Oksana Grigorieva

Last year, Mad Mel Gibson offered Oksana Grigorieva $15 million as a break-up settlement in exchange for a blow job before jacuzzi (you can't blame an asshole for trying). After OctoSana shook her head no to that offer (which because of her inner tube lips sounded like the dick slap dance from Kids), Mad Mel offered her $15 million straight up. That's when OctoSana took a gold digger gamble by turning Mel down and decided to take him to court instead. Well, in case you couldn't tell from the fuck my life face she's making in that picture above, bitch gambled and LOST.

TMZ says that when OctoSana turned down the $15 million last year, she tried to make it sound like she did it because part of the settlement included Mad Mel spending unsupervised time with their daughter Lucia. But their source claims that she thought her shovel could hit more gold if she dragged his crusty prune face to court.

Today was court day, and when OctoSana put her open palms out to collect her money, the court put a single $750,000 coin in her hands. $750,000!!!!!! The court stenographer immediately stopped her typing to play this sound on a boombox:

That's not even worth a fart from that original $15 million settlement! If that isn't already a kick to a gold digger's shovel, the settlement also gives Mad Mel even more unsupervised visits with his daughter.

The $750,000 will be paid over the next 5 years. The house she's living in will be sold and that money will go into a trust for their daughter. OctoSana and Mel will share both legal and physical custody of Lucia. OctoSana will also get child support every month, but that amount wasn't disclosed. Both OctoSana and Mel agreed to never speak of their relationship to the media again.

DAMN. DAMN. DAMN.

Let this be a lesson to gold diggers everywhere. When you make a baby with a Jew-hating, child-punching, anushole monster who has the face of a peach seed shat out of a walruses' ass and he offers you $15 million as a break-up settlement, TAKE THAT MONEY! Use it to change your name to Diabetes Tits Grigoriewitz and immediately move into a jacuzzi-free house in the middle of Israel. Mad Mel will never come for you and you'll never have to hear the words "BLOW ME BITCH" come out of his face lips ever again.

OctoSana and Mad Mel's never-ending custody battle dipped into donkey punch territory when she testified in front of a judge on Tuesday that he regularly brought the beat down on her during sex. TMZ reports that OctoSana testified under oath that whenever Mel's little Nazi soldier refused to do the Hitler salute, he'd whoop her ass to get it up.

OctoSana has already told the L.A. County Sheriff's Department that Mel hit her during a fight on January 6 of last year, but apparently she never mentioned that he likes to punch his way to a boner. There's no evidence that proves OctoSana is telling the truth, and vice versa. This has caused some to throw her a "you shifty little..." side-eye.

Who to believe... Who to believes.... This is one of those "crazy said, crazy said" things. But the real truth is, if you had to have fuck Mel Gibson, you'd probably punch yourself in the face before, during and after, so I don't think her claims are that far off.

The judge in the custody battle that is NEVER EVER GOING TO END EVER already told Oksana Grigorieva to keep her collagen worms shut around the media, but she ignored his rule and walked into the iguana aquarium last night to talk to Larry King about more of the same stuff. Since OctoSana keeps spilling crap to the media without the judge's permission, Mad Mel is using this opportunity to try to snatch Baby Lucia away full-time. Ha. Mel has a better chance of getting a tag-team beej from a rabbi and Al Sharpton IN the jacuzzi than winning custody of Baby Lucia, but it'll be fun watching him try.

TMZ has it on good authority that the glum cunt's team of lawyers will file for sole custody on Monday morning on the grounds that OctoSana keeps throwing out lies about him to the media. Mel will argue that OctoSana doesn't give a sugar tit's nipple about her own daughter's well-being, because she's focused on dirtying his pristine image.

That stupid ass Mel. Bitch is just lonely now that he doesn't have OctoSana around to bark at and make the sign of a swastika on her face with his slap happy hand. The ottomans don't flinch when he yells at them, so it's not the fucking same!

And it's never too early for Baby Lucia to file for complete emancipation from both of their crazy asses. Baby Lucia obviously can't sign her own emancipation documents, but I'm sure any judge will accept one of her spit bombs as an official signature.

While spitting out his declaration in the NEVERDAMNENDING custody battle with his former beautiful little communist Oksana Grigorieva, Mel Gibson said that he never brought his Passion of the Fist on the OctoSana's mouth hole on the night of January 6, 2010. No, he just slapped the hysteria out of her. Okay.

OctoSana claimed that during a battle of words at his house, Mad Mel dipped his fist in holy water and punched the sign of the cross into her face, which broke two of her teefs and caused her to bleed. But according to Mel, blood was never shed and he never put a stanky punch on her face. This is what Mel says happened that night:

1. Mel and OctoSana were in the middle of throwing verbal grenades at each other when she grabbed their Baby Lucia out of the crib and shouted, "Stop yelling or you will make her into a retarded brain damaged idiot!"

2. Then for some reason, OctoSana's crazy ass ran into the backyard with Baby Lucia in her arms. Mel says that OctoSana was running all over the place like a tongue trying to escape his dick. Mel's backyard has more splits and levels than his personality, so he was afraid that OctoSana might fall or slip and injure their baby.

