You In Danger Girl

MSN NZ (via Lainey) says that a newspaper in Spain claims that Princess Charlene of Monaco is pulling some Princess Diana shit by having an affair with a rugby player. The rumor is that Princess Charlene wasn't at the coronation of the new Dutch king with her husband Prince Albert, because she riding on some rugby dick in South Africa instead.

The rugby player who Princess Charlene is supposedly boning on the down low is 36-year-old Byron Kelleher of New Zealand. Byron plays for Stade Français and he handles all of the rugby projects for Princess Charlene's sports-focused charitable foundation. Sources say that when they're not working on charity shit together, they're working over each other's asses. Byron is a friend of Princess Charlene and Prince Albert and was a guest at their wedding in 2011. He also went to the Amalfi Coast with them last year.

A royal spokeswhore for the Prince and Princess had no comment and said they were unable to talk to Charlene about this, because she was currently being forced to watch her husband's henchman give her lover thirty lashings.

It's obvious to absolutely everyone that Princess Charlene and Prince Pierced Dick are only married for show and only stand next to each other when his family makes them or when there's cameras in front of them. Basically, their marriage is like 95% of the marriages out there. And Prince Albert is probably sticking his tongue in a pile of ass every night, so why shouldn't Princess Charlene? If this is true, Princess Charlene probably broke some royal law and will be shackled to a stone wall for the rest of her life, but what's the point of living if you're not going to risk your freedom for some good dick, right?

Here's Princess Charlene and Princess Albert looking happier than ever at some event yesterday. Jodie Foster and Richard Gere had more romantic chemistry in Sommersby than these two.

Miley Cyrus is sharpening her chipmunk teeth on a rock and Tish Cyrus is dipping her hooves in glue and glass, because they're coming for Liam Hemsworth that dick-stealing ice cold hussy harlot January Jones!

Miley's betrothed Liam Hemsworth went to a pre-Oscar party at Chateau Marmont on Saturday night and Star (via Radar) says that he was all over January Jones. Miley wasn't with him at the time or we'd probably be reading about how January was seen running down the driveway of Chateau Marmont as a rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth chipmunk chased after her.

A witness type says that party guests were all clutching their Tampax pearls while watching Liam and January get close. They weren't even trying to hide it and the witness said that they had some "hot chemistry." The witness type went on to say that they were all over each other and even kissed lips at one point.

At the end of the night, January and Liam got into the back seat of the same car and drove away together.

There are a million explanations for this. Maybe Miley and Liam broke up? Maybe Miley and Liam have one of those open relationship and she lets him dip his tongue in frozen twats and he lets her dip her tongue in twats? Maybe January Jones is a serious environmentalist and insists on carpooling to save money on gas? Maybe this eyewitness type was snorting that Lohan powder and had no idea what they were seeing, because it's kind of impossible for human icicle January Jones to have "hot" chemistry with anyone.

But then again, the magic phrase that opens up January's legs is, "You do know I have a fiancee (or wife), right?"

Since Sienna Miller is busy being a boring family woman now, somebody has to be Hollywood's premiere home wrecker and it might as well be January Jones.

Jezebel, ONTD, Crushable and a bunch of people on Twitter are all shaking their heads at Lisa Lampanelli today after she tweeted a picture of her and Lena Dunham, who is wearing a moldy camping tarp for some reason, and called Lena her "nigga." No, they weren't in Paris and no, GOOPY Paltrow isn't Lisa's ghost tweeter. Some people are shocked about this, but doesn't Lisa's whole act involve trying to shock bitches. Wouldn't it be more shocking if bitch didn't use a slur? When she's not talking about how she's taken so much black dick that her pussy has been certified triple Kardashian, she's making racist jokes, right?

I thought that was her thing. She sees a person, determines their race and then says something like, "Hey, (insert racial slur here)!" Since I'm Hispanic, Asian and gay, I wonder how she'd greet my ass. She'd probably look at me and her racial slur generator would malfunction for a minute before she spit out, "Hey, spagip!" 

