Sean Penn

You know how sometimes a kid will grow up to be the opposite of their parent or parents? Like if a girl's mom is a deranged, crack-brained mess of stained antique lace and delusions, she'll decide that she wants to be nothing like that and will grow up to be a sane and reasonable human being whose brain isn't powered by Adderall powder (shout out to Courtney Love and FB!). Or if a dude's mom is a healthy, smart and responsible individual, he'll go the opposite way and grow up to be a disgusting dumb slut whose brain is powered by Taco Bell meat (shout out to my mom and me!). Well, that's not what Hopper Penn's doing. Hopper Penn is following right behind his douchebag dad.

TMZ has a video of Sean Penn and his 19-year-old son Hopper going into a building in Beverly Hills yesterday afternoon. Sean pretty much keeps his charbroiled ALF face down and ignores the paparazzo as he walks into the building. The paparazzo turns around and starts taking pictures of Hopper for some reason and the spawn of Sean Penn responded by ramming the pap. The pap being the pap started screaming shit like, "Don't ever do that! Don't to that to yourself! You're a kid!" Etc....etc... Hopper Penn being Sean Penn's kid yelled back at the pap and called the pap, who is African American, a "faggot" and a "nigger."

The cops showed up, but nothing happened, because the pap didn't want to press charges. Sean Penn's damage control publicist crawled into Hopper Penn's body and spit out this canned apology:

“I was accosted by paparazzi and made to feel like an animal - threatened and under attack, but that does not condone my own actions. I deeply regret my choice of words.”

Well, at least Sean and Hopper both have videos to share during father/son bonding night.

I was going to blame this on the fact that Sean and Robin Wright gave their kid a first name that should only be given to a cartoon character in the Winnie the Pooh world, but I'm just going to blame this on the fact that dude's father is Sean Penn. Dude was screwed as soon as he swam out of Sean's peen slit.

Of course, we all knew it was only a matter of seconds before Hugo Chavez's widow Sean Penn would come up to the podium to say some words about the death of his only friend in the world and here he is, right on time. There's still swelling on my eye rolling muscle from when the human Alf cried about how he's never been truly loved before in this life. But Sean Penn was lying, because Hugo Chavez truly loved him and he loved Hugo Chavez back and he'll never take off his black lace mourning veil again. Sean Penn gave this statement about the death of his homie to The Hollywood Reporter:

"Today the people of the United States lost a friend it never knew it had. And poor people around the world lost a champion. I lost a friend I was blessed to have. My thoughts are with the family of President Chavez and the people of Venezuela. Venezuela and its revolution will endure under the proven leadership of Vice President Maduro."

Meanwhile, Sean Penn's nemesis and a much bigger Hollywood star than him, Maria Conchita Alonso, is going on a Twitter rampage over the death of Hugo Chavez. Maria Conchita Alonso tweeted that she's relieved and then pointed her freshly sharpened shank at Sean Penn for calling Hugo Chavez a secret friend to the US. I know Maria Conchita Alonso would rather listen to Taylor Swift's problems (the worst torture imaginable) than go to Hugo Chavez's funeral, but I kind of hope she does and I hope she comes at Sean Penn, because it's been much too long since we've had a good old-fashioned funeral brawl.

Hugo Chavez died of cancer at the age of 58 in Venezuela and that's your cue to stick a pair of plugs in your ears, because Sean Penn is going to throw a black lace mourning veil over his face and wail as he throws himself on top of the coffin. Bitch is going to give the melodramatic abuelita performance of all melodramatic abuelita performances.

And you probably didn't read anything I typed, because you were too busy pointing at the picture while saying, "Look, it's a silly bird in a red beret!"

Looking like Alf with a Katt Williams wig on, Sean Penn is on the cover of Esquire magazine and he also talked to them about all the matters of his corroded douche bag heart. Sean Penn was married to Robin Wright for 14 years and they have two kids together, but he tells Esquire that he doesn't feel she truly, really loved him. When Sean and Robin got divorced, he realized that their love was fraudulent and she really wasn't into being married to him (do you blame her?). Here's the Woe-ing of Sean Penn:

“There is no shame in saying that we all want to be loved by someone. As I look back over my life in romance, I don’t feel I’ve ever had that. I have been the only one that was unaware of the fraud in a few of these circumstances blindly. When you get divorced, all the truths that come out, you sit there and you go, 'What the fuck was I doing? What was I doing believing that this person was invested in this way?' Which is a fantastically strong humiliation in the best sense. It can make somebody very bitter and very hard and closed off, but I find it does the opposite to me.”

