The Internet's ovaries nearly exploded out of rage last year when Blake Lively and expert Canadian tuxedo wearer and operator of hipster smoothness Ryan Gosling were photographed eating ice cream together at a shop on Main Street in Disneyland. Blake must feel extra romantic when she hears the sound of screaming brat toddlers beating their sisters over the head with a giant lollipop and smells the scent of burning money, because she went back to Main Street with Leonardo DiCaprio after the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday. Please tell me Goofy asked her to autograph the naked pictures of her he printed out.
A source tells UsWeekly that Blake, Leo and their friends all showed up to the StarTours ride at 11pm and were escorted to the front of the line. Then they all hung out in front of the Penny Arcade on Main Street before going back to their hotel. A different source says that Blake isn't just another stop on Leo's never-ending stroll down HO WAY. The source laid it on thick, "I've never seen him like this with a girl."
Is this the part where we're supposed to believe this is a real relationship and that it wasn't what happened when two publicists rubbed their BlackBerries together really hard? Okay, then. Well, good news for Blake then. When things get really serious and Leo asks Blake if he can draw her like one of his French girls, she can just hand him her cell phone. Bitch doesn't have to spend hours posing on a dirty sofa.
Reese Witherspoon won something called the Generation Award at MTV's Twilight Appreciation Banquet last night and she used her time at the mic to chin slap the likes of Parasite Hilton and Kim Kardashian for summoning the spotlight by leaking their own sex tapes. Reese also threw judgement at camera sluts who don't hide their faces when posing nekkid ass nekkid in front of their cell phones (cut to Blake Lively in a bathroom stall backstage, slowly lowering her camera phone below her chin).
Reese should really give a lecture to stupid ass Craigslist whores who scream "NO FACE/NO CHAT" at you when you e-mail them pictures of your nipples and belly button. Poor Chase would never get action on Craigslist.
But back to Reese, this is the girl power speech she gave to an audience of Twihards and Beliebers last night:
“I get it, girls, that it’s cool to be a bad girl. But it is possible to make it in Hollywood without doing a reality show. When I came up in this business, if you made a sex tape, you were embarrassed and you hid it under your bed. And if you took naked pictures of yourself on your cell phone, you hide your face, people! Hide your face!”
That "hide your face part" was Reese's subtle way of calling Blake a butterface, right?
Yeah, yeah, I get what Reese is going on about, but saying "HIDE YO SEX TAPES! HIDE YO FACES!" makes her sound like the Antoine Dodson of prudes. Yes, some sex tapes were the seed that sprouted an evil force that infected the world with triple stuffed asses and ostrich Herpes, but some celebrity sex tapes have brought nothing but joy to many genitals (see: Colin Farrell's sex tape).
Not every slut has the luxury of baring their (NSFW) bare breasts on a closed and professional movie set! Besides, Reese should know that Kim DID hide her sex tape under her bed. And by "bed" I mean the welcome mat at AVN.
Blake Lively's rep has yet to comment on these new set of pictures featuring a trick who is obviously not Blake Lively. But we can assume that she'd say that the iPhone ho in these pictures is not her client Blake Lively. That face above that looks like a Himalayan kitten who came out of the womb too soon, that face does not belong to Blake Lively! Those fake star tattoos that look just like the tattoos Blake Lively wore in The Town, they aren't on the body of Blake Lively. It might be Ben Affleck in a Blake Lively skin suit, but it's not Blake Lively herself. Blake Lively would never spend her downtime on a movie set taking nekkid ass nekkid pictures of herself in the bathroom mirror and on a hotel bed. This is not Blake Lively in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Nips, obviously.
But seriously, this really is a fun game that we can all play! Why let Blake Lively have all the fun? Lindsay Lohan should suck on that bottle of vodka out in the open and say that it's not vodka! It's court-approved distilled water. John Travolta should French kiss that peen in his trailer without locking the door and if he gets caught, he say with a straight-for-pay face, "This is not a penis." If only Anthony Weiner (or Antsized Weiner as my friend calls him) knew about this game earlier. When all else fails, use the Blake Lively defense!
And if you want to see more NSFW picture of Not Blake Lively and her Serena van der Boobies, click here. Who ever leaked these pictures wrote the text. I am a little disappointed that text on the pictures doesn't read: GREEN LANTERN JUNE 17TH! Missed opportunity.
I've always said that if your nekkid ass nekkid pictures are scattered around the Internet and you're not into it, you either pull a Cassie by saying "It's just a titty!" or you deny like it's your job. You blame nerdboys with advanced Photoshop skills or interns at Industrial Light & Magic. You say, "It wasn't me" until bitches get tired of rolling their eyes at you. You throw them off the scent of your smilin' snatch.
Well, after (NSFW) these pictures of a naked somebody who looks just like Blake Lively made the rounds tonight, her rep immediately called FAAAAAAAAAAAKE (the pictures and her tits, I think) to UsWeekly:
“The Photos of Blake Lively which have just surfaced on various websites including Perez Hilton and Zap2it are 100 percent fake.
Blake has never taken nude photos of herself. Blake will pursue legal action against the publication which initially published these photographs and any other outlets that republish them in any manner.”
That's right. Blake would never EVER get nipples out naked in front of a camera. NEVER. And if Blake did, she'd never leak those pictures onto the Internet. NEVER. And if she leaked those pictures onto the Internet, there's no way in hell she'd do it a week before her movie comes out. Nope. It's not her. Case closed.
P.S. - When I got an email with the subject "BLAKE NAKED," I was completely let down when it wasn't pictures of Blake Carrington.
