Gary Busey

Gary Busey spent 7 minutes in heaven, LITERALLY, when he temporarily died on the operating table while neurosurgeons repaired his damaged brain after a serious motorcycle accident in 1988. Since Gary's frequent flyer miles include a trip to Heaven, he is an authority on the interior decorating style of God. (You ain't the only one, Colton Burpo.) So when it came time to shoot a scene in Heaven for that movie where Gary played a reincarnated Pomeranian dog, he refused to act in the scene, because the Heaven set didn't look like Heaven at all! Curtis Armstrong (aka Booger from Revenge of the Nerds) told this story when the AV Club (via Videogum) asked him what it was like working with the crazy sparkle of Hollywood:

AVC: Yeah, sorry for dragging this one up. But this was a movie where you appeared alongside Gary Busey, who plays a software tycoon who dies and is reincarnated as a dog. Busey’s such a weirdo force-of-nature that we have to ask about working with him.

CA: It was just what you’d imagine. That’s about the best way to put it. We were shooting this movie—which is a horrible movie—and he was supposed to come back from the dead. And he of course, Gary Busey, supposedly had done this—he’d been in an accident and died and came back. He showed up on a set made to look like Heaven, and he looked around and said, “I can’t play this scene.” They were three days behind at this point. But Busey said, “It’s nothing like this. I’ve been to Heaven and it doesn’t look like this. That sofa’s all wrong. That mirror is ridiculous. They don’t even have mirrors!” It was ridiculous. He was completely nuts about the design of Heaven.

But then on top of it, one of the guys playing an angel, had also died and come back. And this guy got into an argument with Busey about the way Heaven looked! The two of them wound up coming to blows and they had to send everybody home. So there you go. That’s what we were working with.

Gary Busey fighting with an actor in an angel costume about what Heaven looks like IS what Heaven looks like.

No mirrors in Heaven means no Kardashians in Heaven! Heaven truly is Heaven. But why doesn't anyone ever come back from Hell? They're always coming back from Heaven. Do they even have sofas in Hell? Are Hell's sofas just giant CROCS? Do they have mirrors? If they do, does the reflection of a topless Pimp Mama Kris look back at you every time you go to style your hair with House of Dereon gel (the #1 hair gel in Hell)? Somebody please tell me if there's mirrors in Hell, because I need to know how many bottles of Windex to bring when I'm packing for my trip to my afterlife.

Donald Trump and the producers of Celebrity Apprentice are wrong for making us sit through all 666 hours of last night's finale without delivering at least one quote of wisdom from the bump on my log (that didn't sound right) Dionne Atwarwithallthosehussieswick! As pretty much expected, Jabba the Trump (SPOILER ALERT) fired Marlee Matlin and burped out that John Rich was the winner of Celebrity Apprentice. How do you say "fuck this shit" in sign language? You know who would know? Dionne Warwick! But she was M.I.H.H.A. (missing in hussy hating action)!

Donald Trump never explained why the true star of the show wasn't at the finale. Nobody brought it up! They didn't even cut to a live stream of crusty old Dionne huffing at the lukewarm madness from the comfort of her stained La-Z-Boy in her TV room. There was no mention of the grouchy bat who gave that show life! That's like going to a Catholic mass where the priest never brings up Jesus' name!

When Trump asked everyone who should win, I really needed to see Grandma Dionne lower her shades and throw a coward-killing cut eye while saying, "None of these trollops! Now where's that hot supper I was promised?" When Star Jones accused NeNe Leakes of attacking all the black females on the show, I really needed Dionne to pull a switch out of her extra-large cardigan pocket and spook the silence into both of those hyena heffahs. When Marlee, John Rich and a chorus of signing children performed a cheese-jerker of a song, I really needed Dionne to slap one of those kids on the head after thinking they were flipping her off.

Beautiful bitchy moments. That's what Dionne is for...and sadly she wasn't there to provide any.

I used to think that Donald Trump was only capable of holding the position of President of M.I.A. Hairlines, but my mind is changing now that Gary Busey has announced that he will actively campaign if Trump runs for President! Fresh off his Celebrity Apprentice firing, the real life Drop Dead Fred gave his reasons for why he's voting for Trump and ended it with one of his signature Buseyisms. Trump just needs Amanda the Receptionist's stamp of approval and his White House (aka "The Gold and Onyx House" when Melania Trump gets done with it) dreams will definitely come true! (Cut to the Trump for President polls dropping faster than my patience whenever Gary opens his mouth.)

Besides, you have to side with a man who gives interviews to blogs in front of a bed at the La Quinta Inn & Suites. TRUMP/BUSEY 2012!

via Buzzfeed

I will not disagree with anybody who says that Gary Busey is a grand master of poetry whose language skills are so advanced that only Teletubbies truly know what he's saying (and vice versa). If NBC published the transcript of every episode of Celebrity Apprentice it would be filed into the American poetry section of your local library and that's partly because of the trailer mix of words that come flying out of his mouth. Well, technically they hit his bumper teeth, bounce off of his tonsils and then they come flying out of his mouth.

Like at the beginning of last night's episode, Gary shook the hand of the CEO of Camping World and said, "I know nothing's free, but my heart to your heart is free. Did you hear that?" POETRY! So beautiful it should be etched into crack rocks. And then Gary left Ivanka Trump completely hypnotized when he dazzled her with one of his homegrown acronyms (example: FREEDOM = Facing Real Exciting Energy Developing Our Miracles). GARY (Geezer Ass Rascal Yapping) is amazing! Not only does he have the face of Fire Marshall Bill, but he spits out the fiery truth too!