Sean Penn doesn't think he's very bitter? If I dipped his dick in a cup of muddled sugar cubes and whiskey, I'd have an old-fashioned. I shouldn't say that. We should all feel sorry for poor, unloved Sean Penn. When Sean Penn tied Madonna to a chair after slapping her around, he looked into her eyes and she didn't give him a look of love. She never loved him! When Sean Penn used to spoon with Hugo Chavez in a tent in the middle of a jungle Venezuela, Hugo would pull away after a few minutes. He never loved him! When Sean Penn would come home smelling like random twat and Robin would sneer at him, she did it with disgust and not love. She never loved him! Sean Penn doesn't beat bitches up because he's a raging anus. He does it because he's acting out over not being loved. When is somebody going to love Sean Penn?!

But you know, if Sean Penn wants to be loved, he needs to take a trip to him first. Because if he doesn't love himself, who will? And based on that haircut, he obviously doesn't love himself.

Besides the DMV, Denny's, public transportation and a Latin family reunion, the best bitch brawls go down at the airport. Why oh why couldn't Sean Penn and Maria Conchita Alonso fight it out at JFK this Friday when I'm there. I need this live entertainment in my life. Instead, Maria and the mutated nutsack shanked each other with words at LAX on Sunday afternoon. It all had to do with Sean Penn's main homegirl Hugo Chavez.

Maria, who was raised in Venezuela, tells Page Six that she once raged against Sean about his love for Chavez in an open letter, but she never got a response. While picking up her mom at LAX, Maria saw Sean in AA's baggage claim area and she took that opportunity to serve him the truth according to CONCHITA ALONSO!!! Maria says their word brawl went something like this:

Maria: I would like to talk to you.

Sean: I have nothing to say to you. You have been saying a lot of things about me in the press.

Maria: How can you defend Chavez? You are a communist, Sean Penn.

Sean: You are a pig!

Maria: And you are a communist asshole! Is it great to live the way you do as a communist?

Maria walked away, but Sean kept yelling at her and she yelled back.

Maria called into WMAL in DC (hilarious clip below) and apologized for calling Sean an asshole, but she still thinks he's a communist. When Page Six asked Sean about this, he responded like the dehydrated roid-faced diva he is and acted like he didn't know it was Maria Conchita Alonso at the time:

“I only knew that a hostile woman was nonsensically berating me. I didn’t realize it was that actress. I think I worked with her once. But she looks really different. She was uninformed and impolite to all the other passengers.”

"That actress." Ha. For a dude who has a face like a hot boil on a devil's ass, he sure does throw some cold shade. So I give him a gold star for that.

Never mind that this is a direct insult to communist assholes, I'm kind of disappointed at how this fight went down. Maria and Sean were in Colors together, so the right way to handle this fight would've been for her to put on a red bandanna and for him to put on a blue bandanna. Then they should've beat each other with gats until Robert Duvall broke 'em up with his baton.

That's the spirit, Mad Mel. If you can't get a trick to blow you before Jacuzzi, do the blowing yourself. I've said it before, if you can't beat 'em, blow 'em, but Mad Mel went above and beyond by blowing and beatin' them at the same time!

Last night in Beverly Hills, the roof of The Beverly Hilton almost cracked and exploded into space from the force of a million swollen egos when Mel Gibson, Sean Penn, Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux and Jodie Foster all gathered in one ballroom to honor Robert Downey Jr.'s contribution to American cinema. And by "contribution" they really mean his role in Weird Science.

After Sean Penn, Jennifer Aniston and Mel Gibson all licked on RDJ's taint by showering him with kind words, he used his time on stage to defend his friend Mel. Oh here go hell come....

“This is my fuckin’ time. Mel and I have the same lawyer, same publicist and same shrink. I couldn’t get hired and he cast me. He said if I accepted responsibility – he called it hugging the cactus – long enough my life would take meaning and if he helped me I would help the next guy. But it was not reasonable to assume the next guy would be him.

Unless you are without sin, and if you are you are in the wrong fucking industry, you should forgive him and let him work."

Don't tell us what to do, RDJ....unless you're about to tell us to nibble your nipples in a gentle manner.

The way I see it there's three kind of people:

1. The people who won't forgive Mel Gibson, because he's an anti-Semitic canker sore on a dehydrated asshole and just when they start to feel like he's changed his crusty mouth shits out another racist nugget. The glum cunt just keeps fucking up and he can't even get a blowjob!

2. The people who have forgiven Mel Gibson and can watch his movies without seeing him as the lady-abusing, anti-Semitic canker sore on a dehydrated asshole that he really is.

3. The people who have looked under the bed, searched the cushions of their sofa, checked the back of their fridges and still can't find one fuck to give about Mel Gibson.