Because waving at your subjects and cutting ribbons at the opening of gardens is really hard work, Duchess Kate and Princess William (typo and it stays) got on a plane and flew all the way to Mustique for a babymoon. (Ugh, the phrase "babymoon" hurts my eyes almost as much as the phrase "over the moon" does) last week. While in Mustique, a 4 month knocked up Duchess Kate got into a two piece to take the royal fetus for a swim and a paparazzo got pictures of her "squint and you might see it" bump and sold those pictures to Italy's Chi Magazine.

The last time Duchess Kate and Prince William got in their swimming chonies, a French paparazzo got a picture of her sunning her royal nipple knobs and everybody lost their minds. The newest pictures don't show Kate's royal nipple knobs, but The Queen is still covering Prince Philip's eyes with her pocketbook, because he probably can't take seeing a pregnant woman in a two piece! A messenger from St. James Palace pulled out a scroll and read this statement from the royals:

"We are disappointed that photographs of the Duke and Duchess on a private holiday look likely to be published overseas. This is a clear breach of the couple's right to privacy."

The palace said that the paparazzo used one of those long lenses to get pictures of Kate and William without them knowing. The pictures are pretty damn blurry and it could be two boiled turnips in swimming clothes for all I know, but the pictures are clear enough for me to see that Prince William's got body. Who knew? If he put a Prince Hot Ginge mask over his head, he'd totally be panty creamer material.

And yeah, Duchess Kate and Prince William's lives are so hard.

It was hard for me to focus on Quentino Tarantino's acceptance speech after he won the Golden Globe for Best Screenplay, because earlier in the night Amy Poehler made a joke about the "rat-faced people" and the camera immediately cut to QT's face one second after she said it. It was perfect. So when rat-faced QT got on stage to accept his award, I kept picturing him nibbling toe cheese off of someone's foot and didn't listen to the words coming out of his mouth. Apparently, during his speech, the n-word never jumped off of his tongue, which is surprising. But when QT got backstage, the n-word flew out of his mouth once, which made the innocent reporters clutch their pristine ears.

At the 0:35 mark in the clip above, a reporter asks QT if he ever thought about not using the n-word while making and writing Django Unchained. QT answered the question without shutting any butts down, which is a good thing, because last night was definitely an open butt kind of night. But QT did drop the n-word just once:

No, not really, because it's... If somebody is out there actually saying it when it comes to the word nigger, that the fact that I was using it in the movie more than it was used in the Antebellum South in Missippii in 1858, then feel free to make that case. But no one is actually making that case. So in other words, they're actually saying that I should soften it, they're saying I should lie, they're saying I should whitewash, they're saying I should massage and I never do that when it comes to my characters."

E! News says that the room went completely silent and then later Don Cheadle, who took the stage after QT, broke the awkwardness by saying, "Please no 'nigger questions'. Black people questions are all right."

QT used the n-word to talk about why he used the n-word in his movie, so I'm not sure why reporters were shocked by him using it. Shit, they should be shocked that he didn't use it in his acceptance speech. I'm surprised he didn't thank the n-word in his speech, because without it, his movie would've been 90 minutes shorter since every character says it at least 200 million times each.

And here's a few of the Django Unchained hos (sans Samuel L. Jackson) before, during and after the Golden Globes last night: Rat-faced QT with his piece, Christoph Waltz, Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx.

While accepting the award for Best Singing While Ugly Crying in a Movie at the Critics' Choice Awards last night, Anne Hathaway (or as my mom calls her, "Anne Haddaway," which always makes me think of this) let a trick know that she's not happy that they spelled her name wrong. In the nominees video package that played before Eddie Redmayne announced that she won, Anne's name was spelled as "Ann." Ann grabbed the trophy and set a bitch right:

"This is a bittersweet moment for me because I have this award, but you spelled my name wrong. It is with an "e." It's probably in bad taste for me to point that out here, but um... I'm sorry I don't mean to be gauche."

You might think that AnnE was just joking, but AnnE wasn't joking. As soon as she left the Critics' Choice Awards, she found herself a voodoo witch to cast a black magic spell on the not-knowing dumb whore who screwed her name up. They will never forget the "e" ever again. Every time they sit on the toilet to do a #2, they're going to shit out e-shaped poops. Every time they spit, they're going to spit up e-shaped saliva drops. Every time they pour Cheerios into their cereal bowl, they're going to pour out e-shaped CheeriEs. Every time they turn on the TV, the only channel that will come up will be E! Every time their weed man shows up for a delivery, he'll open up his bag and say, "Sorry, the only thing I've got right now is E." They'll never escape the "e."

