Passing The Peen

Here's Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis at the Lakers game at the Staples Center in L.A. last night and there's a good reason for why she looks like she's smelling random coochie fumes wafting off of his crotch. Sara Leal, the side trick who Ashton cheated on Demi Moore with, is telling Star Magazine (via HL) that his wandering peen is still wandering from side ho to side ho and one of his side hos is her friend's friend's friend.

Sara says that not too long ago one of her friends (let's call her my favorite name Concepcion) showed her a picture that Concepcion's friend (let's call her my other favorite name Chardonnay) sent her. The picture was of Ashton Kutcher in his pajamas and Chardonnay claims that her friend (let's call her my other other favorite name Everleigh) took it, because Everleigh is doing him part-time. Sara tells Star that she didn't totally believe Chardonnay at first, but Chardonnay has been inside of Ashton's house in L.A. when he was there with Everleigh. Sara put it like this:

“It could just be an innocent picture, but I think it’s also possible he’s not dating Mila exclusively. Not just because of that photo, but because he’s cheated before. That would definitely be a red flag for me, if I were dating someone who’d cheated on their wife. I would hate for Mila to have the same experience as Demi. I wouldn’t wish that situation on anyone. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If I were Mila, I’d be careful."

So to recap: Sara thinks Ashton is fucking around on Mila, because she saw a picture of him in his pajamas that Everleigh sent to Chardonnay who sent to Concepcion who showed it to Sarah. CONFUSING! Let's make this simple: Ashton is doing Mila, Concepcion, Everleigh, Chardonnay and everybody else, because he is a slut who can't stop slutting. There, glad we could clear that up.

And more importantly, is that Shia LaBeouf's goddess of a mother next to that slut Ashton?

Speak of the devil. I just mentioned the Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman divorce at the end of the Courtney and Doug write-up, and then MK lands this little nugget in my inbox. So, nobody could possibly have guessed this, but the reason for their breakup is rumored to be a scorching case of wandering peen. That's a pretty common thread in breakups and I thought that might be it for a split second, but then I remembered it's Danny Devito and felt stupid. I mean who besides Rhea wants to get all up (or down really, unless you fail the "have to be this tall to ride" challenge) on that? Just look at his luscious little self up there with his strong broad shoulders, luxurious mane and the finest in footwear and tell me you wouldn't.

So in an exclusive, Radar.online lays out the whole sordid mess. Basically they say Danny's been an extra fucker since at least his Hoffa days, and he would promise to make these young dumb girls famous (spoiler: he didn't) if they would hop on his Wee Willie Winky (spoiler: they did). I don't know who is more disgusting, Danny for preying on these starry eyed hoes - who get extra points for doing the gold digging equivalent of the food challenge on Survivor - or the girls for pretending to be all into and humping on an old married gherkin for nothing. How completely embarrassing. And then there's poor Rhea over there, actually caring about this fool.

The anonymous source says that it was pretty obvious and common knowledge about what was going down (dramatic pause) on the Hoffa set and everyone felt sorry for Rhea, who was doubly humiliated because 1) her husband was openly cheating on her and 2) she was already famous when she started fucking on him so she had no excuse. Bummer.

Well, that didn't take long. Celebslam reports that your favorite man whore and mine (okay not even in our top 10 really) Ashton Kutcher was in Rome over Christmas with his new squeeze Lorene Scafaria. She's a 33-year-old screenwriter who some say he started seeing back in February when he auditioned for one of her films. But that math doesn't make sense, since he was still very married to his mom Demi Moore then!! And still is, right? Oh what the fuck am I saying, you know it's totally true. She was reportedly in a relationship when they met too. Birds of a SUCIO! feather nesting, how sweet.

According to Celebslam:

"During their private sojourn, the couple tooled around in a Porsche Carrera Sports 2011 and holed up at a private pad. During a romantic lunch at Pizzeria Trattoria Toscana in Pisa on Christmas Eve, they 'held hands,' witness Alex Thorpe tells Us. 'They shared spaghetti, and he paid.'"

Well isn't that EXCITING. Holding hands and eating spaghetti! I wonder if they slurped a noodle until they accidentally smooched and he rolled a meatball to her with his nose like in Lady and the Tramp. Between that greasy mess of hair on his head and his vagabond peen he's got the tramp part DOWN. Move the fuck over Paris, between this and Michael K's presence Rome is the new city of love.

I know, the better question is: Why should you dip into your precious pile of fucks and give one to this flavorless fart of a non-story? Well, it's either that or you can continue trying to break the Guinness World Record for creating the longest Christmas Tree garland made out of paper clips. Yeah, since I put it that way. You better raid the supply closet behind the office manager's desk before they come back from their cry break in the bathroom.

