Plastic Surgery

I hate seeing Tess McGill like this. I know Melanie Griffith has had busted microwave face for a while, but the bitch needs to stop whatever she's doing and let her mug breathe. She looks like she can only eat soft food. It's not right. I just want to throw a bow tie on her, stick my hand up her ass and then take our vaudeville act on the road.

Here's Melanie at Cafe Med yesterday. Alien Princess RiRi was also there looking like the test tube baby of Mr. T and Woody Woodpecker.

If your name is Nicole Mary Kidman or Lisa Deanna Rinna, quit reading this shit. It might give you ideas.

Hang Mioku, a 48-year-old Korean woman, got her first taste of plastic surgery when she was 28 and she couldn't stop. The bitch became a plastic surgery crackhead. A plastichead if you will. Hang moved to Japan where she made herself look like Eric Stoltz from Mask thanks to several surgeries. Doctors finally told her they were done with her ass and she needed to go get some mental help. She ignored them.

Hang moved back to Korea and found one doctor who was willing to give her silicone injections. The back alley doctor gave her a syringe and silicone to take home, so that she could do it herself. When she ran out of silicone, she started using cooking oil. Yes, fucking cooking oil! Bitch, it's a face! Not a fucking pork chop!

Well, she could have rubbed a chicken drumstick in flour, layed it on her face and then went out and sunbathed. In a few sizzling minutes, she'd have a delicious fried treat!

I'm never going to look at a bottle of Wesson the same way again.

Basically, the cooking oil made Hang's face go from Rocky from Mask to the fucking Rock Monster! Hang finally realized she didn't look right when the neighborhood kids started making fun of her and calling her a "standing fan." Standing fan?! Maybe a standing fan dipped in wet concrete, let out to dry and then chipped down with a rusty chisel and ran over with a tractor trailer.

Hang didn't have anymore money to fix her face, so she went on TV and begged for donations. It worked and she was able to get another operation to get all the Wesson removed from her mug. It helped a little, but her face is still disfigured.

After the jump is a picture of Hang, but I'm warning you. This shit might make your face jump off your head, run to the kitchen and throw away all the cooking oil bottles. Jump at your own risk!!!

Lisa Rinna is barely realizing that she may have overdone it with the Juvéderm. You would think that when her doctor handed her a tube of Prep H for the massive roid problem on her mouth, she would've gotten a clue.

Lisa told InTouch: “We all know everyone does it!. We go on Jenny Craig and do all these things to change ourselves, so why can’t we get a little filler? I saw a picture of myself and thought, ‘Uh-oh.' You have to be careful. I’m a perfect example of that!”

One picture of herself?! In every picture her mouth looks like Tommy Girl's ass lips after a 12-hour gang bang.

Don't have a costume for your night of debauchery? All you have to do is shut a door on your face and then apply a shit load of make-up using your feet. When people ask who you're supposed to be? Simply answer, "The beautiful rose of Graceland Priscilla Presley!" If they respond with, "Who?" Just tell them you're a post-stroke alien zombie.

Here's the natural beauty known as Priscilla Presley trying to wink at a party for Veranda Magazine last night.

Chloe Lattanzi, the star of my spring obsession "Rock the Cradle," might have made a little visit to the Tupperware factory recently. Unless it's totally natural for your chichis to hang out in your armpits. Maybe the beauty of Chloe's face is too much for them to take so they are slowly making their way to her back, hoping she doesn't notice. Keep creeping, chichis! You'll make it there by the end of the week.

Even if Chloe did figure it out, it would take three rolls of duct tape, a few tubes of Gorilla Glue, two tractor pulls and a dozen clamps to get her tittays back together. They're a pair of stubborn motherfuckers.

Here's the Opera Princess of Darkness and her determined chichis at a charity event last night.

I've never been one of those whores who dry heave at the sight of bare feet, but I know some skanks who do. I knew some broad who in high school who would seriously start gagging every time she saw a completely bare foot. She could handle if it was in a flip flop, but not if it was just hanging out naked by itself. This bitch had a bad case of foot phobia. She couldn't even fuck a dude unless he wore socks! I asked her once, "Well, would you ever let a dude toe fuck you in the vag?" I thought the ho was going to shower herself with her own vom just to wash away the image of a big toe going into her cooze.

It's a good thing she wasn't at the Carouse of Hope Ball in Beverly Hills last night, because Lara Flynn Boyle kicked off her heels and walked the red carpet like she was fucking Joss Stone. Yeah, her shoes were probably bothering her hooves, but still. Have some consideration for the bitches around you who might suffer from severe foot phobia! I'm surprised Lara even has feeling in her feet, seeing as though she doesn't have feeling in her face. THAT FACE! She used to be the sexiest chick on TV and now she looks like hard silly putty.

Last night's Carousel of Hope Ball looked like "show off your new face night" at the fucking retirement village. There were enough wigs there to keep a tribe of performing drag queens going for years to come! Below are some of my favorite memaws from the night. Don't feel bad if you don't know any of these memaws and pepaws' names, because they probably don't know either.

It's a before and after Botox ad! You know, because Courteney Cox has also tried that shit once and it wasn't for her. Uh huh. And Jennifer Aniston doesn't call her every night to play "pretend boyfriend."

Demi Moore is 45 and Court is 44. There's a good reason why Demi looks younger. It's because most of her body is younger than Court. Court should ask Demi for her plastic surgeon's name and number, because she's looking a little "Vadgey" in the face.

Here's more of Dem and Cox at Glamour's Reel Moments last night.

Kim Kardashian posted this picture of her 14-year-old self to respond to all the HATERS that say she's had plastic surgery. Yes, she's 14 in this picture. It makes me feel all sorts of uncomfortable. I feel like I should be pouring myself a cup of iced tea and taking a seat. And if those bikini briefs were any higher she could wrap them over her shoulders.

Anypedo, Kim wrote this shit on her blog:

I HAVE NOT EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY!!!

I am definitely not against it at all, but haven’t yet had it! Personally, lip injections are the thing I would never do—even if I didn’t have full lips.

I think lip injections look very fake and bad and I wouldn’t want to kiss anyone with stuff in their lips—so I wouldn’t do it to myself.

This is a picture of me when I was about 14 years old in a bikini. I hope after seeing this you guys will never ask me a plastic surgery question again! I have had a size C since I was 11 years old! So one day I will definitely get a lift, but I am waiting until after I have kids. Until then I rely on a great supportive bra! LOL!

All the butt implant rumors are just so not true and now just silly to me. I have answered dozens of times “no I do not have butt implants,” but people just don’t seem to want to believe it!

I have always had an insecurity with my nose... People also have assumed I have had a nose job, but I have not! I look exactly the same as I did when I was a kid, except my nose has grown a little. I hate the bump on the side of my nose, but am way too afraid to mess with my face!

I was wondering what Kim was going to do to stay relevant now that she's been kicked off of "Dancing with the Has-Beens," and we have our answer! Pedo Bear is waiting in the woods for her to post pictures of her 11-year-old C cups.

Maybe Vivica A. Fox had the runs yesterday so she sent out her wax figure in her place. I just want to hold her head and stick a wick on top of it. Vivica just needs to step away already. Getting your face work done at DuPont can't be healthy.

On a positive note, you can play a serious game of handball off her face and she wouldn't feel a thing!

Here's Vivie or her wax figure outside Regis & Kelly in NYC yesterday.

First of all, sorry for the lack of posts this morning. I caught some kind of cold earlier this week and it is really fucking me in the ass without lube today. I'm trying to hold on for dear life! May Chicken Cutlets be with me. Tommy Girl has put a curse on me. No wonder I'm always having nightmares about little green peens. So...if I'm slower than usual today and I don't make much sense (again, more than usual), that's the reason. Now let's get on with it!

Katie Price wandered the streets of Los Angeles yesterday buying a bunch of shit she really doesn't need. Katie will usually vomits up all kinds of information about herself, but she wasn't talking yesterday. The paps asked her if she got her chichis reduced. She wouldn't say, but it looks like whatever they took from her tittays, they put in her lips. Maybe that's why she couldn't talk. She couldn't open her fucking mouth. If that's the case, she should get them bigger. Her pout looks like Tommy Girl's ass lips (that curse just got stronger) after a game of "shock the booty" with Johnny Travolta.