcised peen to me. I would.

Matthew McConaughey has gone topless jogging with Lance Armsstrongduetodoping and not once did the Texas T-Rex get suspicious when the wooden floor boards broke into pieces from the sheer force of Lance's Hulk-like stomp. So when Lance came clean about playing dirty, Matthew McConaughey was sad and mad at the bitch for never telling him the truth. The Texas T-Rex, who is gaining some chunk and no longer looks like a zombie porn Giraffe circa 1975, is promoting his new movie Mud at Sundance right now and MTV News (via Yahoo) asked him what he thinks about Lance's cheating ways. Matthew said that it gave him the sads, which should give all of us the sads, because nothing is sadder than a sad T-Rex. :( Matthew said this:

"My first reaction was I was pissed off. I was mad. I then got kind of sad for him. First off, I had a part of me that took it kind of personally, which I think a lot of people have."

Matthew then said that he doesn't take it personally:

"What I mean by this is, what was he supposed to do? Call me to the side and go, 'Hey man, I did it but don't tell anybody.' Then I would have really had a reason to be pissed off at him, going, 'You want me to walk around holding this?'Where I am now is I've put myself out of the way and I am happy for this guy, who has now chosen to reenter this new chapter of his life a truly free man. And the weight he had on his shoulders, without the boogieman under the bed, the skeleton in the closet that he's carried for 14 years. Fourteen years he lied and carried the lie with him. Oprah said the other night, 'The truth will set you free,' but she forgot one part. It's miserable in the beginning. And it's going to be miserable, but he's looking it in the eye, and he'll handle it. He'll deal. And he's ready for how hard it's going to be to deal."

T-Rex, please. I know Matthew's usually got his head stuck in his bong, but his ass had to have known that Lance injected potent Go Go Juice directly into his veins. Didn't Matthew know that something in the milk was DOPE when Lance jacked his dick right off of his body during their weekly circle jerk sessions? The Texas T-Rex is just sad, because during all his years of doping, Lance never once pulled down his panties and asked Matthew to stick it in his butt. By "it," I mean the doping needle. I think.

Here's more of Matthew looking like an old, parched earth worm at Sundance over the weekend.

As Gayle King gave Oprah a victory massage in her spot of choice (it's way too late in the week for me to describe in detail what Oprah's spot of choice is, so you decide), millions of people watched Lance Armstrong admit to being a doper and an award-winning champion liar. But as Lance barfed out the truth, I kept focusing on the shit job the set decorator did. Yes, I care about the important things. Oprah really screwed up this time, because there goes that Emmy nomination for Best Set Decoration in a Shit Show.

While watching, I kept waiting for two old ladies wearing windbreakers to walk on by, pick up a vase, look under it for the price and then scream at Oprah, "$5?! You crazy! I'll take it off your hands for two quarters and nothing more." Shit looked like an estate sale. What was with that shallow bowl thing? When are people going to learn that you can't just put an empty bowl on a table and call it design. Oprah could've thrown some tangerines in there or if she really wanted to be a bitch, she should've filled it with Truck Nutz. Maybe The Mighty O had that bowl on hand, because she was going to use it to collect Lance's nut if he refused to come clean. And that mysterious box on the table? Gayle King should've come out in a rhinestone gown ala Price is Right and opened it to reveal Lance's favorite shootin' up needle. But she didn't. That box and that bowl were about as useless as those bendy straws. I swear, Oprah should've hired Sandra Lee to do the background tablescape. Anyway, enough about that. Now let's move on to less important matters.

Lance finally admitted that starting in the 90s, he took performance-enhancing drugs including blood doping, EPO, testosterone and HGH. Lance admitted that he took them before all of seven of his Tour de France victories, but that he stopped doping in 2005. Lance also admitted to being a first-rate shit bag to anybody who outed him as a doping cheat. Lance was never afraid he'd get caught and he never thought he was going to get caught. Lance doped up, because a lot of the other cyclists were doping up and he wanted to level the playing field. Lance called himself an "arrogant prick" and said that he just got caught up in the lie and so he kept on lie-telling:

"I view this situation as one big lie that I repeated a lot of times. I know the truth. The truth isn't what was out there. The truth isn't what I said. I'm a flawed character, as I well know. All the fault and all the blame here falls on me."