Life & Style says that Scott Disick (phonetically pronounced: IS A DICK) hasn't been sitting with the Kardashian Kunts in the Dancing with the Shats audience to clap for one of their own, because Kourtney has banned him from most of the tapings. The reason being that there's only five chairs at their table and one goes to Kourtney, one goes to Pimp Mama Kris, one goes to Pimp Mama Kris' ego and two go to Kim's double Mount Doom ass. No, the reason is that before Kourtney got knocked up, Scott screwed on Kristin Calamariorhwatever from The Hill. So the Kardoucheians hate Kristin and Kourtney refuses to let Scott's gaze touch her arch rival. The source put it like this:

"While Kourtney and Scott were on a break, Scott hooked up with Kristin. Scott and Kourtney argued about Kristin. Kourtney can't stand her now and didn't want Scott at show tapings. Scott and Kristin hooked up in Las Vegas during a time [February 2009] that he was on a break from Kourtney. She and her sisters have called Kristin 'the whore bag' ever since."

HOLD THE WHORE! A bunch of talentless whores tried to insult a talentless whore by calling her a "whore bag" and the sheer hyporcrisy of this didn't create a gaping rapture hole bigger than the one that made Kim a star?! God better answer to that one.

And since when is "whore bag" an insult in the Kardashian family? I thought "whore bag" meant "I love you" in Kardashian talk. I mean, it's true that Kim knew her mother really appreciated her as a daughter when Pimp Mama Kris pinched her ass cheeks and said, "You did good, you big whore bag," after she made her first million from Vivid.

On a mantel in Texas somewhere, is a framed cover of this week's UsWeekly and an entire family is standing in front of it while ejaculating warm pride from their faces as they think to themselves, "Our little girl, what a big shameless slut." (Sidenote: That's the same line my friends said to me when I asked them if it was normal for my suddenly itchy crotch shrub to play the song "Under the Sea.")

22-year-old blonde administrative assistant (it's ALWAYS the 22-year-old blonde administrative assistants) Sara Leal can now pay for that fully-equipped Kia Sorrento in cash, because she put her story of screwing Ashton Kutcher on the auction block and UsWeekly threw up the winning bid.

The Betrayal of DEMI!!!!! started when a mutual friend of Ashton and Sara's (aka a whore wrangler) invited her and some other tricks to a party at his hot tub suite at the Hard Rock Hotel in San Diego. When the clock struck SLUT, everybody except for man whore Ashton, his dude friend and two ladies including Sara stayed in the suite. Just like how all the special romances of our time (see: Romeo & Juliet) started, Sara says she got clit-out naked and Ashton made his move:

"He just came up and kissed me," the Texas native tells Us of Kutcher's first bold move in the wee hours; minutes later, Leal, Kutcher and another young woman were completely nude and in a hot tub on the balcony.

"I didn't think it was out of the ordinary," Leal admits. "I wasn't self-conscious about getting naked."

When Kutcher claimed that he was "separated" from wife Moore, 48, Leal tells Us she believed him.

DUH, bitch. Of course, it wasn't out of the ordinary. You were there to get your cooch Kutched! It would be out of the ordinary if he sat down with a pen to do The New York Times crossword puzzle, but mostly because he can't operate anything that doesn't have a touch screen. Sara then said that he continued to celebrate his 6th wedding anniversary by leading her to the bedroom to make the sex:

After retreating to Kutcher's bedroom past 6 a.m., "he lost his towel and I took my robe off," Leal says. "Then we had sex."

"He was good," Leal reveals. "It wasn't weird or perverted." It also wasn't 100 percent safe, either: Leal tells Us that Kutcher did not wear a condom during their one-on-one encounter.

What does Sara consider as weird? Because a dude screaming out "I'M ABOUT TO PROMOTE YOUR TWAT. HASHTAG I'M CUMMING!!!" is pretty kinky to me and you know Ashton screamed that out right before he gave her a raw nut.

Sara then says that they wrapped up their time together by talking about politics:

The post-coital talk was a little unexpected, she confesses; the duo talked astrology (they're both Aquarius), religion, love, even politics. "I told him I was a Lutheran from Texas. He said, 'Oh my gosh! Are you a Republican?'" Leal says.

Democratic-leaning Kutcher quizzed her on "up-and-coming candidates. I said Rick Perry. He asked if I'd vote for him. I said I didn't know and he laughed. He laughed at pretty much everything I said."

But it wasn't all twenty questions between the lovers, according to Leal. After having sex for a second time -- and arguing over Leal's cell phone -- the married Two and a Half Men star was tender.

