January Jones

As Miley Cyrus ran around with her hitchin' ring not on her finger, January Jones landed at LAX from Paris and kept her mouth shut ("Oh now that home wrecking hussy whore keeps her slut mouth shut." - Miley Cyrus) about whether or not she screwed Liam Hemsworth the night before the Oscars. Then TMZ's camera dude got bold and said to January, "People think you're a homewrecker, January. I'm just saying!" Since a true homewrecker never loses her cool and will later get revenge by fucking that camera dude's husband or wife, the ice queen didn't lose her cool and didn't say anything.

But CDAN is saying that January has the sads about all of this, because she had no idea that Liam Hemsworth was engaged to Miley Cyrus. Someone told CDAN that January doesn't really keep up with what's going in Hollywood so she didn't know Liam and Miley were (or are) together. When January asked him if he was dating anyone, he shook his head no and so they went at it. January's all upset, because she feels like the homewrecker label on her forehead was starting to fade and now she's getting blamed for wrecking Miley's home.

Oh, please. Anybody who sucks on Liam's tongue knows that he's dating Miley Cyrus, because the inside of his mouth probably tastes like moonshine, pot brownies and chipmunk pellets. Besides, Sienna Miller and I refuse to believe that January would lick the face of a man she thought was single. The #1 rule of home wrecking is: don't fuck single men! January Jones is the current reigning home wrecking queen of Hollywood and nobody can tell me otherwise. Truthfully, Liam Hemsworth should be getting all of the shit. January's coochie is free to do whatever it wants. And yes, Chris Brown just fainted at the thought of an emancipated pussy.

The chipmunk Susan Powter tweeted today that Billy Ray Cyrus and her cousins aren't driving toward Liam Hemsworth's house with a nail-embedded 2X4 in hand, because she didn't call off her wedding. Miley Cyrus twatted out the denial after Life & Style added more layers of escandalosoness (not really) to the rumor that Liam did her wrong by humping on Sienna Miller's home wrecker protégé January Jones the night before the Oscars. A witness type tells Life & Style that after January and Liam got close at the Chateau Marmont, they went to a house party together where she got on him like her bull dozer vagina was ready to wreck some homes! The witness said this:

“They went to a private house party, and right in the middle of the party, January was clinging to Liam, saying, ‘You’re so handsome.' He kept saying, ‘We can’t do this here.’ Then they left holding hands and went out in the hallway and were making out. She was wasted. It wasn’t good.”

A different source says that January is shameless when it comes to dudes and if your peen is taken, you move to the front of the line. So January could've gotten on Liam just to say that she can. MY SLUT HERO! But the other day, Lainey said in a blind item and in a post that Liam was flirting with Emma Watson at a pre-Oscar party and not January Jones.

Whatever the case may be, Miley isn't hearing any of that and she quit Twitter over all the useless noise filling her ears:

I am so sick of La. And sick of the lies that come with it. I didn't call off my wedding. Taking a break from social media. #draining

my new music is gonna shut everyone up.

not discussing anything but my music from now on.

Miley is right about her new music shutting everyone up, because it's kind of hard to talk shit when you're dry heaving while plugging your ear holes with your fingers.

I almost feel like this engagement was doomed from the beginning. Miley is only 20 and Liam is only 23 and they're both living the best years of their lives. What I mean by that is that they're at an age where they still have enough energy to be a huge whore.

And here's January Jonesingforyourman at the Miu Miu show in Paris today. This is what it would look like if Martian Girl from Mars Attack! was in a remake of Valley of the Dolls.

Miley Cyrus is sharpening her chipmunk teeth on a rock and Tish Cyrus is dipping her hooves in glue and glass, because they're coming for Liam Hemsworth that dick-stealing ice cold hussy harlot January Jones!

Miley's betrothed Liam Hemsworth went to a pre-Oscar party at Chateau Marmont on Saturday night and Star (via Radar) says that he was all over January Jones. Miley wasn't with him at the time or we'd probably be reading about how January was seen running down the driveway of Chateau Marmont as a rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth chipmunk chased after her.

A witness type says that party guests were all clutching their Tampax pearls while watching Liam and January get close. They weren't even trying to hide it and the witness said that they had some "hot chemistry." The witness type went on to say that they were all over each other and even kissed lips at one point.

At the end of the night, January and Liam got into the back seat of the same car and drove away together.

There are a million explanations for this. Maybe Miley and Liam broke up? Maybe Miley and Liam have one of those open relationship and she lets him dip his tongue in frozen twats and he lets her dip her tongue in twats? Maybe January Jones is a serious environmentalist and insists on carpooling to save money on gas? Maybe this eyewitness type was snorting that Lohan powder and had no idea what they were seeing, because it's kind of impossible for human icicle January Jones to have "hot" chemistry with anyone.

