HAHA On You

A funny thing and a shitty thing happened in Beverly Hills today. The funny thing is that Kanye Kardashian smacked his dome right into a sign while walking to a restaurant with Kim Kartrashian. The shitty thing is that the paparazzi didn't get a shot of the exact moment when the sign bitch smacked him right in the head. The paps took pictures and video right before and after he knocked that sign with his head, but nobody (so far) has a picture of his head actually knocking against that sign. What good is the paparazzi when they can't get a picture that would've completed our lives?!! It was their one job and they FAILED us all!!!!!

TMZ does have a video of Kanye right after he left a piece of his ego on that sign and it's hilarious.  Just like a bratty 4-year-old, Kanye throws a melodramatic cunt tantrum and starts yelling at the paps for making him bust his head on that sign. I take back what I said about the paps in the paragraph above. I thank them for making Kanye's head go BOOM on that sign.

It gets better... Kuntye went full crazy and his Givenchy butt plug probably popped out when he went at another pap a few minutes later:

In Kanye's defense, if your ass lips were overheating under black leather and you knocked up a Kartrashian, forever bonding you to those whores, you too might be a little extra bitchy. Although, Kanye is ALWAYS a little extra bitchy. And the best part is that Kim is probably the one who called those paps. Good work, Kim!

And here's another reason for why stage 4 Beliebers should be locked in their playpens and fed a steady stream of downers until they realize that they've been obsessively worshipping a glorified singing Kid Sister doll.

At his show in Dubai tonight, Justin Bieber was almost hugged to death by a crazy Belieber who crashed the stage and came at him. The Biebs' security immediately tackled the hugger, which caused the piano to fall over. No, Justin Bieber's security guards did not overreact, because if that insane hugger hugged the Biebs too hard, he would've exploded and Beanie Baby sand would've gone everywhere. It would've made the babies in the audience drown in their own tears. It would've been a bad scene.

And I take back what I said about the Beibs being a glorified singing Kid Sister doll. I mean, it's obvious that piano was made of cardboard and empty inside. So he's a musical genius for being able to play a fake piano that's made of cardboard!

via The National

Beyonce and Jay-Z want us all to think that President Obama makes them friendship bracelets in their spare time and when he's feeling lonely, he clutches half of the Friends Forever necklace they gave him and thinks of them. Jay-Z bragged in his song "Open Letter" about getting White House clearance to go to Cuba, but Obama said otherwise and put those name-dropping hos in their place.

Because she's a serious journalist, Today's Savannah Guthrie asked Obama the question that's on everyone's mind: What does he think about Jay-Z's song and is it true he gave them permission to go to Cuba? (Ann Curry would NEVER. Actually, Ann Curry probably would.) Obama told Savannah that Bey-Z's trip to Cuba is bronchitis to his Sweet Brown. He ain't got time for that.

"I wasn't familiar that they were taking the trip. My understanding is I think they went through a group that organizes these educational trips down to Cuba..... You know, this is not something the White House was involved with. We've got better things to do."

He told them. How I wish that right after he said that last line, he popped open a fan and fanned himself Kenya Moore-style.

In possibly related news, a letter sent to Obama tested positive for the poison ricin. They better check to see if that letter was postmarked from the basement, because I don't even want to know what Basement Baby had to do to earn a day pass to go to Coachella this past weekend.

And here's the perfect viral for Taylor Swift's line of sneakers for Keds.

One Direction was in the middle of performing at their show in Glasgow, Scotland last night when a shoe thrower, who is way more skilled at shoe throwing than the Dubya shoe thrower, distracted Harry Styles by throwing a shoe on stage before throwing a shoe directly at his cooch. Harry pretended like it hurt while Louis pretended like he wasn't exploding into rainbows on the inside over the thought of kissing that boo boo backstage.

It looks like the shoe didn't even hit Harry's nuts, so I'm sure he'll still be able to have little moppet children who will inherit his 1920s silent movie ingenue bob. It looks like the shoe just hit the tip of his peen. That's not even the worst thing that has happened to his peen. That title goes to the time when Taylor Swift took a look at it and screamed, "Ewww! Gross! Penis," before going back to making a fringe vest out of friendship bracelets for her cat.

via E! Online

Just like my 19-year-old self when my boyfriend at the time dumped me for having a cup of french onion soup with my ex at Mimi's Cafe (he seriously dumped me for having french onion soup with my ex at Mimi's Cafe and that's not code for anything), Lindsay Lohan got on her knees, grabbed onto her lawyer Shawn Holley and desperately cried, "Don't leave meeeeeeeeeee! I'll suck yer dick!" And just like my boyfriend at the time, Shawn Holley kicked that trick off of her and said, "Get the fuck out of here and take your used up asshole with you, you disgusting whore!" And yes, I'm sure that's the exact exit conversation that Shawn Holley and Lindsay Lohan had.

