Ke$ha

The Rolling Stones performed a secret show at the 650-capacity Echoplex in the Echo Park neighborhood of L.A. last night and it brought out Johnny Depp, Amber Heard, Bruce Willis, James Woods, Gwen Stefani, Ke$hit and the Olsen Trolls. Everybody is talking about how Amber and Johnny held hands at the show, but that's what hos do when they're doing each other full-time. They hold hands in public places. Well, unless you're doing me full-time and then you only agree to meet me at night, in a Denny's far from your apartment where nobody knows you and the waitress won't give a shit that you're sharing french fries and chocolate pie with me. But yeah, Amber and Johnny eat each other's butts all the time, so it's not surprising that they're holding hands.

But what everybody should be talking about is how the Olsen Trolls showed up looking like twin be-weaved Gollums on heroin. When you make Ke$hit look like a crystal clear dew drop sitting on top of the petal of a freshly bloomed wild flower on the peak of a mountain top that has never been visited by man, maybe it's time to take a shower or at least let a bitch hose you down on the driveway.

Who knew that Doogie Howser was a gusher? If your eyes woke up this morning with a craving for a picture of Neil Patrick Harris and Sandra Bullock making terrifying O faces as a geyser of slimy goo shoots into the air, here you go, you sucio perv.

Usually when Kristen Stewart's hands are covered in slime, it's because she ran them through her hair. But yesterday, KStew got covered in Slimer's butt drool after she hugged Sandra Bullock and Neil Patrick Harris while accepting her award for Favorite Movie Actress at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards in L.A. Yeah, the kids chose her as their favorite movie actress. This is why kids should never get a vote. And the Earth tipped a little to the side yesterday, because KStew gave her usual bitchface the day off and actually cracked a few smiles during the show. Nickelodeon must have stuffed the bongs in her dressing room with some serious good shit. Either that or that green's slime got some THC in it.

Here's a few more pictures from yesterday's KCAs. In order: Sandra Bullock, KStew and NPH (looking like Goop's colonic machine exploded all over them), Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, a greasy and knocked up Fergie Ferg, Ke$hit channeling Dumb and Dumber with her brother, a domesticated Sasquatch, Dog Chapman with Beth Chapman and the Smith kids.

Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life
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Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life, Full Episodes

And here's something that'll make you wish you were watching Madonna suck off a water bottle instead.

The health department PSA disguised as a docuseries called Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life airs in April and MTV is promoting it by rolling out heave-worthy clips like the one above. We already know that Ke$hit sips from a cup full of her own bladder whiskey in her docuseries and now here's a clip of here giving a cannoli a half-assed blow job. Blowing a cannoli isn't the grossest part. Ke$ha just had to share the cannoli cream with her friends by feeding it to them Alicia Silverstone-style.

I've seen a lot of snowball scenes, but this is the most disgusting snowball scene I've ever seen. Well, I guess if Ke$hit insists on giving you her mouth diseases, you might as well get a little sweet cream out of it.

via HuffPo

Most of what comes out of Ke$ha's mouth can be found inside of the busiest Port-A-Potty at the Gathering of the Juggalos, so it's not surprising to hear what goes in her mouth.

Because Ke$hit and Beyonce are are practically the same person and artist, she also had a visual director (aka her younger brother) follow her around with a camera for the past two years. Ke$hit used that footage to make a documentary that should premiere on Consumption Junction or on public access at 3am on a Tuesday, but it's showing on MTV this April instead. In Ke$hit's documentary called My Crazy Beautiful Life, she golden showers herself and admits that people always tell her that she smells like the crusty spot on a homeless man's panties. Ke$hit explained it all to BBC Radio 1 (via TNZH via ONTD):

On how she pulled a Bear Grylls: "I was told drinking my own pee was good, I was trying to be healthy ... Somebody tried to take my pee away from me and I said, 'That is mine!' So I snatched it up and took a chug and it was really gross so I don't do it anymore."

On how she smells like dumpster syrup: "My fans are amazing to me but usually the people around me say, 'You're disgusting!' or, 'Put your pants on!' or 'You're late!' Or they say, 'You smell weird, what's that smell?' I smell like a hobo. One time, someone told me I smelt like a shrimp on a diaper. I thought I could make a fragrance that was little like a shrimp on a Faberge diaper but I don't know if people want to smell like that."