"He was like, 'I enjoy things like this because I'm an actor 90 percent of the time and it's fake. It's nice to have moments that are real,'" Leal recalls.

Oh the laugh at everything laugh. We all know that laugh at everything laugh. It's the "I'm just going to laugh at everything so you can take the hint, wash your vagina out in the sink and leave so I can eat dry roasted peanuts and cuddle with this pillow right here" laugh.

And that last "this is a real moment" line pretty much tells me that Ashton has a full-time writer on staff who writes all of his post-fuck lines, because that is some Notting Hill shit.

I believe that a ho has to get paid, so I'm happy that somebody bought Sara's story, but she left out the only important detail I care about. Where is the shaft-to-hole description of Ashton's dick situation?! Sara talks about that big penis Rick Perry, but doesn't talk about the only penis we care to know about? Does Ashton have the ingredients to Summer's Eve tattooed on his shaft like the legend says? This is the only shit we need to know.

But I'm going to assume that Sara was just too remorseful to get into that. I mean, look at her face in that picture. That's the same pout your puppy makes when it bareback fucks your husband in a San Diego hotel room.

The Patron Saint of Unwed Mothers, Bristol Palin, dropped a bomb in her book "Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far" that the suave and charming Levi Johnston stealth ninja'd in and "stole" her virginity in the night. Basically ho got so drunk on wine coolers (Really? Fucking wine coolers??) that she woke up with a not-so-fresh feeling the next morning and no idea what had happened till she heard Levi bragging to his friends outside of the tent. That Levi, so dapper.

Since that scenario caused a lot of people to pull the date rape card on Levi, Bristol decided to clarify her shit a little on GMA. She basically flip flopped and said "I'm not accusing Levi of date rape or rape at all. But I'm just looking back with the adult eyes I now have and just thinking, 'That was a foolish decision.'"

Translation: Okay, maybe it wasn't all Levi's fault that I was a drunk slut. Accountability: get some. We all did stupid shit as teenagers and I know her babydaddy is a worthless piece of trash, but own your shit ho. I'd like to cry "rape" for some of the embarassing "oh no I di'int" shit I've done under the influence, but I just cried on the inside as I did the walk of shame like any normal slut does. Suck it up, hillbilly.

What's that saying? Don't eat what you shit? Don't shit on what you eat? Well, whatever it is, Tony Hawk is doing all of it! Tony Hawk is eatin' vagina while sitting on the toilet like he just don't give a shit. The professional skateboarder's second wife was his former nanny, his third wife was his publicist and his current piece is his best friend's wife. Hawk the Cock doesn't need that Ashley Madison bullshit, he trolls for a piece on his Facebook network. Tony Hawk is keeping it all in the family.

Tony filed for divorce from his third wife Lhotse Merriam back in February and at that time released a statement saying they are committed to being loving parents to their daughter. Blah. Blah. Blah. But behind that precious image of Tony and Lhotse smiling gleefully for their daughter, the word "ESCANADALOOOOO" is in giant lights behind them. Page Six says that Tony pushed Lhotse down the ramp to ByeBitchville shortly after he started getting with the wife of his best friend and business partner Matt Goodman.

Matt and Tony have been friends since childhood and the former has been a groomsmen at all three of the latter's weddings. They founded a sports movie company together, but Matt has since quit that bitch for another media company.

Lhotse first sniffed out Tony's affair with Matt's wife Cathy when she found out the two were traveling together to San Francisco for what was supposed to be business. Tony and Lhotse split up a month later. Matt and Cathy, who were married for 20 years, also dropped their wedding rings into the compost pile.

Tony must have the stuff that makes a lady's clit do a flip trick, because homeboy looks like if Toucan Sam got botched rhinoplasty. Tony is smart, though. One of the annoying parts of starting a new relationship is having to introduce your new lovah to everybody. Tony doesn't have to bother with that, because all of his girlfriends have sat at the family table before.

But there's still a tornado of awkward moments coming their way. I mean, any time Tony meets one of Cathy's lady friends, she'll have to introduce him as: "My boyfriend and probably your future boyfriend."

Okay, so Mary Harvey is not totally like Tricia Walsh-Smith completely. Watching Tricia Walsh-Smith is like watching a sun damaged ostrich high on bath salts. Mary Harvey is more like a well-behaved French bulldog on human ludes. But both Tricia and Mary are fighting the same fight. Both want the truth of their asshole ex-husbands out there! Just like Tricia, Mary has taken to YouTube to spread her truth to the public. Mary goes hard on her ex-husband Steve Harvey and paints him as a cold-hearted man skank who dropped her for his side piece Marjorie (it's always a MARJORIE!) and then turned her own son against her. Based on that description alone, you just know Tyler Perry has already bought the film rights to Mary's YouTube Channel. Tyler is going to write, direct, produce and play both MARY and STEVE.