A little over a week ago, Lindsay Lohan hired Mark Heller as her new lawyer and signed a break-up letter that he wrote to Shawn Holley. LiLo claims that she didn't know she was co-signing Shawn's firing and I believe her, because she was probably messed up out of her mind when she put a pen to paper. LiLo begged Shawn to take her back and after she went over the pros (zero) and cons (too many to list) of taking that mess back, she decided that finger banging a garbage disposal would be a better decision than signing on to be LiLo's lawyer again.

A source tells TMZ that Shawn Holley will file the necessary paperwork to be free of the freckled terror forever. LiLo's next court hearing is on January 30th and Shawn hopes to be removed from the case before then. LiLo owes Shawn over $300,000 and Shawn knows that she's not going to see a cent of that, so she's cutting a bitch off while she still can.

I was going to say that LiLo thinking that hiring Mark Heller as her lawyer is a good idea has to be one of the most delusional thoughts she's had in a while, but then I read her tweet about Heath Ledger. (FYI: "Matty" is Heath Ledger's daughter Matilda. I am officially out of CAN'Ts when it comes to LiLo.)

Taylor Swift's 2013 started off with Harry Styles dropping her on a boat headed to ByeBitchville, but she's not going to let that stop her from finding love another famous dude to keep her ass in the tabloids for a while. Taylor asked her publicist to start scouting locations for future photo-ops and she covered the walls of the stalker room in her attic with pictures of Bradley Cooper, because she wanted him to be her next trick. Yes, that means it's okay for moms everywhere to unchain their barely legal sons from the water heater in the garage, because Taylor is in the mood for older pieces now.

A source tells Radar that Taylor of Sluttybrook Farms asked Jennifer Lawrence to set her up with B. Coop. B. Coop has already said that if he was starting to grow pubes before you were born, he's not trying to date you. So when Jennifer Lawrence told B. Coop that Taylor wanted to date him, he shut The Squint down.

“Bradley has absolutely no intention of getting together with Taylor. First of all, her reputation precedes her. Bradley is very wary of dating someone who is a bit of a serial dater like Taylor. He thinks she’s far too young for him and wants to date someone his own age, not 16-years younger because he’s ready for something serious. It was a little awkward for Bradley . Jennifer came to him and told him that Taylor was interested in getting together. He had to politely decline, knowing full well that Jennifer and Taylor are friends. It was an ambitious move from Taylor, but she’s going to have fixate on someone else as Bradley’s just not that into her."

I know, this story is TOO true. I'm shocked it didn't come from CNN. But really, when Bradley Cooper banishes you from his presence it's time to re-train with your beard sensei Renee Zellweger or think long and hard about your future as a lifelong beard. Because damn, how the beard has fallen. Next thing you know, Taylor will be dating Richard Simmons (I hope this happens).

UPGRADE!!!

Rob Kartrashian wah wah wah'ed out a river of sad tears on Twitter earlier this month right after he found out that his girlfriend Rita Ora allegedly let a bunch of dudes run up into her raw while they were together. Rita Ora never said anything about it and ten seconds later dumb ass Rob tried to act like he wasn't talking about her. But a source tells UsWeekly that Rob was obviously talking about Rita Whora, because he dumped her after finding out that she screwed his heart over by screwing Jonah Hill.

The source said that while Rita Whora was in NYC for a minute, she spent the night with Jonah Hill. I know Jonah Hill doesn't exactly moisten your chops, but ANYTHING is an upgrade from a piece of trash Kardashian. ANYTHING. That night in NYC, Rita Whora probably woke up in her hotel room, came to her senses and realized that she let a Kardashian raw dog dick her a bunch of times. Rita Whora ran out of her hotel room in a panic and tried to wipe the Kardashian smegma from her poon by humping everything in her path. Rita humped a door knob, humped the maid's cart, did anal with a DO NOT DISTURB sign and then she came across Jonah Hill in the hallway. Rita drive-by fucked him in ten seconds flat.

You gotta hump what you gotta hump to get rid of that Kardashian stench on your twat. Even if UsWeekly's headline read, "Rita Ora Cheated On Rob Kardashian With A Pile Of Zombie Poo," I still wouldn't judge or blame her.

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard started getting naked together either right before or right after his relationship with Vanessa Paradis ended, and there are rumors that shit is getting so serious that they are about to move in together. But Radar says that while Johnny is ready to get monogamous with Amber, she's not really feeling it. Even though current day Johnny Depp looks like a beautiful butch lesbian, he doesn't have a 'gina and that's what Amber really wants.