The weirdest part of the interview was when Lance told Oprah that he had called Betsy Andreu, an accuser who refused to lie for him, and said this to her:

"I called you crazy. I called you a bitch. But I never called you fat."

Betsy responded by saying, "Phew! I'm so glad you don't think I'm fat, Lance. I'd rather be a crazy skinny bitch than a sane fat nicey person." It's nice to know that the potent drug known as CRAZY is still flowing through Lance's veins.

And I'd like to take this time to confess to all of you that for years I've been using performance-enhancing drugs for bloggers like boxed wine, pocket pies and weed. Wait, or maybe those are performance-degrading drugs. I could've read the labels wrong.

via HuffPo

When Lance Armstrong stared deep into Oprah's holy light eyes, he saw the image of her half-brother Jesus telling him to finally cleanse his soul by telling the truth about doping up. Or maybe Lance Armstrong stared deep into Oprah's holy light eyes and saw the reflection of her producer waving the millions of dollars he got paid for telling the truth to The Mighty O! People mix Jesus up with a stack of cash all the time. Whatever the case may be, after years of denying that he was shooting up performance enhancing drugs even though everybody could practically see the needle sticking out of his ass, Lance Armstrong confessed to Oprah that he lied about being a dopehead.

Oprah was on CBS This Morning (aka her main boo's morning show) to say that in her two-part interview with Lance, which starts airing on OWN this Thursday, he comes clean about being dirty. The interview went down at the Four Seasons in Austin, TX, and Oprah said that it took almost 2 and a half hours to ask Lance 112 prepared questions. Oprah wouldn't tell Gayle King on air (but I'm sure she whispered it in Gayle King's ear during their nightly spooning sessions) what Lance said to her, but she said that he "did not come clean in the manner that I expected" and that she was satisfied with his answers. Well, since Oprah is "satisfied" with his answers that means Lance has been upgraded to Heaven's "waiting list" and won't go directly to Hell.

Oprah said that Lance did get emotional, but never completely broke down and sobbed into her chichis while asking her to pet his hair. Oprah said that she went at Lance so hard that at one point he asked her if she was ever going to lighten up with the questions. Right before Lance's interview with Oprah, he held a meeting at Livestrong and brought the raw emotion while apologizing to his staff for letting them down. Lance kept his apology vague and never admitted to them that he doped up. Bitch was saving that for Oprah.

Lance already gave up all his Tour de France medals and People says that he's in talks with his former team, the U.S. Postal Service, to give back some of the millions in taxpayer money he got over the years. And now that he's finally admitted the truth, former sponsors could sue his last nutsack off. Some think that Lance is telling the truth after years of lie-telling, because he's been backed into a corner and wants the public to feel sorry for his ass.

What I've learned from all of this, is that if I fill my veins up with performance-enhancing drugs, there's a chance that I will win a bunch of fancy cycling titles, make hundreds of millions of dollars and I'll only have to give back SOME of the money when they catch me lying. And I'll get to meet Gayle King! Shoot my ass up and pull my old Huffy out of my mom's garage. Let's do this!

Livestrongers everywhere are wearing those rubber yellow bracelets at half-mast today, because the charity's founding father has been kicked off of his rubber yellow throne for allegedly doping up. Livestrong told Lance Armstrong to take all of his pretty lil' shit, all his happy lil' shit, and get out of their house, because they're sick of checking under his mattress for doping needles. So then Lance took his suitcase and shuffled over to Nike's house, but they're not looking to change their tagline to "Just DOpe It" and so they dumped him too. Bitch has no medals, has lost his sponsorship from Nike and the cancer charity he founded in 1997 wants nothing to do with his ass. Okay, well, that's not totally true. Livestrong is letting Lance stay on the board, but that's just a "Yeah, you can come by and have a powdered donut during our meetings, but it's not like we're going to listen to anything your DOPING ass has to say" move. Lance passed out this open break-up letter today:

“I have had the great honor of serving as this foundation’s chairman for the last five years and its mission and success are my top priorities. Today therefore, to spare the foundation any negative effects as a result of controversy surrounding my cycling career, I will conclude my chairmanship.”