3. When OctoSana ran back inside of the house, she started swinging back and forth. Mel was afraid that she'd scramble their baby's brains with all that swinging, so he slapped the sense into her with an open hand. Mel says, "While I do not believe I handled the situation as well as I should have, I was worried about the rough way Oksana was shaking and tossing Lucia around. My hand never touched any part of Lucia."

Mel says that he didn't make her bleed and he didn't find out until later that he knocked one of her veneers out.

This is basically some "Crazy said, CRAZIER said" shit. Octo claims Mel slapped their baby while he punched her in the face. And Mel claims that Octo whisked Baby Lucia's brain cells by shaking her. So, either way the equation ends the same way: Baby Lucia is every layer of fucked. Hmm. I wonder if Mel's beaver puppet is interested in filing for custody of her?

via TMZ

TMZ (aka Sugar Tits Ground Zero) posted a few truly poetic personal love notes Mel Gibson slipped to Oksana Grigorieva while they were together and this mess makes me want to chew on some grass and vom into a jacuzzi. No, but seriously Mel has proven that he can not only string together words of Nazi poetry while raging into a trick's voicemail, but he can also pour out words of romance that can be used as an effective barf inducer when Cisco Adler's nekkid picture isn't accessible.

TMZ says that OctoSana submitted the notes to the court, because she submits EVERYTHING to the court. Next up will be the skidmark in the shape of Hitler's side profile on Mel's chonies.

In the meantime, here's a few bubbles queefed out of Mel's heart:

"There are legions of angels kissing u as u work. And me too."

"This is your capitalist pig landing his jet in Minnesota 4 customs! I have scarcely thought of anything but u since I left London! That is wonderful + sad because you are not near me! I need my little Russian to fill my soul."

"If u r up call me my dark eyed beautiful little communist! I miss u + by God, I love you"

"Hi my snuffling puppy, practice! Practice! Practice! Today is good 4 matinee theater. Me find some! Ugh! Just letting u know I am yours at your beck + call. Please do so at your whim. This is heaven. Have decided to take your pants to a show. Wish u were in them."

"Smoocherinos all over you!"

You know, I shouldn't even laugh because this mess is identical to the comments I leave on CNN's feedback form for Mah Boo Anderson Cooper. And here I was patting myself on the taint for coming up with "smoocherinos".

Oksana Grigorieva's never-ending battle for a chunk of Mel Gibson's wallet is still playing on, and now she's on the hunt for any and all tricks who rubbed their corn syrup sacks all over him while they were still together. TMZ says OctoSana's lawyer Dan Horowitz has reason to believe that 4 hos did blow Mel before jacuzzi and he wants to talk to them. Dan is looking for someone to co-sign OctoSana's "Mad Mel is a Nazi bomb of rage" claim by saying that he got violent on their asses. Good luck with that. Asking someone to fully admit to making the sign of the cross on Mad Mel's crucidix with their tongue is like asking me to stop crumbling Oreos into my instant oatmeal in the morning. It's not going to happen.

OctoSana and her lawyers are making this move, because the judge in her custody case against Mad Mel is not impressed with her accusations that it's dangerous to leave him alone with their 1-year-old daughter Lucia. The way things stands right now Mad Mel has full visitation rights. OctoSana wants to put a stop to that.

Whatever happened to that Polish porn producer who was allegedly doing Mel while OctoSana was knocked up? OctoSana should sniff down that road. You know, but it can't be that hard for OctoSana to track down one of Mel's past tricks. You don't even need an at-home Detective La Toya Kit to do that. Just ask the free clinic if any women have come in complaining about how they can't get the taste of charbroiled communion wafers, jacuzzi chlorine and holy water colonic coktails out of their mouth.

Oksana Grigorieva was supposed to sit down with Oprah to spill the dirty jacuzzi water on the leather ass sack of hot farts named Mel Gibson, but her lawyers put a stop to that shit since she's currently involved in a custody battle against him. But OctoSana still managed to get in an interview with People Magazine without her lawyers finding out first.

From the pieces I've read and heard about on Today this morning, the interview is sort of more of the same. She mostly talks about the night she recorded the infamous Mel-ocide tapes and says that she really thought he was going to send her to Jesus that day. Here's a few dingles from OctoSana's interview with People (via USA Today):

OctoSana on the night she thought she was going to prematurely check into heaven: On Jan. 6, she says, Gibson was at the house "frothing at the mouth, contorting his face and as she tried to leave, she alleges, he punched her twice - once in the head, once in the mouth... and pulled a gun and started waving it." One of the blows hit Lucia in the chin, Grigorieva told People. But she didn't contact police because she feared Gibson's retaliation if she went public.

OctoSana on being called a gold digger (Wait, is that a bad thing?): "I'm being bullied by a very rich man." She says she is having trouble making ends meet... but vehemently denies she is a gold digger.

