Jakey Gyllenhaal

Jakey Poo has reportedly been blabbing off to his homegirls that he will marry Reese Witherspoon on December 19th, his birthday. His birthday! Typical. Jakey is going to be the worst bridezilla ever. He's going to cry into Reese's chin when they don't have the birds of paradise he wanted. He will screech like a pig bottom in heat when he finds out that Vera Wang has refused to make him a custom lace banana hammock. Yeah, he's going to be terrible.

Anyway, some nosy bitch told the Daily Mail, "Jake is telling everyone they are getting married at Christmas. He told me he had proposed several times but she kept telling him she wanted to give their relationship more time. When he asked her again a couple of weeks ago, she finally said yes."

She only said yes because Jakey Poo kept throwing a tantrum every time she said no. He really, really wants to be a Christmas bride. Reese got sick of buying him a limited-edition Barbie as a "I'm sorry gift" every time she said no, so she just gave in.

Seriously though, I don't see them tying the knot anytime soon. Well, except for the knot on Jakey Poo's harness.

Seriously though, I don't see these two bores tying the knot anytime soon. I mean, Hollywood rules state that you must get knocked up first. And since tickle games can't produce a baby, I doubt they will make it legal in the near future.

When Jakey Poo moved into Reese Witherspoon's house, she immediately gave him a few ground rules. She told him that he couldn't have any boys after midnight, he has to wash his ass dildos after every use and he can only blast ABBA on Saturday afternoons.

A source told Star (via MSNBC) she also give him a few other rules, “Some of (the things she insists on) are run-of-the-mill. He has to take off his shoes when he’s in the house; trash must be taken out when the can is three-quarters full; and no feet on the coffee table.” Take out the trash? Um, doesn't she have a maid? And if she doesn't have a maid, that's what kids are fucking for.

Speaking of the word "fucking," Jakey Poo can't use it word anymore. The source went on to say, “Jake used to swear like a sailor, but not anymore. If he does, he has to apologize.” Boring! Who's going to teach the kids important words like cunt and slutbag? I bet Reese has one of those annoying swear jars where you have to give a dollar if you curse. I'd be fuckity fucked. Poor Jakey Poo. You know he loves saying, "Bitch, please" and now he can't.

Strict ass Reese also forces her family to eat at the dinner table and to tell each other in advance if they have other dinner plans. Reese is such a mom! And who the hell wants to eat at the dinner table unless there's a big TV in front of it!?

According to the source, Jakey Poo apparently loves all the rules. He would. He's a total sub.

Here's some pictures of floppy haired Jakey Poo in Paris with Mom Reese and her kids.

Girlfriend had too many Cosmos! Actually, Jake Poo probably drinks sour apple martinis. He likes how they make his manpussy pucker. Jakey strikes me as a total sloppy drunk. Like a sorority sister. He probably gets all handsy, dances on tables, lip-synchs to Cyndi Lauper and flashes his chichis at the frat boys. Reese just sits there rolling her eyes and sipping on her Shirley Temple. She puts the boo in booooring.

Here's Reese and Jakey Poo out to dinner in London last night. Jakey is currently shooting the title role in "The Prince of Persia" in the UK.

Isn't this a strange sight? A power bottom riding a hung horse. Usually it's the other way around. And he didn't go bareback! Our little Jakey Poo is always surprising us.

Limpey-wristed Jakey Poo is learning how to "ride a horse" (AHAHAHAHA) for his new movie "Princess Prince of Persia." Homegirl is even rocking some long locks. Bitch is totally going to get the "Posh Bob" when he's finished with filming.

And is it just me or is the horse thinking, "Get this big ole' girl off of me! This is just embarrassing!"

Yes, Jakey Poo is in the picture above. He's walking backwards so that the paps can get a shot of his hot ass. Power bottoms love to show off their best feature. Anygay, UsWeekly reports that Jakey Poo has packed up his Strawberry Shortcake suitcase and moved in with Reese Witherspoon and her kids. The kids are calling him Auntie Jake.

A source said that this is their first step towards marriage, "Marriage is definitely what they are working toward. They literally don't want to spend any time away from each other." Literally? They even do caca times together? That must be interesting.

Should I start to believe that this relationship is for reals and that Jakey Poo doesn't enjoy a juicy man tongue in his hedgehog hole? I mean, how long can they possibly keep this charade going? Wait, how long have John Travolta and Kelly Preston been married? That would answer my question.

Jakey Poo is totally checking out some hot ass in the picture above. Reese is thinking, "Why won't Jakey Poo play with my panty hamster?" Sigh.

Here's Jakey and his main fag hag cuddling outside of a restaurant yesterday. Reese is looking like a little pregnant in the belly. This is obviously impossible. You can't get pregnant from "tickle and giggle" sessions. It's just Shirley Temple bloat.

A girl can't have a pretzel with extra cheese without people speculating that she's knocked up. I mean this is Reese Witherspoon we're talking about. I haven't been to a sex education class in a long time, but don't you have to engage in intercourse in order to get pregnant? I doubt her tickle sessions with Jakey Poo lead to anything more. Well, it leads to them doing each other's hair and crank calling Jennifer Aniston. They call Aniston and say, "Hi honey. It's John. Will you marry me?" When Jenny says "yes," they cackle and hang up on her.

Here's Reese with pretzel bloat at the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer yesterday in DC.

Ryan Phillipe has admitted that he sort of has a hard time seeing his ex-wife Reese Witherspoon with Jakey Poo. Ryan does whatever it takes to avoid the pictures. He told USA Today, "It's bizarre. There's plenty of times when I say, 'What a strange situation I've found myself in,' But at a certain point you know it's going to happen, so you are prepared."

I'm sure Jakey Poo also thinks to himself what a "strange situation" he's in when Reese's labia is inches from his lips.

It's a bizarre sight to all of us. It's not strange seeing them together, because they look like two best girlfriends going to lunch and shopping. It's strange thinking of them doing sexy times. They probably just lay there, giggle, give up and then watch "Maid to Order." I bet you Jakey Poo looooooves Maid to Order.

Ryan was also asked about his relationship with Abbie Cornish, but he refused to address it. He isn't ruling out marriage though, "I'm pretty young, and there are many beautiful things about that idea of marriage and family. It just doesn't always work out perfect for everybody."

Nope. Sometimes your ex ends up with the richer, more talented and more famous homo. Life is crazy that way.

VIA People

Jakey Poo hurt his ankle while "playing basketball," but he's not letting a little injury keep him down. He attended The Los Angeles Conservations Corps Spring Luncheon yesterday. Jakey, if you're going to be on crutches you could dazzle them up a bit. Take a bedazzler to those boring things.

Playing basketball? Uh huh. It's probably not even his ankle that's fucked up. I'm guessing he pulled his groin while doing the reverse cowgirl. Butt fucking can be dangerous.

Reese Witherspoon and her best girlfriend, Jake Gyllenhaal, did a little shopping at A.P.C. in NYC today. Jake looks like he's trying to get away from her ass. Reese had to shout, "Hey Girl! Wait up! Agent Provocateur is the other way. Didn't you say you wanted a new pair of pink panties for yourself?"

I don't mind Reese, but she always looks like she's smelling a rank ass fart. I guess I would make that face if I constantly had to smell Jake's butt cum. Trust me, if you don't clean the butt cum right away it will sit in there and simmer like braised red cabbage. Well, so I've heard.