Excuse My Beauty

As Baby Brahim and Casper Smart had a toddler slap flight in the backstage daycare area at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas, his sugar mami accepted an award for being the top touring act of 2012. Everybody bow downed to the zombie vampire queen as she showed us the finger she uses to pop one of Baby Brahim's stubborn doody bubbles. She's maternal like that. And here's Madge taking off those pretentious cataract sunglasses while accepting her trophy, which looks like Tommy Lee's gilded dick:

Yes, several pairs of fetus ass cheeks were used to make Madge's newest face and she looks like a pimp who has fallen on hard times and had to get an extra job as a morning-shift stripper, but she still looks hotter than Ke$hit (although, that's not hard to do)!

Blonde.... hairy... sturdy... and built for multiple wild rides... Alex Rodriguex just fell in love.

Billionaire owner of everything Richard Branson and billionaire owner of everything Tony Fernandes made a little bet in 2010. Since both of them are owners of an airline and a Formula One racing team, they bet that whoever's F1 team loses to the other has to serve as a flight attendant on the winner's airline. Richard Branson lost, so today, the men all paused when he walked onto an AirAsia plane to serve drinks on a flight from Perth to Kuala Lumpur.

While firmly tucked and puckered up, Richard served drinks, handed out meals and made announcements. Yahoo! says that the flight also helped raise money for an Australian charity for hospitalized children. Tony Fernandes told reporters that Miss Richard's flight attendant skills get a 1 out of 10 and Miss Richard said that he can't wait to get into his regular clothes.

"[I'm] glad to have gotten the bet over with and (am) looking forward to getting back into my clothes. I always wanted to be an air hostess, but it looks like I have to get back to normality.

Uh huh.... Richard Branson is really trying to make us believe that he didn't join the Mile High Club with his own reflection in the lavatory. You know he was all up on himself. You know his tuck came undone when he spilled his juice all over Tony. He loves it.

But seriously, Richard should always wear his hair like that, because it is the look.

Ginnifer Goodwin normally looks like the black sheep of the Keebler Elves or a Garbage Pail Kid to me, but at the Met Gala last night she looked like a Garbage Pail Kid after getting a glamorous eyebrow makeover from Harald Glööckler. Stunning. Perfect. Exquisite. When she's done with those brows, they should pull them off her face, put a gold frame around them and hang them on the biggest wall at the Met.

It's like the before and after of a collagen embalming. You decide who's the before and who's the after.

The chemical aroma of melting plastic, burnt Shrinky Dinks and Turtle Wax was in the air at ArcLight Hollywood last night when Demi Moore looked deep into the face of her future on Cher's head. I'm sure that Cher and Demi have run into each other before in the lobby of a plastic surgery clinic, but both of their heads were wrapped in gauze at the time so they barely recognized one another. But at The AFI Night at the Movies last night they could finally bond over their mutual love of the scalpel. Cher probably told Demi that she really needs a third lip, because three lips are so much better than two. Demi looked at Cher's cheeks and told her that she really needs to put more CCs of silicone into those things, because if your face cheeks can't perfectly fit into a 32B bra, they're not big enough.

Looking at this picture makes me wish that Demi could really, really sing. Because if she could, these two could recruit Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas and start a Morticia Addams doo-wop group. If only.

And here's the lucky ones who got to bask in the plastic beauty of Demi and Cher. In order after D and C: Shirley MacLaine with Sally Field (doing the "friends at the prom" pose), Kevin Spacey (he really needs to rethink his toupee situation), Harrison Ford (he really needs to rethink that earring), Kathy Bates, Samuel L. Jackson and Kurt "I Want To Swim Naked Through The Silvery Hair Waves On His Head" Russell.

Amanda Bynes finally realized that her tragic cheek piercings and uneven black marker brows (don't even call them Sharpie brows) are not the look anymore. What's really in right now is having a scarf face! While looking like KFed circa 2004 from the waist down, Amanda Bynes strolled around NYC this morning with a face full of poly blend fabulousness. Yes, the Jackson children worked this look a million years ago, but I'm glad that Amanda is bringing it back. Why should Amanda spend hours five minutes in front of her make-up mirror, splattering her face with the finest products from Wet 'N Wild when she can just throw a scarf on her face and create a real look. Bitch has never looked. Although, I think I can still see her duck face underneath that scarf.

In other Amanda news, add UsWeekly to her long ass list of bitches she's going to sue. Amanda tweeted this out:

Yet again, I'm suing @UsWeekly for writing another false story. NOTHING is wrong with me! All Trash mags - contact me personally since you r talking to people I DON'T KNOW then claiming they know me. Please say names of those supposed sources, they sound like you made them up like the crazy person you're trying to portray me as in your ugly magazine. I'm talking to the ugly Asian editor and all the ugly women I met when I did a shoot with you. I am suing you every week you put up awful photos with a false "I'm crazy" story. You have never contacted me once to find out who I am or what I'm up to. Fuck You.

Oh, Amanda if you pulled that scarf off your face for a quick second you'd see that UsWeekly doesn't have an Asian editor anymore. How can we take you seriously as a legal force of nature if you can't even get that shit right? Not only is Amanda figuratively walking through life with a scarf over her head, but now she's doing it literally.

After Justin Bieber reunited with the Portia to his Ellen, Selena Gomez in Norway, he Instagrammed this picture of him wearing the official Hood Rat Stuff uniform. Harmony Korine is punching himself in the taint right about now, because looking at this picture made him realize that he should've cast Justin Bieber as one of the masked bikini babe beauties in Spring Breakers. That coy side-eye, those parted lips... Hold all of Usher's calls, because he is taking the rest of the day off.

