Weddings

Everybody, gently place the words "fuck off" on the tip of your tongue, because it will launch out of your mouth as soon as you read the next sentence. Get it ready. Katie Price married her cross-dressing, cage-fighter boyfriend Alex Reid in Las Vegas this afternoon. AND RELEASE!

The Princess Diana and Prince Charles of this generation kicked the dead horse that is marriage at a chapel at the Wynn Resort. Katie's publicist and a handful of TV cameras witnessed the blessed event. Katie's spokesbitch immediately issued this statement after the ten-second wedding.

"Katie and Alex are delighted to announce they got married in a private, simple ceremony. Their decision to marry has not been made with any media deal in place. It is purely down to their love for each other."

HA! I love how her publicist has to point out that this is not a publicity stunt in anyway shape or form. Uh huh. I'm sure Katie wore a dress made out of Balloon Boy's runaway balloon, and Alex wore a tuxedo made out of Tila Tequila's fixed pregnancy tests. They toasted to their new union with flutes filled with OctoMom's amniotic fluid. The twinkle in Katie's eye was actually a shiny, gold dollar sign.

You'll see it for yourself when these two fermented blood oranges are on the cover of OK! Magazine next week. But the cover won't be the same without Harvey Price on it, flipping us the bird. Sigh. Katie kept us from seeing Harvey in a white tuxedo. THAT (selfish) BITCH!

Here they are shopping for rings before their wedding. The look on the woman's face in the first thumbnail says it all. I too puckered tighter than Roxanne's tuck when I first read this mess.

Josh Duhamel surprised his wife of one year Fuggie Fug with a vow renewal ceremony in Santa Barbra, CA last week. UsWeekly claims that Josh set up a ceremony on a cliff overlooking the ocean. That was very conscientious of Josh. That way either of them could've jumped off the cliff if they decided not to pinky swear to faithfulness. Unfortunately, neither of them jumped to freedom.

As you might remember (but you probably don't, because the good shit kills memory cells), Josh was accused of passing his peen to an Atlanta stripper last year. The stripper claimed she got down on the down low with Josh. Josh denied away.

This could be the reason why Josh decided they should renew their vows. Maybe he thinks if he wipes the stripper's panty pudding off his vows, it'll stick this time. But I don't know why bitches bother with that vows shit. You are just setting yourself up! Be real about it. Just say some shit like, "I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner.......unless I get really fucking drunk and some hot piece gives me the eye."

Marc Jacobs and his boyfriend Lorenzo Martone weren't only in St. Barts to take topless pictures for their Facebook pages, they were also there to get married! Guest of a Guest reports that after being engaged since March of last year, Marc and Lorenzo became husband and husband in a private ceremony. There's no picture of the actual ceremony, but I'll be disappointed if they didn't wear matching dick huggers. Let's just say they did...

After the ceremony, Marc and Lorenzo celebrated their new marriage at a reception hosted by fancy art person Larry Gagosian. And of course, even Marc's wedding topper had his nipples out.

You better believe that after the premium Andre started flowing, ho after ho took pictures of themselves doing nasty raunchy shit with Marc's topper. They turned that topper into a versatiler. The places that topper has been! But I would've done the same thing, which is exactly why I never get invited to weddings anymore.

UPDATE: Marc Jacob's spokeswhore said they aren't husband husband just yet. This picture wasn't from their wedding, it was from their engagement party. There's still hope that they will wear matching speedo tuxedos at their real wedding.

Vince Vaughn is now a husband after marrying real estate agent Kyla Weber on Saturday. (Insert your own Wedding Crashers joke here).

People reports that the two had a smell (typo and it stays) ceremony outside of Vince's hometown of Chicago. Vince and Kyla got engaged last year.

If you're a proud gold digger, raise a glass of Strawberry Hill to Kyla for completing her mission! Don't give me that look. Of course Kyla is hitting that shit for profit! I mean, IN THIS ECONOMY, it's a genius business move. And I'm really sure Kyla's heart orgasms every time Vince's nose hairs tickle her upper lip when she has to kiss him. Not to mention him farting on her forehead when they 69.

On that note, congrats to Vince and Kyla!

And don't worry, your grocer's ice cream section won't be ransacked by Jennifer Aniston tonight since I'm sure she threw away her Vince Vaughn real doll with accompanying dream wedding book a long time ago.

22-year-old Kevin Jonas became a husband today after marrying 23-year-old Danielle Deleasa, a native of Planet Haylie Duff. Kevin and Danielle's wedding (aka their pre devirginizing ceremony) took place at Oheka Castle on Long Island. Danielle wore a gown by Vera Wang and Kevin wore a nervous smile on his face because he knew he would have to try to get his dick to stand up and deliver tonight.

Kevin's brothers, Nick and Joe, served as his best men. The reception tent was decorated to look like some kind of winter wonderland. And Noah Cyrus was kind enough to entertain guests during cocktail hour with her pole dance to "Smack That."

