Jakey Gyllenhaal

Page Six reports that at the after-party for the Victoria's Secret fashion show the other night, Leonardo DiCatchAHo strolled in with a gift registry scanner in hand, ready to scan the barcodes on all the models he wants for Christmas. But one source says that 37-year-old Leo (Happy Birfday, Leo!) put down his scanner when his eyes landed on 19-year-old model Karlie Kloss. Leo mostly stayed at his table with Gay Fish, Lukas Haas and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but his gaze stayed fixed on Karlie's barely legal ass. The George Clooney-ing of Leo has officially begun.

The source said that Leo kept trolling around the party for models before settling into the "boys' table" to stare at Karlie, “He couldn’t take his eyes off her....but it wasn’t clear whether he made a move."

Leo would never make a move at a party. Leo is a born romantic, a total gentlemen and completely traditional. If Leo wants a date with Karlie, he'll order her through the Victoria's Secret catalog and make sure to get a receipt just in case he has to return her for talking too much (that's option "d" on the return order form).

Leo is seriously a beige windbreaker and a moustache away from being that creeper who trolls college campuses looking for young girls he can go up to and say, "Has anybody told you that you can be a model?" One of those creepers types pulled that on my friend once and gave her a flyer for a totally fake modeling agency. This broke ass flyer didn't have a telephone number on it, but it did have an e-mail address that read something like: assman67@hotmail.com. What kind of sexual predator really thinks that a girl is going to fall for an e-mail address like that? No serious modeling agency would ever use Hotmail.

Meanwhile, a source says that Jakey Gyllenhaal was at the same party and spent 30 minutes talking to Brazilian model Izabel Goulart. Yes, talking. That's what we're calling "a beard fitting" these days.

What you're looking at is Jakey Gyllenhaal and Rashida Jones going to lunch together in L.A. over the weekend while his dog Atticus doesn't even try to be slick about the "You're not going to take him apple picking like that the last bitch, are you?" side-eye at her. Just because Jake and Rashida ate food together doesn't mean they later took it to a lawyer's conference room where she rolled around in beard wig glue while their publicists romantically planned their first staged UsWeekly cover together and worked out their photo-op schedule. Can't a bald butch bitch and Quincy's daughter just be friends?

Besides, a day after these pictures were taken, Jake was seen giving that bland Anna Kendrick ho the Christian side hug. Yes, their side hug is about as awkward as the side hug you give to the one night fuck partner who got soft mid-thrust when you run into him on the street (or about as awkward as the side hug a gay gives the chick he lost his vagina virginity to when they run into each other at their high school reunion), but I guess this still means that Rashida isn't getting that second interview. Back to Monster.com's beard section you go, Rashida!

UsWeekly says that the 8-year-old girl trapped in a 12-year-old's body that is Taylor Swift and Reese Witherspoon ate lunch in L.A. together at Boa Steakhouse earlier this week and talked all about what it was like "dating" Jakey Gyllenhaal. As Taylor made an enchanted forest scene with her mashed potatoes and broccoli and Reese chiseled off her steak fat with her chin, they both agreed that Jakey spent a lot of time wooing them (the contract negotiations were long) and that their first date was intimate and romantic (only one pap showed up when they called them).

But then a source, who was obviously a fly on Reese's chin (Note: If you're going to be a fly on Reese's chin, you're going to want to be a fly on Reese's chin while in front of Taylor Squint. Because that bitch can't see shit and won't notice you.), said they started having laughs about how Jake is really a granola unicorn wrapped around a Carly Simon song.

Reese Witherspoon and Taylor Swift lunched at Los Angeles' Boa Steakhouse on Aug. 26 -- and chatted about their shared ex, Jake Gyllenhaal!

"They talked about how vain and self-absorbed Jake can be," a source tells Us Weekly. "They laughed about it."

Since Reese Witherspoon burps out romantic comedy sing-along scenes on the regular and Taylor Swift is a walking romantic comedy sing-along scene, "You're So Vain" magically started playing in the restaurant and those two blonde borings started singing into their spoons and spinning around the place like two cartoon bunny rabbits around a fucking maypole. The other people in the restaurant were not into it and started throwing zucchini flowers at those fruit flies, but Reese deflected that shit with her chin and kept on! She was not going to let flying zucchini flowers mess with her romantic comedy sing-along scene moment!

But really. How can anybody call Jakey "vain." Just look at this face. Is this the face of a Vainy McVainster?

Yes, I'm sure he's staring into a mirror across the room while thinking to himself, "Damn, I make beards wet faster than a Portland rainstorm*," but he is not vain at all. Yes, he doesn't mind if you're a little veiny since that means you're ribbed for his pleasure, but he is not vain! Taylor Swift needs to bite her Pollyanna ass tongue. But not because of the Jake thing. Ho needs to bite her tongue, because it might make her live singing voice sound better.

*You know, because there's a lot of beards in Portland. Sorry, it's Friday morning.