P.S. - Justin spelled "Chanel" wrong in his Instagram caption. Bitch spelled it "Channel." I bet if you complimented him on his top, he'd say, "Thanks! I bought it at Ver-sayce!"

via WOW Report

I don't know if it's a blessing or a damn curse that I can't post the eyelash-singeing pictures from Tan Mom's topless photo shoot on a beach in New Jersey yesterday. TMZ has 100 stunning portraits of New Jersey's official state flower Tan Mom looking like a delicate and fresh Siren beckoning sailors to her bloated, tattooed loins. You won't know whether to stare deep into her exquisitely drawn upper chocha tattoo or immediately send those pictures to Sports Illustrated and beg them to put her on the cover of their next Swimsuit Edition. The tag sticking out of her bikini is really what makes the entire photo shoot.

When you open up the pictures and click on the "next" button really fast, Tan Mom will give you the most terrifying flip book show ever. And in almost every picture, she's saying "just doing this for extra booze money" with her eyes.

It is truly a sad, sad day for demure beauties who like to wear coochie cutters with UGGs and a bridal thong bikini to their wedding, because one of the vanguards of the modern-day whore look, Pamela Anderson, told Buzzfeed at the International Beauty Show in NYC on Monday that since she's getting older, she's decided to tone down her signature look a little bit. To which I say, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The Canadian pearl says that for years, hos have been trying to get her to take off the fake eyelashes and put on more clothes. Pamela always told them to fuck off, because she knows what glamour is and glamour IS looking like a seasoned boardwalk hooker who doesn't mind a little sand in her oyster. But now that Pamela is creeping toward 50, she says that she's gettin' a little too old for that whorey look, darlin'.

Buzzfeed: When in your life did you first feel beautiful?

Pamela: Well, it wasn't today (laughs). I'm kidding. Oh, god, I don't know if I ever really felt beautiful. I always feel like I don't — I don't, really.

Buzzfeed: You're something of a beauty maximalist. So do people ever try to make you under?

Pamela: Actually a lot of people, especially when I was on Baywatch. They were insisting that I didn't wear eyelashes, but I said, "I have my look, this is what I'm comfortable in." Sometimes my eyelashes would roll up onto the beach and that's all that would be left of me. But I was determined to be glamorous. Oh, I loved it, I LOVED it. I thought, "If you're going to be on TV, and if you're gonna be out and glamorous, the natural look can stay at home. If we're gonna do this, let's have fun with it!" I actually just did a shoot lately, and they took all the makeup off and put me in a ponytail, and I said, "Well, OK, we'll try that."

Buzzfeed: How did you feel about it?

Pamela: Well, everyone was happy about it and liked it, and so, well, we'll see what it looks like. It was Mario Testino, so I can't argue with him! And he loved it, so, we'll see.

Buzzfeed: So people try to tone down your sex appeal because you're known for being so hot?

Pamela: I don't know if it's because I'm so hot, but they definitely try to tone down my sex appeal. I think it's time, though — you know, you grow up and you change your look. I feel different from how I did in my Playboy days. Now, I think I'm in charge of toning down my look or not. I feel like as I'm getting older, this is my version of toned down (gestures to hair and outfit). I like it.

To which I say again, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Okay, if Pamela Anderson wants to turn her back on a community of old whores who have looked up to her all these years by covering her body and doing her hair up like a Shih Tzu caught in a tornado, then that's fine. But if she turns her back on all the white girl cholas by erasing her praying mantis leg eyebrows, I will never ever forgive her!

Typing the words "Christina Aguilera actually looks kind of natural in the face" feels unnatural, wrong and it goes against all the laws of clown glamour, but it's what I have to type, because she kind of does.  It only took five chisels, a sandblaster and a few dozen passes through the $5 car wash at the Shell gas station, but they managed to scrape all thirty five layers of dried Bronzer off of Xtina's skin for last night's screening of The Voice 4 in Los Angeles.

Xtina kept her mug on the natural side and pruned her brows so they don't look like they belong on a box of Count Chocucla, and I know I'm supposed to say she looks better like this, but I can't. Xtina is just isn't the same when she doesn't look like a Hatchet Face impersonator/clown hooker who just worked five shifts in a row. Although, at least her weave still looks like it was put together using ten different kinds of man-made materials.

Here's some other hos at last night's screening party. In order: Xtina, Blake Shelton with Miranda Lambert, Justin Bieber's biological mother, Delta Goodrimgjob, Seal and Benji Madden.

White Oprah's going to need a longer mantel, because here's another gorgeous mug shot of Lindsay Lohan to add to the collection. While throwing a wonked-up look that says "Can we hurry this mess up? It's almost happy hour" and wearing a jacket that tells me she definitely robbed a little league coach before she got to the police station, LiLo posed for the mug shot camera today. Even though LiLo should've tamed her weave in her dressing room at the police station (she has one, right?), this might be one of her best glamour shots yet. Beat that camera with your eyes, bitch.

TMZ says that LiLo visited her old friends at the police station today to be booked for pleading "no contest" to reckless driving and lying to the cops. LiLo showed up, gave them FACE! and then sashayed out. TMZ also says that she won't begin her 90 days in locked down rehab until May.

Here's a few of LiLo's past mug shots. We're one mug shot closer to getting a whole calendar. Her newest one can be September since it's very back to school. Speaking of school, I'm sure LiLo now has more mug shots than yearbook photos. White Oprah will drink to that!