And on a different note, I finally saw Les Misercryingandsinging. The little boy who played Gavroche should be getting all of the awards instead of Ann "Don't Forget The E, Bitch" Hathaway. He did the best impersonation of Kingston Rossdale I've ever seen.

Today's headline: Naomi Campbell injured as she was attacked and robbed in Paris

Tomorrow's headline: Paris thieves founds bludgeoned to death with a Blackberry in their underground lair, no suspects

How do you say "Nobody fucks with Naomi?" in French, because that's what needed to be whispered in the ear of French thieves who robbed her ass and knocked her over on the streets of Paris. Page Six says that over a month ago, Naomi The Terrible was hailing a cab in Paris when French thugs, who had been casing her out, knocked her to the ground and stole her shit. Naomi tore a ligament and her really hot Russian billionaire boyfriend flew her on his private jet to Vail, CO to be treated by the top orthopedic surgeon in the world. Naomi is now laid up in her mansion on Star Island in Miami, plotting her revenge on those bitches. The French police are currently looking for two suspects named Kar and Ma. A source put it like this to Page Six:

“It was terrifying. Naomi believes the assailant had been watching her, casing her out, and waited for a moment to strike when she was alone. She was attacked in the street as she hailed a cab, and robbed. Her leg was injured as she was violently pushed to the ground. She was understandably very upset and shaken up."

The Daily Mail has pictures of Naomi sitting on a Jazzy with her leg in a cast. The Daily Mail's source is squinting their eyes at all of this, because Naomi never reported the attack to the police. Another source said that Naomi only drives in limousines, thankyouverymuch, and if you've got kidney stones, just imagine her trying to hail a cab. That image will make you laugh so hard that all of your kidney stones will shoot out of your pee hole. When Page Six asked Naomi about it, she told them that she doesn't speak to the press and that she's fine.

Something in the milk really ain't clean about this, because The Daily Mail's source is right. Why was Naomi taking a taxi? Was her private limousine driver in the hospital, because she kicked his knee cap off after he made eye contact with her while opening her door? Why was Naomi hailing her own taxi? I didn't know her arm could do that! Where was one of her ten dozen assistants or bodyguards? More importantly, how did a bunch of regular dudes manage to tackle Naomi to the ground? Naomi can chop off a housekeeper's head from 50 yards away by throwing her ninja star Blackberry, but she couldn't beat down to stupid ass thieves? You'd think that Naomi would've stunned them with her cunt glare and then cackled as their brains seeped out of their ear holes while she beat them over the head.

What is going on, Naomi? Are you trying to tell us that your super Blackberry-beating power is weakening? Say it ain't so. I don't even know what world we're living in anymore.

UPDATE: French police are now saying that Naomi Campbell did file a report with them. Naomi was lounging in her limousine with the door open when two thieves on bikes tried to snatch her purse up. They didn't get shit, but apparently Naomi was knocked over a little and a ligament in her leg tore.

File this under: Some "Coen Brothers movie for the Disney Channel" type shit.

Dana Martin (no relation to Donna Martin, I think), a convicted killer who is serving two life sentences for raping and murdering a 15-year-old girl in Vermont, wanted to keep terrorizing the country from behind bars, so he hooked up with two criminals and wanted them to keep his murder spree going. Dana Martin met fellow evil doer Mark Staake in a prison in New Mexico and together they planned several murders. Once Mark got out of prison, he and his nephew Tanner Ruane were supposed to murder two of Dana Martin's acquaintances in Vermont. They were supposed to strangle their victims with a paisley tie, because the paisley tie is Dana's signature. The crazy bitch is a regular fashionista. Once Mark and Tanner took out their first victims, they were supposed to travel to NYC and murder the Canadian baby Jesus known as Justin Bieber at his show at MSG in late November.

Dana got detailed in his instructions. He wanted Tanner and Mark to sneak backstage and strangle both Justin and his bodyguard with a paisley tie. Once they finished that, Tanner was supposed to cut both of their balls off. You can't castrate a castrati, but Tanner was going to try. KRQUE says Dana was going to pay Tanner and Mark $2,500 for each set of balls they cut off.