On her obsession with glitter: "I have a bathtub; when I go on tour I bring a bathtub and I have a glitter roadie. His only job is to deal with the glitter and his job is to lather baby oil all over my body. Then I roll around in it and have to sit there until the baby oil dries. When I go to the bathroom you can follow the trail of glitter and tell which stall I peed in. I leave it all over the men I make out with."

Ke$hit reminds me of this gross kid in the 2nd grade who would eat his mocos and cough loogies into his hand for attention. (No, the gross kid wasn't me, but that's a valid question). Yes, Ke$hit calling anything gross is some pot kettle shit, but this isn't shocking at all. It would shock me more if Ke$hit said that she filled her mouth with Listerine. Of course she's swallowed a shot of her own piss.

Ke$hit needs to come grosser, because Bear Grylls, Carrie from Strange Addiction, millions of hippies and Bam Margera did it first. Speaking of Bam, if you put a gutter water-drenched wig on top of his head, wouldn't he look like Ke$hit a little? Has anyone seen them in the same room together? Has anyone ever seen them drink from the same urinal? Hmmm....

Because of the tragedy in Newtown, CT, movie premieres were canceled, TV episodes were pulled, there were disclaimers before the season finales of Homeland and Dexter, and radio pretty much stopped playing Ke$ha's song "Die Young," because of obvious reasons. (No, one of those obvious reasons isn't because it gives you chlamydia of the ears.) Die Young, which was released over 2 months ago, was #3 on radio playlists before the shooting and as of yesterday, it lost almost 19 million listeners. It had a good run, but that shit probably won't be heard on the radio anymore and will drop straight into the dumpster next to Ke$ha's regular sleeping place. Ke$ha went on Twitter to apologize for the song and then tweeted (and later deleted) that some mysterious being made her sing out those lyrics, which she co-wrote. The DEBUL made Ke$hit sing it!

So who ever forced Ke$ha (SPOILER ALERT: It was the Illuminati) to sing those lyrics, couldn't force her to get a flea bath too? Damn them. And Teen Mom Jenelle didn't show up to court or her scheduled visit with her daughter, because she was too busy doing something way more important like protest in the streets over this injustice!

via TMZ

On last week's episode of the #1 facepalm-inducing show on basic cable Teen Mom 2, Jenelle Evans became an instant role model (again) to dumb bitches everywhere when she told her lawyer that she couldn't start serving her jail sentence on a certain day, because she didn't want to miss the most important event in her life: Ke$ha's concert. Well, Jenelle's personal messiah Ke$ha has responded to one of her devoted followers risking being put on probation for another year to watch a trash heap refugee pussy pop for 2 hours. via HuffPo:

Have you seen this episode of "Teen Mom," where a woman who's due in jail begs her lawyer to keep her out until she can attend one of your shows? What's your reaction to that?
She is the reason I do what I do. Go grrrl don't let the man hold you down! We R Who We R!!!!

Now Jenelle knows how one of Je$us' disciples felt when he spoke to them personally.

Ke$hit is right, though. Jenelle is fighting the man and she's this generation's answer to Martin Luther King Jr.  I can't wait to hear her very own "I had a dream...or maybe it was a shroom hallucination" speech. Jenelle's new husband is lucky to be married to such an important activist. Marrying Jenelle is the best decision he's ever made...next to getting her full name tattooed above his nipple, of course.

In case you missed it on Monday night's episode of Teen Mom 2, here's the mouth breathing, meth brow-having drop of coke smegma Jenelle Evans making yet another excellent life decision. Jenelle violated probation by getting an F- on a random drug test and she was given two choices: serve around two weeks in jail or stay on probation for another year. The 20-year-old pile of garbage disposal gunk chose to sit in jail for two weeks, because she didn't want to go through another year of having to stay away from her bong (and probably because she wanted a two week vacation from her kid).