With no charity to run, no medals to polish, no race to cycle in, Lance will do what every retiree does: watch Dr. Oz reruns, yell at children, tend to the gigantic marijuana shrub in their backyard and practice their OMGIDIDNTKNOWTHATIJUSTBOUGHTTHISATACARBOOTSALE face when the cops bust them for having a gigantic marijuana shrub in their backyard.

Lying Ass Lance will be fine, but I wonder how Livestrong is going to distance themselves from this semi-scandal? Obviously, they need to reinvent themselves and the only way to do that is to drop those yellow rubber bracelets and sell yellow rubber cock rings instead. Cock rings make everything better.

Lance Armstrong is done going ball out to fight the doping charges against him and is throwing up his hands and giving up. Because Lance is done brawling with those bitches at the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency, he will be stripped of all 7 of his Tour De France titles and his Olympic bronze medal and he isn't allowed to ever compete professionally again.

Lance still claims that he did not have relations with that syringe full of performance enhancing drugs, but he's ending the dope hunt against him, because a ho can only take so much. Lance wrote a statement on his website (via People) yesterday and I should warn you, reading the first line will make you pull a tiny disco ball out of your bottom desk drawer (I know you keep one there) and hold it above your head while you swish your hips and sing out the lyrics, "I can't go on, I can't go on no mo nooooo!" You're going to Donna Summer out (or Barbra Streisand out, depending on your mood), so you should warn your co-workers. Here's a piece of Lance's statement:

There comes a point in every man's life when he has to say, "Enough is enough." For me, that time is now. I have been dealing with claims that I cheated and had an unfair advantage in winning my seven Tours since 1999. Over the past three years, I have been subjected to a two-year federal criminal investigation followed by Travis Tygart's unconstitutional witch hunt. The toll this has taken on my family, and my work for our foundation and on me leads me to where I am today – finished with this nonsense.

I had hoped that a federal court would stop USADA’s charade. Although the court was sympathetic to my concerns and recognized the many improprieties and deficiencies in USADA’s motives, its conduct, and its process, the court ultimately decided that it could not intervene.

If I thought for one moment that by participating in USADA’s process, I could confront these allegations in a fair setting and – once and for all – put these charges to rest, I would jump at the chance. But I refuse to participate in a process that is so one-sided and unfair. Regardless of what Travis Tygart says, there is zero physical evidence to support his outlandish and heinous claims. The only physical evidence here is the hundreds of controls I have passed with flying colors. I made myself available around the clock and around the world. In-competition. Out of competition. Blood. Urine. Whatever they asked for I provided. What is the point of all this testing if, in the end, USADA will not stand by it?

Since Lance's cycling career is over, he says he will focus on raising money for charity. One of those charities might be the Save Lance From Having To Trade In His Fancy Bikes For A Huffy Foundation, because there's a chance he'll have to pay back all of the prize money he won.

If you're cheering at this shit, because you're happy that Lance finally got his, let me poke at your buzz bubble just a bit. If Lance has to pay back that money, that means you'll soon see his face on Dancing with the (Alleged) Dopers and every other reality shit show, because a check is a check and Lance might need a whole lot of checks right now.

Lance Armstrong announced on his Twitter page yesterday that his girlfriend Anna Hansen is knocked up with his fifth child. This will be Lance's second kid with Anna. They have a 10-month-old son together. Lance has also has twin 8-year-old girls and an 11-year-old boy with his ex-wife. Somewhere in the world, Sheryl Crow just kicked a puppy in his nutsack.

Lance is one of those hos who has a Twitter page for their unborn baby. Anna and Lance's fetus is Twittering under the name @Cincoarmstrong. I'm trying to find this cute, but I just can't. Here's Fetus Armstrong's first Tweets:

I got 2 arms, 2 legs, a nickname, and i'm 2 inches long. See y'all in October..
9:19 AM Apr 20th via web

I'm now the size of a lemon, 3.5 inches long, and weigh 1.5 ounces. And oh yeah, I'm on Twitter.
2:41 PM Apr 25th via web

Yeah, that is definitely not cute.

And Lance's ball deserves the honor of being named Testicle of the Year. That bitch is working harder than a call girl during the Republican National Convention. Go, nut, go!

via People