OctoSana on why she forgives Mad Mel: She's very Christian and she believes in forgiveness. ... I think her thinking is I'd better make the best of this situation. He is, after all, the father of that child.

OctoSana on how Mad Mel's nickname should really be Miserable Mel: She says Gibson is "depressed" and suicidal, adding, "He would have killed himself many times if he wasn't Catholic," reported Today this morning.

I must have been past out drunk in the pews during the part in Catholic mass where the priest said that turning a gun on yourself is the quickest way to send your soul on the CROCS express train to Satanville, but turning a gun on somebody else and hitting a baby is a-o-fucking-k!

The "frothing at the mouth" shit confirms that if Cujo learned how to speak human English from Rosetta Stone: Anti-Semite Cunt Edition and never got a blow job in his life, he would be just like Mel Gibson.

The glum cunt just got a little more glum, because a judge has ordered that he must empty out his swastika-shaped wallet and pay the thorn in his dick hole an extra $15,000 a month in child support for their baby Lucia. TMZ says that Oksana Grigorieva was hitting the battle field to get $60k a month from Mad Mel, but the judge in the case gave her $20k a month instead.

Oy well, I guess Baby Lucia will have to get used to regular diaper cream instead of imported stuff made from the anal tissues of a rare Kenyan pink hippo. And those custom-made ear plugs she uses when Mad Mel flies into another rage because NetFlix accidentally sent him Schlinder's List again will have to be traded in for regular ole' cotton balls. I know. How is Baby Lucia going to survive? Mad Mel really is a new brand of cruel.

And when Mad Mel asked if he could get his receipt every month in blow job form, every lawyer in the room shook their head no. Poor Mel. Stay glum, gum cunt.

Sort of. Kind of. OctoSana and Mel Gibson are still slapping each other in the pussies in their neverending custody battle for their little baby girl Lucia. In her ongoing campaign to paint (not even one coat is needed) Mad Mel as a shit dad who shouldn't even be left take care of a broken Tamagotchi, OctoSana testified in front of the lawyers that he once "dropped their baby while smoking a cigarette outside." Brit Brit taught him well.

Radar reports that OctoSana said in her deposition that she left Lucia (who was 2-months old at the time) with Mad Mel while she went off to do some crap upstairs. When she came downstairs, Mel told her that he did something stupid. Mel wasn't talking about What Women Want, he was talking about leaving Lucia on a table without supervision. Mel eventually told OctoSana that before he went out to smoke a cig, he put Lucia on a cushion on top of a table. Needless to say, that wasn't a good idea, because she slide off that shit and busted her ass.

OctoSana said, "I asked him how it happened, and what had happened and how he found her, and he explained everything to me. Showed where she fell from and I analyzed her and looked at her eyes. I looked at her bruises - not bruises but the bump on her front and the bump on her back, back of the head and the front of the head and analyzed that - but she looked focused. After initial shock of crying and, of course, I consoled her and she stopped crying eventually."

OctoSana said she had to take Lucia to a baby chiropractor for treatment, "Her head was very conehead like and he helped with that."

What in the sweet fuck is wrong with Mel? Everybody knows that if you're going to put a baby on a table, you put the cushions AROUND them in case they go tumbling down while you're outside snorting lines or jacking off into the rose garden. Or whatever. If there's not enough cushions around for you to do that, just put the baby in the dryer (DON'T TURN IT ON) or throw her into a dog carrier bag and bring her with you. I swear. Do I have to teach a parenting class to these fuckheads?

But to play devil's advocate, if you were a 2-month old baby and Mel was taking care of you, wouldn't you throw yourself off the table so you could crawl to the nearest exit? Yeah, you would. Mel can use that defense in court.

Lawyers for Mad Mel and Oksana Grigorieva were back in court on Wednesday to fight over how much money he should pay in child support for their daughter Lucia. Mad Mel wants to give OctoSana no more than $6,000 a month, but that's not going to work for her.

OctoSana wants Mel to write her a bigger child support check every month, because her lawyers argued that in addition to the regular baby shit she also has to pay for bodyguards. But Mel farted (smells like hot tub water, sugar-coated communion wafers and fossilized feces) on those claims and said Lucia doesn't need that much money even though he spends $600,000 a month on himself. Yes, Mad Mel blows $600k monthly on living expenses and he still can't get his dick sucked. The tragedy that is....

Radar reports that Mel's lawyers argued that the $600k is strictly for living expenses and doesn't include his use of a private jet or other luxuries. Mel thinks that his 9-month-old daughter can easily live off of 1% of his monthly budget. OctoSana's rep said that Mel has only paid $18,000 in child support since December.

OctoSana doesn't need bodyguards? This is reich coming from the ragey boil who threatened to turn her into rose super food.

Does Baby Lucia really need more than $6,000 a month? Fuck yes, because toddler therapy and anti-depressants in formula form don't come cheap! And since I'm the foreman of the Gold Diggers Union (even though my own gold digging game is whack), I hope OctoSana only leaves Mel with a Jacuzzi jet and a pack of Sno-Balls (they can pass for sugar tits) to keep his company.