With all that being said, the quote of the night belongs to Ms. Dionne Warwick! Dionne Warwick is your run of the mill grouchy old bitch who doesn't give a fuck today and definitely won't give a fuck tomorrow. So Dionne spent 3 hours browsing for placemats and didn't come up with anything. She don't give a fuck! So everybody on the team is mad that Dionne hates deaf people. She don't give a fuck! But Dionne did give a fuck last night when she got in project manager Niki Taylor's face and had a few suggestions for how the team should be run. It ended with Dionne blurting out the line of the night: I'VE GOT YOUR NUMBER, HUSSY!

"I've Got Your Number, Hussy!" should really be the name of Dionne's comeback single. I thought "hussy" died with the plague, but Dionne brought it out of its casket and gave it new life! I swear, I just want to piss Dionne off (which isn't hard) so she can call me a HUSSY (Harlots Undermining Sassy Sexy Yodelers).

And let's really end this post with a BANG in the form of Detective La Toya's trailer outfit from last night.

She looks like an Appalachian child hooker circa 1991 who is off to Las Vegas for a better life.

How bitches aren't rushing the stage to slip cash between the God given money clip on Gary Busey's ass is beyond me. They didn't even shove a dollar under his fupa? Maybe they were too mesmerized by his twerks and thrusts to move? That's it.

You know, besides Detective La Toya's overall being and NeNe's pursed side-eyes at everyone, Gary Busey and his "crazed preacher preaching to the coke choir" act is the best part of Celebrity Apprentice. I don't even know what kind of words come out of his mouth half the time, but he still makes me clap like a reality whore in a fight. Gary is a true show man and he put his skills to good use at the Celebrity Apprentice cast party in Las Vegas on Sunday night. That stripper pole is almost as big as Gary's toothbrush, so of course he knows how to work that shit like he's trying to start a wave of heaves. BEHOLD:

Not a dry hole was left in that bitch! Yes, most of the holes were wet with a thin layer of vom, but still!

The cast of The Whore Pit Viper Extravaganza (official name: Celebrity Apprentice) hasn't been officially announced yet, but Donald Trump's gang of wrecks met in Las Vegas last weekend for a launch party before shooting starts in NYC, so names have leaked and it's a mess. I knew Detective La Toya was doing it, but I didn't know about Gary Busey. It almost reads like the patient list on a sign-in sheet at a crazy house. Here's the supposed cast list courtesy of Zap2It:

Detective La Toya Jackson: Beauty icon, Bubbles' confidante and protegee of Sherlock Holmes.
Mark McGrath: The evil and Sun-In-ed minion responsible for that annoying "Fly" song.
Dionne Warwick: Singer, actress, my messenger and alleged friend of the good shit.
Jose Canseco: Former baseball player, former roid aficionado and former Madge victim.
Lil Jon: Rapper and dentist's nightmare (or dream, depending on the dentist).
Star Jones: A LAWYER and Gay Al Reynolds' ex purse holder.
Gary Busey: Crazy's best customer, of course, of course.
Marlee Matlin: Oscar winning actress!!
David Cassidy: The ghost of Justin Bieber's future.
Niki Taylor: Supermodel and co-host of that Make Me A Supermodel tragedy
Meat Loaf: Like you need to ask....
Nene Leakes: One of the Real Foreclosed Housewives of Atlanta.
Lisa Rinna: Actress, reality star, store owner, and lip abuser.
Richard Hatch: First winner of Survivor, tax cheater and the winner of Mr. Sweet Prison Nalgas '08.
Hope Dworaczyk: Some trick.
John Rich: One half of the country duo Big & Rich.

Star Jones is going to wish she still had some chunk when NeNe tries to stomp on her in the boardroom. Lil Jon is going to wish he was bald when Gary Busey refuses to stop nibbling on his dreads. And EVERYONE is going to wish they didn't sign up for this mess when Detective La Toya reveals all of their secrets in front of a roaring fireplace.

When this shit is over Trump Tower will be nothing but dust and all that will be left will be Donald Trump's hair and one of Gary Busey's Chiclets. I can't wait.

Finally, here's some news that will make you want to kiss Gary Busey's jumbo mouth Chiclets and let him chew on your favorite sweater. When Gary Busey isn't fluttering over California and spreading his sparkly lunatic dust, he's saving lives! I always knew that beneath all those layers of crazy were more layers of crazy and then more layers of crazy and then more layers of crazy and then a hero's heart!

TMZ says that earlier this week, Gary came upon a major car wreck in Malibu and he immediately jumped into action. Police sources say that Gary called 911 and then stopped traffic by blinding drivers with his smile. Who needs orange cones, right?

Gary even stayed with one of the injured until the ambulance pulled up. The injured man's mother says that her son is doing fine and what Gary did was "very sweet and caring." Yes, the man freaked out when he woke up and thought the jaws of life were coming at him, but other than that he's thankful for Gary's good samaritan ways!

Gary has yet to comment because admitting that he's a true hero might fuck with his reputation as the craziest crazy in Hollyweird.

You might be wondering what baby I'm talking about since all you see is a field of calcified giant Chiclets, but just tilt your head to the left and back up a bit. There's BABY posing with his father Gary Busey for Entertainment Tonight.

It's good to see that Gary's girlfriend didn't give birth to a humongous pair of dentures, but I do have one concern. If Baby Luke should find himself alone in a forest for some reason and a deranged horse (or a rabid beaver) came at him, would he hug it and call it daddy or would he crawl away FOR HIS LIFE like he should? Hm. Something to ponder.

And here's another one:

Baby Luke looks so excited, because he's seeing his reflection in Gary Busey's huge ass teefs for the first time!