If I told you last week that pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal looking like a giant cut peen in a police uniform were in your near future, you might have Saran wrapped your chair and called into your job's voicemail at 6am to tell them you're taking a personal fapping day. (Yes, I know you call in at 6am when nobody's there so you don't have to speak to a live person. You aren't fooling anybody.) But now there are pictures of Jakey looking like a giant cut peen in a police uniform on the L.A. set of the movie End of Watch and I've got nothing.

Jake has never really been my cup of sweet tea, but a dude in uniform is a dude in uniform. However, if I got pulled over and Jake sashayed up with his weapon out, I'd have to stop myself from making "Is that a gun in your hand or are you just..." jokes and then I'd tell him, "Girl, stop playing. Put down that water gun and let's go and get lavender and mint oil head massages." Even Stick-Up Kitten would be like, "Really now?"

But I see what Jake is really doing here. Jake has played a cowboy, a solider and now he's playing a police officer. When I open up The Hollywood Reporter tomorrow morning (you know, because I open up The Hollywood Reporter every morning), I expect to read the headline: "Jake Gyllenhaal To Star In A Remake Of Squanto." If you can't join the Village People, you might as well play every single one of them in a different movie. Fill up your Village People costume closet, Jake. Fill it!

When Olivia Wilde ended her marriage to that Italian royal dude, the story went that she did it because she got married to young and really wanted to put a few more hundred miles on her vagina's odometer. You know, live out her ho shit phase of life. Most of us nodded our heads in approval, because if there's one thing I know it's that when I close my eyes on life, my last thought will be: "Damn, I wish I would've sucked more peen." (< --- Engrave that into my dick-shaped tombstone.) Olivia was going at it hard there for a while. Olivia dabbled in a little Ryan Gosling, scooted her chocha over some Justin Timberlake and then wrapped her legs around the necks of hos whose names I forget (and so does she).

But then a little birdie (and by birdie I mean publicist) started whispering ideas into Olivia's head and she took a turn down Renee Zellweger Way. That's when Olivia took a shower in glue, rolled in freshly cut beard hair on the barber's floor and hung out with Bradley Cooper for a second. It didn't last long and I figured that Olivia would be back to carrying out her slutbbatical mission, but now People is saying that she was "casually flirting" with Jake Gyllenhaal the other night. Yes, THAT Jake Gyllnehaal. The Jake Gyllenhaal that frolicked

A source type says that at Chateau Marmont the other night, Olivia and Jakey were very "touchy-feely" with each other. Olivia HAHAHAHAed at his jokes, but she she played it cool. The witness goes on, "At one point, he had his hand on hers. Olivia was very cool and wasn't fawning over Jake but seemed to like the attention he was giving her."

After Olivia and Jake's half-a-canoodle display they went their separate ways.

Olivia! What are you doing?! You have a mission and that mission is to introduce your coochie to as many dicks, nutsacks and man tongues as possible! This is not going to happen with Jakey. Your mission isn't to lick on heart-shaped cappuccino foam from as many coffee shop mugs as possible. If that was your mission, then Jakey would be the one to help you achieve it. I mean, do you really want to be the girl who Jakey tickled under an apple tree after he tickled Taylor Swift under an apple tree? Exactly. Dick now, heart-shaped cappuccino foam later.

UPDATE: Picture removed by order of Jake Gyllenhaal's lawyers. Boo.

This picture is nowhere to be seen on TMZ, so that leads me to believe that there's another site on the Internet called TMZ (but stands for Thigh Man Zone) or this beautiful yogay portrait was Photoshopped using the inspiration of Grace Jones, the head of Jakey Gyllenhaal and the body of a hot man flamingo. But it's Sunday, so I will temporarily believe that Jake once flashed his barely there nalgas like he's auditioning for the title role in the Palm Springs Gay Twink's Choir production of Black Swan. I love that whoever this is made sure that his socks matched the hotel carpet. Details like that really make a picture.

Source: Public Addiction via ONTD

Reese Witherspoon made the WRONG decision. That dumb dumb married that Jim Toth dude when she could've stayed with a man who loves nothing more than to play Wii tennis while bouncing his knees and flicking his wrists to "I Wanna Dance With Somebody." THINK ABOUT YOUR LIFE CHOICES, Reese, while reading what you could've witnessed every single night. Make her weep, Jake:

“I don’t do karaoke or play Rock Band or Guitar Hero but I do play a little Wii Tennis while listening to Whitney Houston. I can’t play Wii Tennis without listening to Whitney Houston actually. I might mention that to Duncan (Source Code director Duncan Jones) as an idea for a movie because that’s right up our alley! I really just do it for myself. It’s just an incredible thing to exercise but for it to become like a meditative thing rather than just working out is amazing and that’s how it is for me.”

Jakey and I have something in common. I too like to pretend I'm handling white balls in the middle of my living room while listening to "Heartbreak Hotel" (the Crack is Whack remix) at full blast. And yeah, I totally call it meditative exercise too.

