Weddings

The privilege has been revoked! Send your hate mail (written in anal gland ink) to Khloe Kardashian. Khloe has confirmed that she is butt fucking the sanctity of marriage (without lube) by marrying a giant bigger than her after dating him for only one month. Doomsday is this Sunday.

Khloe is on the cover of this week's Life & Style looking like the epitome of a Bridezilla. For real, she looks like Godzilla in a factory-direct wedding dress that has been sitting on the back shelf of David's Bridal for years. Terrifying. That poor flower is crying hardcore tears, because it knows it's about to spend the rest of its life in the belly of a BEAST!

And just for the record, Khloe's mother/pimp swears on a stack of Star Magazines that her daughter is not knocked up. Well, she's not pregnant with an actual baby, but she's definitely pregnant with a giant sack of desperation.

(Image VIA Cover Awards)

Khloe Kardashian became engaged to L.A. Laker Lamar Odom after dating for only a few weeks and now E! News says the two will get married this Sunday in California. The Prop 8 supporters have won....or maybe they have lost. I'm not sure.

Apparently, wedding guests have already been called and invites will go out later this week. When asked about it, Khloe would only say, "I cannot confirm or deny…" Beast, please.

There's only a few reasons to get married after knowing a bitch for a quick minute and they are: a) You need a green card b) BABY!!! c) Bitch has got real money and you're not about to let that go or d) publicity.

In Khloe's case, I'm going to say this is a definitely a C and D situation and possibly a B situation too. I just hope Khloe threatens to rip out Lamar's heart with her bare teeth during the next full moon if he makes her sign a prenup. This fartytale marriage is going to last about as long as my last bowel movement, so Khloe better make sure she doesn't crawl away empty-handed.

Willie Nelson has nothing to do with this story, but the ole' stoner should be in every picture. And he's wearing a pineapple shirt, so it was a no-brainer. Anywaaaaay....

Zooey Deschanel married Ben Gibbard of Death Cab for Cutie on Saturday night in a town near Seattle, Washington. The two have been making soft and sometimes depressing music together for about two years.

Anybody who watched the episode of Top Chef: Masters that Zooey was on, knows that homegirl is a serious vegan who doesn't even fart on gluten. She doesn't touch the stuff. So I can only imagine what their wedding reception was like. They probably released everyone into an open field and let them graze on the grass like damn cows. Then they nibbled on some dandelions for dessert. If you wanted to booze it up, you had to eat fermented apples off the ground. I'm not joking. That's totally what it was like.

My ass would've been evicted from that wedding for smuggling in a 6-piece from Popeye's in my ass crack and a bottle of MD in my taint. I would've done it Newsome-style. Trust me, there's room.

VIA People

Last week, Christina Milian married something called The Dream (I still don't know) in an extravagant, over-the-top, expensive, dazzling (sarcasm) Las Vegas wedding. Well, it turns out these two lovebirds made it legal because Christina has come down with the BABIES!!!! Cut to my chola cousin saying, "Been there, done that, girl."

Although, a source-type is telling UsWeekly that they were going to get married anyway before finding out Christina's womb is occupied, "The pregnancy was a surprise, but they were getting married regardless."

Yeah, yeah, yeah, keep blowing pregnant farts in our eyes, we know why you got hitched. But that doesn't matter anymore. What really matters is what Christina and The Dream are going to name their new baby friend! These are the two that have the power to dethrone Sparrow James Midnight Madden as having the most ridiculous celebrity baby name of '09. I'm thinking "Dream Alittle The Dream."

Christina Milian (the girl from the classic piece of cinema that is Love Don't Cost A Thing) and The Dream (yeah, I don't know either), eloped in a wedding fit for a Spears! No, really it was a wedding fit for Spears, because they got hitched at the same joint in Las Vegas Brit Brit married her first husband at.

TMZ says that they got married at The Little White Wedding Chapel at midnight on Friday. Christina really gave herself the princess bride treatment by renting a wedding dress, shoes and a veil for $200. The Dream also splurged by borrowing his tuxedo and shoes for $100. I'm sure the reception was held at the Sizzler. Expect to see this extravagant affair on My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding.

And if this isn't a shotgun wedding, I don't know what is. I just really hope they don't name their baby The Dream Jr. Or The Dreamier.

Milla Jovovich, star of the epic shit show that is Return to the Blue Lagoon, married film director Paul W.S. Anderson (not to be confused with the dude who did Boogie Nights) in Beverly Hills yesterday. The two have been sexing each other up for around 7 years now. They have one 20-month-old daughter they named Ever Gabo, which kinds of sounds like "Forever Gumbo." Gumbo is delicious, so that name works for me. Anyway, this is Milla's third time at the marriage rodeo.