Right after his wedding, Kevin told People, "We're so happy that we're finally married and we were able to share the special moment with family, friends and loved ones." And then he started bawling into his own hands, because he realized that he would have to look at a vagina in just a few hours.

Although, it's a good thing that outside looks like the top of Lindsay Lohan's coffee table. If Kevin pulls a Tommy Girl by going limp after touching real-life boobies, he could just blame it on the weather. Then they can watch Mean Girls on cable and Danielle, who is a former hairstylist, can tame those beasts over Kevin's eyes. Hopefully, Kevin gets plucked one way or another tonight.

Meanwhile in New Jersey......

27 -year-old Ivanka Trump married fellow rich bitch Jared Kushner (owner of The New York Observer) yesterday at her daddy's golf club.

Unfortunately, Ivanka didn't wear a dress made from her daddy's bankruptcy documents and cartilage from her original nose. Instead she wore a Vera Wang gown inspired by Grace Kelly. People reports that among the 500-guests was Regis Philbin who sang for the new couple. I'm sure Regis was supposed to duet with Kathie Lee but she otherwise engaged (aka laying head first in the wine fountain).

Ivanka is also a new jew, because she converted in order to marry Jared who is Orthodox Jewish. Ivanka fast-tracked her conversion since it only took a few months instead of a year or two. And I guess this means that Donald Trump was forced to cover his "Where The Wild Things Are" mop with a yarmulke. That poor yarmulke won't ever be heard from again since I'm sure Donald Trump's comb-over of tragicness ate it whole.

Those of you who get the tingles for NIN's Trent Reznor, will have to nurse your fuck part with some Chamomile tea and a showing of Milo & Otis, because he got married last night. Trent married an alien from Mars' Bai Ling Tribe who goes by the name of Mariqueen Maandig. Mariqueen used to be in the band West Indian Girl, but now that she's fucking on Trent's nine inch (I hope) nail, she doesn't need to sing for her supper anymore.

The marriage hasn't been confirmed by Trent's spokeswhore, but his good friend Danny Lohner Tweeted this eloquent message last night:

"goths the world over will mourn this day- off to a wedding....CONGRATS my nagguh!"

Methinks "nagguah" is douchanese for "my fellow dicktard." I think. We'll get Jon Grosselin to translate later.

Mariqueen's extra terrestrial brows are hypnotizing me to say that Trent absolutely picked the right alien to make his wife. When Trent's peen no longer sings sweet nothings for Mariqueen, he should ask for her eyebrows in the divorce.

Radar Online is hearing that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden handcuffed themselves to each other by getting married......IN SECRET! Although, if you whisper something that nobody cares about, it's not really a secret. But I won't piss on their love parade.

Apparently, Sparrow and Harlow's parents picked up a marriage license last week, and made it legal on Wednesday. The two have been bumping peroxide bushes for...oh who cares. In Hollywood time, they've been together forever.

Spokeswhores for Nicole and Joel were unavailable for comment. Probably because they fell asleep at the wedding and still haven't woken up.

And I'm guessing that when Joel got back from the court with the license, Sparrow jumped down from his bird bath and asked his daddy if he brought him a "CHANGE MY FUCKING STUPID NAME" form.

Lift up your shirt, and raise your tittays up in the air for Christina Hendricks (aka Joan from Mad Men)! Christina married fellow actor Geoffrey Arend at Il Buco restaurant in NYC yesterday. The two got engaged earlier this year.

When the officiant asked Geoffrey to give his vows, he probably started slobbering at the mouth and mumbled something about mammaries. The same thing happens to me too. Shit, I've had to re-write this post a dozen times, because all I want to write is: CHICHICHICHICHICHICHICHIIIIIS.

In all seriousness, congrats to Christina and the hobo she married. While the back of Christina's dress looks like origami gone wrong, her breasts of wonder look absolutely amazing as always.

Why does Lamar Odom look like he's breaking into his own wedding shot? Notice how he's creeping on in like "Remember me?!" No, we don't. And Khloe Kardashian won't remember his ass either in a couple of months when this bootleg marriage calls it a day.

So, this is what $300,000 bought OK! Magazine. I hope they kept the receipt, because this wasn't even worth two food stamps and a punch card from Arby's. Let's be real, it farts volumes that dim, dude and dumb are sitting in the front while Lamar has been shoved to the back like a prop. And I don't know why Khloe let this happen, because she should be pissed that she's the bride, yet she's the fugliest thing in that shot. Shit, they should've thrown the veil on Lamar. Dude would've made a better bride. I mean, they couldn't use the "de-beast" tool on Khloe to keep her from looking like a fat skunk (no offense to Mr. Bumble) who is staring at us like we're a bacon and butter sandwich?

If OK! Magazine wanted to put a man-on-man wedding on their cover, they should've went with Michael K. Cole and Jamil Smith's luxurious affair. Because this shit right here.....is....well...it's just shit. Poop and simple.