Even if we were all #1 people, Mel's dumb stupid busted ass would still be fine. The shitbag has millions and a Jacuzzi jet to keep him company for the rest of his days. RDJ should've saved his words for somebody who really deserves them, like his Soapdish co-star Cathy Moriarty. Now that is a bitch who really needs a major movie comeback in a big way!

Here's more pictures from last night's American Cinematheque Awards. I wish there was a picture of Sean Penn and Mel Gibson together. Together they would look like a wrinkly and crusty old man nutsack glistening under a tanning bed light.

Sean Penn has the hair of a low-ranking mobster turned car salesman whose fingers always smell like cigars and tuna fish water, the face of a scorched Proboscis monkey, the sanity of a bat's colostomy bag and the temper of your average MTA bus rider, but would you stop sitting with me at the back table if I said that his body makes me say that I would? I was about to say that I wish I was a rescue boat that needed plugging, but that's going too far and it's only Tuesday in Monday's clothing. So I'll eat the rest of my thoughts about this topic while your brain eats the image of the sentence before this one. On that note....

Here's more of 50-year-old Sean Penn with his new piece-of-the-moment Stacey Koplin in Malibu yesterday.

Sean Penn and ScarJo are supposed to be broken up! The Internet told us so. But here they are together at last night's Spike TV Awards in L.A. One of two things is happening. Either People Magazine was talking about the OTHER ScarJo & Sean Penn breaking up and this ScarJo & Sean Penn are still doing it. Or ScarJo is only posing with Keith Richard's nutsack so hos won't say that they threw each other shade backstage. ScarJo might be saying to herself: "UGH! ScarJo! Thanks to your poor decisions, you have to stand here with this wrinkled old testicle face like everything's good and pretty! The next time you want to suck on an over-microwaved shriveled hot dog, suck on an over-microwaved shrivel hot dog instead of Sean Penn's dick. ARGH!" ScarJo says "ARGH" and "UGH" a lot, so I'm going to say that the latter is the true story behind this picture.

Here's a few more pictures from the awards show that gave awards to bitches for absolutely no reason. Sean Penn won something. So did Keith Richards and Jennifer Aniston. Aniston was pretty excited about winning that trophy. And not because she won something, but because she finally had something to hang her Cabbage Patch Kids' winter coats on!

In order: Aniston, Sean Penn, ScarJo, the hot sisters from The Fighter, Rosie Huntington-Whatever, Eva Mendes, Justin Timberlake, Minka Kelly, Ben Affleck, Jim Carrey, Cameron Diaz, Keef Richards & Marky Mark.

I knew this day would come someday, but I thought it would be in a few months from now when grainy cell phones pictures of Sean Penn doing a line of the bad shit off of a relief worker's thigh in a tent in Haiti would show up on the front page of The News of the World. But nope, today is the day that ScarJo woke up and realized that she was done humping on a water damaged leather duffel bag filled with douche water. Yup, she's done enough leather bag humping to last her a few lifetimes. The details from People:

Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn are no longer dating, a source tells PEOPLE.

Speculation about the pair began after Johansson did not attend the Cannes Film Festival with Penn for his movie The Tree of Life. She has been working on The Avengers in New Mexico, reprising her role of Black Widow from Iron Man 2.

Johansson, 26, and Penn, 50, made headlines when they took a whirlwind trip to Cabo San Lucas after being spotted getting flirty together during a lunch date in Los Angeles.

Spokeswhores for both ScarJo and Sean Penn kept their lips shut about this.

Weren't there a few blind items that insinuated that ScarJo had a case of the BABIES??!!! Either the impossible has happened and a blind item is not true, or ScarJo's going to pull a January Jones. Maybe she'll run back to Ryan Reynolds and tell him that the baby is his. Everything will be candy coated rainbows until ScarJo gives birth to a baby with a German Shepherd face and a hankering for tying hos to chairs. Ryan's eyes will widen, ScarJo will scream and the baby will beat all of them with a bat. If life was Telemundo, that's what would happen.

As Angie Jolie, Jude Law, Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani watched, Jessica Chastain nearly suffered third-degree heat burns in her palms when she held hands with live burning men, Sean Penn and Brad Pitt, at the Tree of Life premiere at Cannes today. On a positive note, if Jessica's curls go limp, she could wrap her locks of hair around Sean Penn's finger and wait until that shit starts to smoke.

I mean, we all know that Sean Penn uses lighter fluid as moisturizer and has the complexion of teriyaki beef jerky, but Brad Pitt needs to run away from the bronzer bath. Fighting the hot with orange grease is an illegal act! I just want to throw him into a stainless steel bin marked "orange chicken" at Panda Express. Dude just needs a turtleneck and he'll be the front-runner for the lead role in a Robert Evans biopic.