But then again, the magic phrase that opens up January's legs is, "You do know I have a fiancee (or wife), right?"

Since Sienna Miller is busy being a boring family woman now, somebody has to be Hollywood's premiere home wrecker and it might as well be January Jones.

The universe already has one David Bowie, and when we needed another David Bowie we were given Tilda Swinton, but we don't need anymore David Bowies. January Jones needs to know this, because almost every time she goes to an award show, she looks like she fell off the side of Bowie's home planet and plummeted through the universe before landing on Earth. January Jones went to the SAG Awards last night and showed up with a hairstyle that was NO in the front, NO in the back and NO on the sides. Just NO all the way around.

To go with her fug hair, January Jones wore an equally as fug dress. I realize that IN THIS ECONOMY you sometimes have to make a SAG Awards gown out of an old French maid costume you wore two Halloweens ago, but the end product was shit. But I will give January Jones points for wearing what looks like a sheer Dickey, because Dickeys need to make a comeback.

And January wasn't the only one with jacked up hair last night. Nicole Kidman looked like a Cocker Spaniel after a blowout, Lea Michele put the final nail in ombre hair's coffin and Alec Baldwin confirmed that the cabinet under his bathroom sink is filled with nothing but boxes of Just For Men hair dye (shade: Autumn Sunrise).

Christina Hendricks' husband can't believe his life either. His face has rarely moved out of that expression ever since Christina asked him, "Do you want to just slip the ring on my left nipple since you haven't looked at my face once!" during their wedding ceremony.

Mad Men went into the Emmys last night with 17 nominations and they walked away with nothing but a handful of drink tickets to use to drown their sorrows in the sweet nectar after losing EVERYTHING. Jon Hamm was nominated for Outstanding Actor in a Drama and he didn't get shit. Christina Hendricks was nominated for Outstanding Supporting Actress and she also didn't even get a tiny dingle out of the Emmy statue's ass. The only thing Mad Men won was the title of losingest TV show of all time. Northern Exposure and The Larry Sanders show both held the record for the most Emmy losses in one year (16 each) and so Mad Men beat both of their asses.

After THAT episode, I really thought I'd see Christina Hendricks on stage, balancing a trophy on her magnificent chichis while giving an acceptance speech, but that didn't happen. The Emmy bitches also didn't do the right thing by giving a very special humanitarian award to Jon Hamm's hamm loaf for enriching lives (and fuck parts) and making the world a better place. I swear, I was going to throw hate at January Jones for showing up looking like a goth alien going to a funeral, but her entire look was fitting.

And here's a few more pictures of the Mad Men cast who all took turns crying on the shoulders of Jon Hamm's peen (yes, it's so big it has shoulders): Christina Hendricks with her husband, The Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt, Elisabeth Moss, JJ, Sally Draper and that one who sings that French song.

After January Jones' baby Xavier Dane came out of her coochie in a block of ice and she chiseled him out, her frozen placenta slid out on a plate of dry ice. Just like all bitches (and some human moms) do, January decided to eat her placenta. But instead of turning it into a placenta bear to terrorize her baby forever or blending it with some rum (a placentarita!), January dried it with her ice cold bitch glare and turned it into vitamins. January tells People that her doula said placenta pills are like nature's Prozac!

“I have a great doula who makes sure I’m eating well, with vitamins and teas, and with placenta capsulation.

Your placenta gets dehydrated and made into vitamins. It’s something I was very hesitant about, but we’re the only mammals who don’t ingest our own placentas. It’s not witch-crafty or anything! I suggest it to all moms!”

I usually stuff myself with meat instead of the other way around, but if I popped out a placenta, would I stir fry it with some Hamburger Helper and serve it at a BBQ or some shit? Probably not. Would I pull a January and swallow that in a pill? Probably. Why not? I mean, January does have a point about the animal thing. I try to do whatever my dog does. My dog licks ass, I lick ass. My dog eats barf, I eat McDonald's....

Parts of JFK had to be thawed out this past weekend after stone cold ice queen January Jones strut through with her 6-month-old son Xander Jones. The National Enquirer, Star Magazine, InTouch and all those other tabloid hos shouldn't be able to sleep at night, because it's been MONTHS and they still haven't told us who's sending January a child support check every month! How do they live with themselves?!