Mary goes on to say that her marriage died the day she accidentally received a filthy, dirty letter from Marjorie to Steve. Shortly after that, Steve put Mary out and moved Marjorie in. Mary says that she was with Steve when he had nothing and the two built their fortune together, but he didn't even give her a roll of toilet paper to wipe her ass with when their marriage ended. Steve left Mary homeless and broke.

Mary decided to set the shit straight in a series of YouTube confessionals, because Steve has filed a lawsuit against her. Steve, who thinks he's some sort of relationship expert, claims that Mary is the reason why he didn't get a show on Oprah's network. Since Mary's going around talking about Steve's passing the peen antics, Oprah didn't think he was the right person to be giving relationship advice on her network. To which I say....why not?! I mean, I'd pay good money to see Tiger Woods read from Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Not because I'm looking for relationship advice from Tiger Woods, but because that shit would be funny.

Mary says a lot more and you can press "play" if you need to know what that more is. I went as far as I could. It was kind of hard to watch, because the only question that kept pounding into my head was: "MARY, why the fuck did you wear that shade of lipstick for your YouTube debut?!" That lipstick makes her look like somebody siphoned the life right out of her. Like Steve Harvey siphoned the life right out of her. Now that I think about it, that's probably what Mary was going for. Points for that.

This week, the department of Passing the Peen brings you a cover story from UsWeekly about how Justin Timberlake's dick cried a river of man chowder all over Olivia Munn while Jessica Biel was thousands of miles away. Now, the name Olivia Munn doesn't pull anything out of me, so for those of you who know her better, check all the boxes that apply: [] skank [] bore [] dumb [] trash [] other, describe here ____________

A source that Justin and Olivia, who does shit on The Daily Show, first met at a MySpace event last month in the back of Avenue in NYC. They both decided that they wanted to sniff each other's parts later on so they exchanged phone numbers. Olivia must not be a whore to the core, because the source says she was wary about humping on another chick's piece. But Justin had that one figured out and lied to Olivia when he told her that he was no longer with Jessica. That's all Olivia needed to hear, because they got it on the next two nights at The Gansevoort Park Avenue Hotel. The source says they were "openly affectionate" at the hotel and later had "amazing" sex.

Okay, I was right there strolling next to the source until they said Justin and Olivia had "amazing" sex. How do they know this? Did the source have a deep Skype conversation afterwards with Olivia's pussy? Did they get a written statement for her exhausted clit? Did they talk to Justin's prostate (because you know he keeps a finger condom in his pocket for a little poking)?

And for some reason, I don't think Jessica Biel will care much. When she heard about this, she probably lifted her face from the ass she was nuzzling and barely let out a "meh".

The picture of Becks' alleged pussy peddler of choice is tiny, but her delicate brows of leased desire are still speaking to me softly. Brows so thin that Posh could wear one as a loose-fitting belt and use the other one to jump rope. But sadly, Posh will never do this, because the owner of those brows sexed up her husband for $10,000 a night. Posh hasn't taken a piss in over 5 years, but this really is going to piss her off in a major! Posh could've used that $10k to buy a pair of crocodile bedroom stilettos from Versace!!! DAMN BECKS!

High-class call girl (Oh, how I wish that was my job title) Irma Nici (Oh, how I wish that was my name) tells InTouch Weekly that Becks paid her $10,000 for one night of down low dicking back in 2007 (Oh, how I wish that was my life).

The 26-year-old (insert your "let me see your birf papers" side-eye here) premium prostitute says that Becks was a repeat customer and they did it 5 times during the course of the year. Irma broke the whore code and talked about Becks' skills:

"It was a high. All of these women dream of being with him, and I got to hook up with him. It was very exciting. He was very gentle and kind. He knew what he was doing."

On a sex skills scale of 1 to 10, Irma gave Becks a 7.5. She says he wasn't into anything too kinky, but he did fap in front of her using lotion from the hotel, “It was perfumed, so it kind of burned him!”

Becks also opened up to Irma a little bit and said that he got harder for Posh when she didn't have the body of xylophone mallet, “He was saying that he liked her body more before. He is more of a butt man than a breast man."

Blah. Blah. Blah. Posh & Becks have been here before. Remember the whole Rebecca Looser thing? So, Becks might buy a 24k-carat hooker every now and again. I'm not sure if this counts as the ultimate betrayal to Posh. The ultimate betrayal would be if Becks cut up her AMEX black card, or if he told her that she "has a butt in those pants." That's the real slap!