Hot Slut of the Week

Birthday: September 29, 1956
Age: 52
Birth Name: Jane Velez-Mitchell

Original Date of HS of the Day: June 30, 2009
Claim to Fame: Jane has been a TV shouter (aka commentator) on every damn network from KCAL in L.A. to E! to Court TV.

Where is she now? Jane has her own show on HLN called Hair Issues with Jane Velez-Mitchell!

Why is she HS of the Week? The dyke mullet! Durrr. And Jane is a former boozehound, who yaps about it all the time. So she gets major points for that She's also an open gayelle (just call her Jane Velezzie-Mitchell!). Do you think she's ever scissored Nancy Grace after both of them had too many Mud Slides at TGI Fridays?

Below is a clip of Jane in action. I'm not sure what she's saying, because ears are temporarily out of service due to all her shouting. But the bitch knows how to point! That's a strong finger there! I bet she finger bangs like a motherfucker!

Birthday: ?
Age: ?
Birth Name: I don't know, but please tell me her real last name is Fux. I want to marry her just so I can change my name to Michael Fux. Doesn't it sound like that's the way it was meant to be?

Original Date of HS of the Day: June 23, 2009
Claim to Fame: I just became aware of this refined beauty, but from what I know she's a model/actress/mess/toxic zone in Israel. Orit also claims to have the biggest plastic tittays domes in Israel.

Where is she now? Probably breastfeeding a baby giraffe, because they are like her children. Click here to see a video of Orit showing her maternal-side with some giraffes. It's a good thing her chichis look like unripe watermelons or they would've bit at them.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because Orit is the Shauna Sand and Jodie Marsh of Israel! Take a trip down elegance lane and gaze at some of Orit's beautiful pictures. Orit is not copying Pamela Anderson, Pamela is copying her. That's just fact.

Birthday: ?
Age: ?
Birth Name: Strawberry Hill

Original Date of HS of the Day: June 20, 2009
Claim to Fame: Boone's Farm was founded in 1873, but it didn't become a classic until they started selling malt liquor for those with finer tastes. Strawberry Hill was their second flavored nectar of the gods. Apple was the first.

Where is it now? Probably getting some high school student drunk for the first time. Strawberry Hill really is an important part of a teenager's life.

Why is it HS of the Week? Because you whores sent me some beautiful stories about your first dance with Strawberry Hill. One of you toasted with it at your wedding (a truly elegant affair) and another of you skanks barfed it up on a dude who was about to take your V-card. Touching stories all around.

Here's a Strawberry Hill commercial from the olden times. The Strawberry Hill granny is a real gangsta. "One sip and it's Strawberry Hill forever" is RIGHT.

Birthday: ?
Age: ?
Birth Name: Quween on the Scene, obviously.

Original Date of HS of the Day: June 8, 2009
Claim to Fame: TMZ first started picking up on Quween immediately when she started busting the paps for effing with famehos. Quween became the ruler of the streets and a savior to all celebwhores! I got buttery for Quween when she started a war with Chicken Cutlets. Thankfully, they called a truce, so I don't have to pick a side.

Where is she now? Protecting the streets of Beverly Hills from the posarassi!

Why is she HS of the Week? Because Quween has embraced the title! Kat Tales TV asked the Quween how she felt about being named a Hot Slut of the Day and this is what she had to say. It's a little intimate, so you might need a ciggie and a hot wash cloth afterwards.

Birthday: 1963ish
Age: 46ish
Birth Name: Danielle Staub, Beverly Merrill, Danielle Merrill, Steven Tyler, who knows?

Original Date of HS of the Day: June 3, 2009
Claim to Fame: The breakout star (sorry to Teresa's creeping hairline) of The Real Mobwives and Ex-Cokewhores of New Jersey.

Where is she now? Probably giving her daily blowjob to her 26-year-old boyfriend who has the head of a 50-year-old. Now that's some BENJAMIN BUTTON'S shit.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because everyone (men, women, children, animals) can relate to Danielle. We've all been accused of being coke whores at one time or another. Also, Danielle continues to be an elegant woman of mystery. Think of all the things that her exquisite eyebrows have seen and experienced. The secrets they hold!