A source tells Radar that Johnny wants to be with Amber all the time, but she keeps telling him that she only wants his dick part-time and she just can't have a full-on relationship with a dude. The source says Amber is breaking Johnny's greasy lil' heart:

“Johnny and Amber have been having a lot of fun spending time with one another, but Amber keeps telling him she’s not interested in being with him in a monogamous relationship. She says she feels she's too young for him, but the main factor is Amber prefers dating women over men and has no interest in committing to a guy -- even if he is Johnny Depp! Amber is a free spirit when it comes to love, and refuses to label herself as gay, or even bi-sexual, but it's a fact that she is more attracted to women than men and the most meaningful relationships she has had to date have been with same sex partners."

What a cruel, Depp-eating she-devil that Amber Heard is. Johnny is already humiliating himself by dressing like an old west english teacher who works in the mornings as a newsboy, and she's humiliating him even more by toying with his innocent heart! Did I ever tell you that you're my hero, Amber Heard?

"DENIED, BITCH!" is what the cash machine will scream at White Oprah today when she tries to use a skimmed copy of Lindsay Lohan's ATM card. Lindsay Lohan apparently owes the IRS more than $233,000 for not paying taxes in 2009 and 2010, and even though Charlie Sheen tried to save her by giving her $100,000, it wasn't enough. The IRS seized all of her bank accounts, which means that every member of the Lohan family will be at the soup kitchen asking where the open bar is.

TMZ, of course, says that the IRS tried to work with LiLo, but they're stick of waiting around for her to pay up and she hasn't even paid her 2011 taxes, so they froze her accounts to try to get paid. One source says that LiLo is freaking out about how her financial situation is rushing down a gutter river headed straight for a storm drain. LiLo is doing whatever she can to pay off her debt with the IRS.

That means we can expect the following headlines from TMZ:

1. LINDSAY LOHAN ARRESTED FOR ORGAN TRAFFICKING - TRIED TO SELL BROTHER'S KIDNEY!

2. FBI BUSTS LINDSAY LOHAN'S GERIATRIC PROSTITUTION RING - SHE TRIED TO SELL NANA LOHAN AND ALI LOHAN!

3. LINDSAY LOHAN ARRESTED FOR ALLEGEDLY STEALING HOMELESS MAN'S $100 BOOTS!

The IRS is so shameless. They're obviously using Lindsay Lohan to get their 15 minutes of fame. They're going to hire Gloria Allred, give interviews to The Insider and start tweeting about how she called them a racial slur. They obviously set LiLo up. They're nothing but publicity whores.

It's a good thing that like every good mess, LiLo keeps all her money in the toilet tank.

Five days ago, 250 fans and media people got on a Boeing 777 for a 7-day journey to see the wailing 7-head perform 7 shows in 7 cities and now they're all 7 seconds away from completely losing their minds 7 different ways.

It all started in Los Angeles last Wednesday and they all thought it was going to be a non-stop party, because a few minutes into the flight from L.A. to Mexico City, RiRi came through the aisles with free bottles of champagne. RiRi posed for pictures, poured them the carbonated sweet nectar and promised they were going to party their dicks off. From Mexico City they flew to Toronto and then Stockholm, and by the time they left Sweden for Paris, they were all pretty much over it. They're permanently jet-lagged, they never see RiRi and she starts her shows almost 2 hours late every night.  Julianne Smolinski at Popdust put it like this:

For those of you who don’t understand why being on a plane with Rihanna for five days might not be so bad:

1) Okay, you have a point. We’re very lucky to be here and to have jobs to do. Just being employed and invited to hear music and eat free sandwiches for a week is a privilege, and I think most of the fans and journalists aboard felt that way for the first part of the trip.

2) That being said … Picture the last time you were delayed at an airport for several hours. Now picture that happening several times in one day, with no ability to make calls, text, or use the internet. Sometimes you aren’t sure of the next time you’ll be able to use a bathroom, get water, or eat. Now picture that happening for five days in a row, all while you’re supposed to be doing your job remotely. Now picture that, with a steady soundtrack of European house music.

3) Also picture that Rihanna is supposed to be on your plane, and she is barely present until she shows up on stage, hours late.

In other words: BITCHES ARE GOING CRAZY!

I bet that plane smells like armpit butter, old meat, curdled milk, dirty tampons, whiskey-infused barf and seven kinds of dick cheese. So basically it smells like RiRi's perfume and the stankness is making them all mad. In the video above, an Australian shock jock runs naked as they all chant while flying from Berlin to London. Fuse's Jason Newman said they were all declaring mutiny against RiRi.

They still have to get through RiRi's show in London tonight and then they fly to their last city NYC tomorrow morning. I'm thinking that somewhere between London and NYC, a few journalists will be eaten and then they'll take RiRi hostage and threaten to smoke all her weed unless they land the plane in the nearest city with a working shower and WiFi.

Or their plane will have to make an emergency crash landing on a deserted island and they'll be stuck with RiRi forever!

If you need more laughs from this nightmare of a sky trip, spend some time with #rihannaplane on Twitter. It's a mess. And here's RiRi at her show in Berlin, at the airport in Germany and in London this morning.