Another accurate headline for this would be: What happens when you try to take a picture of anyone outside of a golden showers convention peeing. I don't think most people would want to take a picture of ANY peen spitting out piss into a urinal. Peeing peen is usually soft, vulnerable and well, it's got fucking piss coming out of it! It's safe to say that most of us wouldn't pinch our nipples and lick our lips to that. Well, not while we're sober anyway. But some NOT RIGHT ho at SXSW in Austin tried to do just that to Jake Gyllenhaal at the screening for his movie Source Code last night. Bitch forced Jakey to pinch it short! Hollywood News (via Towleroad) has the details of this pissy mess:

Twitter exploded with accounts of a scuffle between Gyllenhaal, who plays a soldier in Jones’ sci-fi thriller, and a guy who tried to take his photograph … er, mid-stream.

“Gyllenhaal apparently grabbed the dude mid-photo, threw him against the wall and was like, ‘are we really gonna do this right now?’” Tweeted Cinematical’s Erik Davis.

And JoBlo, who reportedly was in the men’s room when the “fight” occurred, updated, “Guy just tried to take Jake Gyllenhaal’s picture while he was taking a leak. Cops came. Brouhaha ensued.”

I've got enough questions to break a urinal cake with. I mean, who does that?! What if Jakey ate asparagus for lunch and his piss fumes cracked the camera?! How can Jakey's penis mouth smile for the camera when it's in the middle of something? Who exactly was the pissing tom planning to sell these pictures to? Urine Weekly? The R. Kelly Review? And did Jakey put his dick away before grabbing at the dude? Because if he didn't, that would be the golden picture right there. I swear, some dumb bitches just don't know how to do things!

And are we sure the dude with the camera wasn't John Travolta?

Jennifer Aniston & Jakey Gyllenhaal?! How's that for a heaping dose of LOL in your morning cup of whatever. It's true that Jennifer and Jakey's nipples became two for one of her better movies, The Good Girl, but that was just make believe play time stuff! But now Life & Style is trying to say that maybe just maybe, Jakey and Jennifer have brought their frosted mall photo love into real life. Their proof? Jennifer had herself a birthday dinner at The Spotted Pig last night, and Jake slipped out the back door so he wouldn't be photographed with her. And there's more. El fuckery from Life & Style:

Life & Style’s Scene Queens can exclusively reveal that Jennifer Aniston celebrated her 42nd birthday on Feb. 11 by having an intimate dinner with Jake Gyllenhaal in NYC.

The startlet took a break from her whirlwind promotional tour for her new film Just Go With It and made her way to The Spotted Pig restaurant where she dined in a private room with a group of friends and her former hunky co-star. “Jake and Jen looked really happy and really seemed to be enjoying themselves,” an eyewitness tells the Scene Queens. “They looked like they were strategizing a way to exit the restaurant probably because they didn’t want to be photographed together.” Shortly after their discussion Jen exited the restaurant with her friends in tow. Though Jake was not in the group, it is possible he could have snuck out the back door while no one was looking.

This romantic birthday dinner only adds fuel to the fire that Jen and Jake’s longtime friendship could be something more. The duo was spotted just weeks ago at a pre Golden Globes party in L.A where they were flirty.

First of all, Jake always prefers the back door so that doesn't mean shit. Second of all, yes, scientists have already discovered that the cicadas humming in the hills above Malibu aren't cicadas humming in the hills above Malibu. It's Jennifer Aniston chanting for a husband and children. But even she would not sign up to be Jakey's latest Taylor Swift. Bitch ain't that desperate. Besides, have you ever seen a beard with $800 highlights and a $200 blow out?

Jake, please tell us how you feel about this shit:

Here's Jennifer Aniston covering her face while leaving The Spotted Pig last night after finding out that Justin Bieber is probably going to wipe his diaper all over her movie this weekend. And according to the reviews, that might be an upgrade.

Vanity Fair's (emphasis on the "Fair") annual Hollywood Issue is a gallery of "clutch your Tampax pearls" surprises! There's ACTUALLY one and a half black people on the cover (Hey, it's better than VF's "Hungry White Girls Cover" of last year)! There's Rashida Jones randomly bottle feeding a baby tiger! There's a Robert Duvall photo bomb! And there's the TV Megan Fox, Olivia Wilde, who'd be half-nekkid if it wasn't for those extra thick suspenders.

Did the baby tiger eat most of her dress? Did Jesse Eisenberg's sexyface rip half of that ho's dress right off? Olivia is a position switch away from giving Anthony Mackie an eye full of Tron nipple. Screw the Hollywood Issue, thanks to Olivia's "sneeze and my titty pokes out" dress, this is the ELEGANCE ISSUE!

Vanity Fair says this cover was inspired by 1930s Shanghai. You know, 1930s Shanghai without Asians. We must've been hung over and dozed off in history class when the teacher said that Chinese people didn't move to Shanghai until AT LEAST the 1940s. But really, how the hell can you do 1930s Shanghai without the mascots of 1930s Shanghai. Let me fix that for Vanity Fair:

Much better.

Anyway, here's the full cover along with a few behind-the-scenes pictures. Hos on the cover from left to right: Ryan Reynolds, Jakey, Anne Hathaway, James Franco, Ivanka Trump Jennifer Lawrence, Anthony Mackie, Olivia Wilde, Jesse Eisenberg, Mila Kunis, Robert Duvall, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Andrew Garfield, Rashida Jones, Garrett GimmeHedlund and Noomi Rapace.