Birthday: We'll know when, because all of the possums and beavers in the world will gather together to celebrate.
Age: ?
Birth Name: Fluffy or Spot

Original Date of HS of the Day: May 24, 2009
Claim to Fame: I don't even remember Kate Gosselin before her signature roadkill coif. It's like she was born again when that mammal laid on her head. It gave her a second life!

Where is it now? Chilling on Kate's head and nibbling on a snack mix made of Jon's pubic hair, Aunt Jodi's chewed off toe nails and leftover placenta.

Why is it HS of the Week? Because it is changing the world of fugly!

My stupid ass was too busy bonging and donging last week, so I totally forgot to name Hot Slut of the Week. That's why there will be two Hot Slut of the Week posts in a row. Yes, I know I smell. Better late than never!

Birthday: ?
Age: Ageless.
Birth Name: Manny, Moe & Jack or Wendy, Chyna & Carnie

Original Date of HS of the Day: May 21, 2009
Claim to Fame: The Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt phenomenen started thanks to a student named Brian Govern. One day, he decided to leave a satirical comment on Amazon about how the t-shirt attracted women. A legend was born! Today, the t-shirt has over 900 comments. 50% of which are made of pure comedy.

Where is it now? Why it's right here. Where it will always be until the end of time.

Why is it HS of the Week? Because when I stare at it, I can hear the wolves howling "Maaaaake ussssssss hooooooottt sluuuuuuuutttttttts."

Birthday: ?
Age: ?
Birth Name: Masanobu Sato

Original Date of HS of the Day: May 16, 2009
Claim to Fame: Masanobu is the biggest jerk-off the world has ever seen and he'll take that as a compliment. At this year's Masturbate-A-Thon in San Francisco, Masanobu beat (punned on purpose) his old record and jacked it for 9 hours and 58 minutes. Masanobu owes all his success to the Tenga which is like a rubber pussy egg.

Where is he now? Masanobu says he's going to pass on competing in the world jack-off contest in Copenhagen, because his peen is about to file a restraining order against him. But he hopes that one day he can choke the skin noodle for at least 10 hours. Oh, lord. Put an IV in his dick!

Why is he HS of the Week? Because Masanobu has turned masturbation into a serious business. Masanobu is just another example as to why Japan is like the greatest country EVER!

And (NSFW) click here to see a picture of Masanobu chillin' out with another dude while they both have tennis ball tubes over their wangs.

Birthday: ?
Age: ?
Birth Name: Please tell me it's Felix Cane!

Original Date of HS of the Day: May 9, 2009
Claim to Fame: Felix started poppin' her pussay on the pole in 2006 and quickly became one the greatest in dah woooorld. She has won Miss Pole Dance Australia and Miss Pole Dance World.

Where is she now? Felix's pole skills can be seen nightly at Cirque de Soleil's Zumanity show in Las Vegas. The last time I was in Vegas, I was going to go see that show, but some dumb whores kept telling me it fucking sucks! But next time I'm in Vegas, I will definitely be there to witness Felix's pole work.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because if I wasn't a lazy ho who would rather suck pole than dance on it, this is the shit I'd be doing for exercise. Felix almost inspires me. Almost. Below is another clip of Felix making the angels swoon with her skills.

Birthday: April 19, 1969
Age: 40
Birth Name: Jesse Gregory James

Original Date of HS of the Day: April 27, 2009
Claim to Fame: Jesse is the owner of West Coast Choppers, which I guess is like hot shit in the motorcycle world. This led to Jesse getting his own show on the Discovery Channel called Monster Garage. Jesse also has his own clothing line, burger joint and a magazine. He's also married to that broad from Speed.

Where is he now? Jesse is on The Celebrity Apprentice and that's where my heart grew fonder for him. Jesse acts and dresses like he just got out of prison! He has those shifty eyes and you don't know where he's going to shank you, rape you or hug you.

Why is he HS of the Week? Because of the description above. And because he won a pie-eating contest! A pie-eating contest. That's reason enough. Clip below:

Image source: Flickr