If this mess wasn't already weird, it gets weirder. Dana Martin is obsessed with Justin Bieber, obviously, and he has a tattoo of the Biebs' face on his leg. Early one morning while Dana was softly brushing the leg hair above his Bieber tattoo, he stared deep into the inky eyes of his Bieber tattoo and he suddenly realized that he could never hurt the pretty face of a singing unicorn fetus. So Dana Martin called the police and told them about his scheme. Dana Martin turned Mark and Tanner in. Mark was arrested in Vermont on outstanding warrants. They were able to arrest Tanner in New York after cops recorded a conversation between him and Dana Martin. Tanner told Dana Martin that he's sad he didn't get to murder anybody.

The Lesbeaver's manager tells UsWeekly that they take every precaution to make sure that their little money maker is always okay.

The authorities need to take this extremely seriously and laws should be put in place to make sure this never happens again. What I mean by that is anybody with a Justin Bieber tattoo needs to be thrown on death row before they start strangling people with paisley ties! But seriously, Dana Martin is in danger, girl. Dana Martin is a cold-blooded monster with the heart of Lucifer, but he's never screwed with the relentless Beliebers before. Once they get through with him, he'll be wishing he had a paisley tie to hang himself with. Don't screw with a Belieber who's got nothing but a whole lot of time in homeroom and a stack of lined paper to write crazy letter after crazy letter.

Some people might call her paranoid, but actually I'm a pretty non-violent person and sometimes I kind of want to choke this bitch so I see her point. The Daily Mail ran a piece about Kristen Stewart crying that because of social media like Twitter, FaceBook and the like that she was literally afraid for her life. I think getting all of those hate tweets from when she admitted to cheating on Robert Pattinson have her seeing real live monsters in the dark. Hahaha "hate tweets" sounds like a hummingbird attack. SINISTER.

Talia Soghomonian was interviewing her for a new e-book called Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner -- In Their Own Words and that's where the quote comes from. Kristen shares her "thoughts":

'Nowadays it's harder because everyone is on Facebook and everyone knows where you are all the time, and everyone's twittering.
'Like I'm going to die because somebody is going to say where I am and somebody is going to kill me. Someone's going to twitter my location and then it's going to be like, boom.'

Like, it's "tweet" your location. And really, if Kristen is so afraid maybe she could just stay home and out of director's cars and our faces. Except that there's a new Twilight movie to start promoting and a WOW-what-crazy-perfect-timing-one-month-before-the-premier-WOW reconciliation with RPattz (from MK's Crumbs today) so that probably won't happen.

Miley Cyrus wasn't home early this morning, but somebody staying at her house (aka Billy Ray Cyrus who was just there to color coordinate her panties in her panty drawer and was totally not there to sniff them or anything) called the police after a bald, crazed crazy with scissors in his hand jumped over her wall. Only a crazy bitch with insanity flowing through his brains would jump over Miley's wall, because you don't know what could be waiting for you on the other side.

Trace Cyrus could be there, waiting to charge at you, kick you in the gut with his sharpened hoove or eat your clothes. Noah Cyrus could be there, waiting to show you the pole dancing routine she's been practicing all day. Tish Cyrus could be there, waiting to freak you out with her droopy anime horse eyes. Or Billy Ray could be there, waiting to shoot you with his sawed-off shot gun before roasting you on his shopping cart grill. Basically, a bad scene will be waiting for you if you hop over Miley's wall.

Radar says that the cops arrived at around 4:45 this morning and put 40-year-old Jason Luis Rivera in handcuffs. Jason Luis Rivera, who sort of looks like a Latino Uncle Fester, told the cops that Miley is his wife and that they've been friends for five years. Anybody who proudly admits that Miley is their friend should get tasered, so the cops tasered his ass. Miley's stalker had a pair of scissors in his hand at the time.

That crazy bitch shouldn't have broken out of his padded room at the mental hospital and he shouldn't have stolen those scissors off the nurse's station. Because sadly, there's nothing he can do to save Miley's tragic ass cockatoo haircut. It's beyond help.