One way to get people to think you're fucking while looking like you're trying to hide the fact that you're fucking is to leave the same hotel just minutes apart from each other. It's the oldest publicity trick in the damn book. Just look at Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio leaving a hotel in the South of France yesterday separately. Blake came down first in freshly fucked hair that probably took her stylist 3 hours to achieve and then Leo walked down while making OMG DON'T LOOK AT ME BUT LOOK AT ME poses. They think they are being so slick. This is about as slick as a chapped anus. Don't act like there's not a publicist with a headset at the top of the driveway who is cuing every move.
This is like when I buy a hot piece at the bar a drink to go into the single bathroom with me and play a heated game of thumb wrestling before we stumble out separately so that my friends can think that I got some. You can't fake out a faker. I see you, bitches!
BEHOLD! The power of a publicist's BlackBerry. Page Six broke the rumor this morning that Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio were strolling their way into a dozen tabloid magazine blurbs and now here they are laughing in the same space on a yacht with Steven Spielberg and Lukas Haas like they do this all the time! Well, actually Blake is creaming out her 10-year-old self, because she's touching an alive version of the Jack Dawson pillowcase she used to make out with when Titanic came out. Bitch is struck! On the other hand, Leonardo could be holding a potato sack filled with unripened rutabagas and he'd have the same look on his face.
Yeah, this is one of those "I hear a camera click, let's touch!" kind of hugs. They have about as much heat as a soft dick in a cup of cold tap water. Crisis averted!
In a shocking twist of events, Leonardo DiCaprio was seen strolling in Cannes with a woman who doesn't consider a bikini as her job uniform and isn't a pro at keeping her face sexy for the camera while a wad of sand exfoliates her ass lips in a bad way. Page Six says that avid supermodel collector Leonardo DiCatchaho and Blake Lively spent an intimate moment in Cannes together on Friday night.
A source type says that Leo and Marble Mouth looked like they had sparkly hearts in their eyes while they walked all around the Hotel Du Cap Eden Roc. The source went on, "She was wearing white and he was in a baseball cap. They walked around the grounds together. It looked like they were a couple."
As a Barbizon graduate, I feel very close to the modeling community and consider them my extended family. So that is why I just have to say: Fuck Marble Mouth! Fuck DiCatchaho! And fuck famous actresses! First they take fashion magazine covers from models, then they take ad campaigns from models and now they're taking a supermodel's most loyal subject? Betrayal is Leo humping on an actress. If Leo starts dating actresses, then we can confirm that loyalty really is dead.
Tonight is the Met's Costume Institute Gala (this year's exhibit is devoted to Alexander McQueen) where supermodels, movie stars and bitches who don't even belong at a costume party on Staten Island slip into dresses that cost thirty times more than the liquor & guns drive thru store in Texas I want to buy. Then they slobber on each other's nipples about how gorgeous they look before turning around and whispering to their assistant/culito wiper that they wouldn't even wear that shit as their menstruatin' dress.
And it wouldn't be a fashion gala without the Death Eaters' designer of choice Kunty Karl. Even though Kunty Karl had a bushel of stale and starched wheat at his side, he still managed to fill the air with the intoxicating scent of crushed dreams and boy toy saliva that wafts off of his glorious carcass. If you don't believe me, then just get a closer look at the woman behind him. Homegirl has got the vapors in a good way and just wants to lose her nose in Kunty Karl's coke white hair.
Or maybe she's falling asleep at the sight of Blake Lively in a half toga/half Cirque de Holeil leotard. Yeah, that's probably the culprit.
And here's a few other tricks who fell to their knees and put their lips on Kunty Karl's claws tonight. In order: Bradley Cooper with his hot mom, Kunty with Blake, Iman, Mary-Kate Olsen, MiserAlba, Jennifer Hudson, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Michelle Williams, Taylor Swift, Penny Cruz with Oscar de la Renta, Mick Jagger with L'Wren Scott, Nicole Richie and Squinty Zellweger.
Now that we've gotten Obama's "forged with a rollerball pen that wasn't even invented yet" birth certificate out of the way, we can finally focus on the more important headlines of the day, like Blake Lively's hair color! Looking like if Ariel the Little Mermaid left Prince Eric and married a Reno, NV mob boss who made her the manager of the beauty pageant dress shop he uses as a front for illegal activities, Blake Lively showed off her movie role hair color at Time's Most Influential People Gala in NYC last night. Time naming Blake Lively as one of the most influential people in the world is their way of saying: "We needed more big chichis on the list!"
Because really, the only thing that finds Blake Lively influential is a bowl of lukewarm oatmeal left out on a kitchen counter. That bowl of oatmeal keeps hoping that it will be as oatmeal-ey as her one day! But a ho can keep dreaming, because now Blake is a bowl of oatmeal with a delicious apple cinnamon squirt glaze on top.
Deep down in Karl Lagerfeld's sprawling dungeon lies a mason jar filled with smoke that sort of smells like overmicrowaved instant oatmeal and steamed broccoli. When you shake the jar, it mumbles like a half-asleep drunk who just got a root canal. That jar is labeled BLAKE LIVELY, because she just signed her soul over to Kunty Karl in exchange for the starring role in Chanel's next ad campaign! And Kunty Karl will wash his hair with Blake's soul later on to keep it looking as gleaming white as the fangs on the devil's asshole! Lightning crash!
A source tells E! Online that Blake was recently in Paris shooting ads for Chanel's line of handbags. The ads will come out early next year.
I realize that Blake is the new shit and Anna Wintour's lips are temporarily stuck to her ass, but they got the WRONG Lively. If any Lively deserves a Chanel campaign it's Teen Witch herself Robyn Lively. They don't even have to shoot the campaign. I did all the work for them: