While Chris Brown and company were spreading thick layers of ultra concentrated foolery all over BET last night, Marie Osmond and friends were doing the same at the Daytime Emmy Awards on CBS. The Daytime Emmys are the Emmys' slightly slower younger sister who has been banished to the attic where she inhales fiber glass dust and puts on slightly pornographic plays for her sock doll friends. So when they let her out of the house, it's a mess! She licks the neighbors' windows, gets in fights with fire hydrants and consummates her relationships with garden hoses. You can't take the bitch anywhere.
Case in point, Marie Osmond's performance of "Paper Roses" during a tribute to American Bandstand last night. Marie did this trick where she didn't move her top lip at all while she sang. And by "did this trick" I mean she physically can't move her upper lip. Marie's lip has a boner that isn't going flaccid anytime soon. The collagen worm on Marie's mouth and John Legend's hairline should star in a buddy comedy together.
Anyidtotallyletherlipstickthetipin, here's a few more pictures from the Daytime Emmys last night. The fashion was as much of a wreck as the entertainment. In order: Marie, Carnie Wilson with her husband, Rachael Ray with her creepy analbomber husband, Susan Lucci, Michelle Stafford, a mid-priced call girl who got lost while making her way to the hotel bar, Reeg and Joy, Kate Linder, Chubby Checker and Montel Williams with his wife.
If it wasn't for that bulging vein on her forehead, I'd assume this was an anamatronic blow-up doll at the porn museum. Now, I understand that Megan Fox has to inject Botox into her head to freeze all the millions of profound thoughts seeping from her brain so she can focus, but she should really stop putting that other shit into her face before Heidi Montag files a copyright infringement lawsuit against her or Spencer Pratt tries too woo her back with his crystals.
Although, if she keeps filling her lips with collagizz she won't be able to move her mouth muscles anymore, which means she won't be able to talk on her own. Hermmmm. Keep mouth fucking that needle, Megan!
And here's more of Megan at last night's Jonah Hex premiere in Los Angeles which included appearances by: Josh Brolin (is he coked up?) with Diane Lane, James Brolin with
John Goodman as Linda Tripp Barbra Streisand, and Wes Bentley.
I don't know whether it's the make-up, the tarantula leg lashes, the dates with Botox, the face pulls or all of the above, but Catherine Zeta-Jones is starting to look like Auntie Ying-Ying from The Joy Luck Club. Seriously, I want to play a game of Mahjong with her, and then get her to yell at my husband for making me pay for half of the ice cream even though I don't touch the stuff because I'm lactose intolerant.
You know, I don't even know why the perpetually 40-year-old CZJ fucks with her face the way she does. Bitch is married to a zombie pepaw, so even when her face starts to wrinkle up like a Shar-Pei's b-hole, she'll still look young next to his old ass. But I guess since she's injecting Botox into her birth certificate, she might as well prick her face with it too.
Here's CZJ bringing out the raw emotion during "Send in the Clowns" at the Tony Awards last night. She looks like a scared cat hiding under the bed during a thunder storm.
CZJ won Best Actress in a Musical for that mess. Here's a few pictures of the other winners from last night including ScarJo for Best Supporting Actress in a Play (I can't either), Denzel Washington for Best Actor in a Play, Viola Davis for Best Actress in a Play, and Douglas Hodge for Best Actor in a Musical.
The makers of Botox aren't going to be happy when they find out that Kim Kardashian admits to using their shit. That's not an endorsement you want seeing as though Kim looks like a creature in an M. Night Shyamalan movie.
Kim Kardassian is still farting about how she's never been under a plastic surgeon's scalpel, but she does that admit that in addition to being full of shit and NFL sperm, she's also full of Botox. Kim tells Nightline, "I'm totally not against plastic surgery. I've tried Botox before. That's the only thing that I've done. I've never had my nose done. What's funny about my nose, it's my biggest insecurity. I always want to get my nose done . . . I went to the doctor, I had them take the pictures, he showed me what it would look like and it just didn't -- I wouldn't look the same."
This Close Encounters of the Third Kind-looking bitch is serious. Kim really wants us to believe that Botox is the reason why she looks like she's about to jump out of a bitch's stomach and sing "Hello Mah Baby" while kicking across a diner counter. If Kim wants a face that only L. Ron Hubbard could love, then that's fine but she doesn't have to spit lies. Alien, please.
Nicole Kidman showed up to an Omega charity event in Hong Kong last night looking like her chichis are starring in a remake of Far and Away. One titty is staying to the east, the other staying to the west. Battle lines drawn!
Some are saying that Nicole's nipples swallowed a Ziploc bag filled with silicone, and others think her Civil War titties are the work of a push-up bra. My ass thinks that Nicole's face is so overcrowded with Botox that some of that shit migrated to her Cold Mountains to find an empty home. You know her nipples are cooing, "Come back to me....come back to Cold Mountain!"
The Real Housewives of Atlanta's NeNe Leakes is one step closer to looking like Dwight's big butch twin brother thanks to the lipo job she got on her nose. The YBF has pictures of NeNe showing off her new look at one of Sheree's drag shows.
That nose job is so tragic that even Kim Zolciak would rip off her kitchen ass wig to cover that mess up. NeNe's born again nose is making bitch's snatch their own wigs!
How is NeNe going to call Kim a low-budget bitch now that she looks like she got rhinoplasty by...well by a bunch of rhinos. Let's compare old NeNe with new NeNe:
NeNe's new nose doesn't even look real. It looks like it's made out of wax. Stick a wick in it and say a prayer that her nose will settle down one day. Maybe NeNe will fall behind on her plastic surgery payments and the bank will foreclose on her new nose? Here's hoping.
Amy Wino found herself in THE CLINIC again after she fell down in a drunken stupor and bruised her stuffed titties. This is the millionth time that Wino has ended up in the hospital with titty trauma. Somebody needs to call the police, because implant abuse a real thing. Those poor things probably look like Tommy Girl's ass cheeks: bruised, battered and leaking gooey substances.
A source tells The Sun, "Amy was running up and down the corridors with her top off and reeking of booze. She'd had a few. At first she thought she had broken something, so got her security to take her to hospital. The doctors were worried she might be concussed because she had a big bump on her head and a cut above her eye."
Doctors kept Wino overnight, because there was some bruising to her ribs. They released her yesterday, but she refused to leave. Yes, Wino's agent says that she loves the clinic so much that she wants to stay longer.
You can't blame her for wanting to stay. Where else can her veins swallow a morphine bag's load without any interruptions?
Now back to Wino's titty sacks, those poor things really need to find a way out. It's like those implants are being raised by Joe Jackson! FREE THEM!
The Superficial has pictures of Kate Hudson in Miami with a slightly larger chichi situation, which has some thinking that she got touched by the plastic gods.
Well, UsWeekly has it on good authority that Kate visited a plastic surgeon late last month to get a pair of small Ziploc bags installed into her chest area. One source said, "Kate makes jokes about her boobs, but her chest has always been one of her biggest insecurities."
Who really knows why Kate suddenly got a thirst for silicone, but I'm sure it had something to do with her dating A-Rod. I mean, Kate was probably jealous at how A-Rod's juicy man breasts of desire filled out a tank top. Or maybe Kate didn't get a titty job after all and she's just wearing one of those Noah Cyrus-approved padded bikini tops for toddlers.
While Heidi Montag was lying under the direct sunlight at Aria's pool area in Las Vegas yesterday, the plastic on her body slowly melted and seeped through the towel bonding her to the chair. A group of engineers from Mattel had to chisel her off the chair and apply another layer of ABS plastic on her. The painters from Maaco then had to spray her down with a fresh coat of paint in shade "Ass Dildo." And then she was as good as new again!
Seriously, I've seen Real Dolls that look more human this! But you know, Heidi's silicone globes in size "Elephant Head" don't offend me as much as those tragic flesh brows over her eyes! Bitch's eyebrows are probably the same shade as Spencer Pratt's pubic landing strip. If you want to fill your body with enough man-made materials to keep Tupperware in business for decades, have at it! But eyebrows should be sacred!
It has been claimed that Demi Moore's body has been sucked more than Gerard Butler on any given weeknight, tucked more than the entire cast of RuPaul's Drag Race, and stretched more than Gay Al's b-hole during White Party weekend, but she tells Elle UK (via DM) this isn't so. Demi says that she used to be obsessed with the way her body image, but now she doesn't really give a dirty tampon.
Demi says, "I had an extreme obsession with my body. I made it a measure of my own value. I tried to dominate it, which I did, and I changed it multiple times over. But it never lasted and ultimately it didn’t bring me anything but temporary happiness. Does being thin resolve anything? No. The irony is that when I abandoned that desire to dominate my body, it actually became the body that I’d always wanted. But it only happened when I stopped trying to control it. At the end of the day, this kind of obsession is pointless and meaningless."
And about that plastic surgery rumor, Demi says, "I have had something done but it’s not on my face. It feels like school-yard name-calling a lot of the time. It hurts. You know what? Maybe one day I’ll go under the knife. It just irritates me that people are constantly saying how much I’ve spent on plastic surgery."
Anybody who watched Striptease knows that "something she had done." Well, unless Moses magically appeared before her and parted her tittays for some strange reason. You know, the only way Demi Moore never had any plastic surgery on her face is if she has the same genetic make up as Julie Masking.
And you know that somewhere in the world, there's a plastic surgeon's knife pissed off and hurt that Demi Moore is denying ever meeting it. That heartless bitch!