In this touching scene, Jenelle's lawyer tells her the start date for her jail sentence and she immediately barfs glitter all over that date. Jenelle can't start serving her jail sentence that day and her excuse for why she can't is probably the worst excuse ever given for anything in the history of excuse-making. Jenelle can't go to jail that day because she has to go to a Ke$hit concert! She got feathers in her hair for it! Bitch got clothes FOR the concert. You know you have successfully become a failure at life when your lawyer tells you that most of your legal troubles will be behind you if you check into jail on a certain day and these 3 trash nuggets fall out of your talk hole:

- "No, no, you don't understand. This is my idol. She's my idol and I'm never going to be able to see her again."

- "Like no one understands how important this concert is to me. It's not just a concert, it's Ke$ha. Like, it's the person. It's not 'Oh, I want to go to a random concert.' It's Ke$ha, like, my idol, the girl I watch videos on YouTube 30 times a day. I mean, I'm obsessed with this girl."

- "I know it sounds crazy, but if I have to stay on probation to see Ke$ha, it might be worth it."

That clip has to be the most effective anti-drug PSA ever. It's even making me consider breaking up with my bong.

In the end, Jenelle's dumb ass failed another random drug test and got arrested. Jenelle is currently serving 3 life sentences in a maximum security prison and it's not because she failed two drugs tests. It's because she admitted that Ke$hit is her idol.

via Too Fab 

I didn't think this moment would ever come, but it has. I'm staring at a picture of Ke$hit and I'm not pinching my nose while holding my breath so that her dumpster water stank doesn't waft up into my body. It's truly amazing what a quarantine tent, a sandblasting, a RAID shower and a renovation from the Property Brothers can do. Ke$hit showed up to the American Music Awards and for once she didn't look like she just crawled out from under a heap of rotten fish at the landfill. Yes, Ke$hit would barely come in 9th place on RuPaul's Drag Race and her dress looks like a nana's shower curtain, but she looks clean-ish and she's the fanciest looking linebacker I've ever seen.

And did Ke$ha's crotch crabs crawl up to her ear? Even they dressed up and bedazzled themselves for the occasion. When Ke$ha and her crotch crabs look fancy, we know that EVERYTHING has changed.

Seeing Chris Brown sitting in the front row at the VMAs with a smug look on his hemorrhoid with beaver teeth face made a shitty show even shittier. During the show, I kept waiting for fellow STUNT QUEENS RiRi and Chris Brown to pull another shameless stunt out of their asses by singing "Proud Mary" together o topn a Lamborghini. That didn't happen, but during the commercial break RiRi walked over to Glum Cunt Chris, hugged him, pecked him and then played a quick game of "Douche, Douche, Gross" by patting him on the head before sashaying away.

The Internet screamed last night about RiRi and Fist Brown kissing at the VMAs, so I expected to see a video of him punching her tonsils with his tongue. It was just a peck, but RiRi is still a dumbass. RiRi is really going to put her ear that close to the mouth of an untamed beast who nearly bit it off? If you can't love yourself, at least love your ears!

And let's keep the theme of GROSS going by looking at these pictures of some of the gross ghouls at last night's show. In order: Side Show Nicki, Deena and the rest of the Jersey Shore whores, Ke$hit and the butt baby of Kid Rock and KFed who goes by the name Riff Raff.

Maybe it's because I'm so used to seeing Ke$hit look like Marjory the Trash Heap shat her up after downing gallons of used stripper glitter and butt sweat, but am I wrong ("Yes, you are." - you) for saying that she doesn't look completely awful as usual? Yeah, Ke$hit looks like John Travolta's face twin in a homeless shelter theater production of Some Like It Hot, but it's still an upgrade. It's amazing what four sand blast sessions, ten hours in a fumigation tent, a grooming by certified HAZMAT removal experts and a team of brave stylists who specialize in skankorcisms can do for a bitch!

Here's more of Ke$hit at something called the BMI Awards (Body Mass Index Awards? Busted Manfaced Idiot Awards? Bowel Movement Instigator Awards?) at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills last night. I also threw in some pictures of Drunk Ass Sandra Lee and Diana DeGarmo. I don't know what's worse? Diana's ihopethoseareclipon-bangs or the coagulated jizz balls on her bordello wallpaper of a dress?