Hot Slut of the Week

Birthday: September 19, 1942
Age: 66
Birth Name: Fred Charcelia Payne (she should've gone by Charcelia)

Original Date of HS of the Day: April 23, 2009
Claim to Fame: Freda is most known for singing that "Band of Gold" song. The song that is probably in every single romantic comedy. In addition to her music career, Freda has acted in movies and on Broadway. Freda even had her own talk show in 1981 called "Today's Black Women." She was Oprah before Oprah!

Where is she now? At the bar. Call. She'll be there.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because I never knew Freda was one of us (a drunk) until I saw her tear it up on American Idol last week. I'd do a pussy shot with her anytime, anywhere.

Birthday: 1961
Age: 47ish
Birth Name: Susan Boyle

Original Date of HS of the Day: April 13, 2009
Claim to Fame: Susan Boyle made thousands of black hearts beat for the first in a while when she took her teddy bear ass on Britain's Got Talent last weekend. I swear, mean ass whores who only use the words "cunt and bitch" e-mailed saying how they have fallen for a big lump of sweet honey named Susan. They are hypnotized by her voice and bewitching eyebrows!

Where is she now? Probably being given the key to the world by Jesus himself.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because if I didn't crown her Hot Slut of the Week, some bitch will cast a black spell on me and I'd wake up with overgrown pube bushes over my eyes. The horror! Plus, Susan is really kind of hard to hate on. I've tried! In case you missed it, here's her singing "My Eyebrows Will Go On" on Larry King last week:

Birthday: 1989ish
Age: 20
Birth Name: Ross Somethingoranother

Original Date of HS of the Day: April 9, 2009
Claim to Fame: Ross is the self-appointed #1 male Barbie in Scotland. Ross believes that you can never be too orange (that might be Xtina's personal motto), you can never wear enough fake gold jewelry and your coochie cutters can never be too short. Because of this, the BBC came to visit Ross in Aberdeen for an episode of Snog, Marry, Avoid. I think it airs soon.

Where is he now? Ross is either doing himself with a bronzer stick or he's at the free clinic being treated for foundation poisoning. It's also possible that Ross is working the day shift as the main Oompa Loompa fluffer.

Why is he HS of the Week? Basically, because of the trailer below and because of his Bebo page. Seriously, check out his amazing page. How many wonders does one cavern hold?

Birthday: November 30, 1972
Age: 36
Birth Name: Abel Luís da Silva Costa Xavier (The longer the name, the longer the dick?)

Original Date of HS of the Day: April 4, 2009
Claim to Fame: Abel is a footballer-type who has played for Portugal, Middlesbrought and Los Angeles.

Where is he now? Abel got let go from the L.A. Galaxy, because he was apparently talking trash about the manager!

Why is he HS of the Week? I only became aware of Abel very recently and my no-no already goes pitter-patter for him. Not only does he know his way around a ball or two, but the bitch also likes to get freaky with a bottle of peroxide. You know his dick area looks like a burnt hot dog sitting in a bed shiny Ramen noodles. Get me some of that!

Birthday: In the 60s or 70s
Age: Cougar age
Birth Name: Volkswagen T2a

Original Date of HS of the Day: March 28, 2009
Claim to Fame: It's a van. A van on an island. That's it.

Where is it now? Still making trouble on that damn island.

Why is it HS of the Week? While Lost continues to mind fuck me by jumping all over the fucking place like Gary Busey's eyeballs after a rumble with the wrong shit, I can always count on the Dharma van to remain the same. Yeah, it gets dirty every now and again, but it stays blue. Always blue. And ever since the Abandoned Couch has come and gone (never forget), there's been an empty place on this site for an inanimate hot slut.

Birthday: February 2, 1948
Age: 61
Birth Name: Ina Rosenberg

Original Date of HS of the Day: March 20, 2009
Claim to Fame: Ina can do it fucking all. She's a military wife who worked at the White House, but got sick of that shit, so she bought and ran a store called Barefoot Contessa in New York. After the store closed, she started writing cookbooks which led to her show on the Food Network.

Where is she now? Probably sticking pins in her Sandra Lee voodoo doll.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because Ina Garten does it all with grace and elegance. She's a self-taught cook, hostess and former house flipper! I have no clue why, but I'm fucking obsessed with house flipping. That's what Ina needs to do next: a house flipping show. I'd watch it until my eyeballs crusted over.

Birthday: February 9, 1968
Age: 41 in human years
Birth Name: Alejandra Gabriela Guzmán Pinal

Original Date of HS of the Day: March 11, 2009
Claim to Fame: Alejandra is a really famous rock singer in Mexico. She has been called the Vadge of Mexico because she eats young boys with her cooter. No, because she is always changing herself or something.

Where is she now? Last year, Escandalo TV (amazing) reported that she was in rehab. It was about the same time that her daughter Frida was in a hospital for ODing on drugs and shit. Bitch has never crossed over, but I'm still hopeful. She said she would never "dye her hair" to try be American. Dye it like what? The fucking American flag?

Why is he HS of the Week? Because nobody wears straw like she does. And I'm sure if that if I heard her say "escandalo," my ears would shut down, because nothing else would ever top that.

Birthday: 2000 or 2001 (I can do math!)
Age: 8
Birth Name: Ugly Bat Boy

Original Date of HS of the Day: March 1, 2009
Claim to Fame: Uggs (not to be confused with you know what) has always been a hometown star in Exeter, New Hampshire, but the world has started taking notice of his beauty and now the pussy is internationally famous.

Where is he now? Uggs holds it down at his owner's veternary hospital, but he might hit Hollywood soon. His owner said they just got an offer to do Ellen Degeneres' show. After that will be a spread in Elle Magazine, then a Cover Girl contract and then he'll be announced as the new host of America's Next Top Pussy.

Why is he HS of the Week? Because beauty like this doesn't come around too often. But keep Beyonce away from him, because she might try to make a wig out of his fur.

Birthday: August 18, 1915
Age: 93!!!!
Birth Name: Clara Bonfanti

Original Date of HS of the Day: February 24, 2009
Claim to Fame: Clara grew up during the Great Depression, so she is taking her knowledge of turning caca into delicious meals and sharing it with all of us on YouTube! I'm still waiting to see what she can do with Top Ramen and a bag of moldy bread from the Wonder Bread outlet.

Where is she now? Clara is working on a DVD and it's only a matter of time before she judges a Top Chef challenge. Actually, Clara should compete on that shit. She would win, for real.

Why is he HS of the Week? Because 2009 is the year of the memaws and Clara is going to lead the pack. Click here to join her Facebook group.

Birthday: Helen Thomas
Age: 89
Birth Name: August 4, 1920

Original Date of HS of the Day: February 12, 2009
Claim to Fame: The journalist and all journalists! Homegirl has too many accomplishments to list here, so go to her Wiki page for those facts, or better yet, watch her HBO documentary Thank You, Mr. President. That's where I fell in love with this bitch.

Where is she now? Kicking ass and taking names.

Why is he HS of the Week? Because I fucking love an old bitch who doesn't mess around. A bitch who will take off her dentures, put on her chunkiest jewelry and fuck you up if the situation calls for it.

After watching the documentary on Helen, I searched for more info on her and found this clip from 2006. I truly believe no special effects were used. Helen has powers. She is not the one!