People says that Milla wore a vintage wedding dress and hair decorations you can buy yourself in the napkin ring section at Pier 1 Imports.

Judging by some of the pictures below, it looks like Milla ended her night by passing out face first in the wedding cake with her dress pulled up to her waist. Seriously, drunk brides are the best. If you're a bride, it's your duty to get boozed in a major way. It's what your guests want.

And I hope Milla serenaded her guests with this beautiful tune. I've been known to blast this mess on my iPod. It's like taking an air bath in one of Enya's queefs.

Alyssa Milano has decided to give the whole marriage thing another go for the second time. Alyssa married agent David Bugliari at his family's house in New Jersey today. People says that Alyssa wore Vera Wang, she walked down the aisle to John Lennon's "Imagine" and her reception was decorated with rattan furniture and hay bales. Okay, Alyssa took a left turn and lost me at the rattan and hay bales part. Was this a Spears themed weddings?

Unfortunately, I don't think Mona was there to tell her she was making a huge mistake by tying her vagina down to one man.

I'm guessing Alyssa's new ball and chain cums Mother's Cookies and has a dick the size of an obese boa constrictor, because well...you know....

AND I hope Alyssa dazzled her wedding guests at the reception by performing this amazing song:

Now I know why they invented auto-tune.

Cheech (short for CheeChees) Marin married his Russian girlfriend of 4 years Natasha Rubin in Malibu yesterday in front of 75 guests including Don Johnson and Geraldo Rivera (A MESS!!).

People says that the bride wore hemp, the guests threw buds at them while they exited the church and the cake was made out of 79 cent crunchy tacos from Taco Bell with Funyuns frosting.

This short news tidbit is just the excuse you need to put your lips on a joint and only let go to exhale. Repeat..cough...repeat....cough....repeat...cough..... It's how Cheech would want you to celebrate.

Yesterday in Beverly Hills, Marky Mark married the mama je'e of his three chirruns, Rhea Durham, in a Catholic ceremony at the Good Shephard Church. Actually, since it was a Catholic ceremony they were probably named "husband & wife" only a few minutes ago. Catholic weddings go on for eoooooons. Every time I go to one, I'm told to bring a few granola bars for sustenance, a sleeping bag, a copy of War & Peace, a catheter and a shot of adrenaline to wake me up for the last couple of minutes.

Marky and Rhea got married in front of about 20 guests. Rhea wore a nightgown by Marchesa and Marky wore a bitchface. Marky and Rhea's 5-year-old daughter Ella was the flower girl. Now, I know some of your asses might be wondering how they could get married in a Catholic church if they already have three kids, but that doesn't matter! The greatest Catholic wedding I ever went to was the one where the bride (I'm not naming names) wore white with a veil and was about 6-months knocked up. As she walked down the aisle of the Catholic church with the priest staring at her baby bulge, I nearly bit my tongue off to keep from laughing. It was amazing. I skipped the open beer bar at the reception, because I was already drunk from the irony of it all. Simply beautiful.

Anyway, I hope Marky reunited with the Funky Bunch to perform at the reception. You know everyone who went was only there for the free booze, the cake and to see Marky bust his wedded ass to "Good Vibrations."

My chair is now full of glitter, because I just read about the fairy tale wedding of this century! The legendary Peter Pan Dude finally got married to Princess Dorothy after announcing his engagement over a year ago! If you have no idea who this is, then you need more internet in your life! Educate yourself by spending at least 10-minutes on his site's fashion page. Marie Osmond's dolls wish they looked that precious!

Peter Pan (government name: Randy Constan) married biological female Princess Dorothy at the Tampa Bay Renaissance Festival this past March surrounded by middle-aged ravers, grown men in tights and fairies. The magical ceremony was officiated by King Henry VIII and the two recited lyrics from a Led Zeppelin song as their vows. Instead of exchanging rings, they pinky swore. Because according to Peter Pan, a pinky swear "after all, is unconditionally forever, and something not done unless one really really really means it!"

This sounds just like my backyard wedding to my G.I. Joe action figure when I was 8 (okay, it was last summer), but way better! I mean, I recited the lyrics to a Samantha Fox song instead.

A million sparkly congratulations to Peter Pan Dude and his beard...I mean...BRIDE! BRIDE! That's what I meant. It was a slip of the finger.

May the rest of their days continue to be filled with bowl cuts, mesh fairy wings and lots of glitter! And may Peter Pan Dude continue to document it on his website, because I live for that shit.

And do your soul a favor, visit the couple's wedding page. It's the only thing you need to see today. Cancel everything.

VIA Urlesque