You know, most babies look like skin blobs with cheeks to me, so I'm not the one to say that Xander's got Matthew Vaughn's hairline or Jason Sudeikis' ear lobes or Bobby Flay's lashes or Xander Berkley's left nostril or Jim Bob Duggar's graceful demeanor. Yeah, I know Jim Bob wasn't on the list of January's possible baby daddies, but whenever I see a white kid and I don't know who their father is, I just assume it's Jim Bob Duggar.

And you might be wondering if January Fergie-ed herself on the flight, but that isn't piss running down her leg. January just forgot to wear her dry ice bra on the flight, so her frozen heart melted and ran down her leg. That's all.

One of the world's greatest modern mysteries behind "What is that shit Taco Bell puts between a taco shell?" will not be answered today. January Jones is not unmasking the face of the dude who owned the sperm fish that took a chisel to the frozen shell that surrounds her icy ovary egg and pushed itself in. TMZ says that the birth certificate of her son, Xander Dane Jones, is completely blank on the spot where the daddy's name goes. Basically, January pretty much wrote: "If I did know, I still wouldn't tell you prying cunts."

The names Matthew Vaughn, Bobby Flay, Xander Berkley and Jason Sudeikis have all been thrown around as possibilities for the dude who will answer his door in 18 years to find a half ice cube, half human asking him, "Are you my daddy?" But I hope January keeps her face lips shut about this shit. January's heart is as frozen as a lima bean bag left in a hoarder's freezer and she's the kind of cunt that gives Heather Mills an inferiority complex, so this little bit of daddy mystery only makes me love her ice cold ass even more.

But we all know why January is really keeping the identity of her baby's father a secret from the public. January lets out a bitchified smile every time she thinks of Maury Povich waking up in the middle of the night with the cold sweats because he knows he will never ever live to see the day where he gets to publicly tell the true dad of January's baby that he IS the father.

January: 1, Maury: ziiiiilch

Score another point for January Jones as the Ice Cold Cunt Queen of the Century! (Heather Mills, you better peg a baby bunny in the face before JJ passes you up.) January Jones, the crab apple of my pink eye, has dared to throw hate at the human Fozzie Bear Zach Galivakankanawhatever and said that the high school girls ignored the words of Kelly LeBrock and hated JJ because she's beautiful.

And now January's former TV son is telling TV Guide (via Access Hollywood) in so many words that she's about as warm as getting a crushed ice enema in the freezer room of a North Woods. This is what Jared Gilmore, who left his role on Mad Men for another show, had to say when TV Guide asked him to give some advice to the boy who will replace him as Bobby Draper:

“Be careful around January [Jones]. She’s not as approachable as the others. She’s really serious about what she does. Everyone else is so nice.”

Children are usually straight up, so when a kid thinks you're a bitch, you're a for real bitch from the bottom of the B to the top of the H. Add January Jones' name to the list of things kids hate next to forest witches and sashimi. January should be proud. That's like getting a stamp of bitch authenticity.

I can't wait until January births out a block of ice that the doctors will have to chip at with a chisel to pull out her baby, because she's going to be the best mother ever. And by that I mean her kid is going to write the best sequel to Mommie Dearest ever.

Matthew Vaughn says to take a Sharpie to his name and cross it off the list of dudes who may have made a baby with January Jones. Matthew's lawyer tell E! News that he never stepped out on his wife, Claudia Schiffer, with January and is definitely not the father of her unborn baby. You probably didn't read a word I typed since you were too busy trying to solve the puzzle that is Matthew Vaughn's hedgehog hairline.

CDAN ran a blind item last night that pretty much named Matthew Vaughn as the father. Then today, E! News had sources telling them that Matthew and January were very close on the set of X-Men, which he directed. Sources also said that something in the milk looks like Matthew's sperm, because he and Claudia rented a house in Beverly Hills and were supposed to stay there until May. But as soon as January announced that she was knocked up, they moved out and went back to England. Claudia's rep said they were scheduled to go back at that time, because of their children's school schedule.

Then the plot thickened (yes, I pictured the same thing you pictured) when Matthew didn't show up to X-Men's screening in NYC last night. January was there, but Matthew's rep said that he was suffering from tonsillitis. And then after E! ran the story, Matthew's lawyers shut their shit down and said in their best Maury voice that he's not the father.

Is Matthew trying to tell me that he didn't do down low sex shit with January and when he broke it off, she dramatically told him in an ice cold cunt tone that she's having his baby whether he likes it or not! Is Matthew also trying to tell me that January didn't calmly call his wife in front of him while rubbing her stomach in a way that said, "....and I'll name my baby Matthew..." Is Matthew trying to tell me none of this happened? Damn. Damn. Damn. Just when January Jones was starting to become my new hero....

And here's January walking around in NYC today. I can't even look at her anymore!