Baby Wipes

Lady Gaga (the "lady" part is up for discussion) was spotted out in Paris shopping sans Underoos once again says Hollywood Rag. Bitch, put some pants on. That being said, I'm glad she's helping the local economy and hopefully buying some stuff to cover that shit up while she's at it. Come to think of it though, maybe she had lots of panties and they all put on their Nikes and drank the Kool-Aid to willingly go to the next level. I can't say I blame them.

You know, I'm not a prude (more of a total ho really) but I have to say I'll be glad when this no pants / leggings count as pants phase of our fashion history is over. My mama was always like "make sure you have clean underwear on!" meaning UNDER my clothes, so I just can't with this trend. Why is it always the people you don't want to see doing that shit that are doing that shit?? Charlize, baby, you are welcome to support the no pants phenomenon at your leisure. I'll wait. People of WalMart, please sit the fuck down.

On another note, MTV.com says she and Justin Beiber are the front-runners for charitable celebs this year. So maybe she just donated all her lingerie to the needy? Gaga is a giver like that. Don't mind that the crotchless panties all started out with crotches. They did not melt away or off themselves, she cut them out. Just believe that and don't think about it too much.

ETA I have no idea how this ended up under Crumbs. I blame Al Gore as the inventor of the internetz. #notmyfault

SO. Even Miss Cleo saw this coming. TMZ reports that Maria Shriver has officially filed for divorce papers against AHNOLT. Details are that Maria is citing irreconcilable differences (pretty nice of her, I think), there is no pre-nup, and she wants custody of the two minor children they have together, 17 year old Patrick Arnold Shriver Shwarzenneger and 13 year old Christopher Sargent Shriver Shwarzenneger. No word yet on who gets custody of Arnold Shwarzenneger's leventy-billion other children.

Ahnolt will not be back this time. You go Maria, get that 50 percent from that last 13 years. I hope the state of California paid Arnold first with their broke ass.

In totally unrelated yet so related quit-this-bitch news, it's been quite a ride. I wanna say how grateful I am that so many of you piled into my 1995 Ford Escort while Michael K's Bentley was parked at Times Square (okay they totally took the subway but work with me people). Whether my posts made you giggle or groan longingly for MK, I'm proud to have been given this opportunity to help out the hardest working ho on the blog stroll in his hour of need. Michael, it was such an honor to walk a mile in your stilettos and be the tofurkey to your delicious surf and turf, you brilliant slut. *bows deeply*

That being said, THANK GOD MK IS BACK and I can go back to busting celeb balls (without a condom, as is the custom in HoWood) in the relative anonymity of the threads!!! Watch for my upcoming book "In Love With A Gay Man: The Life And Times Of Sweetas". Till then, I'll see you all in the comments section.

Much love (you know where), Sweetas

Kiss a baby wipe and kick a roll of toilet paper, because Terrence Howard got married! Yes, there is a real woman out there whose vagina is squeaky clean enough for Terrence to marry! Trust me, I'm sure Terrence thoroughly tested the woman to make sure she doesn't have an untidy vagina that will keep his fragile nostrils twitching in the middle of the night. If her pussy doesn't whistle and squeak when she queefs, Terrence would never put a ring on it.

UsWeekly brings the news that Terrence made Michelle Ghent-Howard his second wife. Terry and Michelle quietly got married a few months ago. While promoting the Winnie Mandela biopic in Cannes (Terry plays Nelson), Terry said to Anderson Cooper during an interview, "To come here and be with my wife, it's the best feeling in the world."

Let's hope Terrence is generous enough to share the pictures of his beautiful wedding with us. I'm sure the bride wore a gown made of baby wipes and carried a bouquet of hypoallergenic tampons. Terrence was going to wear a bow tie and cummerbund made out of douche bottles, but he thought that was a bit redundant seeing as though he's already a douchebag. And instead of declaring "You may now kiss the bride," the preacher said, "You may now sniff the bride's cooch to make sure she smells as fresh as a newborn baby's asshole." Just beautiful.