Jakey Gyllenhaal

It seems that during most of the filming of Prince of Persia, Jakey G had his nipples out. So why is the trailer for this shit lacking nakedness from Jakey?! The trailer should've just been 5-minutes of Jakey with his pecs out, shaking his weave (and ass) like the creditors are knocking on his door and he needs a coin in a bad way.

You know what isn't lacking from this trailer: BAD BRITISH ACCENTS. Okay, Jakey's accent isn't that bad. I wouldn't lend him any Grey Poupon, but at least he doesn't completely savagely murder the British accent like Keanu Reeves in Dracula. Jakey does watch (and re-enact scenes from) My Fair Lady at least once a week, so his British accent should be spot on.

And just so you know, every one in the olden times spoke with British accents. That's today's history lesson from the historians of Hollywood.

VIA ONTD

Here's world-famous Persian movie actor Jakey G working the weave, leathah and swords in a new still for that Prince of Persia: Sands of Time mess which hits theaters next Summer. There's something about this that just screams "I Can't Believe It's Not Dick Butter" to me.

That being said, we all have to give clappity claps for Jakey's crotch bulge game. That's probably where he keeps his hair scrunchie. Jakey must have taken lessons from Soulja Boy. I'm not mad.

VIA Entertainment Weekly

Ooooooh! Jakey G's ass lips were throbbing in anger last night, because the pappies just wouldn't get out of his life! Usually, my nipples don't howl for Jakey, but his "I Iz So Angry! WTF Iz Wrong Wit U?" face is giving me fever. Bitch could pass for a top!

The best part is that Reese doesn't really know what's going on, because bitch has the drunks in a major way. I think she's trying to stop the world from spinning so fast, so she won't vom in Jakey's lap. Then the bitch in Jakey would really pop out (to the tune of The Bitch Is Back)! Jakey does like a load of salty goo in his crotch, but not when it's lady barf.

How did Reese manage to get drunk? She seems like the type to only have little a sip of booze at New Year's. Reese's boring ass probably just drank a Shirley Temple too fast. Bitch should do that more often, because she actually looks happy in the face.

Here's angry Jakey, drunky Reese and Jenny Lewis leaving the Hollywood Bowl last night.

Martin Scorcese is about to begin work on a splashy big-budget biopic of Frank Sinatra's life and every ho on this planet is willing to lick some nut in order to play Ol' Blue Eyes himself. Seriously, don't act like you haven't already e-mailed Martin Scorcese a YouTube clip of you wearing some broke ass fedora while singing "Strangers in the Night."

Everybody thinks Martin is going to cast Leonardo DiCaprio as Sinatra, because he can't take a doody without Leo in the room. But a source told Page Six that it doesn't seem likely, because Leo looks nothing like Sinatra. According to the source, Marty has narrowed it down to a few names including Johnny Depp and James Franco. Other hos in consideration are Jake Gyllenhaal, Harry Connick Jr. , Jon Hamm Michael Buble, Marky Mark and Justin Timberdouche. YES, Justin Timberdouche! Can I get an extra-large order of WTF?!

I mean, Justin is a big dick, so maybe he can play Sinatra's famously large peen, but that's it! If Martin casts Justin as Sinatra, it's time to shut down the movie-making business forever. The butchery has to end sometime! We can entertain ourselves with shadow puppets around the campfire.

And if Martin is really considering that dick bag Justin, he should give this versatile actor a shot first. STAINS will work for cupcakes!

When I first heard Amy Wino was going to shower her meth loogies all over Coachella, I was more than willing to fry my ass lips off to get a glimpse of her heroin shake. Then it was announced that America wouldn't let her in, so I put my coochie cutters away. And look at everything I missed!

I mean, I could have witnessed The Hoff doing gross mouth things with some kind of creature who may still have a nutsack dangling down below. Also, I could have marveled at Kate Bosworth attempting to eat a piece of pizza, but not quite getting it. Methinks the skinny bitch forgot how to swallow. Even Reese Witherspoon and her main homegirl were there drinking out of coconuts! Well, I think just Reese was. Jakey knew it was kind of cliche for him to be sucking milky liquid out of a long tube.

But for those of us that didn't go, it's a good fucking thing, because that skankwhoreuglytrampbitchcunt Wonky McValtrex was there to put the HELL in Coachella. Those poor fools who were within a 2-mile radius of Wonky engaging in illegal acts (i.e. tongue fucking her dildo boyfriend) better take a trip down to the free clinic before their pores start leaking toxic pussy fluids.

Here's more celebwhores at Coachella yesterday including Kristin Cavawhogivesafuck, Tara Reid, Evan Rachel Wood's doppelganger and the ghost of Kurt Cobain.

Jakey Gyllnehaal and Mike White tossed a few salads (and soup) during lunch in Los Angeles where I'm sure they talked about Mel White the whole entire time. Well, Mel and what their favorite brand of lube it.

But mostly they yapped about Mel, because what else is there to talk about? If you have no idea what I'm babbling about, then watch that Amazing Race shit, because Mike competes with his daddy Mel on it. Mel is seriously the big gay pepaw I never had! During last night's episode, he's one of the only bitches who figured out you had to use the basket to move the hay (no, that's not code for some gay sex act). The other dumb whores used their chichis! Stupid fucks. They got fucking served up by a 68-year-old dude! Mel proves that pepaws can do anything, even with a pulled groin.

Jakey is totally using Mike to get close to Mel.

When Elle Magazine asked Vanessa Lutz about her best homegirl Jakey Gyllenhaal, she said, "He's fabulous. He really is a fantastic guy."

Fabulous? Reese might as well have said that the bitch is feir-feir-feeeeeeirce. And that he's so glittery that she just wants to wear him as a dress while skipping along the rainbow trails left by his ass.

Reese went on to talk about how she's made of sugars, “I’m made of cookies after the holidays. Everything inside me is made of sugar and flour and a little red wine–a lot of red wine.”

This bitch might be gayer than Jakey. Might be.

Visit Elle to read the rest of Reese's interview if you give a shit.

Jakey Gyllenhaal will finally get the chance to sing and dance his little girl heart out in a big gay musical! My asshole is blowing rainbow-covered bubbles in anticipation! Variety says that Jakey and Jim Carrey in the big-screen version of the Broadway musical Damn Yankees for New Line.

In case you don't take it up the butt, let me fill you in on what Damn Yankees is about. You see, some fat old slob named Joe Boyd who dreams of seeing the Yankees get beat by the Senators at the World Series. The devil appears and offers to make Boyd's baseball dreams come true in exchange for his soul. Boyd agrees and is transformed into the hunky piece of hot meat known as Joe Hardy, a slugger for the Senators. Boyd loves his new life but misses sis hag of a wife Meg. He starts to have second thoughts about the whole thing. Boyd is able to break the contract before the end of the World Series, so the devil sends a hot slut named Lola to try and seduce him into keeping the deal.

Jim Carrey will play the devil and Jakey will shake his nalgas as Joe Hardy. Yes, Jakey wearing a jock strap in the middle of a locker room filled with naked dudes. This shit is one step closer to realizing your dream of Jakey starring a hardcore gay porn. Damn YANK ME!

Basically, Charo was born to coochie coo as Lola. That role belongs to her. Or La Pequena.

When did Jakey go from having bottom arms to top arms? Or maybe I was asleep during that part of class. Damn. I didn't know you could get muscly-like arms from playing with Barbies all day with the girlfriends. He must be playing with Bratz. Those heifers are fatter. You know, I never got the urge to put my tongue in his peen hole like some of you whores, but now that he has those made-for-sex-arms...

Here's Jakey being sexy hot and knowing it while jogging with some dudes today. You know "Running Back to You" by Vanessa Williams is bumping in his head. NUFF SAID!

Jakey Poo has reportedly been blabbing off to his homegirls that he will marry Reese Witherspoon on December 19th, his birthday. His birthday! Typical. Jakey is going to be the worst bridezilla ever. He's going to cry into Reese's chin when they don't have the birds of paradise he wanted. He will screech like a pig bottom in heat when he finds out that Vera Wang has refused to make him a custom lace banana hammock. Yeah, he's going to be terrible.

Anyway, some nosy bitch told the Daily Mail, "Jake is telling everyone they are getting married at Christmas. He told me he had proposed several times but she kept telling him she wanted to give their relationship more time. When he asked her again a couple of weeks ago, she finally said yes."

She only said yes because Jakey Poo kept throwing a tantrum every time she said no. He really, really wants to be a Christmas bride. Reese got sick of buying him a limited-edition Barbie as a "I'm sorry gift" every time she said no, so she just gave in.

Seriously though, I don't see them tying the knot anytime soon. Well, except for the knot on Jakey Poo's harness.

Seriously though, I don't see these two bores tying the knot anytime soon. I mean, Hollywood rules state that you must get knocked up first. And since tickle games can't produce a baby, I doubt they will make it legal in the near future.